Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

I don't think you are doing anything wrong a such. What are you supposed to do, be rude to/ignore your friends husband just to make it really clear you don't fancy him?! But it's very possible Steve does like you more than he should and has developed a case of mentionitis that Sarah has picked up on and that is why she is being off. If this were Sarah making the post from her perspective everyone would be telling her to trust her gut on this, because it's usually right.

Nobody knows what else is going on in their marriage which I know before anyone starts having a go isn't OP's problem. However, as a woman and a Friend I wouldn't want to be another thing that might be upsetting Sarah.

I thought Mumsnet was all about women looking out for other women. Most of the time posters can't wait to say all men are this and that but little old Steve here is just spending time with his new best friend.

Jeepers I bet you're sorry you asked.
Fwiw my opinion is that if your female friend is giving you the vibe than it is a sign to back off a bit from Steve. It is dangerous ground and just so there is no ambiguity I would just back off a bit. He might be getting the wrong idea even if you aren't. At the end of the day he should be talking to his wife about stuff more than he is talking to you. So from that perspective I can see why she would be aggrieved.

He likes asking my opinion on political issues/feminism/other isms, has also asked me a couple of times what I would do financially if I was in him and Sarahs current situation. He's not confiding in me in any way, which people seem to have assumed. He has never said anything to me about Sarah, never strays into emotional territory to be honest.

So you are talking to him on your own? It was very clear from your first post that you feel you have a special relationship with Steve. Steve sitting chatting to you and not mentioning his wife - well they all love to do that and forget there is a wife.🙄

You were the one who mentioned a fucking gender construct whatever the fuck you think that is!! I’m happy never to hear about it again. Your point is even more stupid.

So you like to let it all hang out? So fucking what? Sarah obviously doesn’t does she and that’s who matters in this scenario. I don’t give a flying fuck about your naîve view of the world either if that helps you feel better for insulting me so vehemently?

What a load of angry weirdos on this thread! I don’t see anything wrong with having male friends, even if they’re (gasp!) married. Not everyone is out to steal someone else’s husband for gods sake 😆

@ABwithAnItch why are you being so aggresive?

Off Topic
@JodieFostersFurHood I love your user name.

I admire it every time I see it and wonder what it is fake or real!

Why do you think people are angry? It's the posters that disagree with us that are getting angry😂. It does make me wonder why. Are there women stopping you having friendships with their Husbands? It might even be a case these Husbands are not bothered about having a relationship with you but you are blaming their wives.

I have loads of male friends & colleagues. I just prefer one to one time with the Husband.

There/Their - Thank goodness for EDIT!

What do you mean ?

The multiple comments insinuating op is some kind of malicious homewrecker are coming across as pretty angry!

She’s ridiculing me for saying that I think OP may have been a bit naive but that it’s entirely possible she isn’t a malicious homewrecker.

There’s nothing wrong with having male friends at all - single or married. I’ve got plenty of both.

This isn’t what the dynamic is here. The Op has said she’s been friends with Sarah for 10 years only known the husband about 3. So it’s a long term friends husband, not just a male friend she knows separately.

There’s no problem at all being friendly with him but the husband of her long term friend coming to gets on his own to ask her opinion on various subjects - including his marital financials isn’t just a case of having male friends - it’s an unusual scenario and one that most respectful friends of his wife would avoid, especially knowing the wife isn’t overly happy.

I’ve got long term friends whose partners I get on great with - I wouldn’t be inviting them over to my place on their own to impart my opinion. That’s about keeping boundaries and respecting the wife.

I think the fact you’ve said you’re a single parent says it all because you are implying you wouldn’t need Steve or have as much space for Steve in your life if you were in a relationship or married etc. So that means you obviously know that he is somewhat fulfilling that role for you in some ways (not all obviously!) but that in itself shows it’s overstepping already.

Partly true but it’s kind of irrelevant what any of us thinks. It’s what Sarah thinks and she’s clearly unhappy with the situation so the OP should back off from her role as Steve’s advisor on feminism, politics, Sarah and Steve’s finances etc. Friends shouldn’t make friends feel uncomfortable and I think it’s outrageous that Steve is discussing Sarah’s money woes (or whatever, I’m not sure what state her finances are in) behind her bloody back. That’s a serious boundary violation. If Sarah has asked Steve to solicit the OP’s view on the couple’s finances that’s fine but clearly not what’s happening here.

