Another weekend in tears

[adultingbadly]

Sat in my car in a supermarket car park in tears again. I'm so sick of everyone falling out in our house. We can't seem to have a weekend that doesn't end up in a huge fall out.
Difficult teenage girl (kicks off at every little thing, rude to everyone, nothings ever her fault), DP that can't ever take responsibility for any part in any argument (usually with her) so then starts stomping and swearing around like a bear with a sore head.11 year old son who then gets upset that everyone's falling out.
And apparently it's all my fault for making them entitled 🤷🏼‍♀️
So fed up 😢

@adultingbadly said
He jokingly said this morning 'oh I better go build that because I got moaned at yesterday'

This is him actually starting the argument with DD by making a passive-aggressive "so-called" joke. DD rose to the bait, and before anyone could say Jack Robinson, it's DD who was being perceived at the difficult one.

This man sounds toxic.

In similar situations, if called out instead of argued back against, the perpetrator will usually say "Can't you take a joke?"

Adult male shouting an swearing at my children? He would not see the door on his way out .

I don't care how "amazing" he is at other times. If any man ever raised their voice at my children they would be gone. You are upset because you are in a conflict, yes teens can be defiant but yelling and swearing has yet to ever improve their behaviour all you are doing is showing them the wrong way to resolve conflicts.

Really sorry for what you're going through but his behaviour is unacceptable and immature - sounds like DD is picking up on it (and is allowed to be immature herself, but has confusing role models given man-baby DP) - so I'd save your relationship with your kids, cut off the stress and LTB.

Ok, thanks for all the replies. I'm going to make this my last post because it ends up getting repetitive.
Yes things need to change, appreciate everyone's honesty. I will make sure things do.
Difficult to put an entire relationship into one post online, it's not as terrible as some people are making it out to be but yes I appreciate some things aren't working.
For clarity, he doesn't shout and swear AT the kids, just kind of stomps around shouting to himself or at me.
Lots to think about.
Thank you.

For clarity, he doesn't shout and swear AT the kids, just kind of stomps around shouting to himself or at me.

He’s not a teen!
He’s a grown adult!

He shouldn’t be stomping around shouting at you or even himself.

Just reading it has given me a huge ick.

How often do you stomp around shouting?

I’m sure the relationship isn’t terrible but it sounds like you are acting more like his mum than his equal partner and I’m not sure how you can cope with that.

You've got two issues here - your daughter firstly. Teens are a nightmare but I'm a firm believer that they need to understand how their moods can affect the family and how that while it may blow over quickly for them it can have a longer lasting effect on the family. They need to be reminded calmly of this when or before things blow up. I found out that they needed "reining in" every 5/6 months or so. They live in a social group and they need to take their responsibility too.
Now in my case it was their father and a joint approach with me to this. It is easy to be more detached from stepchildren and see their behaviour more critically or objectively. Perhaps your DP is going to have to detach somewhat from her at this period in time and it is you who has to deal with these episodes. Difficult possibly especially for you but she will also maybe learn that people don't have to put up with her crap. However if you have a good disucssion about all of this perhaps she will smarten up a bit.

Could you arrange some sort of password between you that reminds him that he's agreed to try to take the calm, sensible approach to your daughter's tantrums rather than the sweary stompy one?

The bedroom furniture doesn't get built until she apologises.

You have my huge sympathy, it also happens in families where the man is their father.

Teenagers have a lot to answer for sometimes.

its very difficult

First and foremost your dh needs to change the way he reacts to your dd. He needs to be setting an example, he's the adult in the relationship. We all know teens can be more than difficult but no one ever got anywhere by acting as bad as them.

As for your dd, she needs to have consequences for her behaviour. No point being all nice when she wants something then awful the rest of the time

After surviving teenagers for more years than I care to think about, I still think that this video sums it up perfectly.. thankfully we’re coming to the end of it (blended family) but you have my sympathy. It’s hard 💐

You have two problems:

1. An emotionally stunted DP with no discernable control over his reactions. You can't fix this and shouldn't have to try. He's supposed to be a grown man and adult partner; he's not. You're having to 'manage' him like another teenager. Ick.

1. A fairly typical teenage girl who needs far firmer boundaries as well as a better example of what a desirable male partner and healthy relationship look like. It's done for some serious parenting research for ideas and implementation of a new set of rules, including the calm implementation of consequences for all disrespect. For this to be effective I fear you're going to have to get rid of the immature 'partner'. If he's allowed to stomp around swearing at every difficulty, the message she's receiving (whatever is said) is that that is acceptable behaviour and will emulate it.

Terrific, a man shouting at a woman in front of her kids. Great example for the girl on what to take, and for the boy in what to dish out.

I don't think it's a good idea to tell her that she's responsible for someone else's reactions.

We're all responsible for our own actions, and we're allowed to be mad.

I do agree that DD needs help to learn coping strategies though. Unfortunately, it's statistically likely she will encounter other people in life who should be more emotionally mature and aren't.

Op you also have a responsibility to your children to make sure they're around good role models, so I'd reassess living with your partner. He is also responsible for his own actions, and he's not taking accountability.

Shouting and swearing at you because he’s not mature enough to regulate himself after being upset by another person is abusive. Just saying.

I admit I get the massive ick from ANY post about a stepdad struggling with a 'difficult' teenage stepdaughter - because I was that 'difficult' girl, I wasn't really difficult at all, I just challenged the status quo as my stepdad was (and is) a controlling narcissist who didn't want stepchildren but had to accept them as the price of marrying my mum.

These are the vibes I'm getting from your post as my stepdad also did (and still does) stomp about swearing and muttering to himself about me and my sister. I resent my mum for turning a blind eye to this for the sake of any easy life. I've never really been able to rebuild my relationship with her as I've found this too hard to forgive, and I am late 40s now. Don't be my mum, OP!

I imagine he’s being “picked out” because he’s an ADULT and she’s a 13 year old CHILD 🙄

Tbh, it’s a bit unfair to jump to this conclusion. A teen at 13, especially girls, are a raging ball of hormones, and she may be targeting op’s partner just because he’s an easy target - she isn’t emotionally attached to him - he’s not related to her by blood. When my teen daughter played up, and she was a nightmare, I would just remove her from the situation, take her for a walk or out in the car to the supermarket, just to calm the waters. It worked most of the time.

Some typical Mumsnet responses here when confronted with a monstrous teenage girl - "Leave her alone, she's a teen, she's allowed to be utterly awful to everyone for years on end! It's the partner's fault for daring to challenge her!"

Whether he's the real dad or stepdad, the fact he can't take responsibility for his own actions is a red flag. He sounds like a man child who doesn't deserve a family.

get a hobby that take up some of the weekend and arrange to meet friends for part of the weekend on your own. Leave them to argue if they want and don't be so available, then when they blame you - I wasn't here is your prefect answer

No one’s saying that she can act how she wants to and it’s completely reasonable of her.

We’re saying that her acting like a teenager is understandable, because that’s what she is.

A fully grown adult acting like a teenager is not understandable or acceptable, because he’s not a teenager.

I wouldn’t allow my teen to act like a toddler, so why would I allow an adult to act like a teen.

Why do you think it’s acceptable for a grown adult man to stomp around and shout at his partner?

No you’re right, she’s not responsible for his reactions but she is the cause of them. I don’t agree with his reactions but he is reacting to her behaviour

Correct but that doesn’t mean the teenager gets to act rude and entitled (her mums words) and that gets ignored because someone reacts badly to her.

Well to be fair the OP did introduce this bloke into the house - so a bit rich to then fuck off and leave her kids to cope with the angry man child she inflicted on them.