Husband has another child

[LAC247]

Hi All
I am in need of some advice my partner of 23 years has decided to go ahead and have a DNA test with a 32 Year Old without discussing it with his current family 2 DC and his mum decided to blurt it out on the phone, he wont show me the DNA test saying it is non of my business is that normal behavior.
Long Story short this person was conceived in a one off at a young age before our relationship started a few boys was a possible father but the mother decided to tell her child years later my oh was the dad, of which we decided as a couple it wouldn't go anywhere having 2 young children to bring up and with her being an adult nothing would be achieved and now years later its all been brought up again. Our children don't want any relationship so how to moved forward :(

If her husband has been a liar in the past or has cheated she should leave not use this as an excuse.

The fact is at the time he probably believed another was the father. Now maybe his daughter found out the truth. If you can't discuss it, and can't trust him what help do you need. Only you can decide that

I am not breaking up my family to stop dad and daughter having a relationship - I am breaking up with a person who can’t be honest for the sake of all involved.

Which bit of this is dishonest?

Is it the fact he won't show you the DNA test? (If it even exists and I do wonder if it does.)

Or are you breaking up because he told you years ago that he had a child and you said 'It's her or me'?

And IF your MIL made this news on speakerphone, she's an idiot.

There are some things you've posted that I feel are half-truths to make you appear in a better light.

My point was that 25-year-olds are not 'lads' and that partners are entitled to expect better from them.

The human brain doesn't reach full emotional maturity till 25.

Did you not know that?

So much so that if an 18yo is doing something illegal, they’ll get off with a much lighter sentence because they are not really adult yet/not mature.
Or if a 18yo has a child, SS will be involved because they’re not mature so can’t be looking after said child properly.

and no, sorry, that doesn’t happen.

Yep if you become a father (or mother) at such a young age, you have a hell of a lot of maturing to do, quick.
But that’s also what you’d expect from a father no? Unless he is a dead beat father of course.

@EggyBreadBrekkie
I think the DNA test is not being shown because it has not been done.
The mother in law did say it on loud speaker and my thoughts are that she is pushing for the test to be done hence the outburst to cause trouble. I am trying to explain everything as best I can my head is not in the best of places at the moment - I feel breaking up is the best at the moment so OH can go ahead and do what he needs to do separately as he said it’s none of my business, once the test has been done or shown then maybe we can sit down and try and work out how to bring all involved together for all 3 siblings and work out a way forward.

@JustExistingNotLiving Oh come on!

You can surely understand the difference between the law and punishments, and what psychologists have now discovered about emotional development.

Or may be not if you're not well read.

And the rest of your post is ignoring the truth that many young couples split up , young fathers desert their children and young women are left to pick up the pieces.

Being a dad at a young age is no guarantee of a quick route to maturity.

I think the DNA test is not being shown because it has not been done.

How did the daughter track him down after 32 years?

Do you all live in the same town and no one's moved away in all those years?

Or did he ex (from when he was 16) keep track of him?

How did this all happen?

TBH, leaving your husband and breaking up the family over this seems incredibly selfish.

I can't see what he's done wrong, but what I can see if you not liking the fact he has another child from 32 years ago.

Many would question why you got involved at 17 with a man 9 years older.

Were you looking for a father figure yourself?

@EggyBreadBrekkie
Yes we all live in the same town and neither has moved out of the area - another reason I feel the test has not been done it is a small town everyone knows everyone's business and nothing has been said at all.
She wasn’t an ex just a one night stand all the local boys slept with her - I don’t want to break up the family but when someone is not 100 per cent honest in a relationship is there really a relationship in the first place.
No not at all we just met and fell in love my family and his family all supported our relationship and we stayed together for 23 years .

She wasn’t an ex just a one night stand all the local boys slept with her - I don’t want to break up the family but when someone is not 100 per cent honest in a relationship is there really a relationship in the first place.

This is my take on it.

