Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

You sent your 3 year old off out with his dad and you're upset that they stopped off at the park for 30 minutes? Take a step back, you're being ridiculous. Either tiredness or hormones not letting you think straight or you're just being controlling. It sounds like ds needs some time away from his baby sibling anyway. As long as you swap sometimes and DH has dd by himself while you and D's do things then all seems fair. It's not practical or realistic for you all to do everything together as a family all the time. And DD is too young to appreciate the park.

But you don’t “have” to sort it. You are choosing to and then holding it against him.

Leave it where it is and let go of the feeling of needing to put it away. He will either do it or not, but it’s not for you to sort out.

stop picking up all the burdens , let him do his share. If he doesn’t ignore it and remind him if you want.

you are a team AND individuals, you can also go out and have a break from the children, he’s not an idiot stop letting him act like one start building a life for yourself that isnt waiting around for his plans

Will it? All I can see is a future where I do everything, DH does the occasional fun thing and that’s that.

I think what you are upset about is that you need more time away from, and more help with, the baby. But, I'm sorry, that message was very muddled in a long tail of random details about texting and your DS not having lunch and so on. Have you actually said those words to him? "I am really struggling with the baby, my mental health is on the edge, I need you to take both kids more/let me go out with DS tomorrow, because I am losing it"?

If we leave it where it is DS will trash it.

Honestly I HATED that DH had the luxury of a long commute by train on his own every day while I was left with three pre schoolers. I was doing all the shitty jobs. I really do understand why you feel stressed and upset as having toddlers and babies is bloody hard but the examples you have told us, your DH hasn’t done anything wrong UNLESS he doesn’t let you go out and meet friends and doesn’t let you take your toddler to the park when you want to.

Has he expressly asked you to deal with the 11 bags of crap? Can you not agree to sort it together? Looking after a six month old alone for an hour isn’t a particularly shitty job on the scale of shitty jobs. Just say you want to go to the park with toddler tomorrow.

I’m glad that you can see you were in the wrong.

You don’t need each others permission and don’t need to do things as a family all of the time.

Things like the mess in the hallway - he did you a favour by finding the scarf you want and so I would thank him and ask him to put the stuff back or suggest going through it together and taking the stuff you don’t need to the dump.

Perhaps you just need some time alone (or some 1-1 time with DH).
Ask DH to look after the kids and start going out by yourself.
Book a babysitter and have some quality time with DH.

All I’m asking for is a bit of communication. That’s it. I’m not suggesting he doesn’t go to the park or out for a drink. And you know all that stuff about spending one to one time with the older child? I can’t because DD is literally always here which has damaged my relationship with DS. It’s a bit difficult.

Obviously in the minority here but this isn’t how my relationship operates - we always let each other know what we are doing - I thought that was normal? I wouldn’t want DP wondering where I was and vice versa. I can see how this escalated when you’re so tired. I’d just hide this thread and go chat to him, explain you just want to be included in decisions that affect your day …

I can see why people might think on the face of it this fairly innocuous. But the assumption you clear up the hall, stay at home, have the more difficult child would annoy me. Along with a general pattern of him ducking the shit jobs and treating you as default parent ALL the time would majorly annoy me. My husband tried to be a bit like this when our twins were little and it was unfair. I made clear it wasn’t acceptable him disappearing off to have a fresh coffee, big breakfast and chill out. Whilst l was left holding the fort while tired, thirsty and hungry

When l returned to work l made sure we both worked equal hours -he only earns slightly more. He’s peaked pay wise for a while but l haven’t. It’s helped to make sure we both get a share of the good and bad bits. MIL doesn’t like our set up but 🤷‍♀️

I am sorry, I have read your posts and I don't understand either.

Why were you stuck at home with DD? Why didn't you just put her in the buggy and go for a walk?

If you needed to where your DH was why didn't you just call him?

Your DS was with his Dad who is surely capable of getting him some thing for lunch either on the way home or at home?

Is it possible that you are exhausted with the kids so you have a shorter fuse than usual? It sounds like you are struggling a bit. Perhaps leave both kids with your DH tomorrow so you can have some time to yourself

I was being slightly ironic. I don’t think wanting to be kept in the loop is wrong. At the moment if I had somewhere to go I’d go.

