Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

End it with your husband and put her poor husband out of his misery.

Who am I to advise but I’m so sorry. Firstly console yourself that he will learn the hard way that the grass isn’t so green on the other side.

Confronting you with this when you have a disabled child is despicable and inexcusable. I suppose one small saving grace is that at least you know something is going on even though it’s shockingly very raw at the moment.

I don’t know if he has a senior role in the business they both work for but it’s probably likely to fall on deaf ears whoever you contact there. Believe me I’ve been there.

I would tell him that you will contact her husband if he (or her) doesn’t do it. He should not be kept in the dark. Do it anonymously unbeknown to your OH if that is a better way.

Speak to a close and trusted friend if you find it’s getting on top of you.

Remember you have agency in your own life @Everafter6 .
You really don't have to wait for him to tell you the woman from the office said yes/no. That is a cruel punishment no partner deserves.
He has told you he loves her. What more do you need?
I do understand financially it is not that easy, there will be some amount of time before anything is legally settled and during that time you may have to live under the same roof. Be ready for that.
If you have been raising your children single handedly then you have all the strength you need to do this next bit 💐

I'd tell him to fuck off. You can't do the 'pick me ' dance. He can't pick her because she won't leave her husband. I'd make the decision for her and tell her husband myself.

@FairyMaclary speaks so much sense and gives fantastic advice for the OP or anyone going through the same or similar👌

Don’t threaten to tell her husband. Either do it or don’t do it. A threat will mean ow warns her husband about crazy lady ‘my boss has a crazy wife who has serious mental health problems. She has issues with him employing female staff in the office and had it out for Mary last month. She was shouting and screaming apparently in the car park’. Then when you tell him, ow appeases him. Another tale as old as time.

Tell him or don’t tell him. But don’t threaten - it makes you look like the bad guy. Your husband will be writing you down as the bad guy already to justify his poor choices. It’s what they do to stop cognitive dissonance. (Assuming he’s not a serial cheat).

Your husband is not your friend, that’s why this is hard, your natural confident is the one stabbing you in the back.

I am sorry for what you are experiencing, dear OP. It is really hard. You say you have a disabled child: in my experience, people who have a disabled child find it very difficult to separate, for various practical reason, other than whether it is right or wrong for you to separate as a couple.
It obviously depends on the disability of your child, its degree and the future forecast. In your heart of hearts, although you may not want to discuss it, you know that dealing with a disability may become harder and heavier than it already is.
It may be that the disability is for life, and that, unconsciously, you believe that in the future, your child will need more of the other parent.
Having a disabled child is hard, and your husband, with his fancying a woman at work, who " cannot leave her husband " (how useful), may be just in sheer denial.
He may be just saying: " I cannot deal with the disability, but I cannot leave a disabled child".
Nothing wrong with you , my dear.
He is just trying to shift his sense of helplessness onto you.
How very immature.
Do you want him?

You're still in shock that's why.

OP, you are so much better than how this POS is treating you... please kick him out. I know it's hard to let go. But he has no respect for you.

After chatting to you all and reading your comments I 100% think I am just paralyzed and in shock!

I Genuinely genuinely thought he’d never do this to me (I know everyone does) but he’s not wired that way- well obviously he is! I do think / know it’s just the years of me caring for our son and him not coping very well with having a disabled child that has driven us apart. He’s buried his head in the sand and just carried on his life leaving me to it. And it’s been tough really tough.

I genuinely genuinely have no idea how I feel about him. As I’ve said we’ve not had a proper relationship for years and I do take blame for that. But I was ready in 2024 to see if we could get that back….. and now this.

But it’s been two weeks now and it’s taking it’s toll on me physically and mentally….

Honestly wish I could just give you a big hug. What a horrible situation he's put you in

Maybe it’s time to tell the husband. Best case scenario for you is he moves out to be with her . Worst case scenario for you is he blames you for her dumping him in favour of her husband.

Either way it sounds like you should put the house on the market.

I don’t think the way you are reacting is unusual. You have just found out some pretty life changing news. It has been a huge shock and is extremely hurtful.

If I were in your shoes, I would take all the time I needed to lick my wounds and decide what I wanted/needed going forwards. I would do that independently of my DH.

I’d ask him to move into the spare room or sleep on the sofa. And then when I was ready and had a plan I would take action. But not before.

There is no rush for you to make any decisions. Coming to terms with what you have found out and the fact that your future may not look like how you imagined will take time.

Yeah it’s shit really really shit and I’m just so sad it’s come to this. 😢 I thought we’d been through the hard bit and now it’s going to get worse before it gets better.

