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Original poster

Dumped out of the blue and totally devastated - can I have a virtual hug please?

205 replies

HazelCat · 07/02/2024 11:47

On paper, I have my life together - nice friends, house, lots of hobbies and activities (walking, gym etc.), financially comfortable, good health etc. However, I've been single for a long time and I do feel lonely. Over the years, I've tried OLD, but it has been pretty disastrous - just a stream of the usual knobs, fuckwits etc. etc. - and I've had a ton of rejections, which has left my self esteem pretty much in the gutter.

Much to my surprise, that all changed (or so I thought), when I met a guy on Tinder a couple of months ago. He was kind, caring, attractive, intelligent, similar interests, great company - everything that I was looking for - and I really fell for him. Like me, he has no DC or other commitments (other than a demanding job), so it seemed as though we were set to have a lovely time together. The only drawback was that we live 70 miles apart (about an hour and a half's drive), but we discussed that and he said that it wasn't a problem for him. I have a lot more time on my hands than he does and I said that I was happy to do most of the travelling, which he gratefully accepted.

We got on brilliantly well and never ran out of things to talk about. He made it clear that he was looking for a long term, committed relationship and seemed to be as keen as I was. He was very affectionate with me, constantly telling me how attractive he found me (which is relevant to the story) and going to the trouble of planning lovely dates for us. When we weren't together, he was always WhatsApp-ing me with nice messages and gave every appearance of being fully engaged in our relationship. We had sex on our second date (which I now realise was a BIG mistake on my part, but at the time, it felt like the right thing to do), and it was all very passionate with chemistry aplenty (or so I naively thought).

All in all, I was on cloud nine and was utterly over the moon that my long period of bad luck had changed. How wrong I was!!!!!!

We spent last weekend together (at my house) and as always, had a lovely time. He asked me if I would spend Easter with him and talked about planning a holiday together. As he left on Sunday afternoon, his final words to me were 'I can't wait to see you again'. On Sunday evening, he sent me various nice WhatsApp messages to say that he had got home OK etc.

Then on Monday evening, I received a curt message from him to say that he has decided to end our relationship, as long distance doesn't work for him and he doesn't feel 'that spark' for me.

I'm completely devastated. Can't eat, can't sleep and can't stop crying. My self esteem has now disappeared completely and I just don't know how to cope with yet another rejection - the worst one ever, as I never saw it coming. I interpret 'lack of spark' as 'lack of attraction', yet there was no indication that was ever an issue - as mentioned, it was very passionate. I know that it was only a short relationship, but it was so happy - not a red flag in sight - and it's not just the loss of the relationship that hurts so much, but the loss of all those future plans and the loss of the friendship. I've had loads of relationship breakups over the years, but none have hurt as much as this - even the breakups of long relationships, which I suppose I saw coming.

I haven't replied to his message and I won't. The idea of his feeling no attraction towards me and my not being good enough for him makes me feel sick, particularly as I know that he will be straight back onto Tinder and Bumble without giving me a second thought.

Please be kind to me, as I'm feeling very fragile and couldn't cope with any cruel comments. I already know that I was stupid to have trusted him, so I don't need that pointing out.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading x

OP posts:
Original poster
HazelCat · 09/02/2024 11:42

What a brilliant post @Mitherations - completely spot on.

I have it in my head that I can only be happy if I'm in a relationship, but that's bollocks isn't it? My unhappiest times have been when I have been in relationships - even ones when the guy has been nice enough. And of course, you only have to look at the Mumsnet relationship thread for a couple of minutes to see that relationships can bring a lot of misery.

Plus, a lot of research has demonstrated that people tend to default to a set level of happiness, regardless of their life circumstances, so the notion that 'I'll be blissfully happy when I get xyz' doesn't really hold up.

I will be taking your advice on board.

Huge thanks x

OP posts:
Mitherations · 09/02/2024 11:51

I'd say that you can only be happy if your insides match your outsides. A disconnect is going to cause issues, single or in a relationship. If you are denying your reality, brushing stuff under the carpet, and ignoring what you know, then you're not going to be happy even if he's "perfect" on paper.

Yes its ok to want to be in a relationship, but you need to decide at what cost.

SamW98 · 09/02/2024 12:04

I have it in my head that I can only be happy if I'm in a relationship, but that's bollocks isn't it?

Yea it’s totally bollocks but society has conditioned us to think that it’s the only way and that being single is a sad lonely half life. And that’s completely untrue and why so many end up in shit relationships thinking any man is better than nothing.