OP you need to explain to him much more clearly what kind of support you need from him.
So if you need him to clear up all the crap from the cupboard, tell him. You don't need to sort it yourself. Take a leaf from his book, shove baby in buggy and head out for an hour.
Use your words.
DH thank you for finding the scarf, but now there's a big pile of stuff in the hall. Can you help me sort it/put it away again please?
DH I'm really struggling with all the night wakings and looking after the baby, can you take the baby this morning so I can have a break/take the night wakings at least once a week etc.
Talk to the man! Don't tell him it's ok to stay out if it's really not, and tell him why!

Get your DH to look after DD so that you get one 2 one time with DS

You aren’t wrong OP, but it’s not clear cut. It’s about expectations and communication, and yours don’t match up.

You won’t solve this by attempting to explain your PoV. You’ll solve it by following the same rules as him.

Ignore the heap in the hall.
Take the toddler off for a walk tomorrow and don’t specify when you’ll be back.

You are assuming the mental load is yours, but you don’t actually have to pick it up.

It’s really hard- I had to do it too. Stop being a team and be two autonomous adults. Slowly he’ll see the benefit of cooperation and communication instead of living in the moment.

I get it. DH is like this.

If I was going to go out for an hour I would ask if he was ok to have the kid/kids at the very least. Whereas he will nip out to do a 10 min job and reappear several hours later!

He justifies it that what he does is useful, much like your DH and the park trip. But if he was actually parenting as a team he'd have dropped you a message and asked if you wanted to bring the baby to join them. Like my DH will come in and tell me he's washed my car, but I didn't need him to! He's just enjoyed the alone time.

I would calmly apologise for the row but say in future you expect to work as a team and that means communicating, so if plans change even in a good way, you need at least a text.

Can you go for a coffee? To a friend's? Or just 4 a walk?

Swap with your husband tomorrow and you can be the one to take your 3 year old out. He can stay at home and sort the bags out.

I don't think you're being unreasonable. You're in the thick of it with a baby and a preschooler and you should be working as a team. It sounds like he picks and chooses which bits of parenting he can be arsed with, and all the shitwork defaults to you.

The scarf thing just rubs salt in it tbh -?he wants cookies for his grand gesture of finding the scarf, but you're not allowed to complain about being left with the colossal mess he's made in the process.

He needs to grow up. He isn't a teenage boy who gets praised for cooking a meal while his mum cleans up the kitchen he's trashed. I think you should create some opportunities for him to have both kids and the housework so he can build his skills and develop some appreciation for what is involved in making his family work. Go out and do something that rejuvenates you, have a night or two of unbroken sleep in a hotel/a friend's house and leave him to cope.

It feels like you’re missing your DS? You’ve said the relationship is “damaged”. Did he tell you to go away in the middle of the night. Does he keep wanting Daddy and are you jealous? Is that what’s actually going on?

So next time instead of suggesting DS go with DH to take the buggy, you can say “I’ll take that to the garage and then go and do something fun with DS” and your DH can stay with DD for a bit. Again I do remember it’s shit, I had twins and a toddler, it nearly broke me, but I did ensure DH got stuck at home with the annoying babies sometimes so I could do fun stuff with DS.

@Pinkswans I get it and get what your saying. Its not about taking your DS to the park it's about having a difficult time and your DH not communicating so your not getting that 5 minute download/breathe time especially at the weekend where I am making the assumption your on mat leave and have been dealing with it all week. Your DH is picking the fun bits of parenting/not picking up the slack when you need him to.

I completely get it. But the only way your DH will understand the situation, how difficult it is mentally not knowing when you might get that 5 mins downtime and make attempts to improve communication is if he understands the difficulties it brings.....as petty as that sounds that's tou saying right I'm popping to the shops, leaving both kids with him and also sitting in a cafe having a cup of tea and some you time and ignoring your phone messages of when are you going to be back etc. And not apologising when you come back for being ages.

Then when he's calmed down simply explain you both need to improve communication and that you need some downtime at weekends too, you need him to take the lead on somethings and say we'll why don't I focus on x at weekends and you focus on y.

Working as a team parenting isn't doing everything together it's tag team, tap in and out so each gets a break. At the moment it doesn't sound like your tag teaming

Have you had any time away from the baby yet?

Then it is for your DH to sort. Either way it is his problem.

unfortunately we can make a rod for own back in wanting to prevent things from happening so we do things for our partners (men) and then hold it against them.

what does or doesn’t happen with the bags is on your DH. He has to house manage and parent in his own way otherwise you’ll always need to be involved and it will be eternally draining.

you might do well to suggest he spend a bit more time with baby and you do some fun bonding stuff with DS. Maybe you could take him to visit your DPs tomorrow and he can stay home with baby.