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Original poster

Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

205 replies

HazelCat · 07/02/2024 11:47

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelCat · 07/02/2024 15:38

ClawedButler · 07/02/2024 15:33

Big cardigan hugs here from me too, HazelCat.

Please don't let this donut change you. It hurts like hell, but it hurts because you are a nice, trusting person and not a cold-blooded arsehole.

Would it help if I tracked him down and put itching powder in his pants?

Ah - thank you so much @ClawedButler

Iching powder would be perfect, but maybe with just a dash of Deep Heat

OP posts:
ClawedButler · 07/02/2024 15:39

I'll save the Deep Heat to swap for his haemorrhoid cream.

Bishopsgirl · 07/02/2024 15:39

Op so sorry this has happened to you. It must have been an awful shock to read that message after your great weekend together. Years ago I had a similar thing, told me he loved me, plans for the future, lots of sex etc I really thought I'd met "the one". Then he just dumped me out of the blue by cutting off all contact. I was actually concerned for him at first, thinking he'd been in an accident or something as I couldn't believe he could just disappear from my life like that after us being so close. He was like Jekyll and Hyde. Please don't let him put you off trusting someone else. You will soon look back and see him as a dodged bullet.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/02/2024 15:44

Hugs from here too, OP.

This is an absolutely prime case of 'it's not you, it's him.'

Make a list of all those less-than-perfect things about him and the relationship. When you think about it, I bet there will be lots - and you are worthy of nothing less than perfection!

Herbydacious876 · 07/02/2024 15:45

HazelCat · 07/02/2024 15:25

Love bombs women. Shows them a great time. Talks about their future to keep them hooked. Does the old future mini-break trick.

Sleeps with them a lot, then three to six months in, dumps them. Rinse and repeat.

Sounds familiar. I certainly fell for the old 'future mini break' trick.

He told me that he has never had a relationship last for more than six months (at the age of 42), which at the time I thought was a plus, as it meant that he had no baggage. How stupid I was, when it was actually a massive red flag!! x

You are NOT stupid op. Please don’t think that of yourself.

You are a person of good faith who was lied to. They are users.

These men are very convincing and have been playing this game for years so are polished at it.

Hold your head up high. You have integrity which they do not.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 07/02/2024 15:46

HazelCat · 07/02/2024 13:43

Thank you all so much for taking the time and trouble to reply. I really do appreciate it. Your kind words have made me cry - but in a good way this time.

I visited his house on a few occasions and there were definitely no signs of a DW or live in partner. However, now I look back, there were three red flags:

1/ A couple of days after we first had sex, I looked at his Tinder profile and his bio read slightly differently from when I first saw it. There was also a photo which I hadn't seen before. I was so keen to believe that he hadn't updated it, that I convinced myself that I had mis-remembered the original wording of his bio and that I just hadn't swiped far enough on all his photos originally.

2/ Around the same time, we were chatting on the phone and I invited him to an event in a few weeks time with some friends of mine. He declined, saying 'it's too soon to meet your friends' (errrrrrrr - but not to have sex ......).

3/ On Saturday night when we were cuddling on the sofa, I gently suggested that as things were going so well, maybe we could delete/hide our Tinder and Bumble profiles (we are each on both apps, but met on Tinder). He mumbled something about not bothering to do that, as he is no longer swiping (yeah - right).

I really am kicking myself for having sex with him on our second date. If I hadn't done so, I would have maintained a much clearer head about the situation - and rather suspect that he would still be hanging around now. When we initially met for our second date, I actually had a mild case of the ick, as there were a few things about him physically, that I found unappealing (bad breath for one). However, the wine was flowing and one thing led to another. I remember thinking that it was 'safe' to have sex with him - I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, so I thought that I wouldn't get emotionally attached. Then after the sex, I was completely besotted - huge facepalm!!!
(I do agree that it can be fine to sleep with someone early on by the way, but only if they are a decent guy)

When we were together, he really was so kind, caring, affectionate and attentive, but it's rather looking as though that was part of the game plan. We also seemed to have a great friendship, as we got on so well with lots of interests in common. But friends don't behave as he did ......

I've been well and truly played haven't I?

Have you been well and truly played though? Or have you dodged a massive bullet, and hey, it was a fun couple of months with what turned out to be a tremendous twatweevil and frankly at least you didn't waste any more of your time on the real him.

What you had was a great couple of months with the character he was playing. That person doesn't exist. The dickhead that text you Monday, that's the real him. And far better you saw the real him now than find out 2 years down the line.

Don't be sad OP, let me be the first to offer my congratulations that the trash took itself out. Cheers! 🥂 And don't give this man one second more of your headspace xx

JennyBeanR · 07/02/2024 15:51

Oh that sounds awful. Hugs to you Flowers
Be kind to yourself. And understand that this hard time will pass. For now, cry it out, vent, let it out and indulge yourself if you can (luxurious baths, nails, hair, spa, anything like this).

taylorswift1989 · 07/02/2024 16:01

The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick

Kindly, OP, you've made this bit up in your head. There's nothing to indicate that he's not attracted to you or that you're not good enough for him.