I thought like that when I split with my ex after 23 years and ended up in a rebound relationship which was probably biggest mistake of my life. Lockdown enforced time on my own and I realised I actually enjoyed the time and space with my own company.

Now I have much better boundaries and it will take someone special for me to want to get into a full on relationship again. Being single fur a period of time is absolutely liberating

Original poster
HazelCat · 09/02/2024 12:13

Yea it’s totally bollocks but society has conditioned us to think that it’s the only way and that being single is a sad lonely half life

This is so true @SamW98 and I rather suspect that our societal conditioning works very much in the favour of men. If we, as women, saw through the conditioning, then how many of us would really want all the shit that comes with so many relationships? We would be walking away in droves leaving men to deal with their own crap x * *

OP posts:
Mittens1717 · 09/02/2024 12:17

It's up to you but if it were me I'd text back with something like Oh dear that's a pity but you're right thinking about it there definitely was no spark either way, never mind these things happen x no way would I let him think I was heartbroken! So sorry OP he sounds like a complete moron

Boke · 09/02/2024 12:52

Mittens1717 · 09/02/2024 12:17

It's up to you but if it were me I'd text back with something like Oh dear that's a pity but you're right thinking about it there definitely was no spark either way, never mind these things happen x no way would I let him think I was heartbroken! So sorry OP he sounds like a complete moron

How does not responding convey heartbreak?

Original poster
HazelCat · 09/02/2024 13:42

There is absolutely no way that I will ever be replying to him, but if I did, it would be: 'sorry - who is this?'

OP posts:
SamW98 · 09/02/2024 13:58

@HazelCat

Absolutely silence is golden. I never understand people saying to reply giving them a piece of your mind or with something rude - that just makes you look bitter and bothered. And they don’t care about how you feel, it’s wasted time and energy.

I think once it’s done, delete and never let them enter your thoughts again.

Boke · 09/02/2024 14:24

HazelCat · 09/02/2024 13:42

There is absolutely no way that I will ever be replying to him, but if I did, it would be: 'sorry - who is this?'

Don't be tempted to do this. It's really lame and transparent.

Original poster
HazelCat · 09/02/2024 14:36

Boke · 09/02/2024 14:24

Don't be tempted to do this. It's really lame and transparent.

Show quote history

Oh - I won't. And I can't! His number is already deleted x

OP posts:
Indifferentchickenwings · 09/02/2024 15:13

Op I hope you start to feel better soon
even if you know you were wrong to care and are angry it still hurts

there is alot of wisdom on this thread

im now finally 6 months out of an on and off thing that broke my heart a few times

I feel so much better now - I can’t even tell you
And unlike other times I have no plans to change my single state

belvitas · 09/02/2024 15:23

so sorry, how incredibly hurtful of him.
Could he have been married? My sister did OLD and the two guys she dated from afar (60-100 miles away) she later discovered were married and liked the distance because it made it easier to delay any kind of commitment

Original poster
HazelCat · 09/02/2024 15:39

belvitas · 09/02/2024 15:23

so sorry, how incredibly hurtful of him.
Could he have been married? My sister did OLD and the two guys she dated from afar (60-100 miles away) she later discovered were married and liked the distance because it made it easier to delay any kind of commitment

Thanks @belvitas . I would be very surprised if he was married, as I visited his house quite a lot and there was absolutely no sign of a wife or partner (it was a typical single man's house - quite stark and bleak).

So no - he was just a common or garden shit ...... x

OP posts:
ForTonightGodisaDJ · 09/02/2024 19:03

HazelCat · 09/02/2024 12:13

Yea it’s totally bollocks but society has conditioned us to think that it’s the only way and that being single is a sad lonely half life

This is so true @SamW98 and I rather suspect that our societal conditioning works very much in the favour of men. If we, as women, saw through the conditioning, then how many of us would really want all the shit that comes with so many relationships? We would be walking away in droves leaving men to deal with their own crap x * *

This is so true. Then men would have to up their game. Desperately.

Karaokekween · 09/02/2024 19:14

Getitgirl · 07/02/2024 14:53

Hi Op,

I really resonate. I was with a bloke for six months who drove the relationship along (I met his family, mates, stayed twice a week etc). 3 weeks after a holiday we went on at his instigation, he pulled the slow fade. When confronted he told me his feelings had never really developed for me past getting to know me at the start. Oh! And we live 5 minutes away, so no issues there. The coldness and the shock left me feeling gut punched, as much as I can and do respect his decision. I still find it hard to trust a connection with romantic prospects 7 months on. But it’s made me wise.

