Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

Obviously this isn't about emptying out the cupboard or going to the park. They are just events you can hook your frustration on to. You are frustrated as he won't fully parent his children and doesn't understand the reality of a baby who is hard work. He should have sent a message to say he was stopping at the park with your toddler, if nothing else so you weren't worrying and you knew where they were. You could then have decided whether to join them or not. He is equally their parent and he needs to start being one.

Yes. DS doesn’t like me much any more. I’m sure you can see why.

I honestly thought I would get helpful advice here but evidently not. Instead, people have picked up bits of my posts.

DH got up at 6, after I’d already been up.

He didn’t feed DS. He didn’t give him a drink.

I was up half the night with the baby, just like every night.

i can see I’m wasting my time here and you all think I’m a horrible woman with no redeeming features, but I’m honestly so easygoing. I just want to know where they are and when, if, ever, I’m going to get a break. I think the answer to that is probably ‘never’ and at the moment I regret having children which is horrible but I do.

Op, gently, you just sound like two parents overwhelmed. DH and I have been together 14 years this year, 2 DC (3.5 and just turned 1). We joked (and half seriously) agreed not to divorce the first year of our second's life cause we know how trying it is on a relationship. It's finally getting a bit easier now but it's been up and down the last twelve months. it sounds like things are getting on top of you both and you're reacting to small things. Yes maybe DH should've checked in with you, or asked if you wanted to join, but he hasn't done anything really awful.

DH had a really overwhelming day taking a three year old to the park for half an hour

I am definitely orbiting a different universe.

Honestly OP I think your feelings may have tipped into PND and you should consider speaking to your GP. That does not invalidate your feelings, they are real and they are valid. But they may have reached the point where you need some help with them from your GP, as well as from your DH.

Could you get your dh to take dd out for 2 hours every weekend so you can spend time with just ds.
And get a night out with friends.
You'll burn yourself out otherwise.

I think you just need to have a conversation with dh - you feel your relationship with ds needs building and don’t want to be left alone with dd so either you want to do things as a 4 or you want 1-1 time with ds.

i think the tiredness may be clouding your thinking (totally understandable) because the father focusing on the older dc while mum cares for the baby is quite a normal scenario. Your dh isn’t a mind reader and your posts seem to want him to behave in quite a specific way with no comprehension that his reality may be different to yours.

I think I cross posted with you@Pinkswans

Eh?? He took his child to the park!!!!! You do realise there are woman on here whos husbands do NOTHING with theyre children, Your being absolutely ridiculous, Lucky 3 yr old that his Dad wanted to take him to the park.

Op, I can promise you, if you read this thread with a detached eye, you can see clearly that the overwhelming responses hear you and have offered help.

It IS helpful at this stage ti hear your dh doesn't sound that bad, based on your examples, you just need to communicate better. It is helpful to offer suggestions as at the moment you can't seem ti see the woods from the trees.

If you can understand that people here are being kind, rather than out to get you, you might be able to hear the suggestions better.

Be honest with him. He's obviously desperate to please you. Tell him you really miss how you used to pull together and say you really need him and can you have a new try at pulling together over baby being tricky as he so good at working things out, solving problems etc. It doesn't matter if it's truly your thoughts, he'll want to please and the positive presentation will make him want to 'help'.

What would happen if you took DD out to the park or a soft play today when he went to the garage? How would he have reacted to coming home and finding you'd gone out?
Would he sort DSs lunch out? Would he have just rolled up his sleeves and get on with things?

Is he clearing up the bags of crap from the cupboard?

You sound tired and stressed with a difficult baby. I've been there I sympathise. You need to sort out some time for yourself so it is more balanced. You might want to do different things to your husband but it is fair for you both to have some time for your own thing and also have some one to one with your 3 year old.

It does get better but it can take time.

OP you're trying to think about everything , you don't have to try to carry everyone .Your husband would probably be shocked you feel it's all on you . Call GP and talk to husband .

obviously desperate to please you what 😂😂😂

This is farcial; it really is.

