Good mates with friend's DH. Is trouble brewing??

[Fammm]

I am a single parent. I have a good friend who I met at a toddler group, let’s call her Sarah; she is married to Steve. I have known them both for over 10 years, though have only really got to know Steve well over the last 3 years or so. It turns out that Steve and I get on really well, and I would now consider him to be one of my best friends too. We can talk bollocks endlessly, have a similar sense of humour, and it’s really nice to spend time with them and be able to enjoy both person’s company. More recently Steve has been dropping in to mine for advice about stuff, he seems to really value my opinion, and he has done a couple of small jobs around my house for me, which is really kind of him since DIY isn’t my strong point!
However, I am sensing a chill in the air from Sarah. I should say that I would never ever overstep here – making a play for a someone else’s partner is a hardline no for me. And I really don’t think Steve finds me attractive, I am the polar opposite to Sarah who is very slim, glam and pretty (I am podgy, grey haired and a bit hippy-ish!!) However, Steve is undoubtedly fond of me, and vice versa.
I’m not sure how to proceed here. I want to maintain both friendships, but if Sarah is feeling a bit uneasy, perhaps I should cool my friendship with Steve? Should I just carry on as normal and see if she says something at some point? I don't want this to explode in my face in the future. What does MN think?

It’s threads like this that make me feel like I must inhabit a different world from everyone else - I’m honestly baffled by 90% of the posts here.

But I do think the accusations of faux naivety, and this idea that OP knows exactly what she is doing and is affecting innocence, are totally unfair. If you haven’t gone through your life assuming every man you know wants to sleep with you, then it doesn’t actually cross your mind that they could think of you in that way. I have close male friends, and even if they actually spelt it out to me that they were attracted to me, I would assume they were taking the piss.

I often forget I’m in a tiny minority here and that other women don’t think this way, but I can assure you that it is entirely possible to be utterly oblivious to the possibility of a friendship with a man being anything untoward. Maybe OP is naive, but I don’t think there’s anything false
about it at all.

Hope you’re OK, @Fammm!

And that ladies, is uber cool in action 😎

I’m going to go against the grain here. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. My husband has several close female friends and he has also done DIY for them in the past. Or gone to see them. They are not single but he has seen them without partners present. I don’t care. I trust him. If your friend has a problem with her husband’s fondness for you, she should speak to him and not blame you.

And you’d be happy if your husband was discussing your private financial affairs behind your back? Honestly? Again, how utterly cool 😎 Deranged, but undoubtedly cool 🤣

I’m with you!

What exactly did compel you to open this thread? Your friend has already shown you in very clear terms that she is not happy with your actions. What other evidence do you need to prove your appalling behaviour ?

From your other posts, it becomes crystal clear that the response you are getting from MN community has taken you aback. Your lack of judgement is dreadful. It is blatantly obvious that in the back on your mind there is a voice that is already telling you that what you are doing is wrong. So you would well to listen to that voice and back the fuck off from your friend's husband.

So funny to see the posters falling over themselves to come and say they would be absolutely fine if their Husbands decided to be best friends and spend loads of time with Fammm on his own.

You definitely would, wouldn't you op.

Poor Sarah.

Your friendship is ruined with Sarah.

The problem here is your use of the word happy. I discuss and have discussed many very personal issues with close friends. I think my husband would actually be horrified to know all of the details of things I have shared with my close friends. and it is mutual. I actually do know the personal financial details of several friends of mine, and they have asked me for advice regarding some aspects. The fact that you were putting a gender construct around those conversations and acting like a person cannot have these conversations with a member of the opposite sex is really, pathetic. to be honest I wouldn’t want to know. But I trust my husband enough to believe that he is talking to this other person because he feels comfortable talking to them, trust them, and values their opinion. And perhaps he thinks that talking to someone who is neutral could provide him with advice that would allow him to come back to me and have a more rational conversation. so no, this doesn’t bother me, I get it. Sometimes talking to someone outside of a situation is easier than speaking to someone who is emotionally involved.

A “gender construct”? Oh spare me please 🤣 I’d have fucking hated my H discussing my personal finances with anyone, man, woman, guinea pig …

It seems a lot of people here would feel a little insecure if Steve was their DH 😬. Steve hasn’t actually done anything wrong has he? He’s just being friendly towards OP and if OP was a male no one would give a toss?

I have lots of male friends, I seem to get on better with them ( maybe because I’m ND) but it doesn’t mean I want to jump in bed with any of them. I have a male friend who I see a couple times a week, sometimes with dc and sometimes without, we go for coffee and do activities with dc in the summer. I don’t want to jump into bed with him and he doesn’t want to jump in bed with me, we are friends. It’s ok to be friend with the opposite sex even if they are married or in a relationship.

I don’t think that the OP has said this at all. she said that they have become close and are fond of each other. I think a lot of people on this thread sound extremely immature and controlling. So you’re going to tell your husband that he can’t be friends with a woman because obviously that means that he wants to sleep with her and have an affair and leave you? Doesn’t sound like you have a lot of trust in your relationship.

Tbh the Op is written in exactly the way I remember a few girls used to talk at about age 15-20 when all they really wanted to hear was "he fancies you". Always with lots of comments about how nothing could possibly happen because they didn't really <giggle> think he could be interested in "boring old them" and they knew it was nothing, but he will insist on coming over...

