For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

Exactly, this logic annoys me so much. A man's name is his own, a woman's name is her father's! Or husband's. Why is my brother's last name his own and so something he wants to pass to his children, and mine is just our dad's?

I personally really hate my name, both my first and last name. The whole thing. In my head I'm called something else entirely, like name dysphoria or something. But I left it too late to have the confidence to change it and now in my 30s it would feel absurd (and hurtful to my family). I still wouldn't change it to my DH's last name though.

A family friend married eg Mr Smith, became Mrs Smith and had a daughter, Sally Smith.

She has since married and divorced Mr Jones and then married Mr Williams, but has remained Mrs Smith throughout.

Yes, it was her first DH'S name but it became the family name when she had her DD.

I really can't be bothered worrying about this.

I still have my married name even though I divorced 12 years ago.

My partner's ex wife still has her married name even though they divorced around the same time.

If my partner and I marry, I won't change my name so I will still be Miss XH'sName and my partner's ex will still be the only MrsNewPartner'sName.

My exh remarried and I have no idea whether she took his name or not!

I'd be amazed if anyone cared tbh.

If it was the same name as my children I wouldn't dream of changing it. And that would be my answer every time. Much easier for going abroad etc. Some countries question if the mothers name is different from the children's/ more likely to ask for permission letters etc. If the same name I have never never known it be questioned.

So the benefit of being marked as owned by another man is…what? You become invisible to men who find blonde women with big boobs attractive? Is it specific to boob size and hair colour? Can other women become invisible too if we become Mrs? And how does it work exactly? Does your DH have to follow you around menacingly or do you just need a wedding band??

I’m a few inches off 6ft with J-cup boobs and an hourglass figure. My hair has been almost every colour under the sun. I travel and socialise extensively for work and holiday alone, abroad, regularly (as does DH). There has never, in 20 years, been a point where I felt the need to use DH’s name or Mrs as some sort of shield. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It doesn't bother me. It's her name now, she can keep it or change it as she likes.

I would keep my married name as its the same as my children's.

If I could go back and tell my 25 year old self anything, it would be to keep my maiden name and give that name to my children. My DH would always be welcome to take our names.

Couldn’t give a damn what my DP’s ex-wife’s name is.

it does really bother me that DP has currently (only just managed to get divorced after many many years of trying to resolve it all) kept their double-barrelling of one another’s surnames rather than reverting to just his ‘maiden’ surname. But that’s because he claims it’s so he has the same name as his kids, except he doesn’t because our son obviously doesn’t have the ex-wife’s maiden name as part of his surname he has mine and DP’s original surname double-barrelled. We’re not married but I have made it clear that I won’t ever be changing my name to Mrs ExW’s-DP’s double barrelled name and if people assume I am called that because we are together I will correct them and tell them that’s his ex-wife’s name, not mine. I also won’t be changing my name to double-barrel with his original surname if he’s keeping his ex-wife’s name as part of his. Fundamentally I know it’s his name and his choice but in reality words/names mean something and I find it somewhat disrespectful to me and our joint son that he would prefer to have the same name as his ex and his oldest children than revert to his original surname that everyone of his children has as part of their surnames. Honestly, if I knew he wasn’t going to change it I might have insisted DS simply had my surname and I wouldn’t have double barrelled it at all.

Most of the first wives I know couldnt wait to change their names as soon as their kids finished school. But until then wanted to have the same last name as their children.

I kind of understand her POV if you are still using the title Mrs ExName.

Not sure what the accepted traditions are for title change?

Of course it's a choice, my DS knows that. But it's so normalised in society that unless he sees examples in real life my words are irrelevant. I'm not married so I can't be an example myself. I can wang on all day but 'everyone knows' what the norm is.

My point exactly. Women see name changing as standard, or the norm. My two best friends didn't make a considered decision to change their name upon marriage, they never considered it an option not to.

Men don't, and never have. If names were so meaningless and unimportant and irrelevant to identity then men would also happily change them. Perhaps the men with embarrassing or hard to pronounce names, for example.

So I do raise an eyebrow at 'who cares? It's only a name'. It's only a name for half the population. The rest keep theirs.

Men don't, and never have. If names were so meaningless and unimportant and irrelevant to identity then men would also happily change them. Perhaps the men with embarrassing or hard to pronounce names, for example.
Well, as I say, my (adult) son has been considering changing his name.

The fact that men seem to see their name as integral to their personality doesn't prove that a name IS integral to your personality. We women know that it isn't thanks to our experience of changing names. Men have not had that experience so are not as insightful.

Wait.

Your theory is that women are happy to take their spouses surname because they're insightful on this issue, but men lack that insight so prefer to keep their names? Sorry but actual lol at these gymnastics.

If you change your name on your passport you have to effectively buy a new one.

Your theory is that women are happy to take their spouses surname because they're insightful on this issue, but men lack that insight so prefer to keep their names? Sorry but actual lol at these gymnastics.
No, I'm saying that women's experience of changing their name has shown them that names are meaningless, whereas men have not had that experience so have never experienced how meaningless a name is. (edit:reading back, I said that more or less word for word!)

Do you think that because men think names are meaningful, that must be right, and women have got it wrong?

My ex and new wife had no choice as I had the same surname before I married him. Happily changed it on my own remarriage

Yes, I do think that. Of course married women will say oh I didn't like my name anyway and I prefer his etc, and that's their choice. But if women are consistently making a choice that men don't, we can analyse why.

By the way I'm a woman and my name is fundamental to my identity. I wouldn't change it, ever.

and actually I forgot, I am a second wife. I don't think his ex goes by his surname but I don't care at all.

But if women are consistently making a choice that men don't, we can analyse why.
I gave you my analysis, which is that women have more experience in this than men and thus greater insight.
What's behind your theory that the men know better?

It's normal to only start seeing examples when you are older.

For example I had teachers at secondary school who were married but had a different name from their husbands. There as all my primary teachers who got married and divorced changed their names.

Then I noticed more and more women didn't have the same name as their husbands.

Nowadays you get letters to the parent or guardian of [name of child] as they know that parents and kids may not have the same names for a variety of reasons.

Men don't 'know better', they are the privileged class. They don't 'know better' than to do housework, they don't have to do it. If the privileged class don't make choices that the less privileged class make, it's normal to examine exactly how much of a choice the less privileged class actually have (not on an individual level, I don't care why you x on an individual level).

Ooh yes, definitely keep your name and have DP take your name too!

You will be starting a new unit together.

Ex can do what she likes but she can’t take your name 😂