Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

I think you sound like a good person, prioritising keeping a stable home life for your DC, putting them first and trusting your OH.

If you did a test and it came back he wasn't your son, how would it change your life? Would you divorce? Would it significantly change your feelings towards your son? Would you be happy with him being in contact and having a relationship with the acquaintance?

I am so sorry you went through this.
Some of the replies on here are harsh.
Yes you could have gotten away and had more of a life for yourself - but I totally understand why you stayed for your children.
It's going to be difficult, but your son is now an adult, and whilst there may be a negative impact on the family, I should hope it wouldn't come between the 2 of you. You need to get answers for yourself, and if what you fear turns out to be true, you know where to tell your wife to go.
This is not your fault.

I'm confused. Does your wife deny ever sleeping with this man?

OP I can see from your post that this has eaten you up for 2 decades. Think carefully because you have brought this boy up and you are his Dad. It sounds like you have the unresolved cheating that is causing you distress. Would marriage counselling help you both to put it behind you. You may have felt pressured to stay in the marriage. Don't put this anger onto your son. Also once you've found out you can't not know afterwards. If you found out he was not biologically yours would you really feel differently about your son, or about your wife? Sometimes let sleeping dogs lie. If you do the test now your DS is an adult it could change the way he perceived you. Would you be ready for that?

Sorry as I’m new to Mumsnet how do you attach the individual messages so that I can post my reply to each? I blame it on me getting on a bit!

I did almost join Mumsnet about 8 years ago to explain some of the issues I’ve been facing but it does feel a bit humiliating at times and I’ve had enough of that to last me 2 lifetimes.

I did DNA Ancestry for myself before Covid as I’m genuinely interested in my Family Tree. My Nan who virtually brought me up was a victim to a serial bigamist that left her twice after having his child.

I’ve never known how to even approach this with my son. I do know this whole affair has affected my relationship with him (my only son) and that does make me feel bitter.

If you don’t want to open a can of worm, I’d do an Ancestry test and propose to your son to do it with you.

But PP are right. What do you want to achieve with the test?

If the test shows you’re the dad, great. What do you think will be the impact on your relationship? Does it mean the marriage is actually worth fighting for? Or will you leave anyway?
If the test shows you’re not the dad, then what? Will you still see that young lad as your son and act as a dad, even if you’re not his father? Does it mean it’s the end if the line fir your marriage?

Because tbh, if you feel you need a proof to end up your marriage, you don’t. The lack of trust is enough to say ‘Enough is enough’.

Xpost.

To answer a specific poster, type @ followed by the poster’s name

Hang on! You have no evidence that she cheated.

She MET a man in a pub.

Are women not allowed to do that now? Catch up with an old acquaintance? Why did she hide it from you? Would you have disapproved?

There's something fishy going on here...

@MrMarple , seeing your last
ost, I’d start with having counselling. You need to talk with someone about your marriage, the possible affair and whether your ds is in fact your ds. Incl repercussions all this has on your relationship with him but also potential impacts of opening that can of worms (regardless of the result ).

The fa to you are so bitter about it all tells me it’s time to move on and end the marriage.p though. Regardless of a DNA test.

did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex

So why didn’t you do it with you and your son, if your wife was willing, then?

Do the ancestry test. But it may open a Pandora’s box for everyone involved.

How is your relationship with your wife now?
How is your relationship with your son?

If either are good and you want to maintain them that way I would leave well alone.

If you have a close relationship with your son and he is not yours, does it matter?

If your relationship with your wife is something that you want to build on into old age, does it matter?

Whatever decision you make will change something. Think about what you want your relationships with both wife and son to look like in ten years time, then base your decision on that.

Also, if you do the DNA thing you're daughter won't be unaffected too.

Yet to get to the bottom of that one.

On the other side of this there is potentially a woman who's husband has spent the past twenty years plus obsessed with the fact that their child isn't his, has had several breakdowns and feels a huge sense of betrayal and bitterness as a result of a child fathered during affair that she might not have actually had.

She agreed to your suggestion of a DNA test and you didn't take her up. I'd say that the ideal window of opportunity to sort this out was then. You now have to make a different decision, because time has rolled on.

Your posts are extremely confusing. So you suspect your wife of having an affair, she denies it, but you're convinced she cheated?

And you thought that it would be better to stay in an unhappy marriage than to divorce someone you don't trust?

And you have somehow let this affect your relationship with your son even though he doesn't have any idea about the suspected affair?

It appears there's little you can do at this point other than have an open conversation with your son.

I didn’t want to be another statistic or a bad episode of Eastenders

Wow. So instead you have lived for 2 DECADES with an eternal angst that your youngest child might not be yours, with all the unvoiced but most certainly impactful consequences. Do you really think your kids haven't been affected by this - or that 20 years later your inability to resolve this then might just absolutely destroy any sense of family/childhood they had?

JFC.

You either need to live with it and take it to your grave or blow your whole family up. Fuck me op.

I think you need to work through your own emotions that you’ve been feeling for two decades before you start involving your son and dna testing.
you don’t have any proof of an affair.

The key thing here is your relationship with your son and I don't see how it could recover from this - if he's your son he's going to ask what you would have done if he wasn't, and if he isn't, then this sounds like it will hugely impact your relationship, as you've brooding on this for 20 years.

