For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

It's not really her business or anyone else's. And it makes sense to keep the same name as any children. If I was a first wife wife with children I wouldn't be happy with their step mother having the same name as them if I didn't

She doesn't need to change it, she reverts to her maiden name, no solicitor, no deed poll, no cost. It is so very very simple. She never gave up her birth certificate so she still is Miss Marineboy

That's a fair point. My SIL changed her name from her first husbands surname to her second husbands surname (my BIL) but that meant she no longer had the same surname as her children but her ex's new wife did! I found that all a bit odd but it's none of my business obviously!

This change in women's identity, by taking a husband's name, has emerged from patriarchal history where wives had no surname except “wife of X”. The wife was the husband's possession and right up to the late 19th-century, women in England ceded all property and parental rights to husbands on marriage.

You can say what you like about the patriarchy, etc. I liked taking his name. We and the kids were a team, " we are the Ms" we would say. A bit difficult to say that if you all have different names.

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A) you don’t have to share a name to be “a team”
B) you could share the woman’s name if you did.

@sunshineonarainyday2023 I think it’s understandable women wanting to keep the same surname as their kids if that is the genuine reason. What I don’t understand though is when the woman keeps her ex’s surname for ages saying they want the same surname as their kids but then they meet someone else, re-marry and change their surname to the new husbands. 🤷‍♀️

How petty. It wouldn't bother me, but then I kept my own surname when I got married.

We call ourselves the ‘Bloom -Hisnames’ which is also the surname of the kids.

I call my friend’s families the ‘HerName-HisNames’ where appropriate, too.

We portmanteau ours for that.

I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname
Do you encourage them to share stuff like this? Do you secretly feel like you're 'winning'? Yes, I'm sure you're 'winning' because she ended up with him etc etc but, if they're doing it cos you all like the drama, these small wins aren't worth it. Really

I changed my name as soon as I could. It was a very liberating feeling and I was happy to ditch it. No impact on my children, they were fine with it. Never been an issue in all the years we've had different names 🤷‍♀️

I'm at an age where I'm wondering WHAT I was thinking when I 'took his name' I'm so glad to have grown and evolved since then.

I kept my birth name (maiden name). Why would i want change it just because i got married?

How weird, so you're not a team if you don't share a surname? If you were a true team then surely you'd hyphenate? The surname thing seems so outdated now.

I agree with this. My name is my identity and I'm proud of it. Weirdly, I also like that I have the same name as my wider family ... even though obviously I now also have my own family. I would've hyphenated except that it would be too long for my poor DC, I do like the idea of the DC having my surname as their middle name (which I think some othwr cultures do)

We think alike then!

Dont worry about length (unless extremely long!) as I think you get used to whatever your name happens to be!

If I hadn’t double barrelled I would definitely have wanted to give my surname as DC middle name.

Go for it! Maybe another good way to differentiate your new family unit away from your DH ex who wants to hold onto the surname.

I'm not getting divorced myself but a friend did and she kept her married name as she wanted to keep the same name as her children, so that's understandable. I don't really think it's any business of anyone else!

My mother also divorced and kept her maiden name. I actually struggle to say my maiden name as I have a slight speech impediment so I was glad to get one I could pronounce (and we're happily married anyway! 😊)

Of course her choice, very reasonable.
Does she use Mrs or Ms? I used to think that convention was Mrs for currently married, Ms for not or not disclosed, but I’m not sure anymore after this thread.

Just saying that the new wife may have good reason to be upset about ex Mrs DH, and others might assume a Mrs DH is currently married to a Mr DH.

This change in women's identity, by taking a husband's name, has emerged from patriarchal history where wives had no surname except “wife of X”.
In our case we discussed it and my husband suggested taking my surname if I wanted that. We also discussed which one of us would sell our house when we moved in together.

It doesn't bother me. DHs ex has the same name as her kids, and having gone through the pain of changing my name when we married, I wouldn't be in a hurry to do it again!

There is no legal status attached to titles. I try not to use one but if I absolutely have to will use Ms or Miss, never, ever Mrs (despite being married for 20 years). Sometimes I’ll go for and, and others I’ll let the requester of the information choose, which is always fun.

So did he?

I'm was a second wife, but now divorced from him. First wife changed her name back to her maiden name. If she'd have kept the name it wouldn't have bothered me - I'd understand she might want the same name as her children.

I'm not changing my name because it's also my kids surname, my maiden name was awful, and I really cba with more paperwork in my life.

I don’t care that she still has it but she was absolutely fucking FURIOUS when I took it when we got married! She kept saying how it was HER name and how dare I use it 🤣

I figured it was unfair on my ex to use his name whilst married to someone else so I changed it. Really that’s the whole of it!!!

I think it's common to keep it if it's the same as the children. It's your family name as it's the name of your children.
If there were no children I would think it was odd though.