Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

@AnnaBegins thats exactly it. DD is nearly breaking me at the moment and I really desperately need some space from her. Two adults and two children is much easier than one adult one child with a baby like this and plus she is more settler when out and about. As it is I haven’t seen DS all day, when I do I’m the horrible mean mummy making vegetables and putting limits on TV and desperately trying and failing to toilet train him.

Also I hope I’m not making you feel worse. I just want you to stand up for yourself and suggest you do some fun stuff and leave DH to do some shitty jobs at the weekend. Or get him to take them both out so you can have a couple of hours to yourself.

This.

I’m struggling to see why you’re getting a hard time on here, OP, but MN can be like that. It sounds to me as though you’d like to feel (and be!) part of a team, whereas your DH is not a team player atm. And, yes, of course at one level it’s great he’s taken his DS to the park and had some 1:1 time with him — but if repeated instances like this (and I know you said quite often he has his own time that doesn’t involve the children at all) make you feel you’re not on the same page/he’s cherry picking the nice bits of parenting, while you’re the default parent, that’s NOT teamwork.

Can you sit down together once the DC are in bed and explain how it makes you feel? If you focus more on how you feel/what you need than ‘what he’s done wrong’ it might be more productive…

Are you also getting some time for you where you’re not with the DC? That can definitely help.

Good luck, OP. x

It sounds tough at the moment OP. It's taken us readers a while to understand where you're coming from and what your DH has done wrong, so I guess that's what he struggled with too.

But he shouldn't need telling how tough you're finding it at the moment! Maybe he thought he was helping by cheering you up with the scarf and taking DS to the park. But he's not listening to what's actually the problem.

You'll get through this tough part if you can both try to communicate better and work as a team. Any chance you could go out together tomorrow and ask him to lead with DD while you focus on DS?

I get what you are saying OP, he just does what he wants and leaves you the mess, the very hard to look after baby, and doesn’t even tell you where he is.

i can’t see how any of the posters who seem puzzled would really be happy with this, maybe their bars for being a team are as low as your husbands.

hand the baby over as soon as you can tomorrow morningand just go out for the whole morning. And don’t tell him anything except bye bye dear

Not really no. I had one afternoon when he took them both to his mum and dads since she’s been born, that’s it. When shes settled I don’t mind but she’s honestly become the world’s most difficult baby overnight and if you sit down holding her she screams and starts trying to escape. She won’t be put down so all I can do is walk round holding her. It’s miserable and isolating.

I'm sorry life is such a struggle at the moment. Life with 2 young children is exhausting and very difficult at times. I mean this very gently, but do you think the problem is that you are struggling to bond with your DD? Is it worth considering the possibility you may have post natal depression and discussing it with your GP?

Oh now ive seen you’re trying to toilet train too. God no wonder you are stressed. That was a hideous time.

Of course I’ve bonded with her, that’s why I spend my days trying to settle her. It doesn’t make it enjoyable or easy.

@Pinkswans i can hear your desperation 💐

I don't think he’s doing anything wrong, objectively speaking, but it isn’t working for you, and that’s an entirely valid feeling. You do need to articulate some of this to him, but constructively rather than critically. Can you ask him to take both of them in the morning to give you a lie-in? Sometimes a bit of time away from them can help reset. And then make a plan for him to take DD out later while you bake with DS or take him out on his bike. It doesn’t have to be much. At this point, with young kids, you have to create moments for yourself or with one child, rather than they just happen organically. I promise you will get to the point where they do just come, but you’re probably at least a year away from that. So for now, create some space for you and ask DH to facilitate that for and with you.

Have you spoken to him about how much you’re struggling with the baby?

You are talking about the mess and him taking his child to the park etc but these things are red herrings as the truth is you are struggling with the baby and need some extra help from him.

You need to communicate and be really honest and tell him exactly what he can do to help you.
E.g. Tomorrow ask that he look after the baby whilst you take DS out for a couple of hours.

