Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

He is telling you he doesn't want to be with you.... What difference does it make if you think you could forgive this? He won't stop the affair, and will be off like a shot if she ever clicked her fingers.
If you are happy with him keeping a mistress then crack on, but you honestly deserve so much more than being 2nd choice in your marriage.

Op kick him out.

honestly divorce and move on.

that’s insane betrayal let them have the fairytale (it won’t be) chose you and the kids.

You know what you have to do. You are worth so much more than being with someone who is in love with another woman. Sending you the strength to do it.

I know! I can’t believe what a fool I am being! I am finding it hard to comprehend! I feel like I am just carrying on ‘normal life’ but it has to come to a head. He is refusing to talk about anything, just shuts down, says he needs more time to think about things. I said this morning, we need to make arrangements about how we move forward - he said he didn’t know what he was doing yet…. I said I might take that decision out of his hands. I’m just sat here thinking ‘what the hell am I doing, have a bit of self respect!’ Yet I’m just sat here doing nothing!

Claw back your self respect and tell him to fuck off.

Then tell her husband.

Why are you even considering staying with him? Let him go! Your marriage is over and sounds like it has been for some time, so I'd cut your losses and end it now.

Oh, and don't be vindictive and go telling the company they work for, they will only deny it and you will look like a bitter fool.

Ask him to leave, don’t degrade yourself by doing the pick me dance. This isn’t a blip, your H has clearly checked out of your marriage and will check back in out of convenience to him.

Get professional support and legal advice, you don’t have to act on the support/ advice given but forewarned is forearmed.

Honestly op I do mean this kindly please find your anger don’t let this man walk all over you.

Tell her husband and the company it will come out anyway.

I don’t know why I’m staying, I guess I just believed in the sanctity of marriage ‘for better for worse and all that’ and that once things got easier with our youngest our life would get back on track. We really did used to have a great life and so much fun together, but all that has stopped for the past 4 years…

I'm angry on your behalf. Do NOT get involved in a "pick me dance". Tell him to fuck off and get yourself some self respect and legal advice.

Tell her husband and have his bags packed ready for when she gives him a ear bashing because her life's been disrupted - the fairytale will become a nightmare once they are left to each other .

I don’t want it to be me that tells their work, but I honestly believe it will come out…. There were already rumours but I have never ever in 14 years ever doubted him.
But I don’t want it by my mouth. I want to take the high ground and be proud of my conduct through all this.

Find your anger op. I know you're shell shocked right now but you need to take control of this situation.

If he wanted to save his marriage he would be fighting for you and walking over hot coals.

He's not. He's waiting for her. Whilst enjoying the comforts of home life that you're picking up for him.

He doesn't respect you. He chose her - over you and your son.

Take control of this situation. Look at your financials and tell him to leave. She won't leave her husband and he will be begging for you back soon enough.

You deserve more than to be second choice.

I'm fucking fuming for you love

Tell him tae get tae fuck

When he arrives tell him to get a wee bit further the lying pathetic scrote

You and your children deserve better than this excuse for a man

And breathe ...

💐❤️

And you may not want it to come from your mouth - but her husband deserves to know so he can make the decision for his own life.

Why is this man still in your house? Kick him out!

I'm so sorry this has happened to you OP but it sounds like you are doing the "pick me" dance and to say this as kindly as possible, he seems to have already made his kind up but it's convenient for him to stick around at home for now. I'm so sorry OP but you need to take back control of your life and get rid. Now.

You deserve so much better than this and one day, maybe not soon, but you will realise it was the best thing you have ever done.

He’s not even making an effort with the kids so you’re not really keeping the family together. His behaviour sounds emotionally damaging towards you and the children.
If you “forgive” him then you are accepting his mistress as part of your life. I call that rolling over and not forgiving. To be forgiveness, he has to be sorry and he’s clearly not.
You know that he’s not really thinking about things, right? The marital home is convenient and he’d rather not have the cost and hassle of moving out. He’s biding time until the day that his mistress ends her marriage or they break up. That may never happen.
I think that you should start telling people about the affair. Not telling is supporting the couple and creating the false narrative that it’s your fault and shameful. It might focus his mind on acting rather than letting him live his current ideal situation of being with mistress while living at the marital home with the conveniences that brings.

What do YOU want op? You seem to be giving him all the power in this. Decide what it is YOU want, then give him a choice. He either stays and works on it, but he has to really want to do this, including being competely transparent, or he leaves. No him making his mind up etc.

You should also tell people, you need help and support. I made the mistake of protecting my ex incase we stayed together because I didn't want people knowing if it was a 'blip'. Trouble was I needed the help and support of friends and family and didn't get it. We limped along for a few more years but ultimately the relationship was fucked and we divorced:

You don't need to be the one that tells his work directly. They will figure it out soon enough when they realise that you have kicked him and it has all kicked off with the other woman's marriage.

If you wanted to help things along (although I would strongly advise you to stay out of his work business) then you post some not so cryptic posts on social media about what he has done and it will soon get around the office. However, this serves you no purpose so I personally wouldnt in your shoes.

I think that’s the thing, the life I’m holding out for can never be now.
Even if he was to ‘pick me’ the damage is done. 😔

If he splits with her then he’s not going to fall in love with you again. He’s made it clear that he’s never going to pick you and his current living location is convenience. If they split he will find new women to shag in the hope that he gets his current feelings for his mistress with one of them.

You can’t start healing until he moves out. It will be hard if he moves out but not as bad as the feelings that you’ll be feeling right now. It will be easier to accept that the marriage is over and he’s not your h any more.

That’s the thing I don’t want him to loose his job as I want him to pay my mortgage!! We’d have to move anyway as we stupidly pushed ourselves a few years ago for our ‘forever home’ and then the financial crisis happened and we are stretched to our max. Even with him carrying on paying this mortgage I couldn’t afford to maintain it on my own. So the house has to go.

This morning when I said he needed to move out, he replied that he had no where to go and couldn’t afford anywhere else. This was his house and was costing him a fortune. I replied that we couldn’t keep living together and he like dumb struck!! I said he was going to have to face the consequences of his actions….

@Everafter6
Well done for finding your voice and posting on here - that's a good first step

Now pick a RL person, just one, and confide in them

He is so arrogant. He doesn't want you, he wants her - but she won't can't leave her husband. So he'll hang around for her, and use you. What an utter wankpuffin he is.

You have been amazing, coping with family life including a disabled child, and holding it together the last couple of weeks. You are obviously a very strong woman
I'm not surprised you've been paralysed the last couple of weeks but you need to take steps now

Start by mapping the finances out - protect your interests and that of your children

Don't tell work - take the moral high ground

And don't tell her husband - he might kick her out then your useless husband will have it all his own way

We're here for you, day and night. You'll get through this 💪🏻

I’m trying not to be the ‘angry crazy wife’ it has been a very very hard few years with my youngest son and I’ve been exhausted and angry and to the point of breaking far too much. I said to my husband this week I don’t want any more anger and toxicity for my kids: I want us to be friends as we are going to be bringing our kids up together whatever happens and I don’t want a toxic relationship moving forward. But this morning when he left I was just raging!