Am I his Dad?

[MrMarple]

To cut a very long story short my OH and I have been married for over 30 years. 8 years into our marriage I discovered my OH had met an acquaintance of ours in a secluded pub. Our daughter was aged 1 at the time.

It took me 2 years for me to finally click what had been going on by which time our son had been born.

My OH stonewalled my questions other than confess to only meeting him once. 19 years later she confessed to a 2nd meeting at that time. She hasn’t owned up to anything else in that time other than it wasn’t sexual. I have enough circumstantial evidence to suspect there were more than 2 meetings and it went on longer including into her pregnancy.

One of the many issues that have resulted is that our son was conceived in or around the date of that meeting at the pub. When you use the reverse calculator of his birth date it lands on that exact date.

This has troubled me for many years (I’ve had to bite my lip for most of those 20 plus years) and as our son grows older, some of his physical features have worried me further.

I have had 2 breakdowns during this time and did demand that we have a DNA Ancestry test done. My OH said go ahead as she didn’t have sex.

Our son is pretty much oblivious to all this but how do you ask him now he is into his 20s? I don’t want to trick him into doing one and I don’t want him to know about our full past.

Only if his son wanted to press charges against him, which is highly unlikely. The law is mainly used to protect the father and enforced in cases where financial or legal recourse is sought on the basis of the test. In OP's case, it will just be for his own knowledge and he'd hopefully have the good sense to never tell his son. As with some things the intention behind the test is also considered when deciding to prosecute. Drugs are illegal but clearly there are plenty of people who do it, the police and CPS are aware of it and still do not arrest or prosecute.

It may be illegal but the only thing that should matter to OP is what's best for his son. Getting consent is the right thing to do if he absolutely wants his son to know the truth (which frankly would be cruel and unnecessary). But if it's for his own peace of mind and will protect his son, then I think it's fine.

Putting everything else to one side for now...

What will happen if a DNA test confirms that your son is NOT yours? How might you feel? What might you do? What, if anything, will change in your relationships with your wife and son?

What will happen if the test confirms that your son IS yours? How might you feel? What might you do? What, if anything, will change in your relationships with your wife and son?

What differences are there between the two scenarios?

@MrMarple I think you should just talk honestly with your son. He's old enough to understand your concern

Son, before you were born your mum had some secret meetings with a man. It was around the time of your conception. I've always been worried about your paternity and would like for us to do a DNA test so we both know the truth. I have loved you all your life and will always love you. You will always be my son irrespective of the results.

Ultimately its up to your son how he wants to proceed after that. I think it's important that you consider counselling for both of you. If he isnt your son it will be a huge thing for him to process.

Many of us had told him he needs to think about leaving. Whatever the reality of the situation is not healthy for anyone.

He needs to be focusing forward on what he wants out of his life.
If what he wants is a new relationship that's based on mutual apreciation and trust then he has a heck of a lot of personal work to do not to bring any of this forward into a new relationship.

You can do an Ancestry DNA test for someone under 18. They just cannot make their own account. It has to be purchased and activated by the parent.

You will never have peace of mind whilst you persist with the obsessive behaviour.

When I started reading I was feeling quite upset on your behalf, but as it goes on you appear more and more paranoid.

I suspect you’ve had the truth many times over but refuse to believe it.

I can’t believe the absolute ridiculousness of this thread!!!

You chose to stay and be father to your son. How do you think he’ll feel if you suddenly say you’re not sure he’s biologically yours and this really really matters to you?!

You sound incredibly selfish and childish. You made your decision and your son should not have to suffer because of it.

Some people don’t like being lied to and want facts so that they can finally have peace of mind

And some people will have the facts they want but still think they're being lied to. Frankly, if you wanted that peace of mind why didn't you take the DNA test 20 years ago instead of having this hanging over the whole family for several decades? it would have saved you two nervous breakdowns and unsuccessful therapy.

You have been "Dad" in every way that your son needs - changing his shitty nappies, wiping his face, helping with homework. The other man has only potentially been a "Father".

Surely it's not about what you want. If HE doubts his parentage then it's up to HIM to get a DNA test.

It's not for you to force that decision upon him.

I just wanted an opinion on whether others would think I should involve my son in a DNA test and whether there is enough evidence to think that it should be done.

No - I don't think there's enough evidence and no I don't think you should involve your son.

Pages and pages and pages. And one "FYI - I do love my wife and family" Great.

Do you like your life, apart from this query of paternity?

If you want to stay as a family unit will you be able to stay, if the result blows apart your son's feeling of belonging?
Do you want to leave the relationship and hope the test shows you are not biologically related?

I think you need to have counselling with your wife.

Everyone deserves to now their biological make up so I agree with you doing a DNA test - but gently. Is it right to tell your son about your suspicions? Will that give him a nasty view of his mother? How will his sister feel? How will the grandparents react?
How will your wife react? She might have spent the last 20 years hoping and thinking the boy was yours.