It’s true I shouldn’t have posted, nothing will change. In essence, DH has a child and so do I. Not a family though.

But that isn’t ALL he’s done. He got up at 6am with DS. He cleared out the cupboard under the stairs (unfinished job but still some good done as he found your scarf and got the old unused pushchair out). He then took the pushchair to the garage and took DS at your suggestion. THEN they went to the park. If he’s come home and is sitting on his arse while you look after both children and do all the housework and cooking etc then that’s obviously unfair but I suspect he’s not.

OP I completely understand what you are saying, and why you are upset. Even the "good dads" seem incapable of understanding or recognising when they are expecting their partner to be the default parent.

It's particularly difficult because the behaviour is often masked by these men seemingly "pulling their weight". Our DC are teens and it is still a recurring problem in our relationship. DH undoubtedly does as much for the family as I do, but at the weekend he somehow always gets to choose what no-urgent job he fancies doing, which often seems to involve disappearing into the garage or garden - where as I am inevitably have to make sure that the hamster wheel of shopping gets done and there is food on the table and clean clothes for everyone to wear etc etc etc.

I've given up even trying to discuss it because I just sound unreasonable - as I said, he pulls his weight. But he JUST DOESN'T GET that I am ALWAYS the one making sure the wheels stay on.

I cant see anything wrong in either of the scenarios you've mentioned. Sounds like he's in a no win situation. You suggested they went out for a walk with the old buggy. They did & it turned into a spontaneous trip to the park. Not unreasonable, its not like he went to the pub.

Sounds as if things are just getting on top of you just now, understandable with a grizzly baby, but it sounds like your husband is getting the brunt of it & can't do right for doing wrong. Talk to him. From what you've said he really does seem to be trying to help

Oh, and get him to clear up the mess he made in the hall

OP I understand where you were coming from. You're exhausted, sleep deprived and dealing with a difficult baby. I remember those days well.
At the same time I don't think your DH did anything wrong. Maybe he even thought he was giving you a bit of a break to take your son to the park.
I understand your frustration but I think you were wrong to have a big row with him after the park. He did nothing wrong and probably felt attacked. I think instead of rowing you should have had a calm conversation about how exhausted you are, how difficult you're finding the baby and how you need support. Look at ways he can support you - whether that's you all going out together, or him taking the children out tomorrow while you rest. Whatever. It's better to come up with solutions than just taking your frustration out on each other.

I completely understand. Have a fairly similar situation here and we argued about it today too.
Just a lot of me trying to talk myself down from being annoyed he's disappeared again and causally ask where he is without my furious tone being obvious as I'm on 24 hour baby duty.
My time when she naps is either trying to catch a bit of sleep or doing housework cooking etc. no breaks. No activities and no appreciation for it.

Nothing wrong with him taking the toddler to the park. However, op needs a break and he’s not picking up on that. A break with no baby or toddler. She’s bloody exhausted and probably doesn’t want to have to spell it out for a grown man.

I think part of the issue here is that you are asking for far too little. You don’t just need communication, you need your DH to stop cherry picking the best bits of parenthood and start getting stuck in with the drudgery. Communication isn’t enough. You don’t need him to just tell you where he’s is/is going to be so you can try and cling to the point when he’ll be back to help you get through the misery of a crying baby, you need him to start taking DD and letting you go off with DS. you need him to do the bits with the kids that are hard and involve saying no or getting them to do the things they don’t want to. Not just having special moments and then dropping the ball while you fill in all the bits he’s missed because they’re boring or difficult.

You suggested they went out for a walk with the old buggy no I didn’t.

At no point did I say DH, know what desperate for is for you to fuck off for ages leaving me with a screaming baby. Guess what happened though? And he’s dad of the year because of one park visit.

I think you maybe need to sit your DH down for a proper chat about how you're feeling and explain that you need him to step up and help ie. Make breakfast, give your DS a drink etc pull his weight they're his children too. Good luck and for what it's worth it does get easier 💐