For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

@OOneMoreTime23 he was very happy either way but I said I would prefer to take his name.

Lots of women have professional qualifications in their married names and don't want to change it back to a name they haven't used for a long time and that wouldn't be recognised in their field. It takes a long time to build a reputation, so why would a woman cause potential issues for herself, when she has nothing to gain from the change. She doesn't owe it to her ex's new wife to prioritise her wishes!

Men who are happy for their wives to take their name upon marriage, should accept that having adopted it, it's now hers, and when they get married for a second time, really ought to shut down any complaints about the first wife still using the married name. She didn't take it out on loan!

Because the idea that names have anything to do with being a unit doesn't have any inherent value or logic to it. If it's what you like, crack on, but it's not something worth emulating in itself.

OrangeMarmaladeOnToast
But it’s a valid point- your child will have a different name to one of you, surely that makes things difficult sometimes?

Nope. It has never made things difficult for me. Well, other than the obnoxious school secretary who insisted on calling me Mrs DhName as apparently I was an absolute disgrace.

I have travelled with the dc on their own. No problem. Interestingly, dh, who has the same surname as dc, was questioned when travelling with one of them on his own. No issues medically or anywhere else.

Of course, there is no reason why your dc would have a different name to you. You could always give them your name. There is no law they must take their father's name. In hindsight, I'm sorry I didn't double barrel for my dc, although I did give them all my surname as a middle name.

That's a different point. You talked about your subjective take on being a unit, not practicalities. It's not valid either, because plenty of parents with different surnames to each other give the DC both. Doesn't have to be an either/or.

It’s my name now, it’s just a name if she’s got a problem then perhaps she shouldn’t have married a divorced man. I don’t really care what my ex new wife thinks one way or the other tbh

Unfortunately, if you dare to do anything that doesn't involve taking the DHs name and giving it to DC, you're opening yourself up to that kind of cunting. Often from other women. We clearly don't find those traditions desirable enough to observe, and some of them feel personally insulted by it.

In terms of practicalities, mine have both, but I expect as it's increasingly common for a DC not to have the same name as a parent, there'd be less questioning on that basis over time. In the same way as schools increasingly write to parent/carer of etc. There's just no reason to assume now, even in a country like the UK where it was commonest practice for a while, that the family will all have the same surname.

It’s my name.
No one would point out to my children that it’s not their surname yet I chose to have this one and have had it longer than any of them.
Not that I plan to divorce but if I did, I would keep it, it’s been my name longer than the name I inherited from my Dad.

I suppose it depends on different things, if you are only married a few year, then you may change it back. But I think if you have been married a long time and have kids it is easier to keep it. At my stage in life I would just keep it , I could not be bother at all the adminto change it back.

Much as it makes me feel awful and petty to say this? Yes, as 2nd wife, I don't like it. Logically I know that's crazy- its for the kid, its just a name, etc- but lizard brain is another story. Not that I would dare bring this up with ex wife as we have an entent cordiale. Marrying my partner this year, but Ive refused to take his last name, saying: "There is already a "Mrs X", you don't need another".

I wouldn’t keep mine. It’s my children’s name and I don’t really like my maiden name. If my DH remarried I wouldn’t really care if the new wife didn’t like it. That’s her problem not yours.

I would **

I find it so weird that you don't like the person enough to stay married to, but you're happy for your whole identity to be associated with that person forever

When I got divorced I went back to my maiden name even though my daughter has her dad’s name. It’s double barrelled already so I couldn’t really add my surname in. It doesn’t change anything that my daughter has a different surname to me, it just felt wrong to keep
his name now we were no longer married. It was a bit of a ball ache to change my name back to my maiden name but it was all done within a month of my divorce being final.

I've remarried now and my husband has taken my surname. His choice, not mine, I would’ve happily taken his. It was an even bigger ball ache changing his name though as he had to go through deed poll which I think was unfair and maybe it’s time to update the law somehow.

My mum kept her married name until she remarried. My dad didn't remarry though.

I'd keep my married name I guess as my kids have it. I'd only change it if I wanted too not ex or his wife.

I never changed my name so it's not an issue. I don't see why I should change.

I know someone who kept her ex husband’s name, even double barrelled it when she remarried. She then gave her child with her new husband the double barrelled name. Weird 😩

I’m a ‘second wife’ (married 3 years now). My DH has 3 teenage kids with his ex- wife. They have his name and she’s kept it too. Doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s all part of life’s rich tapestry I think

I'd keep DH's name simply because he's got a better sounding surname than my maiden name which I never liked.

HOUSE! That’s my bingo card filled. Anyone else?

I have kept my married name because it’s the same surname as DD has.

if I ever marry my partner I will hypenate as I want to keep the surname my DD has. So I may become a second wife at some point - and it doesn’t bother me in the slightest his first wife has the same surname!

Yes, me. Your comment here filled mine.

But some names are nicer than others. Women have a lot of disadvantages purely as a result of being female. But an upside is getting the opportunity to ditch a horrible last name and opt for a nicer one (if your spouse has a better name) and this thing completely socially acceptable and doesn't cause offence to one's parents.

I am divorced but still have my ex dh's surname and I have considered changing it expecially as my youngest is now 16. I've had that surname for 10 years longer than my maiden name and it goes well with my first name - same initial and beginning sound - but have never really felt it was me (very foreign surname and I'm very British)! My maiden name is pretty standard and reasonably common but I don't know if I feel like 'Jane Smith' anymore either.