For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

No I couldn't care less. There's many more with the same surname like sil, mil cousins. My husbands ex kept the name and I can't say I ever give it a thought

Men don't 'know better', they are the privileged class.
I thought you were arguing that men were right to think that names are meaningful, and women were wrong to think they are not? In which case, you were arguing that men know better, weren't you? I was just wondering what your logic was. Why do you think women are wrong to think names are not meaningful? Why are men right to think they are? What is your analysis?

Of course I wasn't arguing that men know better. Read my last post.

I asked:
Do you think that because men think names are meaningful, that must be right, and women have got it wrong?

You replied:
Yes, I do think that.

My questions since then have been asking for the reasoning behind that answer; why you think men are right and women are wrong.

But I've now lost the will to live, so I won't be responding any further.

Sorry if this is a bit controversial.

I think some people take pride in their name and it is part of their sense of identity and indicates which family group they are apart of. I personally feel that way and have not changed name on marriage. Our child has my name double barrelled. Changing your name to Mrs DH on marriage does give a bit of a social indicator that you “belong” in a unit with your DH, or even (traditionally) that you “belong to him”.

So that might be why some people would consider a Mrs DH who was divorced from Mr DH to be slightly odd or even pitiable, as if she is trying to be identified as her former role.

I can also understand some people for whom the name means nothing at all. In which case they might change it as they please.

A friend of mine says she won’t marry her DP until his ex has remarried so she’s the only “Mrs Friend”

Good luck to her in her presumption that the ex will change her name if she re-marries!

Maybe she could broaden her thinking little to explore the possibility of her DP changing his surname to hers if they marry - and avoiding the horror of sharing a name with an ex! Or even, you know, not changing her name on marriage.

Declining to marry if that is what you really want to do seems ridiculously drastic when other naming options exist.

This is how deep-rooted the patriarchal tradition is.

I was more annoyed by her messaging him constantly and putting kisses at the end of every message.🤦😂😬

Try feminism 😁

”Mrs DH” also would make me assume you are married to a Mr DH.

So if you are divorced and do this, these assumptions might make your new partner or your ExH new partner uncomfortable.

Genuinely want to know what it is now, sounds a fascinating story. But then I do love my murder documentaries.

It's infuriating isn't it. Marriage is a legal contract with lifelong material implications for both parties. Yet people treat it as a ten grand party and a new name, both of which are fun but effectively irrelevant.

I was recently a second wife.

Didn’t take husband’s surname anyway.

Found it quite funny that his first wife still had it.

We’re now divorced and I’m just glad I didn’t take his name too.

Can’t imagine getting angry about it unless you were very insecure, but then I can’t imagine ever taking a man’s name as a mature woman either (I took first husband’s as a child bride 24 year old, and ditched it as soon as we divorced for a name of my choosing that I will keep forever. Fuck men and their shit names)

I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname

Ask these family members to stop shit stirring
This is exactly right.
You dont need to know what anyone thinks of you.

Women do not need to change their name after divorce, they just revert back to their maiden name. No deed poll, no solicitor.
I don't care that my DH's ex still uses the surname and knowing my Husband it won't even have entered his head.

It's really easy to change names, when driving licence and passport need renewed chose other name, it's really not a 'ball ache'

Doesn't bother me there's a Mrs x before me

If I ever split I would prob keep married name due to being same as daughter and almost ita pitfa to change name on everything and yes costs for passport

Husbands ex has "his" name. I have plenty of better reasons to hate her, like the time she tried to steal money from us from a Health Equity account she thought he had forgotten about (then blamed her perfectly innocent aunt!).

Names don't mean shit. She will get married and change it again one day I am sure, just like 99% of ex wives will.

Couldn't care less what his ex wife's surname is! Has no impact on my life whatsoever!

These points don't speak for experiences of 'women', but of a woman. As a woman, I know that my name is integral to my identity. A name identifies a person. That's it's very function. Of course it is very much about who we are: given the purpose of naming in the first place, it can hardly be otherwise.

My name signifies my family history - for better or worse - and I did have an abusive father FWIW. However, I feel differently from the daughters who desire to discard that name. My name is mine as much as it's my father's; it's not a borrowed possession of his that needs to be relinquished. Also, why would I shed the identity of the family who are a part of my history for that of another family, whose background, early lives and history I don't share? This makes absolutely no sense to me.

Not least, in relation to careers women still have to work harder than men to achieve similar respect, status and standing. The last thing I'd want to do is cast aside the name under which I'd done this. IMO, there is still some way to go in convincing women that it's fine to be proud of our individual achievements, and that 'achievement' for females doesn't need to be restricted to a 'Mrs' title or the ability to get and keep a man.

Not one member of my household shares an identical family name. We are still very much a family unit.

I think that if a second wife can't handle the fact that her husband had a whole life before meeting her, and that his first wife can do whatever she likes, they've no business marrying a man who has been married before!

Wouldn’t occur to me to be bothered/even seek out that info.

I never officially changed my name when I married anyway - what’s the point? I call myself mrs married name but all my documents are still in my name. I just can’t be arsed!

What IS galling is when I get mail to ‘Mrs Husbands first name husbands last name’. Absolutely boils my blood. I don’t even go by Mrs. I’m Ms Nicebloomers as I have been since I applied for my learners driving licence in the ‘90’s. Apparently that’s controversial in some quarters 😂
In actual fact husbands first wife ‘Mrs husbands last name’ is dead so it’s preferable to not get mixed up with her 😂. And she had been married multiple times before. You should have seen the stack of paperwork we needed to take to get the marriage licence with all her previous names on.

Both of us on second marriages. His ex's name doesn't bother me in the slightest. I changed mine back immediately though. Don't get the whole "I need to have the same surname as my children" thing. We hae different surnames, they're still my children. I never felt comfortable changing my name to someone elses and didn't change it this time.

My kids asked me not to change my name. So I didn't. I play fast and loose with both names. Just keep ex's officially

My daughter wants to change her surname this year as she feels still kind if 'tied' to her ex. He was a horrible controlling bastard. I can understand women wanting to keep their married name, same as the children and all the banking & bills.