Anyway, back to you. What I took from my experience is that anyone who can do such a massive switcheroo is not someone worth hanging onto. A. Because they clearly can’t communicate with you in the spirit of whatever is bothering them about the dynamic and B. Because it’s horrible to build intimacy with someone if you supposedly don’t feel strongly about them. For God’s sake let them go or don’t let it get too far along.

This would have happened regardless of when you had sex with him, too, so I hope you don’t beat yourself up about that. Instead, zero in on those icks you’ve identified and remind yourself that this is a lucky escape dressed in horrible packaging. The reasons - whatever they may be - don’t matter. This tinderella isn’t a safe bet and he will some other woman’s problem soon enough.

And as for the posters lamenting he did nothing wrong and telling you to simply get over it, I hope someone extends a little kindness to them - or the women in their lives - should they find themselves at the receiving end of someone’s sudden change of heart. It’s ok to feel very sad about a connection you thought had promise. Look after you and don’t look back.

This. Happened to me after about a year. Let's not pretend it's great behaviour, it's bloody weird to end things for seemingly no reason, really abruptly and act like a cold stranger. I feel for you, but he was the emotionally bankrupt problem, not you.

Original poster
HazelCat · 09/02/2024 20:05

Karaokekween · 09/02/2024 19:14

This. Happened to me after about a year. Let's not pretend it's great behaviour, it's bloody weird to end things for seemingly no reason, really abruptly and act like a cold stranger. I feel for you, but he was the emotionally bankrupt problem, not you.

Show quote history

It is bloody weird @Karaokekween . I completely get that anyone is entitled to change their mind - as has been pointed out by a couple of posters - but this isn't just deciding on reflection to go for the pasta instead of the pizza. To go from passionately keen to completely turned off in the space of 24 hours is verging on the psychopathic x

OP posts:
Karaokekween · 09/02/2024 22:08

I do maintain @HazelCat that such behaviour - while shit - tells you a lot about him (and none of it good). I remember going on my first date after he dumped me and the other lad, who was very nice, asked why my previous relationship ended and I was not sure what to say... because I had no idea (and to this day still don't). Anyway, I was a fool and begged for an explanation (I couldn't understand how someone could've been so keen a day earlier could do this) but he was completely cold. Ignore him. You deserve better.

MrsPerfect12 · 10/02/2024 08:19

I know someone else has mentioned it but I think you'll hear from him. He won't like not having a reaction and he might try to reel you back in only to do this again. It will either be soon or months down the line. Please don't go back.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/02/2024 13:00

HazelCat · 09/02/2024 15:39

Thanks @belvitas . I would be very surprised if he was married, as I visited his house quite a lot and there was absolutely no sign of a wife or partner (it was a typical single man's house - quite stark and bleak).

So no - he was just a common or garden shit ...... x

Show quote history

You knew him best but, just as a head's up, sometimes when the house seems bleak and bare it's because it isn't his house at all, it's a rental. 'Home' is actually somewhere else (normally where the wife and kids are). It probably isn't the case here, but, you know, just beware....

Original poster
HazelCat · 11/02/2024 09:38

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 10/02/2024 13:00

You knew him best but, just as a head's up, sometimes when the house seems bleak and bare it's because it isn't his house at all, it's a rental. 'Home' is actually somewhere else (normally where the wife and kids are). It probably isn't the case here, but, you know, just beware....

Show quote history

No - I honestly think it was his house. He clearly knew the neighbours well and seemed very at home there.

I don't think there was anything elaborate about the situation - he had just got bored with me and had decided that the grass was greener out there. Typical OLD scum x

OP posts:
PinkMendinilla · 11/02/2024 12:25

Look i don't think it was psychopathic, I don't think he had a second house or pregnant wife or is a particularly bad person or scum necessarily from this. So you had a vague date planned. Shame but you hadn't paid or anything had you? He hasn't left you owing money or standing waiting?

I know it can help to vent but I do think some posters are winding you up a bit with some theories and you just need to move on and get back out there.

I think he realised he couldn't be arsed with the travel and didn't tell you in the best way.

Most people just marry someone local to them, they aren't protagonists in a great love story. He is probably like most folk and didn't particularly want to invest in something in that would take a lot of extra effort and energy with less spontaneity and time to get to know you from nothing. You will be fine. An hour and a half doesn't sound that long 'on paper' but it is a bloody pain in practice. Of course plenty make it and more work but plenty more wouldn't be bothered. It's not personal.

