Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

'Why do you think his work need to know? Office relationships are allowed, even between people married to others.'
Er, well not quite. Many employers frown on or do not permit romantic relationships between staff for many reasons. Especially if one of the parties is superior to the other, or directly manages them.
It can pose real problems and disruption to the work environment and business. And it's certainly not allowed in places like the armed forces, for very good reason.
Did you not see that the OP's husband is this women's boss?
So tell them if you want, OP, it's entirely up to you, after taking everything into consideration.

Oh OP he is in mourning as his cushty we number has been exposed.

He had the ease of an affair but the comfort of home.

And why is HER marriage more important than yours?!?!

The moment he said he loved her more than he'd ever loved you, is the moment I'd have called the locksmith and bagged up his stuff.

Do not live on eggshells forgiving someone who's mind and heart is elsewhere. He's checked out and you sound like an eloquent, strong woman who deserves so much better.

The consequences to his career are obvs something he didn't care about so neither should you.

"I just want to move on and get settled in my new life. But I need him to support me. I thought he financially had to?"

I don't know your financial situation or how much your husband earns but it would be wise to have a starting assumption (especially if he has a lot of money and he is going to move in with his affair partner) that the family courts in the UK will support him in doing that and will listen favourably to a clean financial break argument for him so he gives you the minimum the child maintenance service obliges him to give you money wise and nothing more.

Then you will be pleasantly surprised if decisions are made that you are entitled to more financially than that.

He does not "support" you financially, the government through HMRC calculate how much depending on his salary he should pay you each month, and he can manipulate that.

Do not for a minute discount the idea that he is literally going to (i) see your children a lot less than you imagine he might and (ii) depending on the affair partner, have more children with the affair partner or someone else which of itself will diminish what he might be deemed to have to pay you through child maintenance. Both the family courts and supporting third party organisations (social services, schools etc) will confirm this is all right and correct. All they will be looking for is evidence that you on your own can look after your kids and if they think you cannot they will intervene and likely do something you might not like.

You need to get angry and start advocating for yourself and your kids

And you need your friends and family.

He is no longer your friend nor the man you married.

He is not invested in this marriage anymore and has made that quite clear.

So fucking what if he has nowhere else to go and it is not HIS house. Ask of his OW has a spare room........

Get your ducks in a row.

Telling your friends / family for support gets the situation to its real stage and gets you the support you need to remember you are a strong woman in control of her own life.

Appointment for an STD check.

Appointment with a solicitor.
Photograph everything and protect yourself.
He is not in your corner anymore.
Write everything down, you are likely to be in a state of shock.

Get the husband told too. There are two marriages wrecked here due for the selfish behaviour of these two.

Ask on here, you'll get brilliant support from woman more intelligent than me.

That depends what you mean really by financial support. Once separated, all he will have to give on an ongoing basis is child maintenance, and that’s if he doesn’t want 50/50.

Your marriage depending on length etc should mean you get 50% of the house equity etc but in terms of ongoing support all he will have to provide you with is child maintenance, so you will need to work out what you earn in a month and what living on that looks like, you may also be entitled to some UC so have a look at that. Technically you can “separate” while still sharing a house and you could start claiming UC if you can prove you are living as totally separate people, but that does mean from that moment on he could say “we’re separated so all you get is CMS, where’s your half of bills/mortgage” etc.

Oh really, I just assumed he had to provide for us? I need to look into all this!

He has to provide for his kids, via CMS, but he is not obliged to pay for you

"I just assumed he had to provide for us?"

No he does not "have to provide for you".
Far from it.

Please get professional advise and assume your life could very very likely look extremely different to how it looks now in the next few years.

Oh no I didn’t think for me, but for the kids? Support me in running a home, fed, clothed , child care, clubs etc. I don’t need any money for me I have very few expenses. Don’t buy unnecessary clothes, get hair done etc etc

You have a disabled child and presumably you sacrificed your career while he progressed his. That could potentially make you eligible for some spousal maintenance or greater share of the assets but you need to consult your solicitor.

He’s waiting to see if she gets the courage to leave her husband. he’d drop you in a heartbeat if she did. Harsh I know.

It’s so hard after such a long time together and the connection of having children and memories of better times but this post is so frustrating to read. Why aren’t you rooting for yourself???? Seriously. You’re just hanging about in the sidelines waiting for your husband back and he’s not interested. The only way he will be is if he gets rejected by OW and you’re his back up plan.
It’s so scary but leave him. Make some plans and just do it. You’ll have a hard year but your self respect and pride will be in tact.
Tell your friends and family. You haven’t because you know you’d look silly going back to him if it all came to a head, that’s because you would be silly to do that.

Let him throw it all away for this person who won’t leave their partner for him and watch him regret it in years to come. Please don’t take him back, root for yourself, you deserve better than this!

