Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

This is why he needs to go OP. He didn't have the bloody courtesy to consider any of this when he decided to have an affair with this woman. He is a very selfish man.

At the end of the day, a house is just a thing. You will build another life, a better life and have a lovely home without that cretin in it. And it will be all yours.

You can do this. I know it's scary but it will be a million times better than letting that knobhead use your house like a glorified air b n b whilst he carries on with his strumpet whilst you complexity lose yourself in the process.

You can do this.

Realistically many couples have to stay in the house at first - put it on the market (takes a while) and start divorce proceedings, it's over and you know it. No need for any thing else, keep your pride, just for now start the process, then as your dc is disabled, approach the council, state your marriage has ended and you need to get out, you can start the process even before it's sold (though I would wait until it's under offer at least) - they can advise on options including shared ownership if there's equity in your property you are selling

Thank you. I just didn’t know what to do after he left this morning. I needed to vent but felt I couldn’t speak to any of my friends and family. And then I remembered Mumsnet!

and yes I do feel paralyzed that’s exactly it!

And make notes about everything

Yes I was thinking maybe shared ownership: there are loads of new builds by us

Wankpuffin is now my word of the day. 😂

Very good advice about confiding in a trusted someone in real life. Just saying it out load and seeing someone's else's reaction can help you realise the reality of what is happening and what a complete fuckwit he really is.

To all the other posters - having a disabled son makes it harder to tell him to eff off.
I was in that boat when my sons were 1 and 3 and I did leave and it has been hard. I only managed to keep the house as my mum did free childcare for a few years as my son has autism and couldn't go to mainstream childcare.

I just thought I’d been through the hard yards with my son and not broken. And he literally is just turning a corner, he’s happy at school, we have support in place, he’s so happy and progressing…. I was so looking forward to 2024 as I thought life was going to get back on track… And now this. I think I’m just scared if I say it out loud to someone as then it’ll be real and life as I know it has to change….

I don’t necessarily think it will be for the worse in the long run, as I do everything any at and husband just works. But it’s just a lot at the moment

I agree with what others are saying but also take away his 'home comforts'. Cooking his meals, washing, including him in daily arrangements etc, start to distance yourself from him and let him know how it feels to be excluded from a relationship. Do not carry on as normal. You can be civil & you may have to live together whilst you sell the house, so becoming a stranger to him may make it a bit easier. Focus on yourself & your children & try to get some counselling if you can. I think you are wise not to tell his workplace, he probably needs to keep his job whilst it's being sorted out. Treat him like a lodger.

You can't fix this as he's not interested.

It's good you've told him not to come back this evening. Maybe get a friend to come over and talk to them ...you need real life support

He doesn't want to be with you and he is in love with another woman.

Your marriage is over. Stop marching to the beat of his drum, take back the control and leave him.

There is no coming back from this.

The site Surviving infidelity is far slower than MN but full of very considered responses. I recommend you post on there, there are people who have divorced and others that have reconciled. In the resource section of the site look at The 180. You cannot Nice your husband back. Divorce papers are more likely to win him back as his head is in the land of dopamine. Hence he hasn’t figured out where him and his Juliet could live. Or looked beyond getting his ego kibbles from this women.

Buy and read ‘not just friends’ and how to help my spouse heal from my affair. You can probably get through them both this weekend.

If Juliet hasn’t told her husband yet the advice is to call him yourself and bring him up to speed. If she is fighting for her marriage etc then she is less likely to have time to dedicate to her affair. I would do this without hesitation. But others will advise you not to. If they are still talking you will find out as he will be mad at you. If he says he fears the man will hurt him - I would have no sympathy - had he found the text surely he would have hurt him. Fear of reprisals is good. It helps us not do stupid things.

At the moment he is sat on a fence deciding if the grass is greener where he hasn’t yet had the chance to shit. You need to push him off that fence.

‘Husband I love you and would like our marriage to work and be a happy marriage. But there is one thing I fear more than losing you and that is living in infidelity. I am not prepared to live like this. At the moment I am prepared to work on our marriage but that is not an open ended offer. Getting out of infidelity is my priority now’ Then go out of the house. No further comment needed.

Your priority is to get yourself out of infidelity. Be that with him or without him. I hate to say it but it’s likely the affair has gone underground - this is extremely common.

He needs to apply for new jobs immediately if he is serious about reconciling and not rugsweeping.

You are extremely calm (it appears), that is a strength you have on your side at present so use that to speak to a solicitor asap. Infidelity can cause PTSD - so if you are calm at the minute please seek legal advice. Do not tell him HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.

I think some people can reconcile but the character traits that allow people to cheat are not the character traits required to truly reconcile. You may also find once the shock has worn off you don’t like the man that stands in front of you.
Many marriages seem to end around 2-5 years post infidelity when they realise the spouse they married was a lie. If he cannot do the work to work out why he chose to break his own vows you will not fix this.

