Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Which is it? 2 conversations in 25 years, or 2 mental breakdowns over it?
And why do you continue to do take no responsibility for your own life?

I do hope some others with a tad of reason are reading some of these posts. We’ve had 2 conversations over paternity and the look in my OHs eyes told me not to ask again.

Yes I did have 2 breakdowns. One coincided with me being made redundant and everything got on top of me (that 12 years after I found out) and the 2nd was around 7 years later when my wife finally told me they met more than once and my head was totally screwed at that point.

What a martyr to myself I am.

Again, so why have you still taken no responsibility for your own life?
Nobody here can verify any version of events from 25 years ago. You have had, and do have choices. So make one.

Oh dear God, this man is still moaning on? Take control of and responsibility for your own life man!

MrMarpleToo

op never NEVER post on MN as a man
seen it time and time over

its like a salvaging on The handmaids tale

its a waste of time as the negative and often vitriolic comments outweigh the sensible

either speak with a therapist (a good one ! ) or post on Reddit realtionships where you get feedback from both genders

this thread is a waste of time and valuable energy and won’t help you

The problem is mrmarple is you don’t make decisions, the two choices you have is to leave or forgive her and move on. You have done neither and trapped yourself in this hell you can’t move on from.

did your mother have affairs. Or was your father just paranoid.

do you have a good relationship with your wife now.

the thing is you aren’t the only person whose partner has had an affair. This is different because you are a man in the sense that paternity can be questioned which if can’t for me but again you aren’t the only person - such rumours have dogged the royal family for years

Good advice. Thank you.

So why are you reading it then?!! Actually I rejoined to put a few facts straight. If you class that as moaning than so be it.

Out of interest, what helpful advice would you expect from a man on reddit that hasn't already been given here? Reddit is also not an alternative to therapy.

I’m petrified of confrontation and hate talking to my OH about it hence I don’t for 99.9% of the time in the last 25 years (that’s why I’ve come on here). If I had left then I would still be on my own now. I had invested 13 years before D-day (a phrase I think they use). Sorry for the analogy but you can smash a priceless Ming vase and stick it back together but it won’t be worth as much or look so good. I know I felt trapped 25 years ago but the turmoil for everyone if we broke up I couldn’t face. My OH didn’t want to leave either. I was a coward.

I don’t think my mother had an affair however I did hear the other guys name in an argument and met him socially many years after. I think whatever they were going on about was around the time I was born. I am my father’s son confirmed by DNA Ancestry I did for family tree research. My father did however find his Dad had fathered another child through my link. He found he had a half-brother after 83 years!

My OH and I sadly do not have an intimate relationship. That has crucified me too. We hug and briefly kiss. We say we love each other. We give each other Valentine Cards. We often go on holiday. Is it a happy relationship? Not really but I suspect deep down most marriages aren’t.

Ring your GP

No I don’t think all relationships end up being unhappy, they grow and change and intimacy dwindles but unhappy no.

I think the first step is to stop thinking of yourself as a non playable character, as someone for whom events happen to. You aren’t. You are a massive part of this decision process.

you can’t change the past but you can the future. If you are Not happy talk to her, not about what has happened in the past but mending the future and accept that might not mean being together

sometimes accepting the Ming vase is broken beyond repair is better you can claim insurance (I.e. your life back) rather than continuing with something unwieldy and ugly on display

Yes, you are just repeating your programming.

What are you hoping for here?

None of us know whether your wife had a physical affair; or an emotional affair; or a brief flirtation; or even just a meetup for a grumble with a man who seemed less angsty than her own husband.

But if she didn't have an affair (which after all is what she says), how are you ever going to come to terms with that?

You could just decide you don't like being so suspicious, and leave.

You might all be happier for it.

This is so true. Your next action will have consequences. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture before you decide what to do. If you have a good relationship with your DS it might not be worth risking damaging it. Can you put your fears to one side and centre your feelings on the fact that you have a good relationship with him no matter whether he’s your biological son?
And don’t try to judge on looks - genetic features can skip a generation or two.

Tell. The. Son.

I have read 90% of this thread and my advice is to separate and divorce. I know you think you are too old but you are not and it really is the only way to find mental peace and life your life on your own terms.

It might feel weird at first but try and imagine how you will feel a few months after you have your own place and you can stop thinking about this. This monkey on your back has stopped you growing and moving forward. The only way to change that is to leave and get some mental peace.

@MrMarpleToo

I absolutely agree with your Ming vase analogy, I've often used similar when addressing a poster's spouse's infidelity. I've told them that you can glue it together, but you'll always see the cracks and know it was once whole, but is no longer so. And that is what you're doing, seeing the cracks and only the cracks.

I'm in your 'age range'. I can tell you that if I had had the doubts you had I would have ended my marriage years ago simply because I will not live with the constant doubt. I'd rather end it and be free. Obviously as a woman, my children's parentage isn't in question, so our situations would differ there. But if you love your son as you say you do, then his biological paternity shouldn't matter. I also happen to be adopted and I can tell you that my late dad loved me (and my brother, also adopted) with every fibre of his being.

And I'll say this as people of our age, there is a lot more in our rear view mirrors than we can see through the windscreen ahead of us. Why waste those precious years ahead of us living in doubt and mistrust? You only get one go round on this wonderful Earth of ours. You're wasting yours. Stop it.

As I see it, you have two choices. You can end your marriage and start a new life for yourself based on self honesty and fulfilling your own needs. Or you can get counseling and come to terms with the fact that you will NEVER know the truth. Never. I'll repeat it, you will never know. To do a paternity test now will possibly destroy you and will certainly destroy your son if the results are not what you wish and he finds out. And you know as well as I that secrets are not always kept. So focus instead (in therapy) on accepting the 'unknowable'. The unknowable CAN be accepted if you want it to be. It may take you months, or even years, of therapy but it will be well worth it.