You decided to publically and legally accept him when he was born, I think it's too late to bring the issue up now, it could cause him huge distress, and his wellbeing should be your priority.

If you don't trust your wife you can break up with her, but I think you need to leave your son out of it.

Found it now? Yes my wife has always denied sleeping with him but he is a well known serial womaniser with a very big ego (captain of various clubs) and as one acquaintance said as slippery as an eel.

He gave it all away by turning up unannounced at a Social function my wife and I attended (his new wife of 6 months was at home pregnant). They both disappeared when I went to the bar. This was 2 years after the confirmed meeting at a secluded pub. My wife did admit to him saying “I can’t stop thinking about you”. Strange when it was only 2 meetings 2 years earlier.

Another thing I would add was shortly after that first meeting I came down with unexplained stomach/back pains that even my GP couldn’t diagnose. I was fit as a fiddle at the time.

One last thing the best friend of my OH (they parted ways soon after I found out) told me 20 years later that she had looked after my child/children for aporox 4 hours at a time unbeknown to me and suspected something might have been going on. She was told by my OH she was going to anti-natal classes. My OH denied all this.

Just wondering what the responses would be if a woman had spent twenty years in turmoil after finding out her husband had possibly fathered a child with another woman. They’d be way less harsh than the ones here have been.

@ManHereSorry

There could never be an exactly similar post as men don't have babies.

Honestly, I am a bit worried about OP's mental health. This seems like extreme obsession over something that may or may not have happened 20-30 years ago. I would probably say the same if a woman were posting.

So much is left out that it's difficult to know what has gone on though.

At the time I found I tried to convince myself that it was just one meeting at a secluded pub and nothing happened. She convinced both hers and my parents.

But on the day I found out I had to play football and when I arrived home I looked at my diary for that year (I’ve kept a diary since a teenager) and found a page missing 4 weeks after this first meeting.

This played on my mind for nearly 2 decades when my OH finally confessed she had met him again. I only managed to squeeze that out of her by lying that I had spoken to him again and he admitted to further meetings. Her first question was “how many times did he say we met?” She then confessed to one more meeting the week before Xmas at the same secluded pub.

I did actually go back to him but he said he only met her once and would contact the Police if I pestered him again.

i think you both could’ve handled this better 20 years ago, but instead let this hang over you, in what sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. Your wife was obviously in the wrong lying to you, and secretly meeting a man, but you’ve both handled this terribly after that. i can’t believe you’re bitter that this has impacted your relationship with him, but you didn’t do anything to fix it.

to answer you actual question you can just buy your son or the whole family an ancestry kit, maybe for a bday or Christmas. Or you can just be honest with him. It seems a little unfair to him though that you’re going to shake up his whole world for answers you desperately need now, but for some reason didn’t need a few years ago.

You also haven’t from the sounds of it considered why. Does it matter what the test says? Why now? What if he’s not yours, do you carry on the same or no? Do you get a divorce or no? Do you just need to prove to yourself she lied to you? Even if he’s biologically yours it doesn’t say she didn’t cheat so it may not even resolve anything for you. You need to figure out why you’re doing this.

My son is very close to my OH. My mind has been elsewhere for much of the last 25 years (not a single day goes by when I don’t get angry with myself and for being put in this position). I do feel my relationship has been tarnished no matter how hard I try to disguise it and try to act normal. I wore a mask for nearly a decade with work colleagues until my first breakdown broke the dam and a few then knew.

This is like unravelling a bowl of spaghetti.
I really think you need to find a therapist who can help you focus on what you'd like your future to look like separately from what may or may not have happened in the past.
You've tied yourself in knots with it all and I can see how that future can be with your wife unless you have a genuine foundation of love and appreciation for each other. It sounds like you'll both be better off freed from this horrible tangle to make better choices for your future.

If you picture a new loving, trusting relationship in your future, you have a lot of work to do on yourself.

I have to say that based on what you're saying, I don't actually think she had an affair. You seem to be basing it on this "secluded" pub nonsense and the fact that a friend looked after your children for a few hours once without your knowledge. Bloody hell, friends look after my children without DH's knowledge on a weekly basis. It's pretty normal.

However, be that as it may, if this was such a huge issue for you, it's ridiculous you've let it fester for 20 years. And quite honestly, I don't understand why your wife has put up with it for 20 years either. I'm wondering if she's been one of the posters on here that comes on to say, "My DP is convinced that I cheated on him 20 year sago. He even thought that our DS isn't is. I told him to go ahead and have a DNA test, but he won't do it. In the meantime, every time I go somewhere without him or he thinks I've so much as smiled at a male friend at a party, he's completely paranoid that I'm cheating. I almost never go out any more and I spend a lot of my time reassuring him that I love him and trying to show him that but nothing is ever good enough. How do I convince him that I didn't do this and move on?"

Your behaviour now is not okay. And frankly, w whether or not your son is biologically yours, you have been his father for 20+ years and I suspect he's always wondered why you treated him differently/didn't love him as much as his sister.

I'm sorry, I'm being harsh but this makes me so cross. You've been sitting on this agonising and worry and you know who's really suffered? An innocent child, then teenager, then young man.