Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

And btw @chemicalworld the OP isn’t walking away because he is finally doing the right thing.

She is walking away because he lied. Because he didn’t take any responsibility then (which you say yourself would be a deal breaker). And more importantly because he took away her FREEDOM TO CHOSE.

The fact he is finally stepping up - because he had no other choice! His child contacted him!! - doesn’t suddenly make him a great person. Nor does it erase the fact he had no respect for the OP and her ability to make her own choices, even if it’s going against what he wanted.

@LAC247 I think you have your head nicely screwed on, better than many posters on this thread tbh.

chemicalworld
I have said many times the deal breaker was at the start of the relationship at the age of 17 and i was lied too, i did not want a step child and that was my decision to make.
I am walking away from a situation that will not get resolved because he can not be honest.

EggyBreadBrekkie

To answer your question only the OH and the child have done the test the mother was not involved in the DNA test.

This!

Of all the people to blame, the OP is the least of it!
And as for the poster criticising her for having the phone on speaker, that's perfectly normal. I do it all the time, when I'm prepping dinner or the kids want you to join in. She wasn't to know her mil would drop a bomb into the conversation.
And that ridiculous comment of how lovely it is that her kids are getting a half sister while they're still young enough to enjoy her. I get that poster would not be at all thrilled herself, to get a step daughter only 8 years younger than herself and have to navigate this with her own children.

Finally, what about the mum who has allowed her daughter to grow up believing someone else entirely was the father? None of that is on the OP. I think she's a victim here.

@LadyBird1973

It was the OH that was on the phone to his mother not myself.

You didn't want a step child when you were 17 - you didn't get one. You got your family the way you wanted it.

Neither you or your husband are in the right here, yes you are within your rights to not want a step child but you also put pressure on in this way and were unsupportive of an innocent person (child). No they aren't your responsibility, but sometimes there is a wider responsibility and a right that a child should have to know a parent that was denied by both of you for selfish reasons.

Someone up thread has said that her ultimatum was her only mistake, as if it was a small one. It wasn't.

chemicalworld
I am not sure what you point is! I stated very early in the relationship i was not prepared to take on somebody else's child - i was told he did not have a child so yes i got the family i wanted the family that i choice to have with the knowledge he didn't have another child.
I did not lie about the paternity of the child the mother did and allowed her to believe another man was her father for 23 years - It only come out my OH was her father because somebody else told the child at that point her mother had to start telling the truth again not my fault.
I agree 8 years ago i should of walked away from the marriage and let my OH sort it out himself but i didn't as he said he did not want to have a relationship with an adult he didn't know.

Do you have any indication if his daughter wants a relationship with you?
At 32, she'll have her own life and maybe her own children.
Although she may want to see her father, I doubt if she has any emotional investment in you or her half siblings.

What do you know of this?

@chemicalworld

You didn't want a step child when you were 17 - you didn't get one. You got your family the way you wanted it.... you also put pressure on in this way and were unsupportive of an innocent person (child). No they aren't your responsibility, but sometimes there is a wider responsibility

Well, she did settle down with someone who had a child, it seems, even if he didn't see them. She didn't get her family the way she wanted it.

Far be it from a young woman asserting what she wants out of life. Why should young women be dumped on by shiftless men? They should carry their own responsibilities, and should play their own roles bringing up their own children, by being honest with partners open to that life and negotiating with them. And even then, they should usually be doing more than they do!

@EggyBreadBrekkie
All I have been told is he met her to do a test and they have exchanged a few messages, when I asked him did he want a relationship with her he replied I don’t no - so I am unsure to how the woman feels about any of it he refused to discuss it any further.

If he was willing to discuss it with you would.you consider staying?

I don't think you're wrong to not want a stepchild.

I do think though as you now have two children I would re consider. Plus she's 32. You would be raising her.

I'm a bit confused on if he lied to you?
He told she said he might be the father and then the bio mom said he wasn't? In that case he was lied to as well.

If that's the case, then perhaps there is no point assuming that she would be in YOUR life, other than as someone your H sees now and then on his own.

If I were her, I'd not want to meet his current family, really.

She's 32, she may have her own children and although she and her dad may want to create some kind of relationship, it doesn't mean you will become a step parent. She's almost your age (give or take a few years.)

My advice is you step right back, let them create a bond if they want to and see how it develops.

Of course you may decide that the situation cannot be salvaged in a way that you can accept, so you have the choice to end your marriage.

Also, I think it's making a huge jump to assume you'd be a step mum (to a 32 year old ) when you are - what? - 40 yourself?

She has a mum already. She's not a child and to her, you're her dad's wife and she's not seen him for 32 years.

As she's very much an adult, the step mum bit doesn't really come into it .

