Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

@GingerIsBest – thank you, they were exactly my thoughts too – that things will either continue to be improved or will slip back to old habits. And if they slip back to old habits then I’ll know that’s a pattern that will happen indefinitely and I have to accept that I gave it every opportunity but the relationship doesn’t work. I also agree that I can’t be hypervigilant forever but I'm hoping that I’ll be more aware now of the obvious things that I shouldn’t tolerate – silent treatments, rages, lack of alone time, not being able to express my feelings or opinions without feeling like I’m shut down etc.

As I mentioned in my last post there were definitely some positives last week with their being a lot less tension, no shouting, no silent treatments, went for a walk alone etc. But I know there’s definitely more to keep doing on my part too to get boundaries in place that should have been there from the outset – as you said, being able to spontaneously go for a walk or early to bed for example. I’ve got a feeling that the spontaneous element (not giving advanced notice of my plans) will be more tricky – but I guess I’ll find out when I start doing it! I am also mindful that last week was a quieter week than normal and we had a bit more time together – whereas this week I’ve got a couple of late nights at work and time with niece & nephew too so how things go this week may be a much more meaningful insight.

I have noticed that when I’m working from home rather than the office DP is terrible for interrupting me very regularly, even when I’ve had the door closed, so that’s something else that I think I need to be a bit firmer on as I do find it makes it much harder to concentrate and get my work done.

@SuffolkUnicorn – with the “you can’t do anything right” comment, he said it in a jokey way I think in recognition that he was unfairly blaming for walking into him. At least that’s how I took it at the time!

@decionsdecisions62 – We were having a particularly bad time when I started this thread and I’d say at that point some form of outburst or upset with DP was pretty much a daily occurrence and there’s no doubt that I was reaching the end of my ability to cope with it. Going forward I know that I shouldn’t have to cope with it so definitely won’t put up with it being a daily occurrence again. It’ll be interesting to see how this “better spell” pans out.

@OneMerryRedSnail – Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I’m 4 years in now too, but the silent treatments etc. weren’t always there to be fair. I've definitely learnt a lot from this thread and not to keep putting up with things though. I hope you’re happy and doing well now.

we took his Mum's dog for a walk and she stopped abruptly so I ended up walking into DP by accident - his first response was “careful!” – but when I turned and looked at him as if to say “how is that my fault” he laughed and said “you can’t do anything right can you”. Which I thought was an interesting observation on his part!

Gobsmacked you’re still in this, to be honest. You’re so, so forgiving of some really abusive behaviour.

@Suchagroovyguy - I think I badly worded my previous post… DP wasn’t saying that I can’t do anything right in a nasty way, it was more in a joking way acknowledging that he’d told me to be careful over something that wasn’t remotely my fault. I did find it interesting that he said it all the same as there’s definitely been other times where I genuinely feel like I can’t do right by him. I wondered if he’s almost aware of it.

The last week has been much calmer and no “issues” that I can think of - I think honestly if things had carried on as they were I wouldn’t still be in it as I felt like I was at my breaking point last weekend. I’ve told him that things have to change and I do mean it… so I guess now it’s seeing whether they do change or not on a long term basis.

Of course he said it in a jokey way. That's called plausible deniability.

Your post reminded me of the following: I always found myself walking about 6 steps behind Ex. Even if I caught up momentarily, he'd get ahead again. When I got together with Lovely Man after my divorce, I could hardly believe it - he slowed down to my pace

@baffleddays

I have noticed that when I’m working from home rather than the office DP is terrible for interrupting me very regularly, even when I’ve had the door closed, so that’s something else that I think I need to be a bit firmer on as I do find it makes it much harder to concentrate and get my work done.

You really shouldn't need to do this, but consider reinforcing your closed door with a sign saying some like "I am working - please do not disturb!" 🌹

I get the jokey comment - he said it with a touch of self-awareness?

@DancesWithDucks - I get the jokey comment – he said it with a touch of self-awareness
I’ve been struggling to explain it but yes that’s a good way to describe it, thank you! There have been times in the past where DP has said things in a jokey way but they still felt like they were a criticism - so I can understand the plausible deniability point mentioned by @MysteriousInspector - for example there was a time when I was trying to fix something and he “joked” by saying “manual tasks aren’t your strength are they”. It’s true that I’m not great at manual tasks and “joke” or not his comment felt harsh (and I told him so). Whereas on this occasion his comment that “you can’t do anything right can you” felt more like an observation of himself and acknowledgement that he was being overly critical – rather than it being directed at me. I totally appreciate it comes down to interpretation in the moment though so is a grey area!

