For second wives, do you hate your exes first wife still having his surname?

[sunshineonarainyday2023]

Just curious really. I still have my exes surname as it's been my name for more than half my life and the cost of changing everything is pain.
I've noticed that most of my divorced friends still use their married name but I wondered if it riles the ex or the new wife?
I've been told by family members that my exes new wife hates that I still have his surname.

It’s amazing to me that any woman changes her name because she’s signed a legal contract anyway. Would save an awful lot of anguish if they just stopped
But then do your kids not have a different name to him? Why wouldn’t you all just have the same name if you’re saying you’re a unit by getting married? We had a talk and went with his because my family name will long continue but his wouldn’t.

Opposite issue here, OH legally took ex's last name, had children that naturally have the same name, then they divorced. He doesnt want to change it as its his bond to his children that he doesnt live with, OH and I are engaged and I either take his ex's name or keep my own, that I have always hated as it is my dads adopted name from a guy that significantly abused him...

I have been Ms since I was 18, so no. Pretty much every other european language has abandoned this nonsense. It's a shame english doesn't too.

Re the op - I don't personally understand why any woman would change her name on marriage. However, if you do change your name, it then becomes your name and it's up to you what you do with it, in the same way it was up to you to do what you wanted with your birth name.

I don't like it tbh. But largely because she is so colossally horrible. Nothing I can do about it though so I don't give it much thought. She is getting married soon and has announced (to other people) that she will be double barrelling her name with her new husbands and so will the DSS's. That's probably a step too far and I don't think she can legally do that without dh's permission but I'm sure that's what they will be 'known by' or some such. She has already enrolled them in football teams as that. What can you do really?

DH’s ex changed her name. We only found out because we saw her personalized (with her initials) licence plate in the car park after meeting up one day.
That reminds me - throughout our marriage, the family car featured "UK" because I am from the UK (I live abroad). After we separated, my exh got a new car, and when we met during the divorce proceedings he proudly showed me the new licence plate with "UK" in it. So he kept our old licence plate, even though he now has no connection to the UK. I asked "Why have you used that?" in confusion and he could not give me a good answer. Much weirder than me changing or not changing my name!

No, it's not a problem, and I can't imagine my XH's current partner having any issue with me using "his" surname 20 years after divorce.

It wouldn't bother me at all if an ex kept my husband's surname. She did! I didn't care, to be honest. They had no children, which is usually what encourages ex wives to keep a name.
That surname does become many people's identity. And if you have kids, travel becomes a pain if you revert to your maiden name and the kids have the father's name. It's just easier for everyone to have the same surname. That said, I have reverted to my maiden name. My eldest son has used my maiden name from birth. My other two have gone through the courts (they're minors) to change their surnames to my maiden one (with my assistance). For me, it's easy because my ex has lost his PR. Usually, you can't just change kids' surnames to mum's maiden one without the father's permission (rare to get this).

I don't like it tbh.

Your DH can always change his name if he doesn't want to have the same name as her. "But it's his name" - and it's also hers. "But he wants the same name as his child" - so does she.

I’m not married to my DP but he’s divorced and she still has his name. It’s an unusual name, so not like a Smith, Jones or Jackson that are everywhere.

I’ve never been sure if I would change my name if I ever got married, even way before meeting current DP. But having the same name as her is another of the “cons” on the list. I’ve considered him changing his name to mine if we got married, as my name is so rare that anyone you find with my surname is related to me and I’m an only child so name would end with me in my branch of the family. DP doesn’t care for his name as he went NC with his parents and siblings when he was young.

I wouldn’t want to feel like I was joining her family so to speak, as in me, him, her, her son etc all having the same name. I want us to be our own little family. So probably either keep my own name or see if he wanted mine. But in fairness I’ve never been sure I wanted to change my name anyway so it’s definitely not the main reason!

A friend of mine says she won’t marry her DP until his ex has remarried so she’s the only “Mrs Friend”

My exh’s next wife hated that I kept his surname after divorce . In fact she contacted me and insisted I change as she was now Mrs Smith ( not real name ). I ignored her and kept the name until I remarried.
Interestingly when they divorced she kept his name ! 🤷‍♀️

I expect this bothered exh partner when they were together. I couldn't give a f. I'm not having a different name to my children.

No. She shares it with her kids and it's her name as far as I'm concerned. I also kept my own name through both marriages so it's not as if we are competing to be 'Mrs X' (yuk)

This

I didn’t change my name 😂

Ex and OW objected. It's been my surname for 23 years and it's our 12 yo son's surname. I have no intention of changing it. Why should I?

My mom didn't entertain the idea of changing hers back to her maiden name. Her married name is very similar to her maiden name anyway (literally one letter difference) and she wanted the same last name as her children. Fair enough.

If she'd known it wound up my dad's new partner, I'm sure she'd have been quite pleased 🤣 but as it happens I doubt the new gf cared

I also don’t understand why anyone would keep their ex’s name after divorce. The thought of that creeps me out almost as much as changing it to match his in the first place. Constant reminder that you’re marked by someone else that you’re not even with anymore. Even if you split amicably.

No you're weird. There is absolutely nothing weird about keeping the same surname as your children.

I don't hate her, I do think it's weird that someone wouldn't want to revert to their own name once they've split. But I do understand that people want to have the same names as their children so I get it from that perspective, especially as she is with them alone 90% of the time so is the contact for school, doctors etc.

My ex doesn’t have a unique surname so his wife can go whistle if she has that attitude. I share a name with my children which is my motivation.

I saw a post on here from someone who received a solicitor’s letter telling her to change her name which made me laugh.

You've built a lifetime's career reputation using one name and then you'd change it? You share a name with your DC and you'd change that?

Some people have their married name longer than their maiden name.
I also understand why people who have a career based on married surname wouldn’t want to change too.

What exactly don’t you understand ?
That different people think in different ways ?

It's usually to help with children having the same name as both parents. I didn't change back because of my youngest daughter.

Doesn’t bother me at all. They have kids with that surname, so I can understand that she would want to keep the same name as her children. And I don’t think anyone apart from her (and possibly her kids) is entitled to a view on it!

I kept my own surname when we married, and would have done whether or not he had an ex wife. But I must admit the fact that she and I have the same first initial did strengthen that feeling, the idea of being the next Mrs P Smith did not appeal!

They're not keeping their ex's name; they're keeping their own name.