This is really hard to follow. What I get is that 32 years ago the OP's OH was named as one of several possible fathers (which is not lying on the part of the mother, just her not knowing. Stop calling it lying, women don't have a secret knowledge of who the father is without a test either) and completely denied it to be possible. then 8 years after that, it came up again and again the OP's OH denied it and they went on with their lives. During these times, from the beginning, OP has said they will end the relationship if the family has to be blended. Which is understandable. That being said, OP was also well aware that the child could be his and went on to have children with him anyways. Even 32 years ago, a paternity test was possible and could have been asked for by the named men. So, some head in the sand behavior was happening on all sides here.
But, to the issue today. yes, the person you live with should be telling you whether or not they have another biological child or not. Whether that is enough to end a relationship is entirely up to the OP. I have to think that there are other issues happening, but I could be wrong.

Your youngest is 11 but I didn't see the age of your eldest, if they are over 18 they could do a test with the same company. Their name will come up with close relations e.g. half siblings. Horrible to drag the DCs into it but their father has already and at least they can be sure of the truth either way.

This. I think both OP and OH have taken the "ignorance is bliss" approach for too long. No one has dealt with the situation particularly well at all.

I know if my DH thought there was any possibility he'd fathered a child he'd get a DNA test ASAP. I don't think the OPs DH lied about not having a child at the start of the relationship because he didn't actually know for sure. He also didn't take any steps to find out. OP never encouraged him to find out for sure and continued in the relationship knowing there was a possibility. If I was in OPs position and there's were rumours my partner had a child and I was not keen on having a stepchild, I would have asked for a DNA test or simply walked away.

OP regardless of whether you think DH lied or the mother lied, you knew deep down this was a possibility but you pushed it to the back of your mind. Now that it's come to light again, it's easier to blame your DH or the mother rather than take some accountability for the fact you always knew he'd fathered another child.

This 32yo woman has been let down massively by her parents and should have known for certain who her dad was long before now.

It's absolutely your right to walk away from your relationship if you feel your DH has not been honest with you, but you could have been more assertive too before it got to this stage.

He shouldn't be hiding the DNA test, but if he has another child, then that child has every single right to know their father!! Imagine being that person, feeling that they don't belong. Sorry but if my partner had a secret child. I'd do what's best for all siblings as they are blood related.

"When it all came out years ago he was told if he wanted to form a relationship then that was absolutely fine and i would always be there to support him as a friend and the mother to his other children. He made the discussion not to peruse it that was his decision to make."

So basically he had to chose between her or you?

I remember this in a magazine can't recall the name of it though

Even if he didn't know he was potentially a father and the girl is older, maybe she wants to know her father, that's why DNA was done. I don't get all this, any kids I know who find out they have other siblings are normally curious to at least meet them and then decide. But you sat them down and spoke about it, did you sit down as a couple of as friends. You said he's your husband but you would support him as a friend. I understand support, but even though my husband is my best friend I never support him as a friend. I support him as his wife. Maybe you should all sit down together, and discuss the fact and go from there. This is most confusing post I've seen in a long time I will be honest. Good luck

He sounds awful. Truly. And person who abandons/ignores their child is disgusting.

To those telling OP that it's none of her business.... wtf?! She is married to this man and has given him 23 years of her life, plus 2 children. Of course it's her business!
I'm not saying she gets to decide, but she at least deserves the decency of being given the truth! Along with their DC.
Give her a break ffs!

Deep down you know what the DNA test says. It's very selfish saying you and the DC have never wanted anything to do with her it's not as if it was an affair it's selfish all me me me and my happy family and money.

I've just read your posts, and they are strangely vague. Just ask him straight as you seem to be going off 2nd hand info from his relatives who were around at the time. This is simple " have you had a test?" and " are you the father or not?".
Job done, then what's the problem either way as it was before you and he was only 16. A bit odd that the child's mother didn't wand to know 32 years ago tbf as she's missed out on a lot of cms, and if it turns out it was him, he's got away with paying up for years.
Do I blame him at all - no, he was 16 and basically a child.
If he's hiding stuff, I can only think it's because he's worried about your attitude. Why on earth should your DC's know about this until its confirmed? Why do you even have an issue with it beyond a raised eyebrow, it's ot a major deal, you seem dramatic about it.

He is clearly an idiot. Has he even actually done a test? I don't blame him as a 16 year old boy for burying his head in the sand, particularly where there was uncertainty. If his mother had any suspicion, then she should have stumped up for a test at the time, but then it may well have been outside of her control, especially if the mother of the child was also burying her head/didn't want to test.

I don't blame you as a 17 year old for laying your cards on the table. What 17 year old wants to be a step parent. However, you keep referring back to that decision. That was 23 years ago and surely your perspective has changed over time, especially as an older mum. It's as though you are threatened by this young lady due to your OH's fleeting relationship with her mother.

23 years on, no one is asking you to be a step mother. But your threats to leave your OH are almost certainly contributing towards his reluctance to tell you. Caught in between are your children and this young lady. Your DH is in the wrong here, but I don't think you are helping things.