And it's odd that he comes over to do so many DIY jobs, especially with his mates just to be nice. Because I don't think I've ever had a conversation about DIY jobs that need doing at home with anyone other than DH. Oh, actually I've remembered one. I asked someone it I could borrow his sander after we'd had woodworm. I did. I returned with with a "thank you". Conversation over.

Well I have to say, I wouldn’t have an issue either.

Ive had make friends, female friends. And no because they are make doesn’t automatically mean they want sex with me or me with them.
I mean maybe, at a push, when I was 15~20yo. But now, married with dcs? I’ve grown up.

I didn’t say that anywhere. I’m putting myself in @Fammm’s position, not Sarah’s: if a friend’s husband was spending loads of time with me I would not think there was anything weird about that because it would never cross my mind that he could be attracted to me.

In Sarah’s position, then yes I might well be pretty miffed, because it would definitely cross my mind that my husband might be attracted to my friend if they were spending loads of time together.

I’m not saying Sarah should be OK with this - I’m saying OP is not being disingenuous in saying she hadn’t realised anything was off until she noticed Sarah was chilly with her.

He likes asking my opinion on political issues/feminism/other isms

I am so embarrassed for you.

You hang about with men who’d have wanted to shag you when you were 15 but not now you’re grown up? Weird.

No, I trust my Husband thanks. He works, golfs etc with women. I said he gets on really well with my best friend. We have lots of couple friends. We just both have no interest in having special little friendships with them. How the hell do people have time if you work full time and share a hobby (not golf) with your Husband & Wife. We both couldn't be arsed.

I think your being disrespectful to Sarah by flirting with her husband, of course she's pissed off with you.
Just because you have crap hair and you're fat doesn't excuse you from the same social codes as Sarah, why would it?
You're a crap friend to Sarah, once her husband sees it this way (only a matter of time) he wont want to be your mate either.

@ABwithAnItch My Husband feels the same way by the way even though there is a lot if trust. We just prefer each others company and as I said he couldn't be bothered doing DIY for other people in his spare time.

but that’s not the point of this fucking conversation is it? The reason I use those terms is because the OP is talking about how her relationship with a friend’s husband is now causing her friend distress. really your point is stupid. So you are a private person, big fucking deal. I’m sorry you have so little trust and other people, male or female. no one cares.

It seems a lot of people here would feel a little insecure if Steve was their DH 😬.Steve hasn’t actually done anything wrong has he? He’s just being friendly towards OP and if OP was a male no one would give a toss?
The if OP was male is irrelevant in this situation.People aren't insecure for identifying that boundaries have either been crossed or blurred. That's straying towards "you know my wife's insecure and paranoid about you, but how silly is that when we're just friends" (tilt head and laugh at the silly wife) territory.

I don't necessarily think either Steve or OP (especially OP) is looking for an affair or trying to get each other into bed, but I do think Steve and the OP are playing with fire and possibly both enjoying a little ego boost and the hint that they could pull if they wanted to.

I'm fine with opposite sex friendships and get on well with my friends' husbands, but I've never felt like I wanted to post on Mumsnet asking if any of my friends' husbands might fancy me or "my friend's distant with me since me and her husband increased the amount of time we see each other, he's such a great guy I don't understand what her problem could be" because our friendships are the correct side of the line.

OP to give you maybe a slightly different perspective, my DP has several female friends, some single and some in relationships. I trust him as far as it's reasonable to trust anyone. I don't have any issue with any of these friends at the moment. They all pre-date me so I don't feel I can get stroppy about them, plus they're longstanding, established friendships and seem unlikely to change to anything else. I also take it as positive that he is friends with women, because it means he views them as people in their own right, not solely as potential sexual partners.

However, in the past I did have a bit of a problem with an ex of his. It wasn't that I thought he would cheat on me. I didn't think there was anything sexual going on and it wasn't an emotional affair in my eyes either. They'd been together for many years and the relationship had run its course. However she was single and wanted a man in her life and if she needed advice or to vent, she would phone him. And what pissed me off is I would be trying to phone him up and the line would be engaged because of her. When I finally did get through he would be talked out, because he'd been listening to her and she can be quite emotionally draining.

So it wasn't that I thought they would have an affair, but that she was taking up his time and emotional energy. I talked to him about it, and he backed off, making sure he prioritised me. They're still friends, but there is a boundary there that he won't cross. I think you need to enforce that boundary. Don't take up too much of his time and energy - and yes, if you talk to her, you might get an idea of what the problem is and how she wants to proceed.

I am so sorry for all of these people who have never experienced a platonic friendship. I have a "Steve" and I can honestly say if we were the last two remaining people on earth and the continuation of the population depended on it......we still wouldn't!! I know his wife, she's cool, there really is no issue. Obvious poster has indicated the wife may have an issue but from what I've read that's probable from issues between them as a couple of her own insecurities. What a sad world we live in if people can't be friends without being accused of having affairs.
@Fammm I would ease back but only because his wife is obviously not happy and you don't know why. Whilst your friendship with husband seems perfectly innocent, her friendships is your priority I would say as you were friend's first. Stick to seeing them as a couple where possible. Turn DIY into a time for you and her to catch up and you and him can enjoy a chat too with upsetting his wife/your friend.
Everyone else se....grow up!!!

I agree.
And saying he clearly wouldn't be interested in me because his wife is much prettier.
No mention of OPs possible feelings towards him growing.
Which oh yes, they can do.
On the put down looking for a leg up!!!!

You know this has gone too far. If I was Sarah I would be keeping you at arms reach. Take a step back from Steve.

But you already knew that.