For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

The day the EXH moved out I went and changed my name back to my maiden name. I didn't want to be associated with that narcissist wife beater any more! Took 1 hour and I had just reversed the clock 13 years! It was amazing. I'm never getting married again but IF I did, I would 100% keep my name.

If I ever divorced I would keep my name for many reasons, firstly that my children have the same name as me and they are my family and as my parents are no longer here there's nobody else with my maiden name.
But also because my maiden name was awful and I was glad to leave it behind and take dh name which is far nicer and goes well with my first name.

My father’s. My mother says she changed her name by default because it’s “just what you did back then”. She wouldn’t do it now.

There always has to be one person that breaks the cycle. Happy for it to be me.

No brothers or male cousins with the name then?

I don’t know or care if my Husband’s ex wife still uses ‘Mrs’ or her married name.
Neither time I’ve been married have I taken another name - I like my name and don’t feel the need to change it to show I’m married.

I don’t share a surname with my three children either, they are teens and I regularly travel with them and only once has it been mentioned.

@Polis what are the benefits of being known as Mrs?

My DH's ex-wife still uses her married name it. Doesn't bother me half as much as it bothered her when I became Mrs X, and had the same surname as their children. It riled her up good and proper.

I’m a slim blonde with a larger bust than you might expect for my build. Use your imagination.

No judgement from me, everyone makes their own choices. But, I can't help observing that while many women who have been called Smith for twenty eight years see no hassle at all in changing it to Jones upon marriage. The hassle seems to come from changing it back, and at that point it's 'their' name anyway, but Smith wasn't.

Some of these women have had the married surname longer than their maiden name.

I would probably keep my married name. Its my name, not loaned to me plus I'd want to have the same surname as my children

I have no idea what surname his ex wife uses, I never have. Why would I?

I changed it back, and it was more hassle than changing it in the first place. Being older, I had a lot more credit cards, insurance providers, customers etc. I needed to contact. And when I got married I simply showed people my marriage certificate and they changed it in their files without question. Most had never seen the documentation I had showing I'd changed my name back, and found it confusing. I had to make several visits to my bank before it was sorted out.

If I'd given my children my name, then they would have had their grandad's name. All names go back to a man's name at some point, unless we women make up a new name for ourselves. (Which is not allowed where I live - Germany - unless you can prove that your name causes you trauma of some kind!)
I can't say I ever felt especially attached to either surname. It's just a name. I could swap it with another random name and that would be my name.

Sounds like the new wife should have found a man who's never been married if that's the type of thing she gets annoyed about.

I changed my name after I married. I wouldn't go back to my maiden name. It's a pain and a hassle to change everything, I'm known professionally by my married name now and I want to have the same name as my children. My aunt used both. It's an individual decision and really other people should stop fussing or reading more into it.

No, it would have been your name, the name you grew up with. Nobody thinks men don't really have names because it's actually their dad's name.

I was fine with the fact that my husbands ex had the same surname, as the boys had it and as a mother I undertood her not going back to her maiden name. Then she married another man and changed her name to his. 10 years later they divorced (all the kids lived with us but were young adults at this time) Then she changed her name back to our name. THAT pissed me off. She is in a relationship now for the past 3 years and has changed back to her maiden name. Seems like having the same name as her sons only matters when there isn't a man in her life. GRRR. On my side, I did not change my name until my husbands adoption of my daughter went through. When she officially became "husband's last name" I changed then.

No, it would have been your name, the name you grew up with. Nobody thinks men don't really have names because it's actually their dad's name.
I was responding to the idea that if a woman changes her name to her husband's then she's taking a man's name. Using that same logic, if she keeps her birth name then she's using a man's name, too.

No, I don't hate it - I have very little to do with his first wife so it doesn't cause confusion. His dd, my dsd has the same surname as her mum and myself. I can understand why she would want to keep it, so there is no confusion with school etc. It's also quite a commonplace surname as well, so it would be a bit silly to be annoyed as loads of people have it!

I've also noticed she sometimes goes by her maiden name.

But she isn't changing it. She's had that name all her life, it is hers, regardless of how she got it. Changing it on marriage is taking a man's name.

Agree, obviously many (most?) people in the UK are named with their father's surname on birth, but you grow up with it as your own from day 1 and so it's yours.

Actively changing your name to a man's upon marriage is a totally different thing.

I've been a 'second wife' for many years and it had honestly never occurred to me what the first wife is called! It wouldn't bother me, and I can't think of any reason why it should.

I think it's more relevant where the ex has children with the man as then you know what name she uses and also she's likely still involved with his family to some extent.

I can't see why it would ever bother someone in (I presume!) your situation where there was a first marriage but no kids so ex wife is completely out of the picture.

She's had that name all her life, it is hers, regardless of how she got it. Changing it on marriage is taking a man's name.
But when I take it, it's just as much mine as my dad's name is mine when I am given it at birth.

I don't feel as if any of these names are "mine" especially, though. I grew up in a family who all had a different surname to me, and now live in a country where no-one can say my given name properly so I use a different name. Lived for 20 years with one surname then changed it back again. Names just feel like a label people use for me, not part of my personality. The names are not me.

People keep it to have the same name as their children very often.

Plus after a long marriage, the name you took at marriage is your name.

I'd keep mine if I got divorced. My mum kept hers when she got divorced.

DP's ex hasn't changed her name. The person who commented on this and in writing was actually a Family Court judge. She obviously showed him that she hates DP's guts. They were separated for longer than they were together and married as well.

Personally I wouldn't change my name to DP's if i married him because his name is as common as mud. This is also why DD name is double barrelled.