I’m not a hugger but I so need a hug right now and want my mum! But I’m scared to tell her as I know how much it will impact her. She’s currently living her best life and I know she will have to be my main support, I know emotionally it will drain her.

You will never trust or respect him again. You probably won't even like him again.

It sounds like he's told you he only hasn't left you because he can't go to her. If that was me I'd tell him to leave anyway. You deserve to be someone's first choice, not who they come home to so they aren't alone.

I would possibly be able to forgive. But I couldn't forget he had decided he loved someone enough that he'd leave if she was single and therefore I couldn't live with it. I'd rather be alone than wondering if today was the day he'd leave for her.

And set the right example for your DC. It's OK for a relationship to be over when the love is no longer enough.

I’m an absolute roller coaster of emotions !

On one hand I want to give him a chance as he’s my husband and the father of my children and we were amazing once upon a time. I want to give us I thought we’d be a chance..

and then I’m sad so sad that he’s done this now when we were so close to getting another shot

and then I’m angry that he could do this and lie and lie and lie all winter and prioritize her over our children

and then I just think he’s pathetic for being so obsessed with this woman! It’s like a teenage crush! (I read some of their messages)

and then I’m angry again that I’m going to have to give up my home and will struggle financially after the life we have built together

and then I’m angry that I can’t tell anyone and that when I do a whole can of worms will open once everyone starts having their two Pennie’s worth.

And then I’m angry of how very selfish he continues to be…. I can’t believe it all still continues to be about protecting him and her! WTAF!!!

I’m exhausted.

Yes that’s exactly what I said to him this morning….
“If she is ‘the love of your life’ and you love her more than you ever loved me then that’s your answer. I am not having a life of you wishing you were with her And being second best. I want a life with my best friend, husband and someone who is all in with me! That’s the least I deserve.”

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

Why do you think his work need to know? Office relationships are allowed, even between people married to others. The employer isn’t going to do anything other than view this as harassment of a staff member.

If you think it will get them into trouble, this would only apply if they were abusing their positions, he could lose his job. How does that help you?

All you are doing is setting off a bomb in the hope it will make you feel better. Which it won’t. At best it will create more of a mess. The same with telling her husband. You get into a bigger mess. Which is great if you want to avoid the actual mess you need to sort out.

Your marriage is over. He doesn’t have the feelings for you he should have. Sounds like you don’t have the right feelings for him. You are probably together because of the children which is why you haven’t confronted the problems before.

You are still going to be co parents and that is a difficult enough path to navigate without all these truth bombs going off. You have a divorce to get through and that is a difficult process made worse and far more expensive by being at each others throats.

You are splitting up. There’s a lot of shitty things you can do to him and her. But there are a lot of shitty things they can retaliate with. Like not paying the mortgage regardless of keeping his job. If he does lose his job, not mortgage and no child support.

@Everafter6 give yourself a break. Take some time to process all your emotions.

His priority is protecting them, that much is clear. But it's not yours. Your priority is protecting yourself and your DC. Feel what you need to feel and say what you need to say, to him and anyone else that feels appropriate.

If people find out about them from elsewhere, that's not your problem. I totally understand not wanting it to be from your mouth, and to an extent protecting his job as he still has your DC together to support. But his actions will have consequences and your job is not to stop those consequences. He should have considered them all properly before following through on any desires/urges/wants with anyone else.

Stop looking after him and his feelings. Look after you and yours.

I've been where you are. It's hard, very hard. You will go through all the feelings you do with grief. I think you are in shock at the moment. I thought I'd get over it and stayed for a while. Bought the books, etc. But the affair continued (or resumed - not sure which). I'm ten years on and am much better off now but it's still hard knowing how much someone I trusted deceived me (and also the subsequent gaslighting and emotional abuse). And also the life that I thought I was going to have has turned out so different. You can and will move on. You are strong but it will be difficult and you will have dark days. Reach out as much as you can for support. See a solicitor now for advice and sort out your financial position as soon as you can.

As well as arranging a lawyer for yourself, that you don't tell him about, get yourself a good counsellor to help you to navigate this.

It's unlikely you can ever go back to what it was but with the right help you can move forward positively for you and the kids.

You're in shock right now but the disgust will kick in and you'll want to draw your boundaries,

Please confide in your mum, you need her support.

I agree with what others are saying but also take away his 'home comforts'. Cooking his meals, washing, including him in daily arrangements etc, start to distance yourself from him.
So this.