Coping with Silent Treatment

[baffleddays]

When DP and I have a disagreement he often gets annoyed and shuts down the conversation, by refusing to talk, physically leaving the house, going to sleep etc. If he does leave when he returns he'll often be distant with me, give one word answers, stare at his phone etc. He says he just doesn't want to have to always talk things out, but I feel like I'm getting the silent treatment.

The problem is - I really struggle with the silent treatment. It feels so uncomfortable that often I end up being the one trying to offer olive branches, smooth things over etc. (even if I was the one raising a grievance at the start of it all) just to get the awkwardness to go away. If I do try to tolerate it rather than caving into it it still consumes my thoughts, stops me being able to concentrate on work etc. I often end up replaying the conversation in my mind and trying to work out how it all unravelled.

My worry is that I think I need to be able to tolerate the silence better to avoid the risk of it being used against me... so I was wondering if anybody has any good tips or suggestions?

I definitely think one of the boundaries that I need to set with DP is letting him know that I need more time to myself.

Well, your need to get some downtime can actually work quite well here as a test of how he acts when you say "no". Something you often see on here as a tip to see clearly if someone is controlling.

Don't make a big deal of it but just say casually something like, "It's been so exhausting with work, and neice/nephew the last few weeks. I think I really just need some chill out, alone downtime. I'm thinking I'll [insert whatever it is that's appropriate for you here or reference a plan he has that you might skip or request that he does something out of the house while you get the downtime]. And see what he says and how he reacts.

I thought you didn't live together? Can you not just send him home on an evening or have a few nights to yourself? It sounds very smothering. Also his feeling that loving someone means being a slave to your phone is very controlling.
I like my own space and even in my marriage we both have our own hobbies and are both a bit introverted. A man who needed me to be his entertainment would drive me potty

Ignore above post. I got confused.

I think you’re all right that some space apart would be helpful.

I only have one holiday day left from work until the end of march but I could take that as a day off for myself.

I also have to travel quite far with work in a few weeks so have just taken them up on their offer of a hotel the night before (whereas I’d previously been planning on travelling there and back in a day). So that’ll give me a night to myself too.

Don't make a big deal of it but just say casually something like, "It's been so exhausting with work, and neice/nephew the last few weeks. I think I really just need some chill out, alone downtime. I'm thinking I'll [insert whatever it is that's appropriate for you here or reference a plan he has that you might skip or request that he does something out of the house while you get the downtime]. And see what he says and how he reacts.
I think saying something I want to do will be easier than saying Im going to skip something he wants to do as we’ve had issues in the past about him feeling like I didn’t want to do the things he was suggesting (or don’t make enough effort with his friends) - so I know I’d be touching a nerve there and potentially setting the conversation up to fail. I could mention the taking a day off for myself for example. It’ll be interesting to see how he responds on the alone time as he is seemingly back to nice this week.

I do have a related situation actually that it would be good to get opinions on… There’s a family christening coming up where DP and I would be seeing wider members of the family who he’s either never met before or only met once before. My current feeling is that I don’t want him to come. He’s always sociable, fun, generous etc at family gatherings, and the family he’s met already all seem to think he’s great - so honestly, I don’t really want to add to the list of people who think he’s great who I’d then have to explain to if we split. Not to mention that it has really irritated me in the past to see him playing happy families if I know he’s just been moody before we left.

However, I’m not sure it’s really an option for me to tell him not to come. I feel like if I tell him not to come that’s a big statement that will likely cause upset and conflict and goes against the “let things play out naturally and observe” that I’m currently aiming for. So then I wonder if I should just let him come, as it doesn’t really matter what family think if we split?
Telling DP I’d prefer to go on my own would perhaps be easier if he was in a moody phase but feels harder while he’s in a nice, “fresh start” phase.

I think saying something I want to do will be easier than saying Im going to skip something he wants to do as we’ve had issues in the past about him feeling like I didn’t want to do the things he was suggesting (or don’t make enough effort with his friends) - so I know I’d be touching a nerve there and potentially setting the conversation up to fail.

I sort of understand what you're saying here, but again, it's a red flag for me that you're just accepting as "normal". I mean, of course you should be making an effort with his friends and vice versa, but the fact that you can't ever say no is ridiculous.

It's also a little ridiculous that you can't carve time out for yourself, at ALL. For example, last night, I'm tired,I'm not feeling well, work has been stressful. So after I'd done dinner and all the rest, I just casually said to DH that I was going to go upstairs and chill and watch some TV alone. And he waved me off and offered to make me a cup of tea. You're currently trying to schedule some one time WEEKS ahead of time by taking advantage of a work trip? That's insane.

