Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

I think it's important that you spend a bit more time thinking about the impact of all of this on your son.
As a mother would your partner deceive her son? There potentially could be very serious implications for his health as well as his emotional well-being, before even starting to think about the relationship between the two of you.
Personally I think doing a home test without any support around any of you would be disastrous. Your son is only just an adult and still at a very formative time of his life.

You say the impact of the deception has tarnished your relationship with your son. I suspect that there is much more going on there than you can explore on an internet forum. I would suggest accessing some talking therapy for yourself to explore how you can make sense of this , how is your mood now? Is that's own thing you need to think about first? You understandably have lots of strong emotions regarding the situation. Do what you can to get your self at a stable point first before acting on emotion. Look after yourself op

@MrMarple I think you've been quite harshly treated here. I think you've got ample reason to suspect you might not be his dad based on the fact that some of your son's physical characteristics are similar to the OM. You mentioned he is very hairy and you aren't. I would say go for the DNA test as the doubt will keep gnawing away at you and affecting your wellbeing if you don't.

They met on a Monday evening (both times I’m told of) in a Country pub in the middle of nowhere.

When I found out about the 2nd meeting some 20 years later (that’s extreme trickle truth) I asked whether he had asked her to get into his car? She said he did twice but she said no and drove off.

God, you come across as paranoid and self-pitying.

'18 months in from finding out'? Finding out what? That she met up with someone in a pub, that's what you 'found out'.

'I was so badly psychologically damaged not even the best experts could remedy.' So why didn't you leave? Did you prefer to do the Poor Me for decades?

And all this 'dragged yourself to work' after an illness. Hope you took the Dressing Gown of Doom off first at least.

Your wife 'swearing on your baby's life' is pretty revolting too.

You sound like a pair of total drama queens.

And I sound a total grump.

Hi Op, I feel for you as you've clearly lived the last 20 years feeling something is wrong but also not wanting to deal with the reality.

Since you cannot let it go, I would get the DNA test but not tell your son - use a hair or toothbrush or something. Absolutely no point involving him in this until you know for certain and have decided how you feel about the results either way. Telling him will (a) make him realise that for 20 years his father hasn't been sure about him and been living a lie (b) make him realise that you care a lot about his lineage instead of just accepting him as he is. Don't burden him with your issues.

As for your marriage - you should really consider a divorce. Counselling hasn't helped and you've never forgiven her for whatever happened. Your children are now old enough that the initial reasons to stay don't matter anymore.

Get the test or you will end up in this obsessive blackhole where you can't live a full, happy life. As a first step, I would stop reading your old diaries as there's nothing to gain other than casting you in the role of a martyr. When you made the choice to put your family first. You can't change the past so other than finding out whether your son is biologically yours or not, there's nothing to gain raking through it.

UTIs don't just give you a bad night.

BT doesn't send out 2 year old bills spontaneously.

Please divorce your wife. She deserves to be free of the endless suspicion.

I think he’s already in the obsessive black hole. This is a really scary post.

This is so strange that you have sat on this so unhappily for 20 years rather than just leave or do a dna test?

Of course you aren’t being unreasonable to suspect your wife of cheating but the fact that you have let it fester for 20 years is on you. Imagine if you do a DNA now and it turns out your son is yours biologically - you’ve let this affect your relationship for no reason. The child deserved better than that, if you couldn’t live with it and move on, you should have left for his sake.

You need to find out the truth and decide whether you can live with it either way.

You just need to get the job done. Immediately.

Good luck, I hope it's the outcome you want

That is grossly unfair and so far away from the truth. I questioned my wife at the beginning. Who wouldn’t. She stonewalled me and threatened a divorce at that time.

Since then my 2 nervous breakdowns have coincided with my questions. My last one was in 2017 and I have never questioned her since. I bottle it up as I have nowhere else to go at my age and with this emotional baggage.

Some people don’t like being lied to and want facts so that they can finally have peace of mind.

You had the option to get the facts and decided not to. You've not explained why. You didn't have to join mum'snet to get a dna test.

The only way to get the "facts' is via a DNA test. You didn't take this option when offered. You haven't mentioned why, is there a reason?

What do you want to know?

Really what is at the heart of this? The fact that your wife may have been unfaithful, or that your son may not be yours?

Reading the tone of your posts, I quiet suspect that your son is more than likely yours BUT I think you hang on to the possibility that he is not, because if he is not than it will give you a true answer to the fact that your wife was indeed unfaithful. The answer to your son’s paternity is not an answer to your wife’s ability to be faithful.

Trying to be sensitive to your plight here as such a betrayal is utterly awful and to have your trust broken is a terrible thing to go through but I think you are just desperately searching for any way to prove your wife’s innocence or guilt and I think it has consumed you.

I am a woman but I assure you that even if I were a man I could not spent 20 odd years wondering if a child I was raising was mine! I would be on that as soon as I suspected and I would find out one way or the other. Part of your whole problem here is that you have spent so long letting all this fester and not truly confronting the problem.

You have to make your peace with the fact that you are just probably never going to know the full and complete truth of what happened between your wife and this man. After all, it could turn out that your son is indeed your biological son, and that still will leave you wondering if she did sleep with this man.

You should have left your wife long ago, regardless of whether she was unfaithful or not the trust had been broken and it’s been eroding your life ever since. You can’t change things from long ago, but you can make those changes now, and I suggest you find the strength to do just that as well as to determine the true paternity of your son if it is in such doubt. You son has every right to know his true identity as an adult, so that should be a consideration here too.

The only way to get the "facts' is via a DNA test. You didn't take this option when offered. You haven't mentioned why, is there a reason?

