For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

I'm not likely to divorce, but if I do I'll be keeping "my" surname (yes, I took DH's, shoot me). I love it, it's so cool. It's been my name for decades so I don't regard that it's any more his than mine.

I can't imagine giving a damn about anyone else having it, nor anyone else giving a damn about me retaining it.

I don’t understand why anyone would waste energy getting annoyed at this.

Those of you who kept the same name, do you still call yourself Mrs?

I don't like that I still have his name, but I still want my DC's name.

There isn't a good solution. In many ways I shouldn't have taken his name in the first place, but then DC would have had a different name to either me or him and I didn't want that either.

I can't change it now though. I've used it professionally for 30 years. Changing it would be down right stupid.

Presumably nothing stopping you changing it. Your “own” name is whatever you choose for yourself, not just what was chosen for you.

Another thing that should be scrapped. Why should women be expected to share their marital status with strangers when men aren’t?

Not in the situation but I know it didn’t bother my stepmum, I don’t think she gave it any headspace. In any case my mum wanted to have the same surname as me and going through the palaver of changing (either just hers or both of them) was too much faff for something that really wasn’t that big a deal. It’s just a name.

Mind you even if I was in the situation, my current husband has a really common surname so loads of people have it. Couldn’t really get riled about that.

I took DHs surname and was very happy to. It is much nicer than my maiden name. But really I was desperate to get rid of my maiden name as it was my dad's surname so still steeped in patriarchy 🤷🏻‍♀️ but mainly because I didn't want the same name as my parents and siblings, for various reasons connected to 'Stately Homes'.

If we divorced I would keep my married name, because it is the same as our two sons but also because I have made it my own. Not sure I have explained it very well but it is my name now and I love it.

Exactly what @Getonnow said. I have used this name and am well known by it professionally for 30 years.

I am thinking of changing to my maiden name for personal things though but it all feels like such a pain in the arse.

I have no idea if exh’s wife even knows what I call myself, let alone cares. Her feelings don’t enter any consideration either way, not that there’s any hard feelings there, we get on well. ExH asked if I would keep his name when we divorced, he said he was glad I was. I call myself Ms now though.

And tell them to tell second wife to stop expending so much energy on something so trivial. 'Hate,' FGS.

I'd feel sorry for her, not hate her. I can't imagine keeping your ex husbands name, that just seems so weird

My dhs ex still has his sirname as she was called by that for ages. It dosn't bother me but I find it amusing as she has remarried and had kids but called her kids by my dhs sirname! Makes me wonder why she dosn't want her new husbands name as she ran off with him leaving my dh.
I in the mean time have kept my maiden name as dd has my maiden name.

really? If it's your children's name, why would you change it? Also, as others have said, once you take that name it's YOUR Name, not just his.

I didn't take DH's surname but if I had, it would then have become mine.

You can't imagine why someone might want to keep the same name as their child?

I think she is remarried now but it didn't bother me before she was. She isn't in our lives, no kids, no contact, lives miles away, divorce was many years ago, I don't really think about her or have any ill will towards her. She had a pretty unfortunate maiden name anyway, so I understand why she wouldn't rush to revert.

I'm weird then. There were so many things with my married name on them that it would have been a major pain in the rear end to change, and I wasn't that fond of my unmarried name anyway.

If it annoys my successor, then that's just a bonus. 😊

It's doesn't bother me in the slightest. I do wonder if it bothers her partner though, as there are no kids involved, so no reason to keep her ex's name.

DB's first wife did. They married very young (teenagers) and were together no more than a couple of years.
She even kept it when she remarried and gave it to a son of that marriage. At the time I did wonder what that DH thought.
40 years later she still has it. It's the most popular name so nothing great about it. I dropped it on marriage because I hated being called it. There were three in my year at school. I find that a little strange.

Just realised I can't spell sorry! Surname*

DH’s ex changed her name. We only found out because we saw her personalized (with her initials) licence plate in the car park after meeting up one day.

DH was pleased. I really didn’t care.

DH and his ex had children together but the kids are adults so perhaps Ex didn’t think having the same name was as important any more? I don’t know, it isn’t really something I waste brain space on.

Agree. My surname is mine, not my husband's!

I have 2 friends, one married a man with the same surname as her and one married a man who changed his surname to hers! Neither of these means the surname is not that individuals - male or female.

I don't think anything of it tbh as imagine she'd want to keep her married name so it matches her DD...

My married name was awful so I changed it back, I wouldn't have bothered if the surname was ok.

My dh ex still has his surname and I've never given it a thought until reading this.

I didn't take my second dh name, I still use my maiden name

Like others, I'd been using my married surname for 20 years - few of my friends knew my old name, and none of my professional contacts. I changed the name last year and still get emails from customers using the old name. Some customers wrote to me asking if I had stopped working as they couldn't find me on Google Maps any more. (Even though both the old and the new name were there alongside one another!)

It's extremely common to keep the name you've used for 10, 20, 30 years after divorce, and I'd find it odd if a later wife thought that keeping my name made me pitiable somehow. What's the reasoning behind that?