@Newestname002 - thank you, I’m hoping if I explain to him that interrupting means me working later to catch up he’ll start to bear it in mind… but failing that I’ll definitely think about your suggestion too!

Of course, you shouldn't need a strategy to get him to stop interrupting. For most of us, its a casual "babe, I really need to focus, can we talk later". This not only makes them leave but makes them think twice next time.

@GingerIsBest - Absolutely, I think there are things which I should have had better boundaries on from the outset and it feels like I’m just now actively starting to pay attention to. But I think you’re right that once I have raised about not interrupting me it should be something that I then don’t have to keep repeating myself on. I’m very grateful for this thread as a place to sense check “normality”.

and he “joked” by saying “manual tasks aren’t your strength are they”.

that's the sort of comment that puts you down. It's destructive criticism.

From what you say, you can't do anything right can youin the way he said it, was more criticism of himself.

Which is well overdue.

You don't need to 'cope' with the silent treatment. Just leave him already.

People who behave like this are never worth it.

Thanks everybody 💐I guess time will tell whether there can be sustained improvement but either way I'm glad to have this time to get my thoughts together and understand more clearly what's okay and what's not.

I think the support of this thread and the break from the chaos (all is still calm here at the moment) has really allowed me to look back and realise just how bad things had become. I'm also starting to understand how I let it get to that place... it crept up so gradually that it's less obviously abnormal, I was tired so will do things to avoid the fight, I became very good at justifying things or blaming myself. I've been reflecting on some of justifcations I've made over the last year or so, things like:
Maybe I am picking up on small things that I should just be letting go, or trying to talk too often (and that's why he's frustrated / annoyed with for me bringing it up)
Maybe I am being too sensitive to anger (and so maybe his reactions are normal and I'm just being too sensitive)
Maybe I am in the wrong to work late a lot and not give the relationship enough quality time... (and that's why it was okay for him to show disappointment / frustration when I was working late)
Maybe he's just stressed and finding my niece or nephew difficult (and maybe that's why it's okay for him to have walked off during a day out)...

I can see now though that even* if *I was doing all of those things "wrong", that doesn't make sulking, shouting ,slamming doors, banging furniture etc. okay - we still need to be able to communicate respectfully as adults. And if he's feeling stressed he needs to be able to handle that himself and not make that other people's problem.

At the moment things are still calm and improved here - no sulks, no anger, and there seems to be some level of reflection going on on his part as he even passed a comment about the cat this week and how he wonders if the reason she stays away from him is because she's scared of him from the shouting. It'll be interesting to see if the improvement can be sustained during a conflict though as that's normally when things are most likely to go wrong.

I've also been thinking about a couple of smaller things I've noticed which I'm not sure whether are weird or whether I'm overthinking so would be great to get some views on...

Sometimes when I speak DP doesn't acknowledge that I've spoken... no verbal response, no looking up etc. I think it may be when he's thinking about something else or feeling a bit stressed but not always, and even then I find it strange that he wouldn't acknowledge that I've spoken. For example, we were looking after his Mum's dog, he was stroking her, I passed comment that she looked tired and was met with silence... On that particular occasion I actually asked him if he'd heard me and he confirmed that he had so I think he's just choosing not to respond? Is that something that I'm just not used to personally or would others find that strange too?

The other one... DP seems to regularly ask me to do small things round the house that are not unreasonable (e.g. he may ask me to pass him his coat) but he may ask me at a time when he's just as near to the coat cupboard as I am. Or he may ask me to do something for him while I'm already in the middle of doing something else (like we're both cooking but then he asks me to go and get something from the cupboard). I'd feel a bit rude to not help as the asks themselves aren't unreasonable but I've started to notice it's quite regular and something he could have just as easily done himself... so starting to wonder if this is something I should push back on more.

At the moment things are still calm and improved here - no sulks, no anger, and there seems to be some level of reflection going on on his part as he even passed a comment about the cat this week and how he wonders if the reason she stays away from him is because she's scared of him from the shouting. It'll be interesting to see if the improvement can be sustained during a conflict though as that's normally when things are most likely to go wrong.

Honestly, I would say that no, it's not sustainable unless he is willing to do the necessary work. So it's all very well him being vaguely aware that his behaviour isn't okay, but what is he going to do to change the behaviour. Just being aware of it is unlikely to be enough.