Re the christening. No, I don't think you can uninvite him. That would not be a normal or kind thing to do in a healthy and happy relationship. I would suggest, however, that the very fact that you're even thinking about that is a sign of how far gone this relationship is. You trust him so little that you don't want him to meet any more of the people in your life because of how he will manipulate that situation so that you feel you have no support.

Sorry, just me again. Iv'e been thinking about this more. I have two children, a busy life etc and I still don't struggle as much as you do to get some downtime. Why can't you tell him that on Saturday morning you're planning a lie in, and a leisurely chilled out morning where you're just going to read/watch tv/go for a walk alone? Surely there isn't anything SOOO important on a Saturday morning that you have to be with him? You get a morning to yourself and then sure, off you go to whatever social plans you have later.

Thanks @GingerIsBest - your replies have given me a really helpful sense check. I think you’re right that I absolutely do need to have alone time ahead of taking a day off work or the night away with work too. I’ll aim to do something this weekend as well. I know from past experience if I’ve said I’m going to go to bed early, going out for a walk etc. he always says he’ll come too so I know this sits with me now to be better at just being clear that I want some time specifically alone.

With the christening that really helps too as seeing it written as unkind is absolutely true - and I don’t want to be that. I think I’d got myself lost in overthinking on it because I feel awkward being in a position where I’m pretending everything is okay but in my mind I know I’m thinking about things and know there’s a risk that the relationship may end. I suspect I need to stop overthinking and stop worrying about what other people think!

"There’s a family christening coming up " and "Telling DP I’d prefer to go on my own would perhaps be easier if he was in a moody phase but feels harder while he’s in a nice, “fresh start” phase."

Wonder if the two are connected - in that he knows he needs to get there to add people to his People Who I can recruit as Fans team.

I've often wondered how calculating people like your P and my Ex are and how conscious they are of what they are really doing.

*So then I wonder if I should just let him come, as it doesn’t really matter what family think if we split?

It really doesn't matter and WHEN they know the truth - assuming they are decent human beings - they will be horrified at what you had to contend with. He WILL show his colours to them at some point, Once you are out and free of him and his miserable energy

he always says he’ll come too so I know this sits with me now to be better at just being clear that I want some time specifically alone.

Yes. And no.

Yes because you absolutely should be clear and not feel guilty.
No because you shouldn't have to. That's the bit that I think is missing from your thinking/awareness on this. You're still seeing asking for alone time as something you have to be clear about, something you need to ask for, something you need to negotiate for. When really, it's a basic right for the rest of us. And the fact that you are trying to pre-plan how to approach this so that he actually leaves you alone is, another, red fag.

I'm not having a go at you. I feel like it might seem like I am. But honestly, I am just trying to shine a light on the many things that you have been conditioned to think are normal, but really aren't.

@MzHz raises an interesting point re the christening. I am of the opinion that a lot of this behaviour is unconscious, but without any ability to self reflect. Having said that, be prepared for drama at the time of the christening. Most likely for him to pick a fight with you or be withdrawn and subdued ahead of time. This ensures you're on edge at the family gathering which has the added bonus of him looking even better "see what he puts up with?"

My god, please stop agonising over this shit man. He’s shit. Please get him out of your house. He doesn’t deserve your constant consideration.

You are acting like a prisoner, trying to negotiate parole.

I unfortunately grew up with this from DM I thought it was normal behaviour. So when I got married DH reaction made me realise this was not normal. It took time but I no longer give him the silent treatment. I say I need some space and will come back to talk later with a rough time 1 hr or more etc. I am much happier.
Unless your DP sees it is a problem and not at all normal it isn't going to be good for the longevity of this relationship.
As others said it is a form of abuse.

I'd take the christening as it comes. If he starts to sulk beforehand I'd tell him that as he's obviously struggling and needs time to himself you'll go to the christening alone and give him some 'him' time.

If he's any sort of person, simply saying to him 'I need a bit of me time so I'm going to read alone upstairs, early night, watch tv' he should be happy to accommodate that. Be interesting to see if he can manage that level of thoughtfulness towards you

and the family he’s met already all seem to think he’s great - so honestly, I don’t really want to add to the list of people who think he’s great who I’d then have to explain to if we split

If you split, this can be a good phrase: "People can be different behind closed doors <smile>" It makes it clear there is another side to him without having to explain anything.

Wonder if the two are connected - in that he knows he needs to get there to add people to his People Who I can recruit as Fans team.

I suspect he’s forgotten the christening is even happening at the moment as he’s always been terrible at remembering dates of events / plans. Otherwise I’d see your point! Thank you for your reassurance on the “what will family think” point too.

Yes because you absolutely should be clear and not feel guilty.
No because you shouldn't have to.

