Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

I think it’s perfectly fine for a parent to decide to do something fun with their child on their way home.

Especially, when the parents are fully aware that child is being sidelined due to a difficult phase their sibling is in

So what? Well, firstly I was stuck in with DD, who is very difficult. I couldn’t take her out as I didn’t know where they were. DS hadn’t had lunch. I didn’t know whether to make something or not. And I do find it hard. It isn’t in my nature to lash out, the opposite in fact, but I don’t feel great about it at all.

Ok, it seems I am in the wrong.

I think you're knee deep in the mire with baby and most of the care for 3yo and feel he's coming in, cherry picking the best parts of parenting, and leaving you with the shite. In his eyes he's taken the 3yo to do you a favour. Neither of you are wrong, just coming from different perspectives. He needs to try to understand how you are feeling and why you are thoroughly fed up. None of his behaviour as a one off is that bad, but the cumulative effect is upsetting you.

Is there a time/place you could articulate this to him? An email/message he reads and then you talk about could work.

You're also knackered and he isn't. That makes a big difference.

I promise it gets easier (parent of now 4&7yo).

If you decided to take your children to the park on the way home from the village would you always text him to update him?

Do you always give him exact time updates all the time you are out without him?

He won’t listen. These responses are exactly what he’d say. I feel like I’m going to be stuck holding a baby forever, which of course isn’t the case, but it’s really not enjoyable, at all.

I say this gently but I think you are overreacting, your DH is entitled to take your son to the park, I would love for mine to take that kind of initiative tbh. I think maybe you are understandably a little unhappy in general and maybe have been bottling feelings up. I can understand why he doesn't think he's done anything wrong but you need to explain to him how you are feeling in general and not just about the park trip.

So tomorrow leave him with the baby whilst you take the toddler out for a walk

You can't complain about him going out with the toddler leaving you with the baby when it was literally your suggestion

You were in alone for an hour. That’s not a long period of time.
Why does not knowing where they are make any difference to whether you can take her out? Presumably you both have house keys and phones?
the lunch thing is clutching at straws. Text him and say ‘will you be wanting lunch or sorting yourself out’. Simple.
Being tired and overwhelmed is shit, but it seems like YABU and lashing out because of it.

This is not loaded, but what is it that you want? Because maybe you’re not communicating properly which is why none of us can see what the problem is.

You are clearly struggling, which is completely understandable, but it’s still not clear on how he’s not helping.

Well yes! My DH used to go out to fill the car with petrol and end up at the beach with our children especially when our youngest was being a nightmare. He never needed my permission to parent our children or have fun with them! He’d message an hour or so later to say they were here or there. Quite often it was a case of the children were wanting an adventure or one to one time with him. He’d often ‘disappear’ with all three and I’d happily take myself back to bed for an hour or sort the house out. Likewise I’d go to the do the weekly shop with one or two of the children and decide I’d take them for lunch/to the park/ice skating etc. while he was at home with the youngest. It’s really no big deal.

Again, I'm sorry, but as someone outside this situation, this just doesn't make sense to me. Why do you need to know where they are before you can leave the house? Can't you just make your DS some toast when he comes back if he hasn't eaten?

You may or may not have a legit beef about being treated as the default parent, I honestly can't tell, not least because today's example is of your DH taking responsibility for your DS without needing prompting or scaffolding. All I can take away from your posts right now is that your mental health doesn't seem to be in a good place, and you seem to be quite reliant on your DH emotionally. I think it might be time for a talk with the GP about your mental health, in all honesty.

I get it. There are times during any marriage when you don’t feel like you’re working as a team and it’s hard and frustrating. It is a minor thing but I can see how you were left thinking, ffs, I’ll stay in with the baby then, shall I?

Take toddler out tomorrow and get some space from the baby for a while. When things are calmer you can maybe talk about this with him rationally? I say that, but we’ve been similar recently and I only let it out when I’m wailing in tears about something 😂

I’m really sorry as you are obviously stressed as many of have been with a baby and toddler. It’s often a very hard time especially if you are the main caregiver. However I honestly cannot see quite what’s so bad with what your DH has done. You don’t have to sort out all the stuff from under the stairs, surely he can do that when he is at home? And it sounds NICE that he went to the park. If you wanted to go to the park you just had to say “let’s all drive to put the pushchair in the garage and then we can pop to the park on the way back” but you didn’t you suggested DS go with DH.

I do get it as I can find fault with my poor DH for practically anything… but really your DH doesn’t sound like either of your examples of his behaviour are bad.

Yeah I read the OP twice and I was super confused.

Having two young children is often a shitty stage for marriages. It was for me. It sounds like you're overwhelmed with how tough things are and you guys aren't communicating very well about your needs rather than him doing anything overtly wrong. I'd have been thrilled that he took DS to burn off some extra energy at the park.

Is the issue that you don't want to be solely in charge of your DD so much? Or that you want to all be together more?

Everyone, I do get the consensus is I am in the wrong. To be honest I am holding on by a thread and repeatedly reading this isn’t helping. People presumably have marriages where one person is left with the shitty jobs, the other gets the good stuff and it seems I’ve pulled the short straw.

So I get the night wake ups, the miserable baby, all the shit and DH can go to the park when he wants and leave me with eleven bags of crap and all is well.

I need to be a man in my next life. As this one sure isn’t much fun.

You sound very controlling. I’m your DH is more than capable of feeding a 3 year old child (who’d probably have been having too much fun to be bothered about food). Just put your DD in her pram and take her for a walk screaming or not. This is turning into a massive drip feed tbh.

I don't really understand why you're stuck at home with the baby .Who is keeping you at home ? Go out for long walks , just go .

Yes this second paragraph is what I was trying to say!

He doesn't need your permission to take his son to the park for less than an hour. It's not like he went to the pub on his own for hours.

Perhaps he thought he was being nice by taking one of the kids out.

But he had his phone. You knew they would be back. It just took a bit longer.

I think the problem is that you have kicked off when he hasn’t really done anything wrong because your communication isn’t great.

You made the comment that suggested you really wanted the scarf. You knew there was loads of stuff under the stairs. He went through the cupboard and found the scarf. Which means sorting all the shit out. So he tried to do what you wanted. But you don’t like how he did it.

He did something spontaneous and fun with ds. Ds would have been really happy. You say you don’t mind him doing. But don’t like how he did it.

I have known many couples where the men just leave stuff to their female partner like you are suggesting here. And it’s shit. But I have also known some where the man has ended up backing off because whenever they do anything, it’s not been done the right way.

So he took his kid to the park and hopefully had a nice time together?

It doesn't sound like you're enjoying everything at the minute but if you had taken your 3 year old and he had asked to go to the park would you have really said no because you have to do stuff altogether or ask for permission?

Of course I wouldn’t.

It sounds like you’re doing all the work while dh just does family life when he wants. No wonder you’re fed up. i think you should do something nice with ds tomorrow and leave dh with dd. And i would be pissed off if my dh “helped” by finding something but left crap everywhere and didn’t tidy up. Take care, it’s a hard time at the moment but it will get better.