Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

Jealousy is jealousy and it wouldn't matter if you looked like the back end of a bus if he is one of those men that do fuck all at home but trot off to help a female friend paint her bannisters etc, making himself look good to the outside world.

Give him some distance and do more stuff with her.

Oh ffs. If you're going to question whether OP is even right about the existence of the blindingly obvious issue she's asking about, and do a faux naive "maybe it has nothing to do with the husband!", then the conversation is beyond pointless.

😂 so many uptight cynics on this thread

Not everyone is obsessed with working out how to be unfaithful or how everyone else is plotting to be so.
How about YOU stop the cynicism?

That’s cool with me. A poster who makes a quick and firm conclusions about what’s happening based on a few posts from a random stranger who hasn’t even asked Sarah directly about it probably wouldn’t have time for another poster who may come from a “What you see maybe not what it is” point of view and explores the different possibilities rather than jumping to conclusions. We just think differently.

I don't find anything wrong in being friends with married men. It probably helps that I'm fat & unattractive so not seen as a threat.

However, in your shoes I would be asking for some time with Sarah so she knows that you value her. None of these friendships can continue if not everyone is happy

If OP actually were to do what you suggest, in light of the scene she has described to us - goes to Sarah, pretends that she hasn't a clue what's going on because she somehow thinks that reflects well on her, and asks oh-so-sincerely what the matter is because she's so concerned - she'd deserve everything she got. Can't see why Sarah deserves it, though.

Not immature. Perhaps some people's marriages are just different to others. I have enough other male time with my colleagues, couples and family. With what spare time we have we like to spend time together.

If and when I was single I wouldn't entertain my Friend's Husband. Talking about personal things and getting him to do my DIY for free.

@Fammm I'm shocked too at the responses you've been getting. I'm on the side of platonic friendships being entirely possible, and a reality in my life.

If there's a chill from Sarah, it may be she has insecurities. Who doesn't? But it seems ridiculous to me to suggest you have to curb a friendship with one person because his partner believes or suspects or fears things that aren't true. Better surely to look at the insecurities?

You have a good friendship with Sarah, so presumably you can find a way to have a conversation with her about it. You needn't open with, 'Honestly, I have no designs on Steve,' you could just start by saying you've noticed her being a bit off with you and is there anything you've done, anything she wants to talk about?

Their marriage comes first. If it's becoming awkward then you need back away.

You're enjoying this and EVERYONE knows it. Leave them both alone.

I think it's amusing that on Mumsnet (who usually think men are awful) are saying Steve is just being a good friend. Most men wouldn't be doing extra DIY for some woman if he didn't have things lacking at home or didn't fancy the other woman. My Husband would rather stick pins in his eyes.

You don't sound that into each other.

They have all been friends for 10 years and Steve a particularly good friend to the OP for the past 3 years. And yet the chill has only happened now. As a good friend your first response regardless of what “obvious conclusions” there are is to go with an open mind and find out if Sarah is OK first.

I probably would also temporarily put off visits from Steve as well. I certainly agree it’s most likely something to do with him but it could be a marriage breakdown not involving the OP rather than jealousy and Steve’s visits make be making Sarah feel isolated.

Yeah I’d hate that and equally I wouldn’t do that to my friend either

OP, I’ve been so surprised by the responses on here. (So much so that I read some of them out to my DH — who was equally surprised…) My DH has a very good friend who is female. I have a very good friend who is male. (I’m also friends with his wife.) I think it’s possible — shock, horror — for men and women to be just, you know, friends. I definitely think it’s worth talking to Sarah but I also don’t think you’re automatically some scarlet woman plotting to steal her husband… (I mean, you might be, and in serious denial about it — but I don’t think it’s a given.)
Hope you get to the bottom of it.

Really? They sound quite healthy and grown up to me.

Everyone's different. Why is if healthy and grown up to want to spend your free time with your Friends Husband? I can't be arsed. I've got my Brother coming round tomorrow. I work with men. I'll see some of my Friend's Husbands at the weekend. Enough for me thanks.

Describing the wife as 'glam' as opposed to your 'hippyish' is giving pick me vibes.

I'm not saying I don't have male friends but OP seems to only have one male friend. Relying on her Friends Husband which is weird.

I haven’t RTFT (got bored) but I have read the OP’s comments.

A lot of paranoia in my view. Men and women can be good friends without it being sexual. Sometimes you just click with a person.

If the wife is appearing a tad frosty, you just include her and focus on her so she understands it is just friendship and nothing more.

I encourage my husband to help my friends and I help his, as suits our fields of expertise. It’s just being nice and it’s no big deal.

Totally disagree. It sounds healthy to me. Far better than the jealous attitudes in many posts here.

typo edit

Yes, everyone’s different! My point exactly. So why suggest @ABwithAnItch and her DH don’t ‘sound that into each other’ because they do things differently to you?

I think it's different where the man is the person you were friends with first. I have many good female friends, their husbands are usually pleasant, occasionally done a job on the computer and left again, but I wouldn't keep them chatting for ages, befriend them and see them separately, because the female friend is my friend and it's just much easier to keep it that way. I would be mortified if I thought anything I did was causing my good friend of 10 years to be upset, even irrationally, and my priority would be to preserve the female friendship.

I do have one or two good male friends, it's more straightforward as we started out with our own friendship. Again, though, I'd always go for preserving their relationships and marriages, I have a male friend whose wife hated me and I saw a lot less of him those years, but it is what it is. I wouldn't try to jeopardise his relationship over a friendship with me.

I find these threads quite odd, because half the people think men and women can be friends, and half don't, but neither of those scenarios seem right to me here, as the OP has a primary friend, Sarah, and in real life I don't find it hard to limit boundaries around other people's husbands, as soon as they try to get me on my own or 'twinkle' (ugh, men who want everyone to fancy them) or push the boundaries even a tiny bit, I'm out of there. I manage to have lovely fun evenings out with their husbands there without it ever becoming uncomfortable, because I'm happy to rein it in especially if they don't. Plus most of their husband are nice and aren't like that anyway.

Plus, the odd one or two who have sidled up over the years have received very short shrift. I don't invite them in for a cuppa to discuss political opinions. Or post about how much they wouldn't fancy little old me.