Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

It is hard to recover if you think your mum is choosing a man over you.

Step parents are never going to love your kids as much as you do so they won’t have as much tolerance of poor behaviour.

what the fuck?!!! poor kids because she’s not with their dad? Are you ok?!

Yes, what an awful thing to say. Her daughter, by her own admission, has a man in her life who can’t control himself and blames her for everything. Op also just labels her as difficult rather than thinking 🤔oh yes she has a volatile dad so maybe THAT’s why she’s behaving this way.

maybe she should stand up for her daughter for once and accept there’s a REASON she’s a brat and that she’s part of that reason for allowing the father/father-figure to behave that way to her own daughter.

OP, a lot of uncharitable comments here. In our house we're not a blended family and I still have moments when I just want to get away from my mean teenage daughter.

That said, your DP really needs to do better, ot else move out. Which I guess doesn't have to be the end of the relationship. Xan you afford couples therapy? I found it helpful.

It is laughably regressive bullshit, isn't it. Having split from the girl's father, the mother apparently shouldn't allow herself another adult relationship until her kids have grown up and left home.

Although probably not even then, as her adult offspring may think "What a cruel cow! She cares more about some old man/woman than she does about us!" 😂

He just doesn't seem able to handle when she has an outburst, which seems to be more and more at the moment
then he moves out and grows the fuck up. No way my dd would have to live with a man who was arguing with her for being a teenager. And she needs more help too.

Or maybe our problem is more to do with the fact that this man is regularly shouting at her very young teen daughter. a man who has known her daughter for, what, 4 years. and the OP’s response is to weep in the car, start a mumsnet thread and then explain away his actions and defend him 🤷‍♀️

Difficult to put an entire relationship into one post online, it's not as terrible as some people are making it out to be.

For clarity, he doesn't shout and swear AT the kids, just kind of stomps around shouting to himself or at me

My issue is that whenever there's a disagreement, he seems to think he always gets the blame for it and then starts the shouting and swearing and acting like a giant manchild

he then started the stomping and swearing moaning

That’s a pattern of behaviour. It isnt a one-off. It isnt unusual he shouts and swears. Youve accepted it directed at you and now he is belittling your teenage daughter at her most impressionable. He can do some real damage.

Fwiw, whilst I am not condoning your partners behaviour, teenage girls can be a tough act.
Mine was an absolute nightmare between 13-15, & I wept in the car on occasion too. My h is my daughters dad, and he often couldn't handle her very well, it was like two butting rhinos, which of course just makes it all worse..
My suggestion, just try and help your partner see its more productive to take a breath and not bait the bear..and in time it gets better..honest!

Yeah it’s absolutely ridiculous, and it’s because of women like her that people stay in abusive relationships because ‘it’s better to stay with your children’s dad no matter what’.

Im unsure if she’s got a teenage daughter but it sounds as though she hasn’t because I do, and they cause ALOT of trouble, regardless of who you’re bloody living with 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Sounds to me like she is unwilling to even challenge her daughter's behaviour, relying instead on her partner to actually assert some kind of control, while she stands back, playing what people like you would consider "the responsible adult" (i.e., completely ineffectual and indulgent).

Are you me? This is my house too. DH and DD (teen) not spoken for 3 months. Yes, that includes over Christmas. I feel your pain. No advice - clearly I can't sort my own household's mess, so no hope of anyone else's- but sympathy.

Please don't ask your partner, who your children are close to, to leave because he doesn't have the tools to talk to your teenage daughter.

Blended families 100% can work, mine is 1, my husband loves my older 2 kids as his own, they love him back. They're in their 20s now and still close.

Was it always easy? No. Not at all. But we are all learning. All of the time. Your partner needs to step out of the room when your daughter is like this. Your daughter needs ti understand it isn't OK to behave this way too.

I'd strongly recommend finding someone like this, who can start to help you understand why you're all reacting on the way you do.

Best of luck.

https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist?igsh=ZHA2bmhqdzdhOHFh

He doesnt ‘have the tools’ to talk to op either. He shouts at her.

@ArnieLinson he clearly needs to learn not to. But I don't think he's necessarily a bad person. @adultingbadly said they get on really well. He was going to build her bedroom furniture. They all need to learn communication skills.

Checking someone out isn't always the answer, we can all become better communicators.

Have you completely missed the part where OP says he stomps around and shouts at HER.

OP was sat in her car crying because of the ongoing issue.

The teen sounds very difficult but the grown adult should not be acting just as bad as the teen and should definitely not be shouting at OP and making her miserable.

No I didn’t miss that part at all but tell
me how it’s relevant if it’s her daughters biological dad or stepdad? Surely she shouldn’t be allowing that behaviour from anybody - and perhaps she doesn’t, which is why she is no longer with her DD’s dad.
Completely and utterly shocking to say ‘poor kids’ just because they are in a blended family.

Your DD would be better off building the furniture herself (with help from you).
Mr stroppy pants will probaby get angry when he can't put a piece together and strunt off shouting and moaning anyway.

And I say again, the argument was started by him.

He pressed your daughter's button and got the reaction he wanted.

My Ex used to do the same to me. Then he could claim I was the unreasonable one

I'm willing to bet your DD isn't that difficult. I had a father who took out his anxiety on the rest of the family. I reacted to protect myself. My mother took me to a therapist because of my terrible behaviour only to have the therapist turn around and tell her, "your daughter isn't the problem, your husband is the problem." I didn't know this till a couple of decades later and thought all that time my mother blamed me for my self defense behaviours. I've never forgotten it and I won't forgive it. My mother was his chief enabler and allowed us to be subject to our father's totally wrong behaviour because it was easier for her.

Your DD won't forget either. She won't blame him either, she'll blame you for allowing her to deal with it. I've always vowed I would never let it happen to my children and I haven't.

If he’s shouting and swearing, he shouldn’t be there. It’s not fair on your children.

It can still be heard and felt though.

He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday' and she kicked off screaming that she hadn't moaned about it.

So basically then, she felt like he was needling her. Why did he do that? It didn't seem like a joke to her. Perhaps what he should have said was: 'right, let's get started on that furniture - would you like to give me a hand?'.

Some teenagers struggle a lot more than you did, and anyway, the point I was making was that she's a child and the OP's DP is the adult in this situation, and he is handling it badly.