The not acknowledging you is just another form of control. It's a win win for him - he doesn't have to engage or talk to you and if you get cross or irritated he gets to be the victim who is always being attacked.

The small chores just sounds like someone who always wants other people to do everything for him, even when it's just something as small as pick up his coat. Very childlike behaviour, again.

It really, really sounds now, that he is making sure you still know who's boss. HIM. Asking you do these little jobs when you're busy, or it's just as easy for him to do them, is him keeping the pecking order in place, with him top.

Agree with pp that not acknowledging you've spoken is yet another form of control and mindfuckery you'll have to micromanage and be hypervigilent over.

Exhausting.

Thanks @GingerIsBest and @MissHarrietBede - I really appreciate your thoughts. I feel like I'm gradually finding my feet and starting to see things more clearly but there's some areas where it's still very helpful to have that external sense check!

It hadn’t occurred to me that the not acknowledging I’d spoken could be a form of control - I just started to feel like it was quite rude and disrespectful. I certainly wouldn’t do it to anybody else, it feels like being ignored. But with not having asked him a direct question I had some doubts whether it’s normal to other people to not respond to every sentence said to them.

At least I’ve started to recognise that it’s not okay I guess, even if it does feel a bit depressing to keep finding more issues.

It’s a good point you've made about having to physically do something to make the changes more long-term too... he's started engaging in some habits that are good for reducing stress (like going out for runs again and getting more sleep) - but in terms of deeper work on communication, stress management, therapy etc... I'm not aware he's doing any of that.

The little tasks thing is annoying but expecting him to say something every time you speak if you're just commenting and to pass a constant stream of "yup" "uh huh" and other such banal comments seems unnecessary. maybe he didn't think the dog looked tired but wasn't interested enough in how tired the dog looked to want to discuss it, maybe he was thinking about something else. I think it's rude not to respond if you're asking for his opinion on something or asking him a question, but some people do prattle on about nonsense and I'd find it tiring to be expected to go "uh huh" or "mm" all the time.

Thanks @2rebecca - it’s really helpful to have that perspective too. From memory I can’t think of times when he hasn’t answered if asked a direct question.

OP, I've only read your posts, but he sounds absolutely exhausting to be with.

Controlling, jealous, passive aggressive, aggressive aggressive, needy, victimhood.

You seem to spend your entire time tip-toeing round him, walking on eggshells and second guessing his moods. Regardless if there has been an improvement, I think you would be so much happier if you just called time on this. Yes, he may improve for a bit, but so much of his behaviour sounds ingrained, it is only going to be a matter of time until he slips back and you will be back to over analysing everything trying to understand whatever he has said or done this time - life doesn't need to be this difficult.

OP, your original post was about dealing with the silent treatment. I’m not suggesting you close this thread down now, but do you feel there has been a resolution? Or an explanation? Were you looking for one or the other?

All your responses to posts on here sound so polite and accommodating and you sound like you’re spending a lot of time analysing everything within your relationship, and darling OP, things aren’t meant to be this difficult. Sure, relationships can get complex, but it sounds like an awful lot of thinking and potential overthinking is taking place and for who’s benefit?

I don’t know what your end goal is, whether you’ve set yourself a ‘I want to feel loved, secure, safe, seen and appreciated’ consistently by X time, because otherwise, what are you measuring all this by? No-one sounds happy. Go live your life with someone who will appreciate you.

I agree. If my husband doesn't say something when I make a random comment I don't feel offended because I know he loves me and it was just a random comment. We have no sulking or egg shell tiptoeing though and can easily talk to each other. I never have to worry about what sort of mood he's in before I speak. It doesn't sound as though he enhances your life and it doesn't sound as though you emotionally connect in any way

Thanks all - you’re right that this thread has gone very off piste now from where it started! So I really appreciate people taking the time to read all my posts and bear with me.

I think for the original query re the silent treatment I have got the resolution, as I was looking for ways to handle it - and I know now that I don’t need to as I shouldn’t be tolerating it at all.

Since that point I think I’ve been using the thread as a place to keep processing my thoughts and get some external sense checks to help with that, but can see that I am falling into the trap of overthinking - I think out of fear of being blind to something I shouldn’t be tolerating again but I need to get back focused on myself and the bigger picture.

I have been working on goals in the background too; mostly so far things around wanting my life and relationships to be calm, loving and peaceful. Ive mentally committed that I won’t leave 2024 in this mess but equally I’m hoping not to take 10 months to get sorted! I have been added this week on to a waiting list for NHS counselling too so hopefully that will help with processing everything and understanding why I’ve been / am so reluctant to leave the relationship in the face of a lot of evidence that leaving would be the sensible choice.

