Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Initially I didn’t know how or where to get a DNA test done and the expense came into it too. I was the main breadwinner at that time. I didn’t consider DNA Ancestry until recently.

Then it came down to if I have this done it’s a very awkward and potentially damaging conversation with my son. It also shows I totally mistrust my OH which on the face of it I probably do. That isn’t really surprising given events.

I joined Mumsnet today to get some things off my chest. I have absolutely no network of people to help and understand. Counselling was a dead end.

I just wanted an opinion on whether others would think I should involve my son in a DNA test and whether there is enough evidence to think that it should be done. One day he may have a medical condition that requires him to know.

What started this latest round of thinking? A Radio 4 programme about DNA testing.

@MrMarple

Can I ask if you've posted about this previously? The diaries from the same time period were mentioned by a previous poster who had lots of advice and I was wondering if it was you?

@MrMarple I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

So why didn’t you go ahead at the time and did a DNA test while he was a child? You could have just told him it was a regular health check up and the kid would have suspected nothing. It would have all been dealt with fast and one less headache. Your family would have been able to move on with your lives. Unless you love the drama then yes, hold on to that “grudge” you have no proof of and continue emotionally torturing your family for the rest of your lives.

OP please don't take this the wrong way but your posts exhibit some cinical signs of paranoia and I really, really think you should focus on getting your mental health right rather than being on Mumsnet.

Your his Dad in every way that counts.

Read the thread and all I can say is, his poor wife. Twenty years of suspicion and paranoia. And if DS hasn't picked up on the stress and the OP's attitude towards him, I'll be astonished.

Except it's perfectly possible that the wife is telling the truth and that the sum total of her contact with this man was indeed two drinks in a pub in a platonic manner. She has also said she's perfectly fine to have DNA tests done. If that's the case, she's not to blame for any of this.

very obsessive people never accept the proof that they think they long for. You could do the DNA test and find out your son is 100 per cent yours and you would still suspect your wife was unfaithful. Because that is who you are—not because that is who she is.

I agree. And I do think that you might be much happier if you were to end that relationship!!

as for DNA testing: what are you hoping to achieve?
let’s say you are the biological father: then what? What will this have done to your DS?
let’s say you’re not: what will you do? Do you want the relationship you have with your son (legally and socially he definitely is your son!) to change?

you wrote that your son is very close to your mother. Does that mean that you two aren’t close?

On a purely practical level, you can't get an Ancestry DNA test for an under-18. So the OP's son would have been too young. Ancestry is not and has never been a paternity testing service. It's for finding genealogical cousins and family history research.

@MrMarple it's obvious how distressed you are by all of this and I really would urge counselling to help you unravel your feelings and the implications of asking your son to test.

This is a very odd story.

Oh my god, leave this marriage.

I don’t know why there are people here proper going for OP? Actually, I do. It’s because he is a man. If this was a woman posting, you’d all be up in arms telling her to track her husband, LTB, get your ducks in a row etc etc.

You'll need to have a conversation with your son. He also has a right to know who his biological father is, as well as you knowing yourself. I think you are seeing signs that he may not be yours, and it's becoming more obvious over the years. He's old enough now for the conversation, we had this in our family, and the children were told at 13 ish their father wasn't biological. It didn't change the relationship, but they appreciated knowing, we all deserve to know who our biological parents are.

OP I don’t know why people are blaming you for this situation. I imagine you decided to put your head in the sand, hope it would all go away. I don’t think that’s actually all that uncommon.

I think you need to really think here. Do you really, truly want to know? If it turns out he isn’t your son then you can never take that back.

I got mixed up in my first message thinking that she had admitted to an affair.

But I still don’t think a DNA test is what you need because this is never going to be resolved. What will a DNA test prove? Either it’ll show he is not your son - in which case you get proved right, what happens then? Or it’ll show he is your son, but from your answers here I cannot imagine that you’ll ever be happy with that, because that doesn’t prove she didn’t have sex with the other guy.

Honestly, you’ve spent 20 years in this hell, your wife has and BOTH of your kids will have been affected by it too. Time to move on. Either figure out how to get over it (probably with considerable professional help), or leave your wife and build yourself a different life.

You were "so badly psychologically damaged" beyond remedy simply because you suspected your partner of having slept with this man? And you refused to do a DNA check, or even a simple blood test, which could have allayed your suspicions? The excuse that you didn't know how just doesn't work - you could easily have asked your GP.

It really does sound like you have and had serious MH problems which are nothing whatsoever to do with your partner.

You haven't answered the question what you would do if the DNA test confirms that your son is yours?

This

@Bargello i got dna tests for my two (they were both really interested and loved what they found out) and they were under 18 so you definitely can.

OP the problem is nothing is going to fix this, you have built this up into something so pivotal in your life what resolution did you want.

you decided to stay - you could have walked away. It happened to DH BIL and he left. He has a great relationship with his DD and maintains fir her a relationship with her brother (who isn’t his) and he was at his wedding to my SIL. Yes he was very angry and yes he was very hurt but he left and he moved on as they all did. He has now been married again for 12 years and has a ok relationship with his ex. Even in the worst case scenario what your wife potentially did isn’t that unusual your reaction is.

although have you posted before I swear I have read this before

Indeed. I feel sorry for the poor man.

Gosh this a tough crowd in here. According to some I’m a self-pitying, obsessive controlling and coercive narcissist with absolutely no feelings for his family.

I’d say that is a tad unfair. But I would wouldn’t I? If you met me (God forbid some might say) you would see a totally different person to what you describe.

Should I blame myself for my thought patterns and decision making? Undoubtedly but it doesn’t make me a bad person.

Anyway I’ll catch up later on subsequent posts. Thanks everyone for their posts even the more hateful ones as its giving me food for thought.

By the way I do love my OH and children. I have tried protecting my children from all of this and they have done well for themselves. My OH has a decent job and enjoys her downtime. So I couldn’t have screwed up their lives & minds as much as some on here seem to think. It’s my mind that is the issue. Tad selfish no doubt!

I don’t think there is anything wrong with the Ancestry DNA route, and disagree this will be tricking your son as some others have said. Who’s to say you don’t have an interest in ancestry?

What I would do is tell your son you want to do an ancestry tree for your family for your OH as a birthday/xmas gift. As part of this you want the Ancestry DNA kits done from everyone, but tell him and give him his and get it back before you tell your wife and give her the Ancestry DNA kit to do. If she says she doesn’t want it as a gift and won’t do her kit, fine, no issue, but say now you are so enthused it’s a shame so will get your line done anyway for you, and your line obviously includes your son and it will likely be of interest to him (isn’t Ancestry to us all!). Obviously if she has no problems doing it then by all means give it to her as a gift as originally planned. If it comes back and throws up anything untoward about your son’s parentage, deal with it then.

well i feel for op-his wife lied to hm about meeting this man twice if there was nothing going on why the need to lie

she may or may not have had an affair but until the tes tis done you'll never know

Another thing I would add was shortly after that first meeting I came down with unexplained stomach/back pains that even my GP couldn’t diagnose. I was fit as a fiddle at the time.
Are you suggesting that she or her potential affair partner have done something, like poisoned you?

20 years later you interrogate an old friend who was looking after your daughter for 4 hours when your wife was at the antenatal class and you consider this to be an evidence of an affair?

I really think this is above MN paygrade, and you need clinical help. Not trying to insult, it all reads a bit unhinged and outside the normal boundaries of jealousy.