Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

not have been an actual lie with malicious intent but an incompetent oversight by a naive, 25 year old lad... Typically, boys don’t mature as quickly emotionally as girls and 25 year old lads often aren’t the most reliable

Goodness. The poor 25 year old lads, they can't help it.

"Woah - that type of controlling behaviour would have any sane DH running for the hills. DH probably has a good sense of DW - hence just going ahead and getting it done"

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle , it's not controlling, it's exercising a wife's right to know what's going on within her own marriage! I wouldn't have time or tolerance for any of his "I'm not telling you" shite. If he was mine, he'd either have to come clean and show me the paperwork, or fuck off!
And yes, I'd expect a discussion before he did DNA tests.
If any of that is controlling, I can live with it - being married means sharing decisions and information, not unilaterally doing things secretly, that affect the other person.

What exactly was the point in that snarky reply to my post? You’re being wilfully obtuse which is far from the witty and clever comment that you think it was. 🙄 I didn’t say that did I? Your comprehension seems poor, let me help guide you. First of all I said I he 100% should have made steps to prove paternity but let’s not forget unless the OP is hiding another huge drip-feed up her sleeve; he was also deceived by the sounds of it. A 48 year old is less likely than a 25 year old to take information at face value and be more inclined to be proactive in making decisions and doing research. I did say I wasn’t excusing but rather offering a different viewpoint but do pat yourself on the back for such an enormously helpful contribution to the discussion. You must have almost burst a blood vessel thinking that one up. I’m sure of course, you were a perfect 25 year old who never, ever made a mistake. Im also going to go out on a limb and say that you probably hadn’t been in that position at 25 years old, almost 25 years ago. Irrespective, things these days are vastly different now to what they were back then but I rather imagine it would suit you not to recognise that fact either.

My point was that 25-year-olds are not 'lads' and that partners are entitled to expect better from them.

There is too much pressure on women to mop up the mess that men (of all ages) leave behind in their wake. This is not fair.

Very often it would be better for women to end a rubbish relationship where they are getting precious little out of it - where their partner is not providing much money, or sharing the childcare burden, or any good company either.

You clearly have an agenda @goodgood , I understand women are not here to mop up men's mistakes, however, when faced with a situation like this she should be able to not be so insecure, to put herself second to a biological child who has been fucked around all her life.

No agenda, other than feminism. But there's an unpleasant undertone in some of the replies that the OP has no right to expect very much and should, I don't know, count herself lucky or something and make this situation work. Maybe she is and maybe it's worthwhile - we can hardly tell, and have so little to go on.

I hope she works out what she wants and then is able to get the best possible life for herself, whatever it is.

Well, science says that the majority of men are not emotionally mature until beyond 25 and often much, much later. So yeah, 25 year olds are in fact lads. Sorry, but there are two women in this story that are just as much at fault here if not more than the man. This particular situation was equally of the OPs own making for all of the reasons I previously listed and many others have said the same. All I am saying is that your opinion seems to be in the minority. I’m not saying all men are perfect and blameless - a lot of them are total shits but on the flip side a lot of them are not. I’m saying there are two sides to this story and OP is not faultless as she believes herself to be. Nobody should stay in an unequal or unfulfilled relationship no matter your sex but that’s not what this is about. Women also need to take equal responsibility for their actions and can’t just blame everything on the ‘nasty men’ because it suits. The OPs husband can also expect better than having his children used as a weapon and emotional manipulation. Which are two things that men on here are very often vilified for. An innocent woman was desperately let down, not just by the workings of a man but also of a woman.

there are two women in this story that are just as much at fault here if not more than the man

Okay.

The mother told another man that he had fathered her child when he didn’t. She also never told OPs husband he could be the father. That makes her worse. The OP actively dissuaded her husband from discovering paternity because their children were young (not that that makes any odds whatsoever), then threatened to break up with him if it was determined this woman was his child. This was from a liaison years before he had even met her don’t forget. That makes her just as bad as him. He didn’t cheat on her and conceal the child from her. I think you need to start using a bit more common sense instead of staring it straight in the face and blatantly ignoring it because it doesn’t suit your anti-male agenda.

@RandomPoster456 That makes her worse.

Delightful.

Your husband is being unreasonable here, why isn't he showing you the results? Have you asked?
If my husband has a child from a previous relationship, I would want to see proof before my children got to know their sibling.

This other child is 32, so she is an adult. If your husband is being uncooperative can you reach on to this woman and explain that your children know about her but as a parent you want to be 100% sure for their sake? Your children are teens, they are going through enough without having to wonder if they do/don't have a sister.

Not everyone wants to be a step parent, so don't feel bad about that. This adult is only 8 years younger than you, you might be able to be friends one day. She's innocent in all of this. I can't believe this poor woman spent 23 years believing her dad was someone else.