Thank you for nudging me back onto the right track and for all of the support I’ve had over the last couple of weeks 💐

I've seen many threads like this over the years - women reporting abusive behaviour from men, but not realising fully what's going on. Because it messes with your head. Many of those threads led to the women coming to a realisation that this is a known pattern, and taking steps to deal with it. Which can take some time.

I was one such woman. And yes, mine used to not reply to me, not even to direct questions sometimes - stonewalling, a form of abuse.

I hope you will continue to post,and I hope any updates and replies will srengthen your resolve to aim for an equal, peaceful relationship, or to leave if your current situation falls short of your wants and needs.

I think the not answering you is designed to throw you off kilter and make you anxious and therefore more controllable, given the dynamics of his other behaviours towards you.

This in spades, relationships shouldn't be this hard, this is exhausting to read never mind to live. You deserve so much better than this, you deserve mental peace, you deserve respect and a partner, emphasis on the partner part, who makes you happy. None of what you describe sounds like contentment which should be the very least of what your life should be. You need to end this, it is sad when relationships end but you need to be kinder to yourself.

Hmmm one of your recent posts worries me. Going to pick it apart, if you don't mind

Maybe I am picking up on small things that I should just be letting go, or trying to talk too often (and that's why he's frustrated / annoyed with for me bringing it up)

Rule of thumb for me - if something small annoys me once, let it go. If it annoys me three times, mention it.

trying to talk too often .... for fucks sake. You're entitled to talk. There's a sense of proportion needed ofc, floods of words when someone's trying to work is the wrong time, but you're allowed to talk, @baffleddays . It's literally good to talk - the small chit chat is part of what holds most people together, the 'grooming talk' (grooming as in maintaining things). You don't come across as someone who chats away relentlessly and inappropriately.

Not responding to you is a way of training you to keep quiet, actually. My ex-H did it.

Maybe I am being too sensitive to anger (and so maybe his reactions are normal and I'm just being too sensitive)

when you're asking yourself that, something is deeply wrong. If it's a pattern that arises in several relationships, the problem is you. When the problem is only in one relationship - it's not. How are you with anger with your parents, friends, work colleagues, previous relationships? If this question has only just surfaced here - it's not you.

Maybe I am in the wrong to work late a lot and not give the relationship enough quality time... (and that's why it was okay for him to show disappointment / frustration when I was working late)

So when you talk, you talk too much but when you're not there you're also in the wrong? That must have been pleasant for you - getting home to a bad atmosphere.

Maybe he's just stressed and finding my niece or nephew difficult (and maybe that's why it's okay for him to have walked off during a day out)

This is an excuse. My kids' stepfather, when they were being annoying, stayed with us and actually quietly got involved, changing the conversation to something they like or suggesting they do something together like run over the grass and play tag, now and then telling them to cool it. Becuase he's taken the time to establish a rapport with them and show interest in them, when he says "enough", they listen ... well, usually :)

DP seems to regularly ask me to do small things round the house that are not unreasonable (e.g. he may ask me to pass him his coat) but he may ask me at a time when he's just as near to the coat cupboard as I am.

This to me is a giant red flag. He's getting you to do the running around for him. He's setting you up to be the one who is subordinate. He is responsible for himself but he's getting you to do stuff for him that he himself should be doing. Once is fine, three times is fine, but when it's a consistent pattern it's not.

He's getting you to run around after him, do his stuff for him, not disturb him, not get involved with your niece/nephew but throw wobblies about them, you can't talk too much to him, needy, and most of all, passive-aggressive and stonewalls you.

This is a man who's on a control freak run, and most of his actions are geared (possibly unconsciously) to setting the situation up where he is fundamentally in control of your life, and then to keep picking at you when he is.

Did he have a difficult childhood / difficult parents who didn't listen to him or respect his choices as a child? It's not always the case, but imo passive aggressiveness tends to take root when children are not listened to and become resentful.

From what you have said he's trying a bit to change but the indicators that you've written here are signs that this behaviour is extremely deeply rooted in him. Passive agressiveness works for the individual, on the whole. It doesn't work for anyone else, but it does for the individual.

Miracles can happen, people very occasionally do change and choose better ways of behaving, but from the outside it's unlikely to happen here. Not impossible mind you. But it will be extremely hard for you to keep alert for backsliding, and the pattern between you is deeply set now.