Why get a DNA test and resolve it one way or another when you can hold this against someone for 20 years and make everyone's life a misery - including your own?

So you've obsessed about this for 20 years, despite the fact that your fears are based on mostly circumstantial evidence, and you haven't taken up your wife's offer to clear up the issue once and for all? I would suggest that you need further – and more intensive – psychological help.

FWIW, if I was your wife, I would also hide things from you if you are so suspicious and paranoid by nature. (Actually I would have already divorced you, but there we are.)

This is a very sad situation OP, I understand totally why you would have been wondering about the paternity of your son all these years. I think it's unfortunate that you didn't insist on the DNA test many years ago. I presume your wife understands why you would be tormented by this? Does she want to stay together now (you mention lack of intimacy)? Do you?

It's not too late to be happy OP with or without her.

There's a risk your son and his sister might do an ancestry test further down the line and find out they are half siblings (if they are of course) so that needs to be considered too.

Wishing you all the very best.

If this other chap has "a penchant for pregnant women" then he's definitely not the father then, is he? Because pregnancy is quite a good contraceptive. Or are you saying he likes to impregnate women? That's not really solid evidence.

You have a means to satisfy your curiosity, you can take it or not depending on how prepared you are for the various consequences.

Awaiting your next drip-feed keenly.

If you want a test you need to speak to your son. Regardless of the test results I suspect your relationship with your son will be negatively affected.

You have stayed in the relationship and parented your son for 2 decades. You haven't taken a test when the opportunity was there. Why now? What will it achieve? If it's for your own curiosity only them take a long hard think before you damage your son's life. Because you are the only father he has known, do you want to lose that?

@JurassicParkaha Getting a paternity test without the son's permission is a criminal offense with a sentence of up to three years on conviction. If OP somehow gets an illegal test and it shows that the son is not his, it will be incredibly damaging, because OP will not be able to discuss it.

This means OP will have to ask the son's permission. Regardless of the outcome of the test, this conversation could damage the relationship with the son irretrievably.

Some people don’t like being lied to and want facts so that they can finally have peace of mind.

Except, she's in a catch 22 here. You don't believe her when she tells you she didn't have an affair, and that your son is your son. And the only way to actually get the truth is to take the DNA test, and you haven't.

Honestly, you sound like a classic narcissist to me. It's all about YOU YOU YOU. And you're such a victim, NOTHING is your fault. You haven't once on this thread acknowledged that sitting on this for 20+ years might not have been great for your family. You haven't ONCE expressed any concern for your son. Meanwhile, everyone else is to blame for your problems - bad therapists, cheating wife, a dog man. And you're incredibly passive - there are things you could do or could have done but you choose not to do them.

You say your wife "threatened" divorce and you say that like she used it as a control tactic. I suspect it was far more than she gave you a perfectly normal ultimatum - "stop hounding me about this or I will end our relationship. Accept my version and stay or don't and let's separate, either way, make a decision and stick to it."

And before someone comes on here to say that if you were a woman you wouldn't be treated this way, that's rubbish. I've seen plenty of posts from women on MN where they're paranoid and obsessive about their partners - checking their phones, getting upset about a passing chat with a woman in a bar - and they're regularly told that either they trust their DP or they don't.

You sound so terribly unhappy and mentally very unwell, OP. I think your first step is to leave your marriage, I can’t imagine the strain that this has put on your family as a whole for 20years if you are thinking about it daily. It is not healthy and you need time alone to decompress, therapy might work once you a removed from the situation that torments you.

From then on it’s your choice. You could cut your son out of your life (although he is blameless in all this)? Ask his permission or secretly do a DNA test to find out the truth? but honestly consider the ramifications before you do. Or, finally, let it go. You ARE his dad. If you test would you tell him? Could you live with the regret of your poor relationship if you found out he is yours? Are you prepared for the consequences of blowing up the family, whatever the results show?

This is going to be harsh but may need considering. You don’t know what damage you have already done to your son with your angst, breakdowns and distance from him. Perhaps knowing one way or another would help him understand that there is nothing wrong with him or his behaviour but purely the actions of his parents around the time of his birth? Perhaps switch your thinking from yourself to what is best for your son?

Am I missing something? She met a man in a secluded pub once, or possibly twice, and said nothing sexual happened, and has been happy for you to do a DNA test? And rather than take her up on this you have chosen to stew on it for 20 years, martyring yourself apparently for the sake of the children, insisting you’re trapped and having mental breakdowns - and now you want to make this your DS’s problem as well, and drag him into it?

You and your DW need to part ways and let each other get on with your lives, and leave your DS out of it.

If you found out he isn't your son, what then?
Your son would be devastated with his Mum, with you for hiding it from him, esp when he seeks out his father & your relationship with your partner would be even more shot away

You ve been his dad, done stuff with him, cuddled him when he was upset, taught him to ride a bike.... you ve been his real Dad, whatever the biologic tie.

Conception dates are never 100% & family features can skip generations.

Your partner would hardly have said "Go ahead" (DNA test) if she had something to hide.

My strong advice to you would be to let this go, no good will come of it.

I would love to know how you behaved during your breakdown? Did your wife have to spend days/weeks consoling you and reassuring you? Did you make her to do anything extreme? Show you her phone and promise to always make it accessible to her? Let you trawl through her emails going back 50 years? Does she have any friends these days - how many times has she been out to meet up with friends at a pub or restaurant, without you, in the last 3 months? I'll put money on it being almost never.

Have you been suspicious about other men subsequently? When last did you accuse her of cheating on you with this man, or someone else?

You say your relationship with your son isn't great. What does that look like? I bet he senses that you don't really care for him.