Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

I don't see any problem at all with DH.
There is always a difficult situation at times with young children. If it is not toilet training it is eating vegetables etc. It doesn't change. How calm you are to your developing kids is what you have power over.Your DH seems more relaxed and easy going and you seem controlling and highly strung.
Do you feel anxious or OTT often?
Noone cares if there is a pile of things in the corner. Can't DH put it all back within the week?

You could have, once you knew DH was at the park, stated how great that was and that you and baby will join them in half an hour or that you should all go to the park again tomorrow.

There is nothing negative at all about DH acting on the spur of the moment with your child for an hour. You don't need to know where he is at all times, within reason. You trust that he can care for DC. while you can surely manage the other DC.

Women. It’s women, not ‘people’, who draw the short straw. It’s so weird, isn’t it?

YANBU

Ideas to try ..
Buy a large playpen. Put baby down in it and ignore her grizzling if she is fed and clean.
Allocate some tasks between you both.
Agree that from 10:00 pm until after breakfast DC1 is the sole responsibility fo DH, every day. You are on call for DC2 only.

Allocate some house hold tasks to your husband and some to you. For example - DH - cleaning the bathroom, bins out, tidying DC1's room and vaccuming each week etc Obviously the adults tidy up after themselves. (pile from under cupboard a clear example)

Can you agree on a night where it most likely is suitable for DH to go out for a drink and on an approx expected time to be home? And also a five hour block every week for yourself to be away from all children. Can you book in a family half day out each week? - church, museum, library, park, cafe etc.
Can you sit and make a few plans like this (and display them on fridge) so that when DH spontaneously does something you can trust that you will still be fine and have your afternoon off etc.

Get better at saying NO when DH phones and asks if it's fine to continue to stay out later if you genuinely are struggling at home.

Steady on @Sunflowerfieldnexttomyhouse . OP is clearly going through a hard time. How about trying to write a constructive reply or not at all

What an unnecessarily cruel comment. How lovely for you that you found 6 months 'a lovely age'- I certainly didn't. And it sounds like OP spends pretty much all her time, day and night, with the baby!

I was in your position a few years ago and can remember the sheer exhaustion I felt being with a very unhappy baby. I used to wait for my husband to get home to hand over the baby and lie on my own for a minute.

What I would say is take a breath before you say anything and consider what it is he could do to make your life easier. For us, he felt he ‘deserved’ a weekend lie in and a coffee🙄 after working all week so we decided he’d still have that but the minute he came down, children were handed over and I used to read my book and have breakfast in bed. I could hear children screaming for me but we kept it up and they learnt to settle. Just an idea. For us it was small changes that made the difference.

This really resonated with me, OP.

My DB was the baby from hell (I'm 10 years older, so remember it well). Unless he was asleep or being held, he would scream the place down. My poor DM was at the very frayed end of her last nerve, and she wasn't having to deal with a 3-year old as well.

In those days, it was the thing to put babies in their prams and out in the garden for an airing. She'd make sure he was fed, changed and warm enough, and out he would go. He would scream and scream, but she knew that he was safe, warm, not hungry and generally just being a pain. She would sit down with a cuppa and chill and listen to music on the radio for a while, then do a bit of uninterrupted housework.

My DF would be in charge of DB on Saturdays (he was bottle fed, which was the norm then). DM would do some leisurely shopping, visit her sister or a friend, get a hair cut, sometimes take me to see a film or just go for a long walk with the dog. She'd basically have a day off. And when we got back, DF would be tearing his hair out and utterly knackered from dealing with the bawling baby.

She often said that she would never have got through that first year if she'd had to deal with DB all day, every day.

I think this is what you need: regular total downtime and your DH to do everything for a few hours. He needs to stop cherrypicking the good bits of parenting.

And keep telling yourself that this will pass. Babies are only babies for a very short time, even though it seems like an eternity when you're in it. Just hang on in there!

The problem is you are picking on things that have happened rather than concentrating on the bigger picture. So if we all have reacted like this so will your OH . You need to sit down and explain properly in general terms, not nagging.And ask him to help you properly . We are not saying you are wrong but you need to look at his point of view of the argument as well.if you went mad because he went to the park he thinks he can do nothing right . If you say I feel a bit trapped can you have the baby for a while while I go for a walk ? Then he might understand.

I can see where you're coming from - he gets to do the fun stuff, and crucially from your perspective he gets to choose when he does the fun stuff, he has the freedom that you don't have. I'd find that frustrating. The resentment can creep in.

The scarf under the stairs, annoying that he pulls everything out like a kid, it probably felt like the straw that broke the camel's back when the house is already messy.

The two incidents you've spoken about, going off to the park unannounced and retrieving your scarf but making a load of mess, makes him sound quite childlike and impulsive

you need to voice your feelings to him, so he knows your frustrations otherwise it's going to fester.