No.

All he HAS to pay is child maintenance. So for example if he is on 50k a year and NEVER has either child overnight, you would get around £600 per month in child maintenance from him altogether and that is his entire contribution for both kids.

So you can choose to use that towards running the house, bills etc, but the top and bottom of it is that’s all he has to give you. No extra for clubs/clothes etc- it’s a set amount a month. It will likely be nowhere near how much he currently pays towards household etc. That amount will be less if he ever has them overnight/takes care of them. It is calculated depending on his salary x

I wouldn’t ruin their careers (his) because whether you are together or not, your children will be better off with a father who can provide for them.

Get some legal advice and line your ducks up before you make any moves. This is so important.

He has fallen in love with someone else, let him go with with your dignity and self-respect in tact. What will be will be between them, but you need to be on good form for your children. And your children will appreciate that one day.

If you know where she lives pack up his shit and drop it on her doorstep with a note 'HE'S ALL YOURS!'
The Husband will find out then won't he

Seriously, he's told you that she's first and you and your Son are second

There would be no coming back from that for me I'm afraid

Get him gone

This is a really good point OP, and bare in mind that your child maintenance if he is unemployed it will be £0.

This is a key comment ⬆️⬆️⬆️

By keeping quiet you are shouldering his shame. Whatever happens next will not be helped by secrets. Tell your friends and family, so they can support you. They will know something is up and could be imagining all sorts. They may already know but don’t want to say anything either.

I had over two decades of keeping quiet about my ExHs affairs (there were several) and his abuse towards me. I kept quiet as I felt I would be judged as a poor wife and a whole host of other ridiculous reasons.

I’ve never experienced so much relief as when I did when I finally told someone. Whether you decide to split or stay is for no one other than you both, but just make sure it’s a decision you take for you, not because you worry what others think.

Ahh okay, I’ll have to look into it.

All I do is work and look after the kids as my son needs 1:1 at all times. So apart from my home I can’t see my lifestyle changing all too much! It’s just the home thing and running a house on just my income! Houses are so expensive now! And yes we have our current home but our equity won’t go far when split and trying to find somewhere new!

Yes I am avoiding friends and family, and work colleagues I can’t avoid are starting to notice. I’ve had two messages today from people checking in on me.

I said to my husband this morning, you might be able to just ignore it and carry on but I am beginning to publicly crack!

Don’t do that. It’s probably not in your interests to cash out at this point. You have no idea how much you are entitled to. The starting point is 50:50 is not accurate. Assets are split according to needs and it can take months if not years to establish that.

This is not a now decision. What you need to do now is decide if you want to stay together or split. If you are splitting then start to talk about interim finances and housing.

Unless you are in a position to buy within 6 months of a sale, having a load of capital will impact on any means tested benefits you could claim.

There are millions of men like OP's husband.

They are not invested in family life. They do not see the value of what their wife does and do not feel any obligation towards their children.

It is often pretty easy for the affair partner to get the husband (ex husband) to make seismic changes in their family without a backward glance and move in with their affair partner and do it all again.

And the system in the UK enables this often on a repeat basis. Child maintenance is a archaic system designed to prevent abandoned women and children from starving and most importantly to protect government funds against men who want to do the merry-go-round of kids again and again.

I agree with a previous poster that the OP's husband is just waiting to see whether the affair partner is going to leave her husband and if she does OP will not see her husband for dust. In the meantime the fact that the affair partner is still with her husband is the biggest aphrodisiac for the husband imaginable.

To be honest having spent the morning really thinking about things, there really is no point trying to salvage our marriage. He’s told me multiple times he’s in love with her. I need to get a grip!

And the key thing having thought this morning is that want is to be out of this house we both can’t afford and starting fresh somewhere on my own. I wish the property market wasn’t so shit!

OP please read your post and think about what advice you’d give.

Your DH has set a bomb off, it’s not your job to try and put all the pieces back together. There are times to fight for your family and times to walk away with your head held high. I truly believe in your case the second option is best. LTB

For the average couple on average to medium high salaries the only financial support that you could rely on are universal credit and Child support (unless 50:50).

If there is a big income disparity you can apply for interim support with housing costs and bills on top of this. You will need to get legal advice on whether this is possible. Sometimes it clearly isn’t.

A lot of divorcing couples are forced to live together because they simply cannot afford two homes. Which is why packing up clothes and throwing someone out can be a rash move. If he is then renting he won’t be able to afford to support you.

and thinking about it so many women I know are single mums and they manage. So I’m sure I can too. Just need to work it all out.

'Oh, and don't be vindictive and go telling the company they work for, they will only deny it and you will look like a bitter fool.'

Er...I think the truth might just 'out' in time, especially as they work for the same company!