Yes he's being a bit weird about the DNA test, but it's very normal to want to get to know your child, no matter what your age, and for a child to want to know their father... I mean... it's the plot line of Mamma Mia isn't it? Maybe he wanted to be sure before rocking the boat at home? What a shame the rest of you don't want to get to know her... it's not her fault she was conceived and then her father's identity was hidden from her.

Let's look at the other side of all of this @LAC247

It's quite unusual for most women to know the whereabouts of a boyfriend they had at16, 32 years later when they have moved on.

How did his 'ex' girlfriend or his daughter find him?

Or has your H been in contact with his ex or daughter all along?

I'm just curious about the timeline and the contact.

There are a variety of ways to find a person, there is no reason to think there has been any other contact before his (probable) daughter tracked him down. Social media is where you start looking, local press, electoral register - but there are also firms you can pay to trace people.

Saying you dont want a step child at 17 when you'll be helping to raise them is entirely different to being faced with a woman of 32 who doesnt have to have much contact with you at all. Breaking up your family to deny a woman any relationship with her father is shooting your own children in their feet.

@anyolddinosaur
I am not breaking up my family to stop dad and daughter having a relationship - I am breaking up with a person who can’t be honest for the sake of all involved.

That's entirely your prerogative @LAC247

I think a lot of posters are forgetting how young the OP was when she got together with a msn in his mid 20s. And that she was very clear about her position - he is the one who has been deceitful and disrespectful of her right to choose.

In my mid 20s I was a mother and a teacher - most people don't have the luxury of claiming they were too young/immature to be accountable at that age!

@LAC247 He isnt showing you a DNA test result - peculiar and unreasonable but so is your attitude to him seeing his child. Children of single parents have poorer life chances and you've initiated this, they may be as unforgiving as you when they are older.

I think it's a hard situation he was clearly only 16 when his potential daughter was born. He was probably scared shirtless. She was 8/9 years old I'm guessing when you met. I'm guessing he probably didn't want to lose you and denied his potential daughter, especially if there was other boys involved. But he lied knowingly or not when you told him if the child was his you didn't want that relationship. Now it's years later and you have 2 boys. The potential daughter has grown up and wants to know who her father is. I'm guessing he already knows he is the father and maybe a test wasn't done, but has said this to settle it. But now you want proof which is understandable. I think better you just chill because you can't change the past or the fact he may now have a daughter, let him build a relationship if that's what he wants until he's come to terms with it all himself, give him time and tell him you are fine with whatever he wants for now but want the proof for your own peace of mind. No matter if it's hurting you that you will support him and too discuss further with the children. Kids are too clever now a days, angry one min and best of friends. You might find you get on with potential daughter. Honestly people understand your angry he's hid alot but this started over 25 years ago for you. The truth is never simple

Neither of them wanted a relationship with this child…if he’d wanted to, he could have…

When you met at age 17 your husband didn't think the child was his. There was another man involved who was thought to be the dad. That all sounds completely believable to me.

There is a lot to process and it looks like husband is in panic mode. The dust needs to settle husband sounds like he has been backed into a corner and just not sure what to do.

Wife took the word of husband many years ago & husband also believed someone else was the dad. Neither of them felt the need to challenge the situation.

It seems harsh to split a family up on this basis as all were in the dark.
If the family do split because of this, was the relationship that good anyway. Sounds like time is needed for you all to start thinking rationally.

better you just chill because you can't change the past... give him time and tell him you are fine with whatever he wants... No matter if it's hurting you that you will support him

Some of this is martyrdom, though, and for what purpose? There has been no indication in the OP's posts that she actively wants to stay in this relationship and is looking for a way to see past his mistakes. She has not said that he is a good partner and good family man. Maybe it's been all give and forgiveness on her part already, in the rest of their lives.

Staying in a relationship for the sake of the children is demanding if the trust has gone - it's six or seven years until the youngest leaves school.

If the relationship can be repaired and both partners actively want to repair it, then of course there's every reason to hope, and both can do the work of forgiveness and moving forward. But it's not unreasonable of her to choose otherwise.

Use some basic grammar so we can understand your babbling.

Helpful 🤨

All sounds a but Jerry Springer tbh.

MIL must be a regular drama lama to be raising it on speakerphone with kids in the room.

Understand that you would have chosen at 17 not to get involved if a 9 year old stepchild was going to be a weekly feature, OP, but that's hardly where you're at now is it?

Give it a few days to settle. Try having a conversation where everybody is dealing with the facts as adults.

Is it really going to have that much impact on your lives now if a 32 year old occasionally wants to see DP?

I'd be surprised if he wasn't prepared to share results of DNA test if he didn't feel quite so flipping boxed into it - between his mother's unhelpful announcement & your (understandable) kneejerk demands.

If you're just going to up sticks & leave for this alone OP, like others, I think there must be a LOT of other problems & resentment bubbling away already.

Take some time to let things cool & see if you can find an evening without input from any other relatives around to just go through the facts, what facts still remain to be cleared up, and what actual practical impact this might have on your lives - I suspect it's a whole bunch less than you might be thinking?

He picked the wrong woman again the op sounds loose