Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

not read the whole thread or relevant messages about telling the company that OP's husband is having an affair but i would not bother doing that.

Ironically it will actually add fuel to the fire and make their union even more bitter sweet if they have to battle to be together on the work front as well as the home front and you will have enabled that side of the story. Don't bother. Its very very likely other people at their work know anyway, someone always does.

This is absolutely right OP.

Lots of people do it, it’s harder financially of course to suddenly be a one income household rather than a two income household, but I have 2 friends who were in a similar position and both of them say that even though they now struggle financially- they’d still rather that than be sharing their life with someone who doesn’t love them. x

Yes having looked at the rental market it’s terrifying!

Husband is on about 100k I’m on about 30k when we met we were on the same. About 50k. He’s climbed the slippery career ladder whilst I have stepped down and raised his kids. But I have always worked part time. I was always middle management even part time, until a year ago where I have dropped my management due to my sons needs.

OP, please read what some people have said on here, there's a lot of people who've been through similar. You've said in your original post that you work - is this full-time? Have you considered legal advice to work out what your position might be after any divorce? Please don't sit back and let him dictate the terms - he's checked out and you need to accept this and make your plans accordingly. Could you ever trust him again, even if he decided to stay? Would you want to live that way?💐

I know the past few years have been hard for you with a disabled child. You have not spent much time as a couple. So because of this he is not getting the same attention from you. He has an affair with married woman and he is her boss.

He is back in your home and going around pissed off because you found out. I would not play the pick me dance because he has shown no remorse in what he has done. For him to say we be together but she is married just shows what a piece of scum he is.
You need to tell a good friend or your mother what has happened as you need some real life support. You need to get all your financial information together including his pension details and make an appointment with a solicitor. You need to find out where you stand when you divorce. I would also check with citizens information are you getting any benefits that your entitled to.

I know your current home is costing you a lot a month due to the interest rate rises. You need to get the house valued and work from their. Even if you end up in a smaller house I would stay near your disabled child's school if they are settled and happy their.

I would not threaten to tell her husband about his wife's affair. Would it be a pity if your best friend decided to tell him what she has been up to?

The truth is your husband and her decided to get involved with each other. Now it time for them to find out the reality of the situation they both created.

Yep solicitors next week on my day off. I can’t do it today I’m too exhausted. Keep trying to sleep but head is spinning!

OP sometimes when your stuck in the moment it’s hard to see clearly, take a step back, imagine it was your best friend, your sister, your daughter in your position - what would you tell them to do. Forgiving him is pointless he has checked out, he wants her and what he said to you about loving her more is incredibly cruel, he is beyond forgiveness and most definitely not worthy of it. I wouldn’t tell his work but I would track down her husband and fill him in - blow her life up too.

so sorry you are having to go through this. He does need to leave, even if money is tight I am sure he would be able to find the funds for a cheap bedsit or he could lodge with someone while you sell you house - not that that is your concern, he made his bed he can bloody well lie in it!

be strong, hold your head up

If it was me:

• I'd get legal advice
• File for divorce
• I'd inform her husband - might be contraversial but sorry THEY caused this mess not you and he has a right to know.
• I'd also send an anonymous email to the CEO of that company regarding this too.
• Oh, and I'd kick him out and have no contact with him except via lawyers.

Sorry if I sound like an arsehole, but that's because where this kind of thing is concerned I would be one. I'd be his worst nightmare to be quite honest and I'd ruin his fucking life and hers.

I think that’s why I’m scared of telling my two best friends… they would be like you- absolutely raging! And one in particular would probably end up getting arrested for her actions! 😂😂

Yes I don’t currently feel the need to tell their work or her husband. I want to have clean hands in all this so I can hold my head up high for my actions throughout all this…. I have no doubt it will come out. It has to- but it will not be from me.

I also thought I was entitled to some of his pension? Sure I’ve seen that previously online…

Yeah you may be, pensions are classed as marital assets and can be split, how much you may get is depending on lots of things such as length of marriage, how many years you have left of working, how many he has etc.

That goes to your pension pot, so not liquid cash in the sense of getting you set up somewhere else for example.