He took the three year old to the park, you’re being massively OTT.

I don’t think there is a pharmaceutical answer to everything but if you were assessed to be affected by a mental health condition and prescribed medication, why would you not take it?!

Jesus wept.

The man is too lazy to feed his own child breakfast, but he takes the MUCH easier child to the playground for 30 minutes and people are lining up to crown him father of the year.

Is she meant to be grateful that he created a massive chore for her by leaving 11 bags of crap in the hall while looking for her scarf?

A classic case of unfinished tasks, a form of weaponised incompetence. Yes he'll get up with the child but he won't feed them or brush their teeth. That can all wait for OP. Yes he'll retrieve a scarf but won't clean up the mess he made doing so. Again, OP can enjoy that chore as well. Or have it all sat in the hallway for the foreseeable.

He gets to say he 'helped' while sending a very clear message that none of this is actually his job- he's like a substitute teacher who takes attendance and throws a movie on. OP will do the actual work of making sure everything gets done.

It means OP's 'breaks' aren't breaks because tasks accumulate while she is off duty and she has more to do overall.

I can't believe people are saying op should relax her standards and chill out- expecting a three year old to have breakfast is hardly asking for the moon.

I think you’re struggling so hard you can’t see how unreasonable you are being, I’d also have assumed pnd , unless you’re normally very difficult.

would you consider stopping breast feeding? She’s 6 months now, and it will ease the pressure on you.

in reality your husband taking your son to the park was lovely, as the little boy is struggling and feeling sidelined, but you can’t see that, or can and don’t overly care, as for you it’s not about your son, or his feelings, its about you and your struggles. Which is just very sad. Same as your husband going out,

you also blame your daughter for the issues, ,she’s going through a difficult phase, as oppposed to I’m struggling to cope right now. A lack of understanding that your unhappiness will impact her behaviour.

something will need to change, I suggest stopping breast feeding and speaking to your health visitor about how you’re feeling

If you read this OP, you are not alone and your kids are at really tricky ages, there are some practical things you can do:

• you’ve never heard a three year old scream go away? Not you mummy? I don’t want you mummy?

• This is very normal for a 3yo grieving his previously only child life. Do not follow his instruction and go away. He is testing you to see if your love is unconditional. Validate his feelings and be with him. “You want me to go away. You don’t want me. You seem upset. It’s ok to feel like that.”

• validate all his feelings about having a sibling. “You don’t always like having a baby sister. It’s not easy to share mummy. Having a baby in the house can be tough.” Bye Bye Baby Brother is a great, validating kids book. He needs his feelings to be a heard and to feel understood

• download the free In Love While Parenting app to address your relationship issues with DS and DH

• use a sling

• avoid using screens when either child is awake

Please stop doing any of it. He knows how to feed and dress them. Leave him to it.

have a lie on the go out for a coffee, book a massage or go for a walk or yoga class or q 2 hr sound mediation where you can just sleep and let him know then turn your phone off.

its Really hard to fight back when your tired but you have to or things will never change

Because this is a good solution. It's hard being the eldest child and everything you do is with the baby and your parents' attentions are mainly on the baby. Even when that baby grows up, you're still doing things suitable for the baby of the family. Your son is upset because he doesn't get 1 to 1 time with you anymore.

would you consider stopping breast feeding? She’s 6 months now, and it will ease the pressure on you

What an awful suggestion. Breastfeeding makes life easier for so many mums, not harder. Not to mention the oxytocin which helps mood, it’s a pain relief for teething babies and when combined with side lying and safe bed sharing is the most restful way to feed and gets everyone more sleep.

But it’s not helping her is it. She’s tied, she said so herself.

why do some women do this, assuming you’re female. Advocate for breastfeeding at all costs?

I found this thread a really sad read; OP is clearly struggling massively and some PPs have been utterly vile

OP, I wanted to PM you but I see that you've deleted your account. Just to say, in case you come back to this thread, I get it.

Your DD sounds very unsettled and I would suggest talking to your HV and/or GP. My oldest was very unsettled as a baby and it turned out he had silent reflux caused by CMPA, I didn't work it out until he was about 9 months old though! (He was breastfed and got much worse when I went back to work and he had the occasional bottle of formula.)

It sounds to me like there is a pattern of your partner not being very supportive or allowing you little breaks throughout the day to regroup, wash etc, which would help you navigate the trickier days with your dd. It also sounds like he hasn’t supported you in a way where you have been able to have quality time with your ds to support your relationship. Finally it seems when he is offering support, like caring for your ds while you sleep, the care is pretty shite, for example not feeding or giving a drink to your ds. I think because of all that you’re probably coming across as very sensitive about a relatively brief outing which was nice for your ds, when it reality it’s not about the one outing it’s about the pattern of behaviour from your partner and how the lack of support wears a person down very quickly.
I think today it would be good to have a really good think about what you need from him and communicate it clearly. It will probably be that that involves being very direct with him over the course of the day. For example, I need a shower, you need to look after the baby. I want to spend some quality time with ds so we’re going to …. while you take the baby for a walk etc. You can also have a think about how you can get some child free time over the next week. Perhaps you could go for lunch or something with friends to fill your cup back up?