1 There is no DNA test.

2 He won't show you- see above- because he wants to play along and see his daughter.

3 He knows from your reaction years ago that you are likely to leave if he has any contact with his daughter.

I assume the 'lies' is the DNA that hasn't been done or lies about the result if it was .

@EggyBreadBrekkie

I do think there is no test been done and he is not sure what to do that’s why the lies are continuing either way it’s on him now to move forward the way he chooses and once he has sorted his side out we can sit and talk about it.

By all means breaking up might be the right option given the circumstances but it's also what people have been trying to say on this thread about giving ultimatums & not supporting this happening years ago (dna testing, meeting the child building a relationship)

For what its worth my cousin "fathered" a child at 16. He was 100% on board for a dna test claiming it wasn't his ect. But realistically was an age where the family needed to be on board supporting & paying for it - they were not & the matter was left to fester.
Later on he met a woman who purely out of curiosity "wanted to know" & it became a farce of all farces over the next 10 years

He's now almost 20 years on aswel & has accepted full paternity (no test done) his current wife supports that as she has no skin in the game (her own kids & job/house) & the bump along as it with all kids accepting each other despite knowing the circumstances to a degree & I can 100% tell you they don't care (there's no money/family/time to fight over) he exists as their father & they come to him as & when needed & spend time with extended family

This whole 'kids won't know it's their siblings without proof' is all societal pressure they'll never face as a family.

And at this point I think the best way to handle this whole mess is for you to separate. He needs space to work out his relationship (if any) with this young woman and you need space to come to terms with what you term as 'his lies'. Perhaps given time and distance the two of you can work out whether or not there is any future for your marriage.

Yes, he's lied to you about the current paternity test and about being in touch with her, I agree. And he lied all those years ago denying the possibility of paternity. But perhaps if you hadn't given him an ultimatum (me or the child) all those years ago he would have admitted the possibility that the child could be his and the issue of paternity could have been settled back then. You could have made your decision then with the knowledge that she was his child if the test proved paternity. Or enacted your decision, if you had already made up your mind that you didn't want to be a SM at 17, for which I don't in any way blame you. And if it had been determined she was not his child, the disruption years later and the disruption now could all have been avoided. I guess what I'm saying is accept your part in this as well as blaming him for his.

And he lied all those years ago denying the possibility of paternity.

@AcrossthePond55 But did he lie all those years ago?

There is a lot of bluff and double bluff in all of this.

He was 16 when this conception took place.
The mother was having sex with several boys at the time. OP's H being one of them.

It's not even clear if he is the father.

How would the mother /daughter even know without a DNA test? If she had 1 night stands with several boys in a week, she wouldn't know.

She isn't a reliable character and may have chosen to pin it on him for any number of reasons, one being which of the boys/men might be willing to support then child way back then.

It all seems very immature behaviour from all the adults involved considering he is almost 50.

My opinion is if he is SURE she is his child and wants to create a relationship, fair enough.

The OP doesn't have to be part of that and the 'child' (now 32) may not want to meet his family anyway.

Fair bit of slut shaming here OP

@splutter
I am not shaming anyone just telling the story as it is.

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She wasn’t an ex just a one night stand all the local boys slept with her

The way you refer to this woman is incredibly distasteful

She wasn’t an ex just a one night stand all the local boys slept with her

This is such a nasty vile thing to say. It comes across like you are looking down on her. Was she also 16 ? You don't really know what was happening in her life at the time.

You do certainly sound like you are judging her and not the boys who willing did the same including your then child - husband .

The shame piling and judgment should not be on the teen - mom.

Yep, this

@EggyBreadBrekkie

Well, we only have OP's allegation (probably based on her DH's allegation) that this girl was, as they used to say back in my day, 'easy'. Who knows the real 100% truth? And 'she isn't a reliable character', really? Do you/Did you know her personally? There was a girl I grew up with who had a 'reputation' but I knew her well enough to know that she wasn't as 'loose' as everyone thought and that a good number of the boys who claimed to have had sex with her were lying through their teeth. So don't judge. And it doesn't matter why she chose to 'point the finger' at OP's DH. The fact is that he could have been the father. If he was, she deserved to have her child supported by that father. If he wasn't she could 'move onto the next candidate' if there was one. The child's mother is not the 'villain' in this story, if a 'villain' there must be.

