Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

Wow he's getting a hard ride by some posters on here, but so have you but its because it hasnt been clear what you need.

Speak to him, tell him your needs.

Better to release those emotions in a safe environment.

Have a medal for the most patronising comment ever.

Maybe she ought to release those emotions at home, in front of him.

You clearly don't get it, do you?

I really understand what you mean about the 6 month old. It's my least favourite time of baby hood. It's relentless and you don't get anything back really. I do think your husband hasn't done anything dramatically wrong. But I also do understand why you are annoyed. I think you feel he gets the easier parenting jobs (pre schooler to park etc). Can you choose a time when you feel calm and just say how you feel. I would strongly suggest a day off the children. And remember it will definitely get better. Having said that, it will be tiring for a good year or 18 months so it is important to work out how you are going to cope.

Sounds like normal family life to me! I know it’s hard but try not to stress too much.Things will get easier when the baby is older.
Could you arrange a little time out for yourself?

I've not read the entire thread but it sounds like OP is maybe feeling a little overwhelmed and under appreciated. Yes it's great DD took DS to the park spontaneously but I thunk it'd be nice if there wad a little planning and DD was also taken, given OP a little well needed break and head space. I think a little increased communication is needed. Men aren't the best at reading between the lines. Draw up a plan. Ask DH.... would you prefer to do these chores or take kids to soft play / park for 3 hours to give me time to do chores and alternate. Then you can have time together ad a family after those 3 hours?

@LillythePinky yes, the OP does know why her DH bothers her so much. But her DH doesn't seem to get it. And lots of other posters are having difficulty getting it. So a counsellor might help her to communicate her issues more effectively. And she would be able to vent her feelings to the counsellor.

For the record, I have attended a counsellor in the past (for different issues) and found it very beneficial. Which is why I'm recommending a counselling service.

It's not normal to me.

My husband and I are a team. He is capable of knowing his own child needs food and drink. He doesn't fuck off for an hour when I am at the end of my rope with a clingy unsettled baby. He doesn't leave me, his exhausted stressed wife, with a hall full of crap to deal with, all the while patting himself on the back thinking he's done me a favour.

If my husband behaved like this (and admittedly he has on rare occasion) he'd be told to pull his head in.

OP has every right to be frustrated and some posters on here have been appallingly harsh to an exhausted mum and should be ashamed of themselves.

Please see your GP, ask for support for your mental health. You're exhausted, wound incredibly tight and generally at the end your tether. It's making you hyper-critical and controlling. We all understand. However, both children will be taking their emotional and psychological cues from you, hence a baby that won't settle and a toddler who tells you to go away. They're just reflecting you. Focus on your own wellbeing, get some support, unclench, and they will chill out too.

Tell DH you're struggling and need help, instead of diagnosing DH as the problem. Start with the GP appointment.

Let go of how you think things should be. Go out if you want to. Leave baby with DH if you want to. If toddler is out with DH, their lunch is not your business. If DH emptied the cupboard, putting it back is not your business. You all need space away from each other, not to be glued together in a miserable family unit.

Find the friends who are great with kids and expand your sense of family. Every person your kids trust and love is an extra set of hands helping you.

So little empathy from so many posters. No wonder @Pinkswans has left the thread. I’m used to seeing the boots for AIBU but not in relationships. So much for the sisterhood. Those who’ve said MN is worse for horrible comments than it used to be have a point going by this thread. Poor woman.

I think you’ve been given a hard time here, OP. Sounds like you’re struggling and need support from your husband.

I disagree with the comments about putting DD in a nursery or palming her off with somebody else “to help” you or give you a break. Have you downloaded the wonder weeks app? While it won’t solve your problems it will certainly help and explain and prewarn you when DD is coming up to a fussy stage.

perhaps write down in a letter how you feel and give it to DH? Explain what you need from him. Tell him how overwhelmed you are and that you’re drowning… they’re his kids as mush as yours and he needs to help more even if it’s with the cleaning, tidying etc.
could you look at getting a cleaner if you could afford it?

if your DD hates being put down could you baby wear? That way you could do activities with your son whilst being able to carry dd.

I hope you’re okay. It’s tough.

Also, I can’t believe people are blaming you and feeling sorry for your husband who cannot even provide his own son with breakfast or a drink. That’s pure laziness and selfish.

The little boy is feeling sidelined and struggling. How exactly would taking the daughter to the park help here, the little boy matters too.

I agree. I think the way you are describing your life and your feelings towards both your children and your DH indicates that you may need to get some support from your GP. Could you contact them tomorrow to make an appointment?

My god!

