Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

I think that if he'd offered to do a DNA test and she'd refused then they might be fairly similar.

20 years is a long time to hold onto suspicions. Was there anything else?

It doesn't sound like you have a good relationship with your wife at all.

Why didn't you do the DNA test when she said go ahead and do it? I think bringing his up with your son will cause huge damage. What will you do if he isn't biologically yours? Will it change how you feel?

I think you are your wife should split though because there is obviously no trust either way.

Also the date thing, I struggled to conceive I also had DS two weeks early. But I tracked ovulation, that never fully matched the expected due date. Also count in the two weeks she isn't pregnant into your calculation

Have done so much counselling over the years starting with Relate, then cognitive, then psychiatric. It works short term. I’ve been on anti-depressants 18 months in from finding out. So wanted to avoid that as my father has been on them for over 50 years!

We went through Relate for months early on. All agreed OH had 1 meeting and nothing else to report. 4 months after Relate BT sent me an itemised bill from 2 years earlier and there sat 2 calls to his mobile from our home landline. My OH was 3 months pregnant when these calls were made. The 1st I had just got out of bed that day after having awful flu for 7 days and the 2nd 2 days later when I dragged myself back to work (her call was at 9am that day). Make of it what you will.

@MrMarple are you suggesting that the unexplained back and stomach pain was a poisoning attempt by your wife?

TBF mumsnet isn't respected, it's really toxic here

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This is BATSHIT.

According to the dates of my scans, DD was conceived on a day I 100% KNOW we did not have sex. But you know what.... DD is definitely DH's but perhaps you think I actually had an affair?

You have circumstantial evidence, at best. Going back 20 years. I feel extraordinarily sorry for both your wife and your DS. In all this counselling, did no one suggest that you just take up your wife's offer to do a DNA test when your son as small and it would have been a painless incident?! You seem to be using this as a stick to beat her with, even after all these years.

And yes, as a PP said - are you suggesting your wife POISENED you?

I don’t understand why you’d think you weren’t the father? Your wife met up with a friend in a pub once or twice so therefore she must have shagged his brains out and conceived his child? No wonder she didn’t tell you if that’s the response to her going out to meet friends.

Not really although I will recount another story in a moment. I wondered if it was a STD or UTI? It recurred again about 4 weeks later.

The secluded pub they both agreed to meeting at I visited once 2 months before I found out for a family meal. It feels cruel looking back at it now as my OH knew the secret tryst was there 2 years earlier.

That night I was violently sick and had stomach/back pains again. My OH and children were perfectly fine. I was off work on and off for the next week. Probably a horrible coincidence.

I can see that now. It’s a bit like when the counsellor blames you for being cheated on and going through this. My Dad blamed me too as did her Mum too. Still on we go.

@MrMarple have you got a particular aversion to tests of every kind? STD's can be tested for very quickly and easily, and UTI's aren't contagious.

No, no one would blame you if 1. there was any real evidence she cheated and 2. You'd dealt with this at the time instead of leaving it to fester for 20 years, probably while acting in erratic, controlling ways to her and unloving ways to your son.

He wasn’t a ‘friend’ by any stretch of the imagination. More a chancer who has a penchant for pregnant women.

I caught him phoning just by chance one day (4 weeks before that first meeting) and he put the phone down on me. I 1471 it back and asked the switchboard operator whether he worked at this business and they confirmed he did.

The next day whilst I was at work he phoned to apologise but said his boss came in yesterday and he wanted to talk to me about the sporting club we played for.

How on earth are you remembering such trivialities nearly 20 years later? Why would BT send you a 2 year old phone bill? Why are you so obsessed with the bloody “secluded” pub?

Did you come here in the hope that everyone would tell you your wife is a slag and a terrible person?

It’s called a diary.

I think all you have proven @MrMarple is that if you are determined to believe something, you will make up all manner of "facts" to back up your story. I honestly feel for your family, this sounds absolutely exasperating.

Oh dear lord you sound extremely abusive and controlling. I really hope your wife and children find the strength to break away.

If this is real, you need to split with your wife. You don’t trust her, this has taken over your life for long enough and has made you ill.

I would talk to your son about it and see if he wants a DNA test. If he doesn’t, I wouldn’t push for it, after 20 something years of being his dad, you’re his dad whether that is biological or not. If your son does want the test, I would reassure him that it won’t change your feelings towards him (presuming it won’t). Tell him what you know of think your know, include the lies you were told in a factual way but don’t talk negatively about his mum.

Your relationship with your wife is done. Keep a good relationship with your children.

The GP couldn’t diagnose it after tests. I didn’t need to test for a STD as my OH was my only sexual partner and I didn’t know she was cheating at the time.

At this point- does it matter? Your son is now an adult, would you feel differently if he wasn't biologically yours?
is it worth opening that can of worms now?
even if he is biologist you're that doesn't mean your wife didn't cheat- so there are no definitive answers as far as that goes, so personally I'd weigh up wether or not it's important to you to know if your son is biologically yours or not and wether it's worth the fallout of telling him you've always suspected he might not be 'yours'

Until you've done the DNA test and got your facts in order, no one can advise you.

That's literally step 1, and instead of doing that you've spent 20 years sitting around feeling sorry for yourself

If you did the blooming test, you might find out that your son IS your son and can move on............

If after 20 years you still don't trust her your marriage is over. I'd finish it. Draw a line underneath it.

As for your son you need counselling. Why do you want to know? Will it change your relationship? Or is it to get proof with your wife? I think you really need to understand the reasoning before you do anything.

Do a DNA test.
Get a divorce either way. This is not a happy marriage.

You don't know she was cheating so you though? Why don't you just do the test at the time.

What is a secluded pub?

It sounds like a bad storyline for a novel.

From the outside looking in we have a close relationship but sadly one of the serious side effects was that we went from a very intimate life to nothing within a week as I was so badly psychologically damaged not even the best experts could remedy. That breaks my heart too.

Your reaction to these possible events are with you....
You didn't address them at the time
You haven't addressed them in all your subsequent counseling..
I think you need to really work out what your real problem is .. and what you can do/change to enable you to get some mental peace for the future..
It reads like your issue is that you have felt trapped as you couldn't leave your wife as you didn't want your children to come from a broken home ..
And this choice has lead you to have 2 breakdowns and a poor relationship with your son..

This was your choice..... Whether or not your wife did actually cheat or not you chose to accept your child as yours and have been a father to him for 20+ years .

If you now want to leave your wife do it because you want to now ... Not for something that may/maynot have happened 20+years ago .
You cant leave your son as yo him you are his father.... Maybe you could work on improving that relationship as an adult....

This is all still about yourself... Nowhere is there any mention of the impact on the people around you .. .. of your choices

So what if your father was on tablets for 50 years that doesn't makr it a good or a bad thing..that was him and then....you are an individual...you should take responsibility for yourself