Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Christ, what sort of a relationship do you have that you've been going on about this for over 2 decades.

If you want a DNA test you're going to have to discuss it with your son and explain why. You do realise that it'll affect your relationship with him and undoubtedly not in a good way.

Thank you for your sympathetic response. I stayed in my ‘relationship’ as my children were aged just 3 and 1 when I discovered something had happened. What was I supposed to do?

The physiological and psychological damage done (which started 2 days after I found out) has left me pretty much trapped.

My parents came from seriously broken marriages and I didn’t want to be another statistic or a bad episode of Eastenders.

How absolutely awful for you to have lived with this overshadowing you for all this time.

Are you able to find out what blood type he is? That might be your first step that might not involve him. Birth notes etc.

I also think your wife wouldn't have kept it to herself if she had been cheating and may have told a relative.

Most people are morally opposed to cheating.

Given that your son is now an adult, does your wife have a sister she may have confused in and would now tell you? You could start the conversation off by saying you want to find out without causing distress to the son.

That must be so hard for you.

Unfortunately, while it would have been easy to do when he was young, it would now involve some very difficult conversations with your son which might affect him and your relationship with him, whatever the result turned out to be. He would worry that you had always doubted your relationship with him. It could really pull the rug out from under him.

Have you considered counselling for yourself first to explore further how you feel, the hurt you have been carrying, and how you would feel with either result?

Why on earth didn’t you do this years ago! It would have saved two decades of festering and your child wouldn’t have needed to know! I don’t know how you broach it with your son in all honesty. 😥

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Is there a reason that you did not go ahead when she agreed?

Thank you. I have considered that but not done it yet.

You’re getting battered here as though it’s your fault mate. Your wife is to blame for this no matter what turns out to have happened.

Go ahead and do ancestry for you both. Without answers, this wound will never heal.

Why do men come on here and then complain about the tone of responses? It's almost exclusively an all female forum. If you don't like it go back to Reddit.

Sadly my wife only has a brother. Her family especially her mother was very secretive. Didn’t really know to what level until after my discovery. Her parents have both passed away.

In the early days she swore on our daughters life and her mother’s that there was only 1 meeting. Childish I know but it shows the level to which some will go.

Does your son look like the other man?
Does he have any of your feature? Does he look like his sister ?

You can buy you all kits as a “project” but you’ll need to have a plan for what if your son comes back not your son generically? Are you prepared to instantly tell him that you’ve always suspected he wasn’t biologically yours but he is still your son? And keep reassuring him?

Or do you want to tell the lot of them to get to fuck and leave?

The other guy was very hairy and so is my son and his smile in photos is very similar to the OGs. None of my family are particularly hairy and not my wife’s.

This stuff sort of creeps up on you.

This could all be true but it's irrelevant, because the only way of knowing the answer would be to do a test. If you do want to know the answer that is.

The reason I came to Mumsnet is that it’s a well respected forum and I do like to get a female/male balanced perspective on my issue from both sides.

Honestly, I think you’re getting stuck on the wrong thing. She cheated, you’ve lived with that for 20 years. Whether or not he turns out to not be biologically yours isn’t going to change the fact that she cheated. So, that leads me to ask why you are so desperate to know. What is the difference that it will make? Will you walk away from your son if he’s not yours? Will you walk away from your wife if he’s not yours? Will it feel like she cheated “more”?

You can walk away from her now. You don’t have to stay just because you stayed so long. But it would be a terrible thing to walk away from your son.

I think that you need to consider your son and your relationship with him.

Imagine that your OH was dead. How would you want your relationship with your son to be?

You have to separate the betrayal from the child.

Will it make a difference to how you feel about your DS, and if so are you going to change anything about your behaviour towards him? If the and is yes, I'd highly recommend thinking the ramifications through before you do anything so you have a plan. Your DS's wellbeing also needs to be centred in that process since he's a total innocent in all this.

It sounds like you have to find out though, if it's led to two breakdowns already. So the question is not if but how.

I am also a man, and I disagree with the other male commenting above.

@MrMarple I'm afraid to say that this is all to do with decisions and consequences. You made a decision in years past to take a course of action that had a consequence. It doesn't help to worry about what you could have done, or what you should have done. You did what you did, and you are saddled with carrying the part you played in your current circumstances.

Now you are faced with some more decisions which will also have consequences. Asking your child to test now will have a consequence, and not asking will also have a consequence.

You will need to weigh up your likely courses of actions and decide which consequences you can live with.

For what it's worth, this sounds like a messy situation, and that there will be no consequences that are particularly easy to live with. I don't envy you, good luck in whatever you choose to do.

I just don’t understand why you didn’t do the Ancestry test?

There is no evidence that the wife cheated or that any of this is not all in the poster’s head and something he has accused his wife of on and off all these years. Why hold on to this resentment when you had permission to take a step to find out? Did you not want to lose the grievance?

Is there a reason that you didn't do the Ancestry test years ago if your belief is strong enough for you to spend 20 years in anguish as an alternative?

This isn't a male/female specific issue.

@HappiestSleeping that's good advice.

OP, you chose to stay with your wife for all these years. You've been an active participant in your life and the consequences of your decisions.

Perhaps you should start with some counselling for the two of you (you and your wife). You might get to the bottom of the truth before you do anything rash.

Your son being hairy or having a different smile to you is not evidence of anything. Many children don't look a thing like their parents and it doesn't mean they aren't related.

If you choose to get a DNA test following counselling then it should either be with the consent of your son (with full honesty about the reasons for it) or without his consent but with the understanding that if the result comes back that you aren't the father that you will need to be fully transparent with him immediately. You should not get Ancestry tests under the guise of a fun family thing to do. You're tricking him and he deserves honesty.

For what it's worth it seems unlikely your wife would lie to you about this given how catastrophic the consequences are. She seems to have had a flirtation with someone else but has ultimately chosen you and your life together for the last 20 years. That has value. Your marriage has value.