You and the marriage did not cause this - he chose to cheat BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. No other reason. Unmet needs are nonsense. He didn’t cheat because you were cross or because you didn’t cook nicely or because he hates your friend Clare from school. He cheated because he wanted to. He left his window and door open to other people - he chose not to stop at the first hint of flirting. He chose to fan the flame. It was not an accident or a mistake. It was a choice - thousands of choices.

You need to push him off the fence. He can land on the fresh grass with his shitty personality traits that make him a man who says it is okay to cheat having a relationship with a woman who also has no integrity and doesn’t believe in fidelity. Or he can land on his own lawn and do the work to make it green. But you need to stop him dithering and that is to pull the plug yourself (which seems counter intuitive).

All the best op - remember YOU are the prize. You were in the same marriage but you held into your honesty, dignity and self respect. YOU are the prize here and don’t forget it.

OP the sanctity of your marriage is already broken by his huge betrayal. We're not talking about "drunken mistake" here.
Without commitment and actions that follow it, marriage is just a piece of paper. You don't have a relationship. He is in intimate relationship with someone else actually.
You need to have some time on your own to gather your thoughts without him influencing you.

You’re allowing him to sit and wait while his mistress decides what she wants to do. It’s all up to her.

so you’ll spend the rest of your life knowing he’s only with you because she didn’t want him enough? Wtf.

Sorry but I disagree. He's infatuated and in lust with OW and can't see the wider implications to his actions at the moment. OP and her husband, have had a challenging 4 years managing a disabled son. This has put an almighty strain on their marriage. OP is the one who has carried this mostly in bearing the brunt of caring for little one. Her husband appears to have coped with this by checking out of the marriage and subsequently found an escape by having an affair.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, so OP needs to take control whilst maintaining the moral highground. Inform her husband she intends to tell OW's husband and his work IF he doesn't move out. OP should not be complicit in her own abuse by keeping his dirty little secret. It is no shame on her he has had an affair - as this is all on him. Once reality hits to husband - living in temporary housing, losing OP, his children and family life the power and focus shifts and reality will hit home for him.

It is then up to OP to call the shots, decide if she really wants him back or finds he is no real loss and she is happier on her own.

Currently her husband is cake eating, wife at home taking care of domestic life and a stupid OW who thinks she's the bees knees so this needs nipping in the bud or will go on indefinitely. Very unfair on both OP and unsuspecting husband of OW.

If OP can show her husband just how strong and determined she is then the power radically alters the situation. No begging or compromises OP, come down on him really hard and tell others in real life. It is his shame to carry.

I think infidelity can be overcome, but only if both parties want to move forward from it and are willing to work for it. Sadly, it sounds like your husband is still infatuated with the other woman. Will the infatuation last? Probably not. Reality will set in and he’ll realise that she is not as perfect as he hoped/wished/projected and the excitement of the possibility and the illicitness will wane.
That’s when he’ll want you back. It’s a story that has played out more often than you think. He would have to, at this point, massively put in the effort to atone. You just have to decide what you ultimately want, if you’re able to trust him ever again, if you can get over the hurt and if you can bring yourself to ever fancy him again after you’ve seen how weak, disrespectful and penis led he is.

Bin him and i would be contacting her husband as he has a right to know.

This is brilliant advice.
Good luck @Everafter6 you can do this ❤️

You say your marriage vows say for better or worse, they also include the line forsaking all other too.

he told you he loves her more than he’s ever loved you, why are you keeping this all to yourself and keeping the pretence up.

put him out and reach out to friends and family. I’m also sure her husband would love to know(deserves to know) what’s been happening at work!

if my ‘dh’ did this to me everyone would know what a shit he is!

Hi op I don't normally comment on threads I just normally read them. But reading this got me angry. This is disgusting behaviour does your husband really think he can call all the shots. Basically he's telling you he will talk about this when it's convenient for him. So he's leaving you in limbo he's a disgusting excuse for a human being. I hope you leave him please don't let him dictate to you when he wants to talk about things

Get rid of him.

He broke your marriage contract the day he had sex with this OW. I'd go and see a solicitor. Get your ducks in a row, get mortgage statements to work out equity, get his pension statements photocopied, bank statements too, make sure you know where your wedding certificate is as you need that for filing a divorce. Then once I'd filed for a divorce I'd inform OW DH what she is doing. That will likely force your DH to move out and in with OW somewhere. He doesn't love you anymore. Sounds like he has never respected you. Show yourself some love and respect. Be a good example to your DC of what to do in an abusive marriage. If your DC were grown up and one of them was treated as you are being treated what would you tell them to do? There's your answer.

Your marriage vows may be "for better or for worse" but they don't say "when shagging me or when shagging someone else!"

He is behaving utterly terribly. You should definitely find your anger in all this! How dare this wanker treat you like this! How DARE he tell you he needs time to decide what he wants to do. How DARE he not feel disgusted with himself, ashamed. He should be crawling on his knees to apologise to you for the hurt he caused you (and he'd still not deserve the chance to do it again).

Good luck, Chumplady is a great online resource to help you see through the bullshit he is going to spill from his lying deceitful mouth over the next weeks and months. How DARE he!!

Yes