For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

It's interesting that many women see changing back their name as a lot of unnecessary admin but are quite happy to do all this when first switching to their husbands name
Weird how socially r crammed people are

My husband’s ex kept her married name. I’ve never given it a second thought.

Apparently she said she prefers it to her previous surname.

As I said, DD shares my surname (given I did all the hard work) and DH’s is a second middle name. She can use them however she sees fit.

Hell will freeze over before I associate myself more with my husband’s family than my own.

Totally agree. It's hard to believe that when Ms was introduced, so many women didn't want to change - they were proud of their 'Mrs' status.

After divorce I kept my ex husband’s surname as it was the same as my children’s. When I remarried many years later I kept first husband’s name as it had been mine for so long.
If I were young I would keep my maiden name and register my children with it too but times have changed.

I genuinely get PTSD reading “maiden name” that many times in a thread, never mind one post. Hideous term.

Yes I confess I didn't like it, partly as both being Mrs X meant there was the occasional mixup. But in a surprise move she did go back to her maiden name after a few years.
My step DIL now has the same first and last name as me, looks weird when I see it, but doesn't bother me at all (only that it's a reminder that my first name is way too common).

OneMoreTime23
Sorry I didn’t mean you, was a more general question. Totally fair point!

Yes I agree. It's so strange to me that people happily change their names halfway through their lives upon marriage, and just start using someone else's name as if it's their own!? I could never do it, I feel like my name is set in stone, it's who I am.

I agree that social conditioning is very strong and there's a lot of pressure on women to change their names and also to give children the father's surname.

It bothers me that my daughter has her father's surname and not mine, I wish I had pushed for a double barell.

@Getonnow not necessarily, most people don’t get married at 16. Most of my peers were in their thirties before marrying for the first time. Equally, I’ve built a career on my maiden name so even IF I changed my name, I’d keep my maiden name for work anyway. Though some others choose to change midway through a career. So yes that’s possible to do.

@BoohooWoohoo some do, but either way I personally wouldn’t want to keep that link, this is an opinion thread after all.

@Mylovelygreendress correct, I don’t understand why people would do that. Again, it’s an opinion thread and I’m allowed one that’s different to yours, what about that don’t you understand? 😙

@DoggusDomesticus to me it would never be “my” name, it would be a name that I changed my own name to. In fact, when I was with my ex I always saw it as his father’s names as that’s where he got it from, and I didn’t want his fathers name

Eh? You can achieve the same by all using the woman’s name.

If you chose to change your name on marriage it is your name. Not ‘his’. It is legal, documented and the name on your passport. Yours.

It is not your responsibility to worry about the next woman who may or may not choose to change her name to his.

If it bothers them, he could change his name to hers and they could live as a family under her name.

Let’s get out of this thinking that women borrow names and must re-label themselves like jars of jam according to men (from father to husband) , while men always own their name and have the right to it.

(Personally I would never change my name except to a reciprocal hyphenated name. And can’t be doing with the term ‘maiden name’ either. Cringeworthy. And No make equivalent, usually a good indicator of ‘sexist’ )

Hear bloody hear. 👏

Let’s get out of this thinking that women borrow names and must re-label themselves like jars of jam according to men (from father to husband) , while men always own their name and have the right to it.

But they do?! Surely that's exactly what a woman has done by changing her name upon marriage - re-labelled herself so she's now matching her husband.

There is very little discussion ever of men taking the woman's name, and rarely do 2 people choose a completely different name together so they can match.

Really not that important is it

You don’t have to if you don’t want to.

I wanted to. Making my marital status obvious has never been a problem for me. There are some benefits.

Couldn't care less. I kept my own name when I married. Will be keeping it if I marry again.

I think DBoyfriend's ex either never changed her name or has changed back but couldn't be sure and I don't care. He's never mentioned it either.

I agree with @OneMoreTime23

It's archaic to expect women to change their names on marriage.

I never did but people still sometimes write letters addressed "Mr & Mrs Husband's name" (including my in laws who should know better as they've been told!) It irritates me.

No one ever writes "Ms & Mr My Name".

Agreed.

We need to dissolve the default position (woman changed name on marriage) .

But if a woman actively chooses to change her name (rather than gone along with the tide, or succumbed to pressure from family or DH, as we have seen so often on MN) then it is her name. Not a brand only to be used when she is part of his domain.

Such as?

I've got no idea what her name is now. I have no idea where she lives or anything about her. They divorced over 40 years ago. To be honest I don't know if she is alive.

Why would you change your surname especially if you have kids

its your name

Is your family name your mother's name or your father's?

I don't think I'd care but I do think it's weird to keep the name. I just wouldn't want to be called my exes surname or have the same name as his new wife.

I would never have changed it in the first place but if I had I'd be changing it straight back!

But she has only taken that name because it's the man she's marrying's name? If it wasn't the custom then would she have changed it to that name, or to any other name? Probably not.

So to me it's always going to be inextricably linked with him and his family, and the archaic customs around marriage. To say otherwise and that it's now 'just her name' and nothing to do with him seems disingenuous to me.