Help! Husbands affair

[Everafter6]

Help!

I don’t know what I’m fecking doing… I found out my darling husband of 12 years (together 14) has been having an affair. But not only that ‘they have a connection, they are the same, he loves her more than he ever loved me’ was what he said when I found out- nice…. But alas they can’t be together as she can’t leave her husband!

So the day I found out - (messages on his phone, ) he didn’t come home and got a hotel for the night, the next night he came home … ‘I’m sorry it has to be you, it has to be us… blah blah blah….

Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. Weekends are very busy with family life.

Now here’s the other rub, they work together, he’s her boss. If it gets out this potentially has huge consequences for both their careers….. I have not told a soul what has happened as I am carrying on in a daze. I went to work the same day, have just carried on….. If we were to get back together I wouldn’t want anyone to know about this blip in our marriage, (as in the big scheme of things 10 weeks in 14 years together) I know I could forgive….. but it’s breaking me! I know he wants her more than me, but is staying as they can’t be together…..

She was signed off sick for two weeks ‘stress’ poor love, hard work being an adulterer hey! And she’s back in work today. I am led to believe it’s the first time they’ve seen each other in two weeks (but who know my husband works very long hours and is a liar!!)

I’ve said to my husband that I don’t want him to come home tonight and he needs to speak to professionals (counseling to process things) and decide what he wants to do.

I am just so shell shocked that I am being such a walk over!

I know I am doing it for our family and for the future I thought we had.

To be honest our relationship wasn’t great. And it hasn’t been for a few years - our youngest son is disabled and I dedicate most of my energy to him. We can’t go on holiday due to his needs, can’t have family days out, , family meals out, rarely have time together / dates nights. But that I thought was starting up again as we now have respite and support for our family. We had two nights out together this winter and a lunch date and spa day… I thought we were working towards being ‘us’ again…. Clearly not.

I don’t know why I am being such a walk over!
I can’t speak to anyone and feel if I do it will blow up and create a whole heap of mess I am not ready for!

Help! I need some advice

'It has to be you, it has to be us' what a load of rubbish.He obviously got knocked back from her and decided that he will make a go of it with you.

Don't be second best.
There will be a way to move forward without him.

You are a strong person and deserve better.

Op you can’t and won’t be able to make a decision today even if he was on bender knee begging for forgiveness. The true rollercoaster has to end and that takes 2-5 years. Yes - Years.

All you can do is seek advice legally (if you can manage it). Get real life support (friend, relative, here, other sites, individual counsellor). Eat if you can - protein shakes if you can’t. Drink water. Exercise daily - force yourself to exercise. And push husband off the fence by removing yourself from his charade. Rediscover old hobbies. Journal daily.

Until he has done the work, being honest and worked out his whys you CANNOT fix your marriage. You can rugsweep but not fix.

Your priority is you and your child. Write down your values and stick by them during this awful time. That will help you preserve your self esteem. Because you can hold your head up high. Do not think you are in any way responsible. If you were the most horrid wife ever he had choices. Chatting up Laura in accounts was never going to fix any perceived marital issues.

Have you read The Script? His behaviour is the same as all other middle aged married cliches. it’s secret and hidden and filling his kibble jar. Love is making the right choices, not snogging someone else’s boyfriend behind the bike shed.
Pathetic is a good word. And that feeling ‘you are pathetic’ is one of the reasons that even if he is on bended knee begging forgiveness you cannot say you will reconcile. You don’t know if that feeling ‘you are pathetic’ will grow or if he can do enough fixing of himself to make you think ‘I now like who I am married too’.

So look after yourself. You are your priority.

Also I've been in your situation. I didn't want to tell anyone in case we got back together and everyone thought badly of him.
When I did finally telll my friend about it I felt such relief and felt more in control.

It would be completely different if he had an awakening of all he stood to lose when found out and begged for your forgiveness but he is TELLING you he loves her more than he ever loved you.. FFS! You are blaming yourself for this affair because you were raising a disabled child almost singlehandedly.. he should take the blame for that aswell. You are not telling anyone because you want to forgive him and move on and no one to know.. at least tell your mam or close friend and get some decent advice. You need to have some self respect and tell him where to go.. I'm really sorry to be blunt but he has told you she is the one he really wants and you cannot live your life being his fall back.

What advice do you need? He loves someone else
Find some self respect

I really hope you plan to tell her husband, this really isn't fair on him.

Not read the whole thread but I have read the OP.

First of all OP
It is so horrible.
I have been through this. However I would not presume/assume that your situation and my situation are the same.
But having been through it and come out the other side (living alone with my kids) I can say categorically that your marriage is over. This paragraph is enough for me to know that without any shadow of a doubt. If you are tempted in any way (whether because of something your husband says or does or (just as likely) because you don't want to let go of the last 14 years for which I cannot blame you) none of these things will change the fact your marriage is over.