He's decided he doesn't want to pursue the relationship. I agree with pp, it sounds like he wasn't totally honest about his intentions, and it was shitty to end things the way he did.

But there's no way that his behaviour says you're not attractive or good enough. That's what you're telling yourself. Please stop.

Gettingfedupgrrrr · 07/02/2024 16:07

Sensible me says don't respond, it would only boost his ego, leave him hanging. ( Evil me, has a fleeting desire to tell you to text him thanks for the fun but a small word of advice do something about your terrible halitosis!!! Wink ) You have definitely dodged a bullet there. Pity the poor replacement, little does she realise. Wouldn't it be great if we could supply a review like Amazon for tinder, oh how that would provide some juicy footnotes ! You will be fine and as the reality sets in you will get over him sooner than you think. As previously advised get out there and meet people in different environments that's the best dating app.

taylorswift1989 · 07/02/2024 16:08

Looks as though he wanted to string me along while he looked for someone better

Not someone better. Just someone new. He's just a player. You could be the most incredible person in the world, but it would be wasted on him.

But this pattern of thinking (that you're not good enough, that you must have failed in some way) is highly likely what made you vulnerable to his manipulation in the first place. You knew you didn't like him, you had the ick from him, there were red flags waving, yet you still went for it with him. The hurt and grief you're feeling now are not really about him, OP, but about the way you abandoned yourself in this relationship.

Boke · 07/02/2024 16:09

HazelCat · 07/02/2024 15:04

Thank you for your lovely empathic post @Getitgirl and I'm so sorry for what you have been through, which must have been horrific. I really have no idea what makes these men act the way they do. It's so evil to toy with someone's feelings in such a callous manner.
As with you, it was him driving the relationship and planning all our dates, which led me into a false sense of security. I really trusted him, which made the final switcheroo all the more devastating x

I think evil is a bit much. I've had plenty of casual sex. If you like them, you carry on seeing them. If you don't feel the connection, you don't see them again. He owed you nothing. He might have met someone else but he's allowed to. I don't get all this angst.

workshy46 · 07/02/2024 16:16

This whole "he owes you nothing" lark just gives people free reign to behave badly with zero consideration for other peoples feelings.
People owe to you to behave honestly and with respect, neither of which applies here.
Honestly the standards now are just so so low. Even the dickheads behaved better before. Now even the "nice" guys act like entitled pricks

Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/02/2024 16:23

Boke · 07/02/2024 16:09

I think evil is a bit much. I've had plenty of casual sex. If you like them, you carry on seeing them. If you don't feel the connection, you don't see them again. He owed you nothing. He might have met someone else but he's allowed to. I don't get all this angst.

Show quote history

Do you ever have anything positive, encouraging or....nice to say or do you just post on threads to be a dick? OP is hurting, maybe show a little empathy eh?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/02/2024 16:29

Boke · 07/02/2024 16:09

I think evil is a bit much. I've had plenty of casual sex. If you like them, you carry on seeing them. If you don't feel the connection, you don't see them again. He owed you nothing. He might have met someone else but he's allowed to. I don't get all this angst.

Show quote history

But that is assuming that both parties know that it's casual. If one person (particularly if being led to believe so by the other) thinks that it's going to lead somewhere and plans are being made - then that's different, surely? If you don't feel a connection with someone, then perhaps don't future fake like this guy was doing.

Easipeelerie · 07/02/2024 16:34

I’d message briefly about his horrendous breath which nearly knocked you out then block.

Fuzziduck · 07/02/2024 16:34

He wasn't the one!
Thank god he's gone now, before you made future plans!
Think about those icks.
His breath will be someone else's worry.

Do a bit of self care, cry him out, and every day think of a good reason he's not your life problem. Then one day soon you'll realise you've stopped mourning him.

Easipeelerie · 07/02/2024 16:35

Boke · 07/02/2024 16:09

I think evil is a bit much. I've had plenty of casual sex. If you like them, you carry on seeing them. If you don't feel the connection, you don't see them again. He owed you nothing. He might have met someone else but he's allowed to. I don't get all this angst.

Show quote history

Is boke short for bloke?

AncientBallerina · 07/02/2024 16:35

SwordToFlamethrower · 07/02/2024 13:44

Having sex on a second date has nothing to do with anything. He also had sex on the second date you know!

This is so true. I once had a boyfriend years ago slyly remind me that I’d slept with him on the first date. Of course I felt shamed but so had he! Men.
Your initial instincts were right OP so try to focus on the bad breath (!) and trust your gut the next time. But hopefully the next guy will deserve you.