I don’t see a problem with it. Married people are allowed to have friends. I have friends, my wife has friends (she even has friends I dislike and ones I’ve never met).

If she thinks her husband isn’t faithful then that’s an issue between them and nothing to do with you.

Your increased closeness with Steve clearly isn't working for your friendship with this couple, so your options seem clear to me. Either end the one to ones with him, or stand an excellent chance of losing your friendship with both. Doesn't matter whether people think Sarah is unreasonable or not. If she starts to complain to Steve he will likely distance anyway (or if not, he will be putting his visits to you before his wife's comfort, which will cause a whole other bunch of problems that will cost you the friendship of them both) so you've really nothing to gain by letting this continue other than a bit extra borrowed time. And a lot to lose.

If your good female friend is getting fed up with it, then it's probably a sign to back off, whether you have done anything wrong or not. Her feelings should be his priority and it they are not then that's a problem. Ask yourself if you were in a relationship with your own man, would you be as close as you are to your friend's husband? It doesn't mean she doesn't trust him or thinks anything is going to happen between you two. It could just be that she's sick of you always being there.

Listen OP, the faux innocence is wasted on most of us. You know exactly what is happening and appear to be loving it. His poor wife.

He’s somebody else’s husband. Your friend at that. Some friend you are.

Christ, what a depressing show of internalised misogyny. You all hate other women and see them inherently as a threat. What a sad mindset to have. Do you honestly think your partners don’t ever discuss things to do with your relationship, or politics, with their friends? Or have you forbidden them from having any?

Many mistresses are not as good looking or slim as their wives are. Just saying

I completely agree with this possibly because something similar happened to me.

I got into a relationship with a long standing male friend and naturally, I introduced him to my best female friend. We hung out together sometimes and I occasionally sent him to help her with the odd DIY job because she’s on her own. He was never really keen on her as he would often tell me, he thought she was using me although now I think it takes one to know one.

Shortly after I broke up with him, he started going round to hers all the time, I knew because she lives just up the road from me. I wasn’t too concerned to begin with as he and I were on friendly terms and he made out like it was just because he didn’t like being on his own. But then he fell out with me and stopped talking to me. This is when my so called best friend started rubbing my nose in their close friendship and told me things that I now believe were an attempt to make me jealous. The final straw came when she admitted she preferred his company over mine and said she was enjoying us ‘fighting’ over her.

Nearly a year later, it continues to feel like the biggest betrayal of my life and I’m still really affected by it. I’d shared so much in confidence with her, I’d confided things I’d never want him to know but I instinctively knew that her loyalty to me had been replaced with loyalty to him. For his part, he knew she was my closest and longest standing friend and I think it was an attempt to punish me for breaking up with him. Ultimately, it was just really inappropriate for them to strike up such a close friendship given both their relationships to me. I could have coped with them being low level friends, but this was well beyond that.

It killed my self esteem and my faith in people more generally. OP, please don’t do that to your friend.

OK, but I’m defending OP against a very specific charge here, best illustrated by this post:

Absolutely, and the faux 'he'd never be interested in little old me' is such a part of the script!

Why assume this is faux? Why is there a script? I’m not saying OP has done nothing wrong (I’m not commenting either way), only that I don’t think OP is being disingenuous.

Talk to Sarah, @Fammm . Have an open and honest conversation with your friend, ask her what is wrong and then what you can do to help. That could include providing reassurance about your friendship with Steve, changing how it operates, or cooling it. Or something could be going on for her unconnected to your friendship with Steve.

I've happily had completely platonic friendships with chaps all my life, some attached, some not, some came attached to my dear woman friends, some not. I've always been supportive of their marriages and relationships, as they have been with mine. I've only ever had an issue with two over the years. One was a local dad, he was married but his wife worked a lot and so he was the primary carer and contact as our DC were friends. Initially it seemed he was just being a good friend and neighbour, but when it became apparent he wanted to overstep that boundary I dropped the friendship like a hot brick. The second was when a good friend remarried and his new wife really didn't want him to have any friendships with any women who were not family members. That was sad, to lose him, as we had been friends for over 25 years, and her fears were unfounded as he really wasn't the sort to be unfaithful to her.