Sorry OP 😟

It sounds like you're the primary cater for the children so could well get the bigger chunk of equity. Get half the savings into your own account asap before he hides/spends it and see if you can find his pension statement as you can ask for half of that in cash. Should be a few quid there. He'll also be liable for a hefty maintenance contribution every month on 100k... you'll be fine, in all ways, you're a warrior and you already know it. Fuck him x

That's a terrible thing to happen, but for what it's worth you seem really great from your posts!

Argh your husband has such dreadful main character energy; constructing himself as some kind of star-crossed lover with all the self pity and no thought for the people he's hurting.

I honestly don't see how you could ever find him attractive again after that kind of attitude and behaviour.

You’re right but the ruining of their careers is their fault. I don’t know about others but I would be very surprised if the cat isn’t already firmly out of the bag. People think they hide affairs so well but they rarely do as good a job of it as they think.

All the more reason @Everafter6 for you to seek support from those around you. There’s no shame for you to carry and psychologically it’s better for you than trying to contain it. You’re also entitled to decide the narrative among those you know. He is playing the waiting game and you deserve better. 💐

I have been where you are, my husband met his "soulmate" at work, she too was considerably younger. Even after she moved away it took me a long time to call it a day but when I did I was content I had processed everything. There is no set time to sort things out but I do look back and think I could have got things done quicker.
In practical terms look at the www.turn2us website for a benefit check as it's likely as a single parent on your wage with a disabled child you would be entitled to universal credit. And universal credit disregards child maintenance as income too.
I wish you well and whilst it may be tough now, it will be better not having to deal every day with an idiotic selfish husband. My ex and I are amicable for the kids but deep down I know he's a dick. And yes, don't forget pension sharing as part of the divorce.

I am 100% the primary carer for the children, I do all the school runs etc in the week he is barely home before kids bed time. He does do a lot with the older one on the weekends but very very very little with the younger special needs one

Two reasons you're responding as you do...
1 -Shock. Hard to make any sensible decisions
2 - Nature. You're hardwired to cling to that man who helps you raise your children.
How to get over the above...
Anger.
Get really, really angry. How dare he do this to you? How dare he come back to your home daily? Anger will make you strong.
Solicitor
See a lawyer, work out your entitlements and how you are going to manage alone. Because you will. That knowledge, when it dawns, will give you even more strength.
Advice...
Go for a short, sharp shock. Don't let him drag it out. He's betrayed you. He's also been horribly cruel. Get rid.

Good luck.

You are not a walkover. You have had a big shock and it takes time to process. Neither are you fool and you definitely shouldn't be waiting for him to decide what he is doing ! What an arrogant pig thinking he's in charge.

My h wold me he's had an affair only when her husband tracked me down to tell me. My h told me minutes before the letter arrived. I stayed as I thought I couldn't manage without him and my children were 10-14 and I didn't want their lives turned upside down and ruined. I was in shock for five years. It made me poorly.

Eight years later I am divorcing him for something he said that is unforgivable and so so painful. The kids are now 18-22 and have been incredible. They are supporting me, disgusted with him and he's turned into someone I no longer know.

My advice is to take advantage of any guilt from him. Get money. Get the house in both names at least if it is just in his or maybe signed over to you. Get all paperwork gathered up.

Ultimately he has to make it so you want to stay, not you waiting for him to decide he wants you. Or else you leave. You can do this and it is never as bad as one thinks beforehand.

What an arsehole! I'm livid for you.

When times got hard, he let you get on with it, didn't support you, and started scouting the market to build a new dream life without you and your children, including a disabled child in it? And now he's taking the fact that she hasn't left her husband out on you by being spiteful and as hurtful as possible!!!

He's really scum of the earth, isn't he?

Yes, you had nice times before, but it's easy to have nice times when everything's going swimmingly. He's shown his true colours now.

You need really good legal advice. The fact that you are the main caregiver and that you will be the one looking after your son with extra needs and that you have had to step back in your career, limiting your future earnings too, should hopefully mean negotiating up from 50 per cent if you have a good person on your side.

You should also get carers element if you claim UC if your youngest is on Middle Rate Care or above DLA. And if you have shared custody you may even get some time to yourself.

Yes my son gets High Rate Care and Low Rate Mobility. I’ll look into Universal Credit. I need to start making a list!

Even though he pays all the mortgage it’s in both our names

You won't be able to sell the house without him agreeing but you can get it valued.

This! ⬆️
I agree with you about not telling the company,but I would deffo tell her husband.

It's time to tell your mum and your friends. You need their support.