For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

Or someone with her name.

I know a couple who had the same very common name who got married so it is possible.

It wouldn’t bother me but I’ve never understood why a woman changes her name when she marries. I understand it was the done thing in the past but I find it such a weird, outdated concept. I’ve met a few ‘first wives’ through my work, who married men who became very successful/wealthy and even after they’ve divorced and their ex husband have remarried they’ve still insisted on being addressed as eg Mrs Tom Baker. I find that so odd.

I can understand it’s a hassle to change all accounts/documents etc and perhaps it depends on how long you were married for, if there’s children who obviously share the same surname, if you’re on good terms and if he remarries etc

You're right in that you are not your name, oddly very few men see it that way. It's only women who consider it a changeable, meaningless label.

This. I’ve never even thought about it tbh but of course she’d want the same name as her children. It was her name before it was mine!

OP these threads always end up being the same arguments

"Women shouldn't change their name
"My married name is better"
"Bet all the men in the family never change theirs"
and so on and so forth, when the reality is nobody actually gives a toss (or shouldn't do), what name others choose to call themselves.

FWIW I changed mine by deed poll to exH's before we married, 25 yeas later I still have that surname, I don't give a fat rat's crack what his now wife thinks, nor do I care about what anyone else thinks. I like the name, I'm keeping the name.

This.

After I divorced first husband I went back to using my maiden name. I was glad to cast exh name aside. When I remarried I took my current DH name. DC have first husbands name and never been an issue exh has not remarried.

Really very sad that people are so insecure/ nuts.

My ex (now late) husband and I married in 1978. I 'took his name'. In 1988 we divorced. I kept his name because my dd wanted me to have the same name as her. In 2004, she married and changed her name. In 2015, my ex died. There's just me and his mum (whom I never see) with their name. It's my name now. Countless numbers of pupils have known me as 'Mrs Stop' and I've been signing 'StopStartStop' for forty-six years.

His two subsequent wives can like or dislike it at will. I don't give a fuck.

If I think about it, which is rare, the origin of my husband's name bothers me. It is the name of the slave owner who owned his great grandparents, I might have missed a great. It was also the name of the plantation they lived on and the name of the man who raped his GGgrandmother and fathered her son, again I might have missed a great.

So if I stop and think of that it makes me feel uncomfortable.

My maiden name was the anglicised version of my ancestors original names so that feels a bit strange as well.

I guess there are all sorts of things attached to surnames.

It's only women who consider it a changeable, meaningless label.
I don't think it's that surprising, when historically, it's been a changeable, meaningless label for women and not for men. You don't get women called "Gloria Roberts III" or "Amanda Fatheringstoke Junior".

@Iwasafool Did you know that before you took his name or find out later? Something like that would have put me off a bit I think!

I don't really care, to be honest. It's just a name, after all.

I don't care what individuals do, but there's a societal effect that does have an impact. Three members of staff in my sons school married and changed their names before he was eight years old. He naturally now thinks this is 'the done thing', despite my telling him its entirely optional and a man can change his name too. The world isn't showing him women keeping their own names or men changing theirs, nor will it, in all reality. So he grows up thinking men's names bear more importance than women's.

My two best friends took their husbands names and I gave nary a squeak. But I'm allowed to notice how naming traditions are not neutral and do have an effect on attitudes to marriage etc.

Well I suppose if I'd thought about it I would have realised it was a "slave" name as it isn't African and he didn't know anything about his ancestors in Africa. I didn't know more than that as we found out when doing some research. I suppose as the plantation/slave owner did father his Ggrandfather it would be his name? Maybe not as the poor child was obviously illegitimate. Doesn't seem to occur to DH that it could be an issue, it's just his name.

Probably obvious why I don't think about it much.

I’d think it was weird going back to a name I haven’t had since I was 21yo. Ive been x surname for nearly all my adult life, I wouldn’t change back, especially when I have the same surname as Dd.

So he grows up thinking men's names bear more importance than women's.

Only if you let him.

My DSs and DD know why I changed mine and that it is entirely a matter of choice for both parties. In my case it was an easy way out of a comedy name combination without offending my parents.

My exh's surname being rather embarrassing, my son has actually considered changing his surname too, as it would probably be allowed under German rules. My daughter hasn't considered it, maybe because of this historical distance that women have from their name? Her long-term boyfriend's name is really nice, so if they marry, she'd probably take his rather than vice versa.

Yes it annoys me…. Because I’m petty we have similar first names and same first and second initials so it feels like I copied her name when I took my DH’s last name 🤣

They also have no children together, she has since had a child who has her maiden name but she is still using my DH’s last name 🤷🏼‍♀️

Not sure her reasoning and don’t care to ask as I don’t want her to know how much it annoys me want to look childish

It's interesting that many women see changing back their name as a lot of unnecessary admin but are quite happy to do all this when first switching to their husbands name
Weird how socially r crammed people are

When I married I had a credit card and bank account. When I divorced I had a bank account, savings accounts, credit cards, mortgage, mortgage insurance, credit cards, lease, pensions, contents insurance and all the bills for my property. Changing my name back would have been a) a pain and b) the last thing on my mind right then.

What's weird is the way people give this more than a moment's thought.

If the new wife hates it, the ex should take the new wife's name. It's your name now too, he didn't lend it to you.

I'm not into the idea of changing names at all. I think it's a silly custom.

But if she's taken that name then it's now hers. Names are not on loan to women from men, and no, my name does not 'belong' to my father. It's mine.

100% this! Why should they tell you this? What is there to gain?

tell them to pipe down

My dh’s exw does and I don’t think twice about it. I still have my old married name and my dh doesn’t care. Just not important to us.

I still use my first married name, and my DH's ex wife still has his name. I don't really want to change mine until she changes hers! She's engaged but not re-married yet. It doesn't bother me that she has that name but I don't want two of us to have the same name either.