Horrible row with DH, and I don’t know how to move forwards.

[Pinkswans]

DH and I have a three year old and a six month old. The six month old is going through a challenging sort of period where she seems desperate to be on the move but isn’t quite there yet - lots of hair grabbing and grabbing skin on your neck and twisting and squirming. It isn’t her fault but in all honesty spending time with her isn’t particularly enjoyable. The three year old is easier in many ways but is sidelined because the baby is so demanding and he reacts to this.

I have been struggling with DH lately because things feel a bit chaotic. The house is a mess, it feels like we’re treading water.

So to give some context here, we were looking through some photos the other day and I saw a scarf I was wearing and said something like ‘wonder what happened to that.’ DH said it was under the stairs and I said pretty jovially that if he found it he’d get some brownie points. He then completely emptied under the stairs, bringing me the most random stuff - he found the scarf but there are now eleven bags of crap in the corner of the hall. We also unearthed DS’s old pushchair which he doesn’t go in now. This morning, DS was in a silly mood so I suggested he go with DH to put the pushchair in the garage (DH rents a garage in the village) it should have been a ten minute trip at most. Forty five minutes go by and meanwhile I’m dealing with a fussy, irritable baby and I get a photo from DH - he was on the park with DS.

it isn’t that I have an issue with them going to the park: of course I don’t. But what really upset me was the way it’s just assumed he can do what he wants when he wants. We’ve had weeks of this and I got really upset. I feel we aren’t parenting as a team at all, if I try to talk to him about a worry or issue with one of the children he gives me the brush off, anything ‘important’ like potty training and weaning are left to me (and both are going badly!)

The problem is I don’t know how to address it. When I try to talk to him he just gets defensive so how?

@ClaudiasWinkleMan Totally agree with you.

@Pinkswans
Please talk to your GP. You need some help to get through this horrible time.
It will pass but you can’t do it on your own. Hugs xxx

@dontgetinvolvedsausages

"Likewise with the 11 bags of stuff under the stairs, ask him if he'll go through half of them and help you create ditch/recycle/keep heaps."

This is the problem. According to you and PPs:

OP should ASK him IF he'll go through HALF of the bags and HELP OP etc etc etc.

It's HIS fucking mess! He made this mess and left it. Why should he need to be asked? Asked IF (so he has the luxury of deciding if he fancies cleaning a mess)? He'll do just HALF in order to HELP OP with.... HIS fucking mess.

Fuck me. The bar is on the floor for men.

OP's whole frustration is that she is the default caregiver and house cleaner and mental load barer.

He's a grown man. He made a mess. He needs to sort it. Without being asked. Not under the guise of 'helping'. And he needs to tidy the whole fucking thing and not expect a medal for doing so.

OP should not have had to turn her mind for one second to this problem that DH created and could have easily solved himself.

Your solution is just more problem.

It sounds like the op has PND.
She needs help.

OP, you sound overwhelmed. Parenting is hard. Especially when they are really small. The only thing that happens is you take the stress out on each other.

It sounds like you need a bit of help. Is there anyone who can help you out a bit like your parents or in-laws? You could do with a break, and/ or a bit of a de-clutter. I am a bit of a neat freak and I know that I cannot deal with anything if the place is a mess or I am not organised.

I don't think your DH is awful for going to the park. I was expecting you to say he'd gone the pub or something. You both need to sit down calmly and see how you can BOTH share this demanding time when baby is not mobile and you end up having your face clawed/ earrings dragged out/ cups of tea upended over you etc. etc.

You've complained about your sidelined 3yo, then complain when he gets 1:1 time with a parent? Bit weird.

I get that you're feeling irritated with, and not enjoying your 6mo at the moment, but I don't think your DH has committed crime of the century here.

As an aside, 6mo isn't so precious that they can't hear "NO!" said firmly when they pinch and twist. Or to be uncermoniously put down.

I'm so disappointed to read that people think it's the OP's fault for not eg telling her DH to clean up a mess he's created in the hallway.

She's not HIS mother! She's already having to be primary parent to two tricky kids at two differently difficult ages.

I would be angry if my partner left the hallway a mess and then went out to do something fun even without kids involved. If I was deep in the hardest bits of parenting at the same time I think I would properly lose it.

She feels like she is having to be both manager and skivvy of the household. Both the one who apparently has to tell him to do things that any basically responsible adult should know to do without being told, and the one who gets the short straw when it comes to the most difficult parts of parenting. It's not ok.

I completely agree with others who have said that it's clear that he feels that his time is his own except if he chooses to dip into parenting. That lack of responsibility is in direct relationship with the fact that she feels the exact opposite.

He knows that whatever he drops she will catch. She knows that whatever she drops will hit the floor and shatter. That is a very unbalanced and stressful position to be.

