Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

So why didn't you just say "Let's all walk to the garage"? If you are as sharp with DH as you were with @Sunflowerfieldnexttomyhouse , the poor guy was probably glad to get away for a bit, sounds like he can't do right for doing wrong.

I 100% resonate with how you are feeling. I have a 4mo son and for example my husband with ‘do me a favour’ and walk the dog on the weekend. I ask to come, he says no as the baby makes it a ‘military operation’ and he just wants to over and done with. So I basically have to do everything alone or not at all. Then he’ll come back 2 hours later having stopped at his mums and the shops to do his own thing. It’s like he is still his own person but I’m an extension of the baby with no free will and no needs or wants, and he can dip in and out as he pleases. Men have such a low bar and wonder why we are constantly overtired and disappointed.
I get how you are feeling, it’s constant little let downs and lack of communication and care/appreciation for you, and then they are applauded for being ‘such a great dad’ that they even lift a finger. It’s so much harder for mums to raise children physically and emotionally.

Sorry you’re having such a tough time. Please try to be kind to yourself. You are understandable stuck in a negative thought loop so that all suggestions don’t seem viable or will just lead to… but pleas give some of them a try. So try giving DD to DH for a bit. I know you say you couldn’t relax anyway but even a quick walk out (or sit on a bench by yourself) may help. It may not, but at least you’ve tried and you couldn’t feel much worse than you do, right?
I had kids with that same age gap and it can be brutal

" Poor bloke" my arse.
He leaves his wife to juggle a cranky baby at every opportunity, refuses to discuss child related issues, turns his back on her in bed when she needs help, she does all the night wakes, gets up and fails to feed his own child with the cherry on the cake being finding one thing for Op but making 10 times the mess.
The woman then reacts and is labelled crazy, unstable, hard work.
It's actually termed " crazy making" in DA situations where men refuse to do any type of domestic chores/ child care and eventually the woman snaps.
The worst bit though is other women labelling them as failures, hard work, sharp, difficult, telling them to unclench etc

@Wick55 yes my husband goes running with our dog and his other hobby is his allotment. When the kids were small these were both occasionally framed as a wonderful favour to me/benefit for the whole family, which also seemed to give him 3 hours out of the home child free…

I did pull him up and say if he wanted to do me a favour please could he ask as I’d prefer a clean kitchen to a bucket of dirty potatoes to clean, and for him to occasionally give the dog a short local walk not a time consuming trek across the moors which also brought loads of mud in!

He did cut it out pretty quickly when I started saying ‘Oh no if your priority is useful stuff the bathroom’s more important, you do it while the baby naps and I’ll take the big one to the park and grab us some lattes on the way back as a treat for you!’ He was quite clear that didn’t constitute a wonderful favour to him and eventually the penny dropped…

@Pinkswans I’m another one that hears you and understands.

I don’t think your DH is being malicious, but his behaviour is thoughtless. Emptying the cupboard to find one thing and not putting it all back is unhelpful. Ask him to resolve that.

Communication is key here, sadly I think you’re going to have plan, demonstrate and nurture this yourself. Yesterday, in your position, it would have been so much better if DH had suggested you all take stuff to the garage for storage and then detoured via the park. All of you. Hopefully the baby would have slept and DS would have had both of you to himself. Next opportunity, suggest this, plan it if necessary. You need fresh air too and to be able to soak up the pleasures of nature.

Ask DH to clean up the kitchen, whilst you tackle another area. No doubt you’ll be keeping one eye on the baby, but it’s demonstrating team work.

Message your friend(s) and sound them out about meeting for a drink one evening. Get a date in the diary and let DH know. You need time away from the home, it’s essential. Forget all your woes and enjoy being in the company of adults, I’m sure it will help. Don’t let DH stop you. He can and will cope.

I suspect your relationship with DS will improve when you are happier and more content, it’s brutal with a baby, but it will improve and this phase doesn’t last forever (thank goodness) but don’t ignore your needs, that’s important!

I can't help feeling that these children who want their dad which makes mum feel rubbish as she does everything, is the child wanting time with dad. Not that they don't want mum..but dad does fuck all.

I wonder how much of this is due to women making a rod for their own backs though - there's been PPs talking about replicating their DH's behaviour and just announcing they're going to do x, y, z and their DH's being fine with it. Sometimes you need to be assertive and carve out time for yourself, and leave the other parent to learn how to cope when you're not around.

I've seen so many situations where the man wants to be an equal parent at the beginning, but gets sidelined by the mother who takes over the reigns, and then when he does try to step up just gets criticised for not being as good at nappy changing/bottle feeding/settling the baby etc because they've not been given the opportunity to practice. It then becomes a self-perpetuating cycle where the woman martyrs herself and refuses to do anything for herself because 'the babies need me' and then resents her husband for not being a perfect mindreader.

I'm not saying that there isn't a significant male population who are shitheads that will never want to coparent equally, however I do think there's also a substantial number of women who won't allow their husbands to make mistakes and learn on their own rather than hovering around criticising everything they do.

Have you read how well that goes?

Op doesn't seem to know what she wants:

She wants to spend time all together as a family, but she also wants her son to get 1 on 1 time and to repair her relationship with him, but she also doesn't want to have time away from her daughter, but she also wants her husband to take her daughter so she can have a shower, but she also wants her husband to get her son out from under her feet, but she also doesn't want to be 'stuck at home' while that happens even though there is nothing stopping her from doing whatever it is she wants to do, but she doesn't want to go out anyway because she has nowhere to go.

I'm certain the husband is no hero, but it seems very unclear what exactly he should be aiming towards and I doubt the situation will get any better unless op can figure that out herself.

I despair...

Because they genuinely believe that it's the best thing for the baby?

For what it's worth, I don't think the DH did anything wrong, either. As a PP said, the poor bloke can't seem to do anything right for doing wrong.

I really hope that the OP has genuinely left the thread for her sake.

KINDLY?

She has left and deactivated her account (I tried to send her a private message)

What’s unkind about suggesting someone is stressed and anxious? Don’t get it

I get this OP. You just want him to be on the same page as you and whether you admit it or not there's resentment there about him basically living life as he wants but you've got 3 other people to answer to and can't do the same. Gosh I get this.

But at the same time the park thing isn't an issue its a wider issue of him just understanding you need some sort of structure to function atm but given the age of the kids it's not coming anytime soon sorry op but he doesn't need to be abit more considerate maybe and if you can do it op get away for a day / lunch out or something without them all. It'll do you the world of good.

@Nanny0gg Reading through your previous posts I think you just fancy an arguement

That's not surprising. Absolutely shocking though when she posted for support. Some people think this is AIBUnet not mumsnet 🤬

Not in the wrong no, but nor is your dh.

You meant your comment kindly but it’s not helpful when she already knows that she is stressed and anxious. Plus, and again maybe you didn’t really mean this, but whether you meant to or not, you’re implying that she is the cause (responsible) for the baby being fractious when it could be any number of reasons that have nothing to do with the OP. And the suggestion she’s at fault (for the baby’s fractiousness) ignored the point of her OP, which was her distress at having an unsupportive and oblivious partner. There were much worse comments.

Blaming the OP who is down enough already

No. I'm just appalled at some of the responses. This isn't AIBU.
Would people speak to their friends in the same manner if they were as distressed as the OP?

The OP may have left / deleted her account,

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