Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

1. It is your business. You're his wife. You would be the step-mother wouldn't you to any of his children should the child want involvement?

1. I think it's unbelievably selfish to expect it not to go anywhere. This woman grew up without a father and has been told who the father is. Your children are her half-siblings. If she wants contact with your husband then you should do everything to support that.

My thoughts exactly.

If she wasn't his child, he wouldn't have a reason to be in touch with her.

This
Truly awful

it is your business. You're his wife. You would be the step-mother wouldn't you to any of his children should the child want involvement?

But it's not usual for a woman of 40 to be a step mother to a woman of 32 is it?

?

He’s hiding it from you because you’ve made your position clear, you don’t want a step child (not that you’d be a mother figure anyway but hey ho) and he knows you will end the relationship. I think you’re both in the wrong, you because you’ve made your partner feel like he’s got to choose between you and his daughter. That’s bang out of order. So the reason you’re being lied to is because of how you are being about it, and how you’ve been about it for years. Denying a young girl the right to know her father. I hope he has decided now he won’t be forced to choose anymore and you both separate and he continues to have a relationship with all 3. Do not turn your children against him. He’s also in the wrong but I’ve read all your posts and I can see why he has lied to you.

OP sorry you're getting a pasting on here (although your posts ARE confusing),
You have mentioned that the not wanting to be involved was years ago. Because you didn't want to be involved with a young father.
Now the situation has changed, of course you're not blocking your DH from performing the father role but he has to show you the DNA test.

He is the pisstaker here. Not you.

You won't get any more support best leave the thread quite frankly.

I wouldn’t have thought well of a man that didn’t want to know his own child, if I were you I would have wanted him to have a dna test years ago and if he was the dad be a responsible parent. It would not give me a good impression that he would be prepared to not be a father. I would not want any child to grow up without a dad so it sounds cruel that you seem to think it’s ok for her but not your kids. Also if she is your child’s half sister then why would you not want them to have a relationship. You sound rather selfish to be honest.

This is a really interesting thought

Woah - that type of controlling behaviour would have any sane DH running for the hills. DH probably has a good sense of DW - hence just going ahead and getting it done

You’ve driven your husband tk this behaviour.
He shouldn’t have snuck around and just should have just told you that he wanted to find out.
the idea of it “not going anywhere” is absolutely ridiculous. The child deserves to know their father and her genetic history.
you sound incredibly toxic, controlling and selfish. It’s another person to love and be loved by. It doesn’t diminish the relationship with your children or husband.

What was the relationship between you and your husband like before this happened?

And elsewhere you refer to the apparent test. Do you think there is no test and he has randomly decide to fixate on a relationship from 32 years ago and the adult child from that relationship?

Surely only if the half sister has chosen for the result on the company's database to be available and viewable

I remember it too but from Jeremy Kyle

You sound like an extremely cold person.

To be fair, he didn't know he was the father and another man thought he was and was bringing up the child

As an adoptee, I find your whole situation so selfish. It's your partners child, not a monster. You are both being so unkind to her. Maybe she wants a bit of information and has no intention of coming in a ruining your family unit, as you interpret it.. Your husband is the only person who can answer questions that she has undoubtedly been asking all her life. I feel so sorry for her that it turns out her dad is a dick.

@CantFindMyMarbles You’ve driven your husband tk this behaviour.

No - he's responsible for his behaviours and choices, and how he communicates them.

@DiaryOfaTTCer You sound like an extremely cold person.

Because women always have to be and, more importantly, seem likeable and caring, even on an anonymous forum.

She sounds human. Nobody would be thrilled at this situation. Most people would see this as a family crisis - even if hardly the worst - rather than part of the rich tapestry of life, much less 'another person to love'.

My youngest child is 11 and if this were my family, I would not have the headspace or capacity for all this right now, when clinging onto my work and family responsibilities by my fingernails.

Also, his daughter is probably not interested in that sort of a one-big-happy-family relationship at all.

Not just me then,

So from your updates the child was raised by a man who she believed was her father? I don’t think it’s fair to say your husband lied about having a child if he wasn’t told she may be his child by the mother. Your posts have not indicated this at any rate just it was rumoured which is unreliable in itself. It would be I think reasonable for a 25 year old to assume that he wasn’t the father if another man had been told he’s the dad and therefore raised her as his under this assumption. Particularly if there were multiple men involved. It stands to reason that everyone else would have thought at the time this child was the other man’s. The rumour mill will always circle though but without proof it would always have been just that until now, a rumour. That was an awfully big drip-feed that should have been mentioned in your original post. Looking at it logically as a now more mature adult, your husband should have definitely taken steps to prove paternity once she made contact with him the first time. It’s his wrong 100% that he didn’t. DNA tests have been widely available within the past 12 years. You are correct that you were perfectly well within your rights to not want to be a step mother at 17 or even now although that realistically wouldn’t happen anyway as she’s a fully fledged adult. The bit I struggle to swallow is that although throughout this post you’ve always maintained you wanted no part but in your earlier post you say you both discussed and decided that due to your young family you didn’t want him to pursue a DNA test. That is you actively playing a role in it,
this is the exact point where you don’t have a leg to stand on and my sympathy for your anger disappears. You only wanted to be involved to ensure this woman didnt get her answer and her existence didn’t affect your own family unit with him. You also then told him you’d break up with him if he decided to get the DNA test. That in itself is emotionally manipulating him to further ensure he didn’t get the test. You were his wife and would have presumably been the main caregiver to his young children. He loved you and at that point you knew you held all the cards. You knew he wouldn’t just want to be your friend. This is where the fault lies on both sides for me. That’s actively putting a barrier between him and finding out the truth. This situation could have been managed so much better whilst your children were younger than it is now and I can tell that’s a large part the reason for your emotion towards the situation. You wouldn’t have had to play a step mother role, just like you wouldn’t now. I say this because maybe your anger at the thought of him lying back then may not have been an actual lie with malicious intent but an incompetent oversight by a naive, 25 year old lad. If this is indeed the case, it may allow you to comes to terms and move on quicker. Typically, boys don’t mature as quickly emotionally as girls and 25 year old lads often aren’t the most reliable with actions and consequences. I’m not excusing him, just trying to look from both sides of the coin. I think there may be some truth in what a PP said about your anger coming from the place of the 17 year old you that felt they could have been threatened for your DH affection and attentions. 17 year old girls are also not typically emotionally reliable either. So in summary, unless he was in fact told by this woman’s mother he was a potential father when you got together, you weren’t lied to. By the looks of it, the only person who’s lied is the mother who without proof of DNA has allowed some poor unsuspecting man to bring up another man’s child. She must have had at least her suspicions otherwise this situation wouldnt have arisen in the first place. The fact he’s not telling you the result of the DNA test is childish but probably comes from a place of believing you’d leave but from your update as you’ve already left he may be willing to divulge further. I hope you all get your peace and all siblings that want to be involved can enjoy a fruitful relationship and you a good co-parenting relationship with your husband.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle. Today 20:27
I think what you say could be true, although lots of people like to see who are their extended family.

You decided nothing would be achieved? Are you serious? If it is his child why on earth wouldn’t you encourage a relationship, and he really should have found out as soon as he knew it was a possibility. Why wouldn’t your kids want to know their sibling? I am literally gob smacked at your post. Why would you object to him getting to know his child.

You want to leave him because it's not you Ur ideal family unit????

He was young he didn't know and by the looks of things he made another poor decision.