@zingally op has gone and probably deleted her account. Enough!

Could you try craniotherapy for dd? I know its not what youve posted about, but your dd seems to be crying an awful lot and ive heard miracle stories of restless babies becoming good sleepers after minor adjustments.

Do try and talk to dh about what your expectations are and what support you need - he can say his too and hopefully you can find a compromise together

@Allfortheloveofabiscuit I agree. Was a miracle for ds2. But I think op has gone. Too much toxicity.

When you should realise that your wife is on her knees then it's just common courtesy!

You don't need to know their every movement but if you're hoping that there'll be another adult around at some point it does make a difference.

You say you can't just go out with toddler ?
Why can't your husband have the baby?

I don't know whether or not to blame our education system for the lack of comprehension skills on this thread,

Or whether people are thinking this is AIBU not Relationships

Or whether they're just plain nasty.

I hope today is a better day today op.

ive read all your posts and I think you and DH just have different ways of looking at things, he’s trying to help by taking ds but you’re trying to get him to help by doing this tag team approach which he obviously doesn’t want to do, that may be why he’s disappearing out with toddler.

In fairness to him, if you want this tag team arrangement of 10 mins on 10 mins off etc, it really isn’t allowing any time for yourselves or your toddler at all because you will both be constantly with the baby or swapping over, or busy doing the things you’re not getting to do now because you don’t have time, it’s not a sustainable solution, you sound like you need more time away from the baby as you say you’re coping but you just aren’t and personally I think it’s clouding your judgement, it’s not a reflection on you at all, but it’s hard when your in the thick of it to see things from others points of view.

i really think you need to let DH take the baby for chunks of time so you can do what you need to do and spend some much needed time with your toddler.

you need a breather, you don’t have to do it all.

Read the posts where she talks about what he actually does.

He's struggling to reach even Disney Dad level

ODFOD

Why didn't you read her posts.

@Pinkswans I can't believe how frustrating this thread must be for you.

Can you ignore the ones that haven't read your posts?

Clinginess is not caused by breastfeeding, it’s a developmentally normal phenomenon which shows secure attachment. Breastfeeding is an incredible tool for soothing an unsettled baby.

Why do some people do this - advocate to stop breastfeeding, the biological norm, as a means to somehow ‘solve’ a young baby’s ‘problem’ behaviour. The OP was not seeking views on her feeding choices.

I won’t derail the thread further in case poor OP comes back. Ignore all the horrible people here OP. Your feelings are valid and it sounds like you’re having a seriously tough time.

You must have quoted the wrong person because your response to my comment makes no sense

He didn't vanish? You told him to go out to the storage place

I don't know if you're still reading OP, but just wanted to send solidarity and understanding. I have 3 year old and a 7 month old, and the first 5 months or so with 2 were very trying in ways I didn't expect. Particularly the his child/my child dynamic that developed (husband looking after 3 year old, me looking after breastfed baby). That partially naturally resolved (breastfeeding spaced out a bit more) and partially I had to kind of push it, as I felt my relationship with 3 year old was suffering. I remember my husband taking 3 year old out all day to give me peace and quiet and to treat him when he was feeling sidelined, and I was equal parts grateful, resentful, and lonely. Breastfeeding can be hard and lonely work. Like you, I just wanted family time, but a first I couldn't make that work with a baby that just wanted to lay down attached to a boob all day, and a 3 year old that just wanted to run and shout for hours. But again, this has naturally resolved in time, and family time is now possible.

No advice as such, but you're not alone in your experience, and it will get better. You might have to push for a bit of 121 time with your 3 year old, and I promise he still loves you. I ended up taking mine to the arcades for an hour, even though I hated it - made me much more popular with him though!

However, both children will be taking their emotional and psychological cues from you, hence a baby that won't settle and a toddler who tells you to go away. They're just reflecting you. Focus on your own wellbeing, get some support, unclench, and they will chill out too.

Terrible advice @Stravaig
Did you have children a while ago?
Both DC are showing age and development appropriate behaviour here.
Developmentally the 3 year old now knows he's separate from his mother, parental favouritism is him flexing his choices, often happens when a new baby or other changes take place.
It will pass and probably Op will be " in" again soon
6 month old is likely teething and clingy.
Cringing that you are telling Op to unclench when
Her bloody husband turns his back on her in bed rather than help.
Shameful

OP, kindly but you sound stressed and anxious and that could be making the baby fractious x

@zingally try to be a little bit more constructive and compassionate. Please try and refrain from posting if you are unable to do so. OP is clearly struggling, overwhelmed and tired.

@Nanny0gg shall we get these? 🤣

The little boy needs 1 to 1 time with his parents. It's not fair on him if his baby sister has to go everywhere with him. It will be good if OP takes the boy to the park whilst her DP stays home with the baby. However, OP doesn't want to do this.