I get it OP. sounds simple to me. In a normal time there would be no problem in his actions. Taking ths DS to the park - lovely ! But you have a demanding baby and he needs to be more considerate. You clearly aren't enjoying this stage with her and struggling to spend all day with her. I assume DH knows this and decides to spend time away from the home instead of doing things to make life easier and happier for you ( like not leaving 11 bags of crap In the hallway). My DH would not act like this in your current situation.

I used to take my babies in the bath with me or when they bathed alone, wash my hair over the side of the bath with them in there!
I got 12 months between 2 of mine
If husband is home why not nip off for a bath ?

OP I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult patch. I only had one DC and I found the baby and toddler years really difficult. Hats off to you (and all the other mothers) juggling multiple small children.

Based on your initial post only, your DH hasn't committed any major crimes. He found your missing scarf, but in the process, he dumped a load of bags in the hall. He took your DS out on an errand, but stopped off at the park for about 45 minutes without telling you.

However, from reading your subsequent posts, it appears that these acts are the latest in a long line of incidents where you feel your husband isn't behaving like a team player and isn't communicating well with you. You're very tired and stressed and his actions are making things worse for you, not better. So in the first example, he picked up on an idle comment about a scarf. While he found your scarf, it wasn't a priority for you at that time and he's left a mess for you to clear up. In the second example, he popped out on a brief errand. But instead of coming straight back like you expected, he delayed coming back. Ok, so you could have texted to check where he was, but you didn't know how long he was going to be at that point. And anyway, why should you have to text your husband to find out where he is? A quick text from him along the lines of, "I was going to stop off at the park with DS. Is that ok with you?", would have given you the option of saying, "Yeah, that's ok", or, "Actually, I'm finding DD really hard work today. Would you mind coming straight back". Instead you were left staring at the clock and (no doubt) thinking, "Where the fuck is he now?" and getting more and more frustrated.

It sounds like you're at breaking point and you're harbouring major resentment about your DH and how his life is still the same, and he just comes and goes as he pleases, while yours is so difficult and you're so tied to the DC. If this carries on, that resentment will lead to divorce.

I would really recommend the following

A day away from the DC, to get a break and a bit of perspective. Or even better, a good night's sleep. And repeat this at regular intervals. I get that your DC are very needy right now, but you know that saying about how you can't pour from an empty cup. You'll be a much happier mother if your needs are being met and you'll be better able to cope with the demands of your DC.

A session (or multiple sessions) with a counsellor, to tease out all of this. A good counsellor will help you to work out why your DH's behaviour bothers you so much and could help to come up with some suggestions in terms of how to broach the subject with him, so he really takes in what you're saying, instead of brushing it off. Also, you're carrying a mix of resentment, anger, stress etc. and that's a very toxic mix. Better to release those emotions in a safe environment.

Could you afford to employ a cleaner? I know that's a bit of an MN cliché but your very first post said that your house is a mess. It would be one less source of stress.

Forget about the toilet training for now. You can try again in a month or two. You've too much going on right now.

The bags in the hall are not a priority. Get your DH to sling them back under the stairs and you (or even better, he) can tackle them at a later stage.

It's hard to see it when you're at the coalface of parenting but these tough months and years won't last forever. One day you'll find yourself with a self-sufficient young adult (or in your case, adults) and the times you're living through now will be a distant memory.

Do you have any family or friends nearby who could help? If I lived near you, I'd happily pop in for an hour or two and hold/walk the baby, so you could nap or head out for a coffee or whatever. It's a pity there isn't some kind of befriending service whereby older mothers like me could give a hand to frazzled young mothers. With sympathy and zero judgement.

Some choice comments here from posters telling the OP to go to her GP and get medication.

That's right- women need to be medicated to help them cope with useless partners.

Not that men have to stop acting like idiots.

It's not acceptable for her H to not let her know where he is.
Or to not give breakfast to the son when he gets him up.

OP I am sure you are hurt by the pile-on here where posters are telling you that you are at fault.

Clearly, you are not and your H is an arse.

Sit down and have a serious conversation with him about what you expect.
At the very least it's more support, knowing where his is and maybe you just want to be included in park time etc.

He sounds selfish, lacking in empathy and a waste of space.

@Taytocrisps FGS!

She doesn't need a counsellor to let her know why her H's behaviour 'bothers her so much'.

It bothers me from reading about it.
Do I need counselling to tease out why?

He's completely selfish.
Doesn't lift a finger to help.

Maybe you need counselling to help you see that this behaviour isn't acceptable in a marriage.