Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

But ask yourself why would the OP even be wondering if her friend’s husband fancied her in the first place?

People can be very good at deceiving themselves about sexual attraction, until it’s staring you in the face and then it’s too late, you’ve crossed a line. He’s your friend’s husband OP. Time to back off.

One of my best friends is also my husband's best friend. He (the friend) is also married to a woman. But me and male friend manage to go out for lunch, have conversations, call each other... all without accidentally having sex or an 'emotional affair'.
Men and woman can be friends.

You know trouble is brewing. One on one time with someone else's husband is never good and no wife will ever think its ok (even if they say its fine).

Oh god, you even have to ask. Anything to the contrary is nothing but disgenuous.

And quite obviously the wife isn't happy about it.

If you want a relationship with Sarah, cool it with Steve.

Men who pay women a lot of attention, do odd jobs for them, listen closely to their opinions and make them feel interesting often do fancy them tbf. So it's not surprising the OP would at least question it. If the majority of men (rather than the few anecdotal ones on MN) acted like this with women they didnt find attractive, the OP probably wouldn't wonder. We're a product of our experiences.

I notice OP didn't mention if she fancied Steve or not, only that she doesn't think the reverse is true...

IMO his feelings are irrelevant - If you fancy a married man, you should be the one to back off until you're over those feelings.

And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!)

Attraction is not always determined by (and secured with) physical appearance, otherwise gorgeous people would never be cheated on. Sarah likely feels threatened by the compatibility between you and her husband because it could turn into something that jeopardizes her relationship.

Sarah probably considers you her friend. Sarah probably does not pop round Steve’s friends for advice and to do jobs for them. I would try and see them together or not at all. Maybe Steve has overstepped more than you. But he should have checked it was ok with Sarah first. I was married to a Steve a bit thoughtless about his wife’s feelings perhaps…

so, because you and your husband don’t engage in having strong friendships with other people, you think that other people should follow your example, and that a man being friends with another woman outside of his marriage is wrong? what if she was married? Would that make it okay? my husband and I are extremely close but we also go out with other people alone and I always assume that he is talking to that person about things that he doesn’t want to talk about with me, I don’t believe one person can be everything and all things to their partner. That sort of thinking is just fantasy and really quite immature.

You really don’t sound like a good friend.

This is only going to end in disaster. If you want to keep Sarah as a friend, cool the friendship with Steve and stop being so bloody naive 🤦

Sarah seems very insecure. Is there anything that's happened in the past that would lead her to not trust Steve, or is it just paranoia?

Not if the wife is uncomfortable about it they can't. A marriage should be more important than a bit of banter with a mate whatever sex they are.

Not necessarily, they could just be cheated on with other gorgeous people.

Having said that, maybe Steve finds both attractive.

I'm going to go against the grain here. If there really is nothing else to it, and you really have no amorous intention towards him, and you're definitely not coming across as flirty or damsel-in-distress-y, then what you have is an independent friendship with Steve, a man, rather than just with him as an adjunct to her, and that's fine. Exchanging your advice for DIY help is reasonable. Or should be.

If Sarah has either founded or unfounded concerns with Steve and his fidelity or attention to her, that is her issue and their issue to resolve.

However, you may lose the friendship with not only Sarah but also with Steve, if you continue as you do, so following some of the advice on this thread might be wise if you want to retain the friendships.

Could they be having marriage problems and perhaps Sarah feels she cannot confide in you since you are his friend as well, with Steve dropping in more often recently? Could the timing of that indicate at things are not happy in their household?

I would just outright ask her if everything is OK, since you noticed seems to have stuff on her mind.

I have that sort of husband, in that he’ll help out our female friends, a couple of which are newly single. He’ll go and fix things or fit blinds or light fittings. He does it for couple friends too, where the husband is not a handy type.

Doesn’t bother me in the slightest, but I can see how it could be an issue for some.

Sarah views OP as a threat to her marriage. She's not going to benefit from OP faux-naively asking if there's anything wrong.

Well exactly. Why do men pay attention in this degree to a woman other than their wife? When I realised that was what my H was doing with a young woman he worked with it didn’t take me long to work out it wasn’t just a friendship. He left very shortly afterwards and I’m assuming they are happily discussing her views on feminism right now 🤔

OP the relationship board does appear to be the new AIBU board.

I guess I can understand where some mumsnetters are coming from, though I don’t think you have done anything wrong. I guess as a comparison, I have mum friends I’ve made through baby classes, and through this I know their partners/husbands. I’d say we are friendly and get along and we have spent 1 on 1 time (say we bump into each other at the park and then go for a walk and grab coffee) - my partner does it with my friends too and I’m totally happy with it. If one of these mum friends started to be cold towards me the thought would never enter my head that it may be anything to do with their partner. You thinking that that could be the reason hints to something…. That may be some food for thought?

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How do you know this for sure? The OP simply said that she had noticed a chill in the air with Sarah and it’s hard to know if it’s just with the OP, isn’t it? There could be many reasons for that and the OP has not elaborated further.

When my marriage was breaking down, I also distanced myself from friends as well. I wasn’t aware I was doing it until someone asked if I was OK.

I agree with you FromWalesAndBackAgain. I don't think the OP has done anything specifically wrong and there's nothing that suggests she's out looking for an affair with someone else's husband, but she's probably playing with fire a little bit (and so is he).

I think you get to the heart of what my gut reaction was, and possibly what many others have picked up on, and that's that for many of us with opposite sex friendships / are friendly with our friends' husbands, it wouldn't even come into our heads to come on Mumsnet essentially asking if lines have been crossed/does he fancy me/ does his wife think there's something going on.

If lines haven't explicitly been crossed, the boundaries between OP and her friend's husband have got a bit blurry, which can be recovered.

She probably also needs to keep her eyes and ears open for any drift into him saying things like: "Sarah doesn't get me / I'm speaking to you in confidence about this topic Sarah probably wouldn't want me sharing/ it's great how much we connect with each other / can you believe Sarah said she's not happy with me popping in? / I think Sarah thinks there's something going on between us / do you think Sarah thinks you've got a crush on me? I told her there's no way because we're just friends / you're so lucky you're not married / must be nice being single" and other envelope pushing.