Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

At which point was the horrible row?

Today, after the park visit.

Doesn’t sound like he’s done anything wrong.

You can’t control every second of his life.

If he wants to take his son to the park on the way home why are you making such a big deal about it?

You also goaded him to find the scarf under the stairs too.

Give the poor guy a chance. You chose to highlight 2 unconnected events with bigger issues how is he suppose to respond to that?

Honestly, I can’t see what he did that was so awful. Yes, emptying the contents of the stairs was a pain, but it was clearly done as a kind gesture when you two were having a moment.

And surely it’s good for your toddler to be out of the house, to get away from the stress and also getting some 1-1 attention.

Sounds like it’s generally stressful and difficult at the moment, and you understandably lashed out. As someone who has an almost 3 year old and 3 month old, I get it!

@Sunflowerfieldnexttomyhouse it does sound a bit like you’re trying to be unpleasant rather than constructive.

I have no issue with DH taking his son to the park. I would have preferred we all go, as being stuck at home with DD is in all honesty not a particularly enjoyable experience just at the moment, but it’s not a problem.

I do have a problem with just being left while DH does as he wishes. It’s that which is upsetting. I could give numerous other examples of this sort of thing where he decides to do something (not often something involving a child either!) and goes and does it and I get a message if I’m lucky.

Can't see the problem unless it was the straw that broke the camel's back 7

As you say, you are just "treading water" right now. Things will get better. Don't make any rash decisions over a horrible row. I've had countless horrible rows with DH, we've threatened each other with divorce many times. Our 30 year anniversary is coming up. The horrible rows are part of the "better for worse" part of marriage. Hang tight, be extra forgiving towards each other and muddle on through.

@CatchAButterfly it wasn’t awful but it’s the culmination of events. I take the children somewhere for an hour, come back and he’s vanished. He goes to do a ten minute task and an hour later I get a message explaining where he is. It becomes very difficult because you don’t know what’s going on but also you’re the one stuck at home waiting.

The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this

You’ve said your 3 year old is being sidelined and are now moaning that your DH spent time in the park 1:1? The man can’t do right for doing wrong for goodness sake.

A Dad took his son to the park and spent time with him. I’m another who can’t understand why that was wrong.

Your DH must have thought he had done something nice taking the toddler to the park
What you’ve posted suggest you’re exhausted and overwhelmed - not surprising
but I can’t really see what your DH has done

...but... You're an adult. Each of you was looking after a child. Why would he need to ask your permission to go somewhere with his DC? Why can you not be "left"?

If what you want and need is more of a break from looking after the baby, say so. But you're honestly not making a lot of sense to me right now, so I doubt you're making sense to him.

Well, it sounds like he did two good things: found you your scarf (at your request) and took your child to the park (which is good parenting, no?)

I get it - you’re finding parenting tough right now. But it’s not fair to take it out on him.

Sounds like he's opting in to parenting when it suits him.

How often and for long does he look after them both alone?

I’ll try one more time to explain and then give up as a bad job because I do feel there’s some deliberate misunderstanding going on here.

This weekend, DH went out for a drink - not a problem. I put the children to bed and then quite liked the peace but did get concerned as time went on. Sent a message - he replies to say they’re still out. Then I get a message saying he’s going for food and is that OK? Yes, not a problem. I went to sleep, the baby woke at 2 and the car wasn’t there. I sent a message asking if he was all right (I was worried) but then heard snores from downstairs.

Eventually got DD back to sleep at half 3, then DS woke screeching the place down at about 545. I did go into him but had abuse hurled at me so left him. DH eventually heard him and took him and I went back to sleep. 8 am I go down, DS hasn’t had breakfast or got dressed or a drink and the kitchen still looks like a bomb hit it.

As I keep saying it really isn’t that taking him to the park is a problem. But it would be nice to be told and not just sitting and waiting for your husband to come home

Could you have met them at the park?

PPs are missing the point.

Taking him to the park is great, acting unilaterally when you're meant to be a team is not.

He should have texted- going to take DS to the park.

It's also the assumption that OP is the default parent and her time is for the family unless otherwise stated, whereas his time is his unless he decides to devote it to the family.

He can disappear for an hour- she can't.

OP, did he put everything back under the stairs? Or just pull it all out and leave it? I wouldn't be impressed by that, and I doubt PPs would either if their hall was filled with crap.

Men are applauded for making even the clumsiest attempt at 'helping' sometimes.

But why would you be waiting for him to come home, instead of just getting on with your own stuff? Or bundling up the baby and going out to meet them? I'm not deliberately misunderstanding. I just find your way of thinking about this completely foreign. You seem very... emotionally dependent on his presence.

@32degrees thank you so much. I don’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill but it’s exactly that - he is free to do as he wishes and I’m, well, not.

The hall is indeed full of crap which I’m going to have to sort through with a baby who for the moment at least is very demanding, fussy and hard to settle. Spending an hour with her isn’t some sort of treat, I know that sounds horrible but it isn’t.

I only knew where they were after three quarters of an hour @DreadPirateRobots

No one is deliberately misunderstanding just because we don’t agree with you. Quite the contrary, whilst many think it’s a non issue, most sympathise.

And this massive dripfeed isn’t connected to what happened today. But again, can’t see what he did wrong with this latest update. He asked you if it’s ok to stay out and also woke up early despite being out drinking. Honestly, sounds like you’re looking for fault.

To be honest you do sound unreasonable from this no one told you to stay at home . You sent them out on their own . So father and son had an impromptu play in the park .You need to unwind yourself ,you're tightly coiled and looking for fault . Don't push him away .

There isn’t deliberate misunderstanding going on at all. I don’t see what he’s done that’s so terrible by this update. You were happy for him to go out and he went, he checked in to see if you minded he went for food so he went for food. He clearly didn’t drink drive as the car wasn’t there and he fell asleep downstairs. Perhaps not to disturb anyone? He came and got an upset child when you’d left him when he eventually heard him. Did you not think to shout down to ask him to get the three year old? And what abuse can a 3 year old hurl at you? Or am I misunderstanding here? Was it your DH who hurled the abuse? It sounds like you don’t like your 3 year old or your DH much from your posts tbh.

So people think it’s all right for him to vanish, go off to places without letting me know first? I’m just checking as I’m finding it very hard but the consensus is that’s ridiculous.

And so what? Your son is with his dad? It’s only 45 minutes.

It sounds like you’re exhausted and are therefore lashing out.