What we do know is that OP's DH admitted he'd had sex with her, therefore there was a chance he was the father. But he refused back then to do a DNA and he and OP stuck their heads in the sand. Whether or not she'd had sex with one other boy or 100 is immaterial, there was a chance he was the father and he should have stepped up and had a DNA test. Instead he denied paternity, probably in part because OP threatened him with "If this is your child, I'm out of here". Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't have wanted to be a stepmum at 17 either, in fact I never dated men with children at all for that very reason. OP stated her truth, he was too much a coward to 'do the right thing' and they rode off merrily into their own sunset, paternity unanswered, leaving this putative child behind with unanswered questions. Then (if I have the timeline and events right) a few years later this child popped up again only to be ignored. And now she's back for the third time (again if I have this right) and OP's DH has suddenly decided he wants to know if he's the father and to establish a relationship with her. What a fucking mess and none of it is the fault of this young woman.

I don't know why OP's DH is being so secretive about this whole thing. Either he knows or strongly suspects he's the child's father and lied to OP about the mother having 'slept around' during the period of conception in order to make her stay, or he's had the DNA test that proves it. The fact that he won't show or admit it to the OP indicates that she isn't being completely honest when she says that he's welcome to have a relationship with her, but that she herself does not choose to.

I still say they need to separate. Both of them need to get their heads on straight. He needs to find out (if he doesn't already know) if he's this young woman's father and establish a relationship with her free from any coercion from OP based on 'our marriage will be over' or from her refusal to have anything to do with her. And OP needs to figure out whether the lies he told her all those years ago (that he wasn't the father) and the fact that the both of them have had their heads in the sand over the years have damaged the marriage irreparably.

Just to be clear, I'm not saying that OP should have a relationship with this young woman if she chooses not to. That is her decision. But she should not stop her DH, nor influence her children, to not have one.

She got with a older man as a teenager & stayed with him as he was willing to go along with her idea of familys (at the expense of a child he knew he had potential to have been the father of)

She 100% isnt responsible for the naivity of this situation but over the past 25+ years has choosen to stay knowing this man was shit & is only now leaving as he's being shit towards her (in his own way by not 'proving' paternity & having contact with a child that not hers)

Shes not a 17 year old anymore she's a grown woman demanding attention & prioritising 'as the mother of husband kids' when he always could have been the father of multiple kid.

@AcrossthePond55 In your lengthy post, you have a habit of taking facts (as stated by the OP) I've written and accusing me of being judgemental.

It's actually you who are being judgemental.

My post repeats what the OP has written, many times in her posts.

Much of what you've written here is your own emotional and judgemental opinion, but you've tried to dress it up as factual. It's not.

It's clear that you've accused other posters (me) of not knowing the real truth. Yet your own post falls into that category.

What I know is what the OP has said.

You are the one who's introduced 'loose' and 'reputation'. I didn't and neither did the OP. But you have, even if it's to only 'prove' (in your own mind) that she wasn't either of those.

So please don't start accusing others of making judgements. Your whole post is full of them.

I think you ought to read all the OP's posts again, without a preconceived notion of what went on.

There are many misunderstandings in your post. You ask if you have the timeline correct- well, reading your post here it looks as if you've not.

For a start, the husband didn't deny the child was his.
It was 9, yes 9, years later that the mother said he was the father.
She had no proof of this at all. That is what I mean by she isn't 'reliable'.
And more to the point, 32 years ago not many boys of 16 would be able to access DNA paternity tests. (Do be realistic!)

The mother is indeed the villain because for 32 years she's lied to her daughter about her real father. The person I feel the most sympathy for is her. The other adults need to get a grip and start behaving like adults.

@EggyBreadBrekkie The mother is indeed the villain

There aren't any 'villains' - it's not a comic.

I was pregnant at 19 and I didn't see not one social worker.