Original poster
HazelCat · 11/02/2024 15:46

PinkMendinilla · 11/02/2024 12:25

Look i don't think it was psychopathic, I don't think he had a second house or pregnant wife or is a particularly bad person or scum necessarily from this. So you had a vague date planned. Shame but you hadn't paid or anything had you? He hasn't left you owing money or standing waiting?

I know it can help to vent but I do think some posters are winding you up a bit with some theories and you just need to move on and get back out there.

I think he realised he couldn't be arsed with the travel and didn't tell you in the best way.

Most people just marry someone local to them, they aren't protagonists in a great love story. He is probably like most folk and didn't particularly want to invest in something in that would take a lot of extra effort and energy with less spontaneity and time to get to know you from nothing. You will be fine. An hour and a half doesn't sound that long 'on paper' but it is a bloody pain in practice. Of course plenty make it and more work but plenty more wouldn't be bothered. It's not personal.

There are many relationships that have practical issues to overcome - distance, DC, caring responsibilities, antisocial working patterns etc. etc. - and of course one of the parties may eventually decide that the issue in question is a dealbreaker. It happens.

However, there's a big difference between gently calling things to a halt in a caring, respectful manner and doing a 360 degree switcheroo in the wake of two months of love bombing.

I really hope that this never happens to you @PinkMendinilla , but if it does, then it's good to know that your pragmatic view of such a situation will stand you in good stead and that you will accept it as nothing personal.

OP posts:
supercali77 · 11/02/2024 15:53

Love bombing
Still on Tinder
Complete 180 out of the blue
You don't reply

I hate to say it, but i'd stick a tenner on this man trying to come back at some point. I'd also reckon he's met someone closer or an ex or something. If distance was the actual issue most people would just have raised it before now.... rather than blowing smoke up your arse for months and then having a sudden revelation and ending it all.

Original poster
HazelCat · 11/02/2024 16:15

There were several occasions on which I brought up the distance issue with him and he was always adamant that it didn't matter. He lives in quite a rural area and acknowledged that it was likely that he would have to travel whoever he met, as there were few women on the dating apps local to him.

But yes, I reckon he struck lucky and met a local woman .......

OP posts:
PinkMendinilla · 11/02/2024 16:52

HazelCat · 11/02/2024 15:46

There are many relationships that have practical issues to overcome - distance, DC, caring responsibilities, antisocial working patterns etc. etc. - and of course one of the parties may eventually decide that the issue in question is a dealbreaker. It happens.

However, there's a big difference between gently calling things to a halt in a caring, respectful manner and doing a 360 degree switcheroo in the wake of two months of love bombing.

I really hope that this never happens to you @PinkMendinilla , but if it does, then it's good to know that your pragmatic view of such a situation will stand you in good stead and that you will accept it as nothing personal.

Show quote history

In OLD people end things shittily all the time or take the real coward's way and ghost. It's not a nice part of the process for either side when you decide someone isn't your person but they're still keen and people get it wrong. You have to take it on the chin, I'm afraid.

But it has happened to me. I am speaking from experience. I mentioned earlier, a very similar situation apart from that he came round and made a song and dance instead of a quick text. Kind of the opposite issue- it was like ending a 30 year marriage. We had an event booked too.

I was devastated,completely disproportionately as I didn't really know him after 2 months.

But with hindsight I can see that I had no need to be. There is nothing wrong with me, like there isn't with you. I have no reason to think his interest couldn't have been real. He was an ok guy. Not perfect but I believe not a bigamous psychopath. The circumstances just didn't align and he decided to bail rather than take a chance. Fine.

I understand love bombing can be a genuine narcissistic behaviour but simple getting carried away and then changing your mind can probably look quite similar. I know you liked this bloke but you're currently in danger of making it into something it probably wasn't and carrying this stage on longer because at only 2 months you don't know what he really was so are filling in the blanks with either 'things could have been amazing' or 'he was an evil arsehole'.

I would try very, very hard to mentally tone this down to 'well, I didn't actually like him that much until we slept together, in fact I found him icky at one bit, he was willing to let me do most of the legwork and did I really want someone I had to travel 1.5hrs to see?' draw out the 'meh' aspects if you can, not the potential high drama.

Whatever his motivations, he was entitled to change his mind. You may not have liked the the delivery but he let you know. 2 months really is nothing. Stay less invested next time. Don't offer to do all the travel.

I'm genuinely not being rude or anything. I did bloody ages of OLD whilst wanting kids in my 30s so really feeling the pressure. I have found someone amazing eventually. Soon realised I couldn't devote this level of emotion every time something didn't work out where i saw potential. I would love it if as a kind of two-for-one someone else could learn that from me much earlier in their OLD experience.