And

If he's any sort of person, simply saying to him 'I need a bit of me time so I'm going to read alone upstairs, early night, watch tv' he should be happy to accommodate that.

I can see what you mean. I feel like it’s possibly been complicated by 4 years of bad habits now, in the sense that DP will almost assume he can come with me if I say I’m going somewhere (which seems to be his preference) and that’s why I need to be explicit about wanting to be alone. But even if that is true I can see that once I have raised that I want to be alone he should be happy to accommodate it.

You are acting like a prisoner, trying to negotiate parole.
I’ve definitely got into some bad habits too. Now that I’m starting to get some energy back I need to start standing up for myself / be clearer what I want again and worry less about his reactions.

But even if that is true I can see that once I have raised that I want to be alone he should be happy to accommodate it.

Yes, exactly. And very much shouldn't be just about going out. A quiet evening at home in a different room.shouldnt be a big deal.

One thing to bear in mind at this point is that as you are making these changes, learning to advocate for yourself, saying no etc, he will be very unhappy. It's a change for him. And not one he wants.

gosh op reading this I feel for you - you are walking on eggshells, unhappy and sad and this man is controlling you through his moods. I hope you can escape and find freedom eventually.

Hi @baffleddays I have been thinking about you all weekend. How did you get on? Did you manage to get some proper down time, and an opportunity to recharge alone without him sulking or muscling in?

@baffleddays I just feel compelled to advise you to think so carefully about this relationship. You have no ties and could just end it. You don't want to live with this all your life- my DM has and it's awful, got worse with kids and more life stress. Free yourself and demand better

Thanks for checking in with me @GingerIsBest – funnily enough I was thinking earlier today that I might drop in with an update! There isn’t a huge amount to update on to be fair as things have been fairly calm and quiet here over the weekend.

I took the advice from this thread and simply said to DP on Thursday / Friday that it had been a really busy few days and that one of the things that I was planning for the weekend was to go on a quiet walk and said that I was going to go on Saturday morning. DP’s first response was to ask whether I was meaning by myself and when I said yes he just said “okay” and that was the end of the conversation. There was no pushback, sulking etc. so that was a positive start. When Saturday came and I reminded him again that I was going there were still no issues, he didn’t call me while I was out (which has happened in the past) and when I came back I commented on how I need to get out for walks more often and there was still no pushback… so it went abnormally better than expected! He even hoovered while I was out! I definitely need to make sure I keep the momentum up on the alone time as I really enjoyed and benefitted from it.

I think both in the "going out" situation and more generally DP has been conscious of the "fresh start" that I updated about last Monday. He specifically referenced it on one day this week… there was some form of conversation that came up that somehow led to me mentioning that I can’t live with lots of shouting and he responded to comment on how he hasn’t been shouting or stressing this week and how it’s a fresh start.

There are a couple of times this week where I’ve felt like something has annoyed him, something that he may previously have ended up shouting or sulking about, and this week it's a bit like I've seen him visibly correct – start to snap but then tone it down. There was also a time this week when we took his Mum's dog for a walk and she stopped abruptly so I ended up walking into DP by accident - his first response was “careful!” – but when I turned and looked at him as if to say “how is that my fault” he laughed and said “you can’t do anything right can you”. Which I thought was an interesting observation on his part!

So overall I think the update is that this week has been much better than recent weeks, but it feels obvious at times that that’s requiring effort on DP’s part. So I'm not sure whether that's a good thing that he's making an effort or a bad thing that it's requiring effort! I am conscious of making sure that I'm observing things rather than getting lulled into a false sense of security.

Thanks for the update, I'm glad that you've been able to put some things in place.

So I'm not sure whether that's a good thing that he's making an effort or a bad thing that it's requiring effort!

Honestly, I don't know either. The cynic in me says the latter, but I'm happy to be optimistic and hope it's the former. You don't want to have to be hyper vigilant forever, so I guess this observing period is good, then at some point either it turns out he can't maintain it, or he does. And then if he does, you relax but have it clear in your head that if things happen again, you know it's a longer term problem and you can't fix it.

what you are working towards I guess is that you can casually say you're off for some alone time without it needing to be a double check in or you planning it in advance, that you can ask him to please stop leaving his socks on the floor without him blowing up at you and that you can have a disagreement without him sulking for days. If he's genuinely realising he's being unfair, that will all hopefully happen quite easily. If he's just making an effort because "she gets all upset" (vs "I realise I've acted badly") then it won't last, and you'll know.

‘You can’t do anything right can you’

another put down

How often are you having disagreements. If it's daily then question if the relationship is worth it!

This x100.

I put up with this for 4 years. Don't be like me.

Ask yourself how long you want to be in an abusive relationship, then decide what you want to do.