I urge you to think about yourself, your own best interests, the interest of your children. Do not believe anything your husband says. Everyone is different but I would also advise that you and your husband do not live under the same roof at least for the meantime to give you clarity to see things as they really are.

"Two weeks on he’s still really distant, still really protective of his phone, has told me he’s ‘not feeling it’ …. me and him he means. Has made no extra effort with family life, just works then sits and has his tea, stares at the tele, does more work, goes to bed. "

You need to find your anger. He's done this to your kids too.

A couple of things you need to do. I'm advising to leave this cretin but if your going to need to shock him into the consequences to really pull himself out of his own arse. The fact he thinks he gets to choose what he's going to do... Honestly!

Get an std test and don't sleep with him
Meet with a solicitor for divorce advice (even if it's not your intention... Knowledge is power)
Make copies of all financial information, certificates and passports
Do not tell him you are doing any of this.
Tell him after you have instructed a lawyer that he will be hearing from them.
Look into CMS

Get yourself over to the survivinginfidelity website.
A wealth of knowledge over there.

I’m so sorry to hear about this OP. I’ve been in a similar situation but it was pre-kids. I can really relate to what you say though about being in shock & in a daze.I remember telling friends that my ex-boyfriend had ended things as he was having an affair & they were shocked about how reasonable I was being. They kept saying I needed to get angry & I regret now that i didn’t. I even ended up consoling him- I mean wtf?!!! I became depressed not long after & I think I held on to a lot of emotions as I didn’t want to seem unreasonable or crazy. But I wish I’d let my feelings out! Your husband sounds like a coward to be honest & a weak man, particularly what you say about your disabled DC. Don’t ever apologise for prioritising your DC, a good husband would understand & support you. Sorry you are going through this.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP.

I am usually on the side of trying, especially when young kids are involved, but in your instance I wouldn’t. Purely because he has actively told you the only reason he hasn’t left is because she won’t leave her husband.

That means you could torture yourself for the next 6 months trying to forgive him and move past it, and actually she could then decide to leave her husband and yours will be gone anyway, you’ll be stuck looking back wondering why you bothered.

You need to look realistically at your options, of course you can choose to stay if you want to, but if you do then you need to realise there aren’t going to be any grand gesture apologies or additional effort etc, because he’s not sorry, and as he’s told you he doesn’t want you- he wants her- he has no motivation or reason to keep you sweet. Decide if that is what you want for yourself.

There is also though the financial side, divorce doesn’t have to be expensive and you may well get CMS but that won’t cover his half of a mortgage/bills, so I think either way its time to get those ducks in a row and see what your options may be x

My heart goes out to you OP. Can I advise you from someone 28 years down the line from where you are now? (I am sorry this is so long.)

Husband had affair - kids a bit older than yours - with someone who was temporarily in the country from another European country. She went back at the end of her visit, they had agreed that he would move over there with her (he didn't speak a word of the language). When she got home she changed her mind and went back to her boyfriend. Husband devastated and told me about the affair at that point. Almost the same thing - he loved her but couldn't have her.

I asked for space - he managed a couple of days with a friend before coming back. Refused to go to his parents, we couldn't afford another place for him (he wasn't working). He was quite belligerent with me at one point. I remember him saying "Well what do you want to do?" I said I obviously couldn't have what I wanted (separation) because he wouldn't co-operate with it.

So he had to pretend to be nice and ask for a second chance. No MN in those days, so I gave in - for the kids etc etc. We didn't tell either of our families. I confided in a couple of friends - but not close friends who knew him too. I felt very isolated and second best - for 8 years. And then he decided he was leaving anyway, when HE was in a better position. We divorced and he remarried within 6 weeks and moved abroad. He wasted 8 years of my life.

My parents were devastated. Had they known, they would have supported me emotionally and financially as much as they could. The thing is, his family and friends seem to think he was a hell of a guy to wait until the kids were older teens - I actually think that was worse for them. And what about me? I am not a difficult person - why should he be congratulated for staying with me? It should be the other way round. I have never been in a relationship since (20 years) - that was the damage he caused.

There were difficulties in our marriage on both sides - I don't blame him for leaving, I blame him for having an affair, staying with me when he didn't love me and depriving me of the chance to find someone else before all the spirit went out of me. He is happy now (so I believe) - there is no Karma, so you need to look after yourself.

Had MN been around 28 years ago, my life would have been SO different. Don't let yourself be diminished by him, please tell your mother and get her input.

Oh OP you're carrying on as normal because it's a shock response, and you know as soon as you tell someone then it becomes real and you need to take action.

Your love for your kids is what shines through your post. And you're right, you need to stay friendly with him for their sakes. I think you'd be better off divorcing and being coparents. Otherwise resentment will build and build.

I could forgive a very remorseful husband for an affair, if he showed me he loved me and it was a blip. But I couldn't - and wouldn't want to - forgive this. Him saying he loves her more and would leave if she were game is just cruel and shows he doesn't have any respect for you. Don't play the pick me game.