When did MN become so nasty? OP is clearly struggling at the moment. She came here to ask advice and vent and got a lot of judgement instead.
Having a tricky baby can feel enormously isolating. You also feel like a crap mum because whatever you do doesn’t settle them and all you want is a supportive partner. From experience myself and friends and many threads on here there are a LOT of partners that just aren’t interested in the hard stuff and love to default the mother as parent for those bits and only do the easier/fun stuff.
That makes the feelings of isolation bubble to resentment. It easy to see from the first post.
In no world is it ok for someone to empty the contents of a cupboard to look for a scald and just leave said contents in the hall. Any poster that says that’s ok is lying or a doormat.
Just unilaterally deciding to bugger off with zero communication is also not ok. Something I had to learn when I started my relationship with my husband. It was a learning curve but once we had kids I finally understood why he liked me to communicate where I was and not disappear for hours. It’s about being a partnership.
Unfortunately partnerships do struggle when children arrive and it can take time to figure out your roles. From the posts it sounds like OP’s DH has designated her as default parent without consultation and as her DD has become tricky she’d like to renegotiate terms.
I really hope those that were so negative and frankly unkind could take a bit of reflection and please God don’t speak to any more mums trying to cope with small babies as you are the absolute opposite of what they need. I also wonder if you’d be so uncaring in real life?
@Pinkswans I hope things turn a corner soon. Reading you post I remember those feelings well. It does get better I promise. You aren’t a bad mum or awful person. You are human and refreshingly honest and I think this post will help other parents who are struggling realise they aren’t alone, as long as they ignore the nasty comments and focus on the supportive ones.
I think the thing hurting you most right now is your concern that your relationship with your son is being ruined. It isn’t, we had the same reactions from our eldest, we are very close, it didn’t damage her. Take care xxx

I think this is a very accurate description about why OP is likely unhappy, and demonstrates the deep inequality men and women often face when they have children.

Women are the default, expected to be at home parent. They have to opt out when they want to do something for themselves, and even then it's made difficult by others (feigned incompetence, abuse, abject refusal of partner to facilitate, etc).

Whereas men get to opt in when they 'decide' to do something family-related. They don't think their lives should change much.

Not all men. Of course. But it does seem to be the default for so many it's depressing.

That's so sad that you left the thread and have probably deleted your account.

If not one last thing. When ds1 was constantly crying I wore earplugs and went to bed leaving him with dh. Baby won't die but you would get an hour or so and dh may appreciate you more? You can put earbuds in and rain sounds etc too.

I hope dh listens to you. He sounds frustrating. ❤️💐

Since mnhq has allowed mras and incels a free rein. I would NEVER use this site for support these days. Cesspit of loser men sadly.

OP, this morning I would hand the baby to your DH, even if the baby is howling, and take your 3 year old out to do something.

You need to start rebuilding someone one on one time with him, and your DH needs to support this, even if he doesn't want to.

Tell him you're going to the park for an our. Stay out for 2. Take your son to a cafe for a treat. Don't text.

Let your DH have a miserable hour or two alone with the baby. Let him grump at you for being gone longer than you said. Maybe it will make him realise what you're experiencing ... and calmly point this out. And tell him you need some alone time with your son every week, too, and it's his job to facilitate it.

I feel for you. I struggled when my kids were young. Both were clingy and I counted down the hours for my husband to get home from work. He’d walk in the door and I’d hand him the youngest straight away.

make a schedule with your husband about what might he is responsible for night wakings and give both of yourselves a 2-3 hour time slot to have time for yourself. Go out for a walk, coffee, movie etc to recharge.

This phase won’t last forever, communicate with your husband strategies to help you get through it with less grey hairs.

I agree with this and your previous post.

I must be a massive cling-on because my DH and I text each other if we’re going to be longer than we said we’d be. It’s just good manners.

OP...maybe you need to do what your DH is doing? Tomorrow just let him know you're taking the LO for a walk and then on the way home, stop off for a quick coffee. Text him and let him know you'll be back in 30 mins.

You honestly don't need permission from each other to parent your kids in this way. Likewise with the 11 bags of stuff under the stairs, ask him if he'll go through half of them and help you create ditch/recycle/keep heaps.

It sounds as though he's trying to be a responsible dad but maybe you need to use your words to tell him what you need rather than get annoyed when he doesn't do the thing that he doesn't know he was supposed to do?

It's tough when you feel really overwhelmed by all of life's stuff but it won't be this way forever. Your words have power - ask for what you need.

Try a baby bouncer that hangs from doorways. My kids loved those and it will allow her to move.

I think the examples you gave on their own are innocent and tiny, but it’s obviously just a snapshot of the bigger picture where you are overwhelmed and need a break. Things need to change.

On the face if it you sent dh with the pram to occupy ds as he was whinging. He just carried in entertaining him at the park which by itself was no bad thing, but it became a bad thing because of how you are feeling in general.

I think you need a break. If telling dh that you need a more equal distribution isn’t working and leading to arguments, then you need to spell it out differently so that he gets it! Perhaps a sit down chat when you are both calm, where you explain that you need to love bomb ds to repair your relationship and improve his behaviour, which means he needs to step up with dd. Ask for the same “time off” for yourself. He went out drinking. That’s fine but you also need the same. One lie in each at the weekend. Put out cereal in a bowl the night before both nights, so 3 year old ds can eat it dry if necessary. Leave water out in his cup, then both of you can have it a bit easier when it’s your turn on duty and you are tired. Minimal effort needed for an hour or two with the tv on.

As a last resort I’d just say that you need a break for a few hours and go out leaving him to it. Or cry and and say you can’t cope. That might make him listen. Ask for help from family. It’s not a weakness to show vulnerability. Ask for help from the health visitor. Are you sure you don’t have pnd? It sounds as if you might have. Worth exploring?

OP is clearly struggling..sometimes mums need to come first for the longer benefit of the children