I think you are stuck in the most needy part of parenthood and it can feel relentless. You feel that DH is doing more fun stuff. Your examples don't really show that unless you feel your DH wouldn't allow you to do the same things? Would it be a problem for him if you went to the park with your DS and he stayed home with the baby? Or if you went out to dinner with friends and he stayed home with the kids?

When my DC were young I used to get annoyed feeling like I had to do all the mundane stuff but looking back I realise I was a bit controlling at the time, eg thought I was the only one who could settle the baby. Not saying this is how you are, but sometimes when you are further removed from the situation you see things differently.

Staying out an extra 45 minutes is not the be all and end all. If he'd gone off for 3 hours and you didn't know where they were that woukd be a different matter but a quick trip is probably not something you would be worked up about if you weren't already tired and frustrated with family life. Maybe try to sit down with him and arrange how you can split time so you feel you are doing more fun stuff?

Young children are hard and I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment OP x
I can only suggest talking about it your H. He needs to give you a break & desperately need some sleep x

I understand where you coming from, I really struggled with going from one to two children.

You do need to sit DH down and have an honest conversation about how you need to have time away from both children to recharge you batteries.

You're not in the wrong. I think PP are focusing on the park trip in your post, but that this is a much bigger thing for you and that trip was just the straw that broke the camel's back.

I too am the default parent, and have been since my kids were born pretty much. My OH, like yours by the sound of it, just wouldn't think in many cases and then if I said anything about it, it would be like I was getting on at him. It also sounds like your OH, like mine, doesn't take it on board when you try and talk to him. Now whether that's a communication issue who knows. But with a 3 yo and a 6 month baby, I imagine you're probably bloody shattered and running low on the energy to have to explain every little thing and constantly asking him to do things.

Hopefully for you things improve. I'm a number of years down the line and things are still the same!

Can you take some time for yourself? Leave OH and the kids at home for a bit tomorrow, just get out of the house. Try and make this a regular thing, it's not always easy but you need some time where you're not the one in charge of everything.

Sending an unmumsnetty hug x

@Pinkswans you could do with leaving him with the dcs and seeing a friend. Or just go to the gym, for a walk, hair done. Anything to get away.
Do you have a play pen? If baby can sit up put baby in with a few toys and if they cry just go and reassure then keep going back. But like controlled crying. Or put baby in the buggy. Even if it's in front of the TV. Anything to get a break from the wriggling. They won't die of crying.

You need a break. Any way that you can get away for a night without the dc? Maybe without Dh too?

I think I'd have taken her out, and not worried about letting him know where you were all worried about lunch for DS since your DH could presumably manage that.

I think I'd be looking for ways to make my life easier by mimicking his behaviour..

Bit like*

Did you say at one point that your three-year-old had hurled abuse at you, OP? That sounds nasty.

I did a photography course when ds1 was a baby. I was knackered but was nice to get a break.

But what you want seems to change. One minute it's fine for him to go to the park as long as he communicates what he's doing, the next he's wrong because he's taking the fun jobs and leaving you with the baby, then the next he should have given advance notice so you could all have gone to the park together so you weren't missing out. I know you're finding life hard right know OP, but the man literally can't do right for doing wrong.

I think to a certain extent, you're trapping yourself. Tomorrow, just say I'm off out for a walk/drive/lunch with a friend see you in a bit, and just go. If he strips the bed, or empties a cupboard, remind him that he is responsible for sorting it out, don't do it for him. Have you considered PND? You do sound in general like you're not coping and there could be a medical reason for that. Speak to your HV or GP, ask for help.

You need to ask your husband for what you need - and I mean specifically. That might just be "I need to go back to bed for 2 hours" please take both the kids out for me.

You are being left holding the baby, literally, because you aren't asking for anything different.

Get some rest. Ask your husband to facilitate it. You might then feel like asking him to cover for you to go out/see friends like you did for him.

Op, is there a reason you're doing your dd with your dh doing your ds?

I'm sorry if I've missed it, but I've seen a few people ask, but why can't you swap?