Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

Yes, because he keeps pissing off with DS, not telling me where he is and I’m stuck with DD! But apparently that’s all wonderful

OP, the specific example in your OP makes you sound unreasonable BUT I get that this is the latest in a long line of you just waiting for him. I imagine when he makes plans to do something he doesn't check that you'll be around to parent the children, but when you make plans you have to check that he will be around, write it in the shared calendar and remind him semi regularly? My DH did this for a while until I played an Uno reverse on him and did the exact same back to him. I just announced I was off out one day with my friend. DH found it so unsettling being just left and not knowing when I was coming back, whether or not we were doing tea together etc. He wanted to discuss it the next day and I pointed out that I just acted exactly like he does. He is now a lot more fair with his expectations

So tell him you're swapping kids for the day?

Ok, but in the example you've given, you told him to take ds. You have talked about him communicating with you, but you haven't communicated with him that you'd rather do that bit. You could have said 'I'll take that to the garage, I'll take ds too to get some air, maybe to the park too.'

He might be, but he honestly doesn't sound bad from the examples you've given. I think you've just had it. These ages are the hardest time with two children, you need 4 hands.

Maybe tomorrow, you take ds to the park?

You're coming across as well aggy

We get that you didn't like but it's not a bad thing to do, he just extended their trip out a bit.

It's definitely you BU here, but I do get that the baby years are pretty relentless so understand your view too.

It’s fairly clear I’m not just talking about that though.

I have that example because that’s the one that prompted the row, but it’s a constant, as said above by @CatamaranViper .

He can and does vanish, sometimes with a child, often not. If I take both children out to give him a break the one thing I can guarantee is he won’t be home when I get back.

He will sometimes take them both in the morning but does nothing else so when I get up I still have to do breakfast, cleaning, get them dressed. And I’m tired, I’m really, really tired.

Oh OP people are being very inconsiderate of your feelings on here 💐
The point os, you feel how you feel and ypur DH doesn't seem to give a shit.
I get it. He'll probably get it too in time.

Tomorrow's another day!

Would be worse if he'd gone to the pub with his mates. Spending 121 time should be encouraged. Maybe suggest next weekend he takes the baby to the park for a bit.

He did go to the pub with his mates last night.

So why don't you go to the pub with your mates next week?

Then book a night out too, is he stopping you ?

This. It doesnt sound like youre breastfeeding so why be a martyr. Be proactive. Take the boy and go out for the day. then next weekend, leave all three and go out for the day.

I get it. Sound sound frazzled and maybe actually you would have loved to be on the one at the park having fun with the 3 year old not stuck at home with a baby who is being hard work at the moment?

My partner vapes and I went through a period where each time I saw him disappear out of the door to vape I felt like murdering him. I would have all this little people stuff to do and he is vaping!

I don't want to vape but it just didn't seem fair he could just walk out of room and do this.

With small fussy babies you can't.

No answers sorry. We have talked about it for years and not really got to an answer but I still feel the rage when I see him chilling and I still have jobs to do etc.

It is still early, you go out tonight.

Sorry, but I just don't understand why you're sitting waiting for him to come home. Just get on - why do you need him at home or to know exactly when he's coming home? He did a nice thing taking your child to the park, and you ruined it. He must be walking in eggshells!

You’re being high maintenance and going completely over the top.
If he had gone to the pub (not with ds of course) i would say you had a point.

Life is going to be really miserable if you continue to sweat the small stuff. I've been married thirty years with 3 adult DC, none of your examples are worth working yourself up about.

Can you leave him with both children tomorrow and go out for a walk and to a nice cafe to get some space or go for a swim or something?
And ask him to sort the bags from the cupboard or both of you go through it tonight when the kids are in bed.

Can I just clarify.

you’re annoyed with your OH for getting up with your child at 5:45 and you went back to sleep until 8 and then complained the kitchen wasn’t clean? I would blow my top if my OH slept in until 8 and was mad at me for a mess. How nice of him to give you a lie in.

I don’t think you’re in the wrong- I think you’re overwhelmed at the moment. Explain clearly to your DH what is going on for you and ask for help and support- be clear about what you feel would be helpful. Don’t suffer without speaking up. Equally don’t expect him to know what’s wrong. Talk to each other

You’re shattered and overwhelmed. It’ll get better.

your ds hurled abuse at you - at the age of 3 ?!!!

The man needs a good flogging, how dare he have the audacity to be helpful finding a scarf.

Why didn't you just phone him after 10 minutes and ask him where he was? I think you're just exhausted OP and so even very small things are blown up into huge things. Have you asked him to take the baby out for the day/a few hours to give you a break? Or have you suggested all going to the park every weekend if that feels easier to you than being at home?

You have a baby, you can't expect to do much more than tread water IMO OP, babies just take over your whole life! Things will get much easier as the kids get older. Plan your weekends with DH ahead of time so he knows the plan and doesn't just go off and do his own things.

Instead of blaming DH for your struggles and ending up rowing just tell him that you're really struggling. Tell him the things you're struggling with doing and ask him if he can help you - then tell him exactly what would help you. Ask him if there's anything he's struggling with or finds difficult. This way it feels like you're working together as a team rather than getting into a blaming/getting defensive cycle.

I do think OP is unintentionally shouldering the burden whether she realises that or not .OP you do need to talk to your husband because he's probably capable of much more than you give him credit for . You don't need to try to carry everything .