Robinkitty · 07/02/2024 16:37

I could have written your post op. I met the man who I fell head over heels with, he was everything I was looking for and then he ghosted me. Personally I would send him a very dignified message something along the lines of “ ok then i think it’s for the best then as i was looking for someone genuine who has the same morals as me”
sorry you are experiencing this, it’s horrible and makes you feel so angry

Jook · 07/02/2024 16:44

HazelCat · 07/02/2024 13:43

Thank you all so much for taking the time and trouble to reply. I really do appreciate it. Your kind words have made me cry - but in a good way this time.

I visited his house on a few occasions and there were definitely no signs of a DW or live in partner. However, now I look back, there were three red flags:

1/ A couple of days after we first had sex, I looked at his Tinder profile and his bio read slightly differently from when I first saw it. There was also a photo which I hadn't seen before. I was so keen to believe that he hadn't updated it, that I convinced myself that I had mis-remembered the original wording of his bio and that I just hadn't swiped far enough on all his photos originally.

2/ Around the same time, we were chatting on the phone and I invited him to an event in a few weeks time with some friends of mine. He declined, saying 'it's too soon to meet your friends' (errrrrrrr - but not to have sex ......).

3/ On Saturday night when we were cuddling on the sofa, I gently suggested that as things were going so well, maybe we could delete/hide our Tinder and Bumble profiles (we are each on both apps, but met on Tinder). He mumbled something about not bothering to do that, as he is no longer swiping (yeah - right).

I really am kicking myself for having sex with him on our second date. If I hadn't done so, I would have maintained a much clearer head about the situation - and rather suspect that he would still be hanging around now. When we initially met for our second date, I actually had a mild case of the ick, as there were a few things about him physically, that I found unappealing (bad breath for one). However, the wine was flowing and one thing led to another. I remember thinking that it was 'safe' to have sex with him - I wasn't terribly physically attracted to him, so I thought that I wouldn't get emotionally attached. Then after the sex, I was completely besotted - huge facepalm!!!
(I do agree that it can be fine to sleep with someone early on by the way, but only if they are a decent guy)

When we were together, he really was so kind, caring, affectionate and attentive, but it's rather looking as though that was part of the game plan. We also seemed to have a great friendship, as we got on so well with lots of interests in common. But friends don't behave as he did ......

I've been well and truly played haven't I?

Just remember the breath, and you won’t be having to put up with/deal with that in the future.

Don’t be hard on yourself though, there’s nothing wrong with expecting people to be as nice and honest as you are. We’ve all been played one way or another at some point.

Blanca87 · 07/02/2024 16:48

You sound so lovely, you will meet the right person, that deserves you and doesn’t have stinky breath ( bet he had a slimy willy, too. )

Alan81 · 07/02/2024 16:52

Very sorry to read this, completely normal feelings to grieve, all the hopes you had for the future with this person, you were making plans to go away to go and share experiences together and that really sucks to go from that to nothing in the blink of an eye, I know that feeling all too well.

Just remember not all blokes out there are like that, he obviously wasn't the right person for you, dust yourself down, plan to go on a trip or 2 yourself and go and do some exploring, travelling, see new sights, take in new experiences, your life will be all the richer for it, partner or not.

WSJ · 07/02/2024 16:57

Sex on a second date is fine but falling head over heels so quickly was the mistake. Small steps next time. You have just been unlucky.

TeaGinandFags · 07/02/2024 16:57

He's a knob and a player.

He's done you a solid.

When your heart has stopped screaming, you'll see that. Until then, lots of hugs and cuddles. You deserve so much better.

PinkMendinilla · 07/02/2024 17:07

Sending hugs. Genuinely a shitty situation, but please try to bear in mind that a very brief new promising thing ending abruptly and our of your control is disproportionately painful in and of itself because you're mostly dealing with hope and future plans at that stage when it was looking good, not mourning a loss of what you really knew. Not diminishing your feelings,. I've definitely felt them. But they will go.

Try not to take his rather generic words to heart. My guess is that he liked you well enough and found you attractive but couldn't factor in a long distance relationship when he really stopped to think about it. Which is what trend to happen 2-3 months in. He has a demanding job that means he can't even do his share of the travel? TBH, it sounds like he started something he couldn't sustain and wimped out of explaining himself on the phone or in person so said something a bit crappy by text. Not the most gentlemanly thing in the world but you know where you stand.

Up to you if you reply but if you do just say 'no problem, all the best' or similar. don't refer to halitosis or him being shit in bed or anything like that.

Don't speculate about other women or you not being good enough. Sex on a second date is absolutely fine.

I had almost exactly the same situation with a Dr in a tough specialty who had devoted absolutely everything to his career and simply didn't see a partner as a candidate for that level of effort when he was so knackered from shifts. Only difference he told me in person but I rather wished he hadn't bothered, he made such a meal of. It took me a long time to realise that I should not take it personally. You'll meet someone great who lives closer.