And call your mum! She will understand. Mums have seen more than we credit them with in my experience, give her the opportunity to support you and give you a big hug. If you stay together then I'm sure she'll understand, don't let protecting him and shit shit behavior stop you from getting the support YOU need. Imagine if your children were going through this, your best life would be flying to their side to help them. Call your mum!

What a selfish prick.

Keep adding with the dignity you have been, but you have to leave him. No one deserves to be second best.

Good luck!

@kittylion2 what a moving post, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Wishing you future strength and happiness.

You're absolutely right to point out how devestated loving parents are to not know what's going on. Nothing on this scale, but i concealed a semi abusive relationship from my parents for years, only telling them when I needed to stay round after he turned violent one night. They were devestated too, not that it had happened, but that I hadn't told them and asked for help earlier. My DC are only small but the thought of them struggling alone even with small problem at school without coming to me is heartbreaking, I imagine that feeling never goes away even as they become adults.

OP at the minute you're putting your kids first. Your husband is putting himself first. You'll feel so much better confiding in someone who will put YOU first, and I'll wager you'll get a lot of clarity from talking it through with someone like your mum who really loves you and genuinely wants whats best for you.

He made the decision to disrespect you and betray you. Don't let him be the one to make the decision to call it a day or take you back. Know your worth and politely ask him to leave. You deserve so much better.

My husband has also recently been having an affair with the girl he manages, it has been going on for a while but they 'love each other'. Whilst it has broken me and made me question every judgement I have ever made, I know I'm a better person and he doesn't deserve me. He left last week and I have stood in the way of that, Iv felt utter heartbreak but I am learning to separate the man who I married to this liar that stood in front of me.

Message him and say ‘I’ve contacted a real estate agency, I don’t see how we can afford to keep the house. Congratulations on taking your child’s home.’
piece by piece you will find your path.

It is probably to his advantage that the house is sold. It is probably very disadvantageous for the OP. So if he welcomes this offer and calls her bluff the OP would be forced to back down.

To be honest we’d need to sell the house, we couldn’t afford it separately. We have a huge mortgage and running costs are very high. Have just contacted a local estate agents to get the ball rolling

Be prepared though, because in my experience once you start taking control and being proactive to move forwards they don't like it. Whilst my husband has happily moved in with eight week affair in a rented flat together, he gets insulted each time he sees that I'm trying to move on. He doesn't like the loss of control and now threatens me with court for my child, which is laughable. It's the only thing he can hold over me. He's moved out with her but hasn't taken any of his shit.

Stand your ground, try really hard to not let him see you hurt and journal everything.

Yes I’ve decided not to tell him about the estate agents. And will call a solicitor next week on my day off to discuss. I need to get practical.
I think he’ll just bury his head in the sand again this weekend (mourning the loss of his girlfriend no doubt!) So I might just let him so I can get organised! Realistically it looks like he might have to stay until we sell the house (if that’s what people do now? I guess with the current cost of living that might be more common)

God I’m all over the place and feel sick !! How is this my fecking life!!

Tell her husband;then send an anonymous letter to your husbands line manager telling them.

Lawyer up and protect yourself and your children;screw him;he can live with the consequences of his actions especially after telling you he loves her more than you;don't play the "pick me" game with him;pick yourself and your self respect.

Well done for contacting the estate agent.

Look into child support maintenance payments.

Look into any extra support you can get from social services/school with childcare especially for your child with special needs. Having said that assume that social services primary goal is to protect funding so they will ultimately just look to you to prove to them that you can look after your children alone without input (or even any input at all) from the father of your children. If you show them you cannot do that expect social services to be unhelpful towards you.

In terms of financial settlement through the family courts depending on how much your husband earns, expect the courts to look to see whether your husband can move in with and start a family with his affair partner and/or another partner. The courts will try to facilitate a clean break for your husband so he can have children with other people - it is what the courts do.

Sorry if this sounds cruel and brutal but it is true.
That is why I urge you sincerely to start getting angry, fight for yourself and your kids and assume your husband is going to do you over (he has already to be honest but third parties will help him with whatever he plans to do with his future and you should be prepared for that).

I really feel for you. Please find your anger.

He has had ages to think about all this - you have just had it sprung on you. No wonder you are in shock. Why can't she leave her marriage? Would she have a choice if her dh knew all this? I hope things get better for you soon

The thing I don’t want to be angry! My life has been so so so hard this last few years. I just want to move on and get settled in my new life. But I need him to support me. I thought he financially had to? Guess I need to start looking into all that. I do get DLA for my son but we don’t get anything else as earn too much. Will have to see what I’d get on my own. Don’t even know how much I earn! I know what comes in and it all goes out!

Hmmm I don’t want to get angry but I am willing to fight for what me and my children deserve 💪

I’ve just finished battling social services for 2 years for support and finally won, so guess I need to chanel that determination again.

I’m just so exhausted! But time to put big girl pants on again!