Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

Don't take the moral high ground. You have it already because he is the cheating git!

Tell his work, tell everyone what a scumbag he is, kick him out and divorce him!

Ever heard the phrase, "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"

Reclaim your self respect

Tonight I’ve bought myself some jewellery I had ear marked for maybe valentines/ my birthday! And looking at new hair colours!

Well done OP. Amazing strength...total respect!

Good for you! You 100% deserve this!

Kick him out. Tell her husband & tell their work. F*ck them.

Well done OP your doing the right thing.

One comment however that stood out was your husband is a high earner and you say he has no savings because he spends everything but you don't have joint savings so how do you know?

I would be gaining as much information as you can on his personal accounts both by you at home and your solicitor and unless you can see where he spends I would assume alot of assets or he's paying highly into 'his' pension which remember you have some entitement too.

Keep going! We are all cheering you on

My gran used to Say don’t let the b……..s grind you down !
Looking after yourself Is essential, I’m so glad you are gathering the strong amazing women in your family to support you.

My other - random thought was wondering if it was worth talking to your Social worker - you said you got respite about these new developments. They could potentially increase your respite and the support they can offer.
Many offer a sibs group to do fun activities with siblings who have a disabled Bro/sis.
This might be useful later x
There are also adapted holiday cottages schemes across the UK which might help you all

OP I'm so pleased to read your recent posts.

You will get help from UC if you earn a low wage which as you say, you're part time due to one child's additional needs.

Don't forget that as well as your wage, UC, child benefit, etc you'll be having as income, he will also need to pay child maintenance from his hefty salary. Seems unlikely he will go after 50/50 time with the kids, and that will be reflected in what amount of maintenance he has to pay.

You will be fine in the long run. Lean on your trusted people and do NOT trust him. Don't tell him anything about getting your ducks in a row. Nothing!!

Try to find out about any pensions or savings if you can do so discreetly. All that income he either has savings of his own, a big pension, a spending problem, or all of the above!! 🤦 None of them are great but the money is going somewhere and it's knowledge that it's better to have now and know about, especially if he's got a lump of savings or a big pension etc.

I admire your stance on not wanting to out him at work. I agree it's probably best from a financial point of view! It would take me a lot of self restraint emotions wise but I agree I'd probably do the same in this scenario as he's in a predicament really if he's her boss then he has potentially put his job at risk. He's an idiot all round really isn't he. 🙄

Just curious as to why you say to not say he is not your friend?

Ring up the universal credit help line, explain everything to them and you have to wait for your house to sell ect, the may give you housing cost of your half of the mortgage, I'm not sure.
But you have two dependents so will get benefits aside from the housing element.

Nothing is paid towards a mortgage. I had to claim when I got made redundant (when the interest rates were v low) and all I could claim was something like £20 a month towards the interest, as the repayments were very low compared to most. Frankly, it wasnt worth the arsing around to claim it, but depending on the OP's mortgage it might be worth her doing.

She can’t kick him out.

And if he gets fired that doesn’t help her at all.

We lease a car. It breaks they replace it.

our boiler is insured. It breaks we have emergency coverage and they’re out within 48 hours repairing it.

Do you not get it at all? We don’t need savings. We have more than enough cash each month to cover it and limitless access to debt if for some reason there was something we don’t have covered. A debt that we can easily play off the next month.

Be careful thinking like that. A lot of insurers will find ways around having to pay out. In the recent storms our roof was damaged. The insurers claimed the winds were not recorded high enough in our area to meet the storm criteria and refused to pay out. They use the average of the area, nothing specific to where we are at the top of a hill etc where they were recorded over 60mph.

Home/Roof repairs are unlikely to be something most people can "easily repay" in one month. There are things that happen that are not covered by an insurance policy. And accessing "limitless" debt is a very scary way to live life.

@AnneValentine Ha no I don't get it at all, that's why I was asking. I have no concept of what it's like to have that kind of income, I don't move in those circles, I assumed having three months' worth of savings was generally something to aspire to.

All this money doesn't seem to be making you very happy lol.

Glad you're feeling positive. You are being cheered on.

Remember too that he is likely to be the benefactor of his parents' estate when they die. I don't know their ages, so cannot tell how likely this is in the near future. I mention it because I do know a divorce case where the husband, a multiple adulterer, did not declare that he also owned his mother's house plus other riches from her estate. He was the one who filed for divorce in fact.

Actually, mentioning the above, it crossed my mind, he isn't putting his extra cash into property is he? Again I know of a bar*d who was buying not one but several houses which he said were on his business account but were owned by him, being done-up and rented out without his wife's knowledge. He hid it as 'part of work' and she had no idea property was involved.

Gosh yes, this is so true. When everything came to light, STBXH said OW has an abusive husband. I asked if her husband was physically violent towards her, and STBXH said, without a hint of irony, that her husband is manipulative and controlling. Talk about jumping out of the frying pan into the fire!

I suspect that the real reason that they think this is that OW has said "I cant leave him he is abusive, he has threatened XYZ...." and the fucking muppets believe it.

Cheaters cheat because they enjoy the thrill but still want the happy home life. Why would she leave her husband? She would have uproot (or even possibly lose) her kids, find a new home, pay for it all on her own instead of having two incomes and somehow still try to find time to fit in the fun shagging and nights out she has with her AP. Far better to have her cake and eat it too.

My ex.husband had an affair.

In my case the OW said her husband ‘forced her’ to tell him…course he did...she was frightened me and my husband would work through it.

Anyway, my husband was the most selfish man as far as his role as a dad. He couldn't share, it was always all about him. In his excuse about his affair he said ‘family life is not for me’ ( except for occasionally taking the OW and our young children out together whilst I was at work, covering by giving OW different name).

So in seperating, I put together a shared childcare plan, showing his turn and mine. When it was his turn, I took joy in having time for me, having time to meet friends, dress well etc.

He HATED it. He hated having childcare responsibilities, he hated having to move his life around. He disliked that I had some freedom.

The arrangements were kept tight, never enough to tip into him wanting 50/50, but enough for him to have to be responsible.

I know you have a child with needs, which may make this more complicated, but I would be working towards, putting in a transition where your DH learns to look after your DC’s, they are supported to build a relationship and are ready for regular sole care.

Enjoy some freedom!

You are my personal hero <3

I want to give you a huge hug you brave woman.