It's very complicated and it starts with you and your wife deciding what to do and how to do it.

I know we only hear one side, but this is one occasion I'd REALLY like to hear from the rest of the family about what the last few decades have been like for them. Love isn't always benign, either - it can take some very toxic forms.

OP, I am so sorry this happened to you. Of course you don't know for sure whether she actually physically cheated on you, but this has played on your mind for over 20 years.
It wasn't your fault she was unfaithful (and yes, meeting a man, lying about, doing it behind your partners back are all cheating).
I can feel your anguish through your thread and think you are getting a hard time on here. You have tried to live with this, but you just can't 'get over it'. And understandably.
You are walking proof of what affairs can do to a person. Breaking someone's trust like that has such devastating effects. Its not something everyone can simply just get over. Emotional pain caused by infidelity is often a hundred times more painful than if someone had simply beat you black and blue. And this has led you down the path of thinking your son may not be yours.
Quite honestly your wife has a lot to answer for. This belief has affected your relationship with your child you say, and you can't get it from your head. But all she has done is tell you they didn't sleep together. Why hasn't she insisted on a DNA test to put your mind at rest, to prove to you what she is telling you is the truth (at least to reassure you your son is yours)?
Of course she agreed before, she probably knew you wouldn't do it. But why didn't she actively help you go ahead with it when she could see it was something you were still hurting on.

I really don't know what the answer is. I mean if he turns out not to be your son, what will you do? See him differently, it could be devastating to him.
I suppose what it might do, if he isn't, is finally give you what you see as the truth? However, it is far more likely he IS your son as surely no one can be so callous as to keep that from someone. if he is your son, will you be able to finally accept what she says in that it wasn't physical?
This has affected your whole life. You need to either do the test and risk the fallout or carry on as you are and risk your mental health even further.

If you do do a test, and tell your son. Make sure you have some counselling ready for the both you as you will both need that regardless of the outcome.

I think as someone suggested, do the ancestry DNA thing. I guess one way would be to tell your son you were doing it and that you would send it away. Then register an account, tell him you haven't sent it yet and see the results first? So you can prepare what to say if he isn't. Or can just say say, hey results are here, if he is.
Good luck.

If you choose to go the DNA route you will damage, if not destroy, your relationship with your son, regardless of the results. No loving father would do that.

You need a good psychiatrist, and when the psych prescribes meds, take them. They are a life-changer. These obsessive thoughts about your wife's past are damaging your whole family. Get help.

How is OP meant to harvest his son's DNA without his son's permission?

And please don't give me some Line of Duty-influenced rubbish about getting a hair off the son's comb. Quite apart from the fact that you need the bulbus pili not the shaft, Ancestry DNA is not a forensic crime lab that can extract DNA from trace amounts. They'll need a massive dump of DNA-rich material, ie an enormous wodge of salivary matter from said son's cheek. Good luck getting that without his noticing.

And even then, it's Ancestry DNA. They won't give OP a breakdown of the true father's DNA make-up. They'll just send back the usual rubbish about 25% Scandinavian, 2% Irish, 10% Celtic etc etc - ie the boilerplate rubbish they send to everyone who's misled enough to pay £££ for these things.

OP needs mental health help, not silly gimmicks.

OP, what do you wish to achieve? If your son proves not to be yours, where is this going from your perspective? You know this will be catestrophically damaging to your son and will blow everything out of the water for you and your daugher too. There will be no going back.

You are a headcase.

Meeting a man and not telling your spouse isn't automatically an affair. I wouldn't tell my husband if I thought a trip to the pub would cause a mental breakdown.

And some people will have the facts they want but still think they're being lied to. Frankly, if you wanted that peace of mind why didn't you take the DNA test 20 years ago instead of having this hanging over the whole family for several decades? it would have saved you two nervous breakdowns and unsuccessful therapy.

Or.... Why didn't his wife do the DNA test 20 years ago instead of having this hanging over the whole family for several decades? It would have saved her husband having 2 nervous breakdowns, unsuccessful therapy, reassured her husband she hadn't slept with this secret liason bloke, and ensured her childs father wasn't always thinking 'but what if he isn't mine'.

In your shoes I would DNA test done, to save your son any distress suggest that it’s a covid test? Then when results come back, either way you will know the score. You should have done this years ago.

if he isn’t your DS biologically then you are still he’s “Dad”, as in you’ve raised in, if he is then a huge sigh of relief for you and start working on a better relationship with your wife.

Man finds out wife met a man in the pub twice and now thinks his 20 something year old son is not his. Man needs to do some introspection on his insecurities but instead would rather blame the wife. It's not like she refused to do the DNA test (then I would understand his concerns), to the contrary she was always quite open for it but he decided to hold on to the grudge. Someone needs some therapy.

My son looks absolutely nothing like me or DH in Looks, colouring or physical appearance. The only thing significant is he has DH feet. I don't think you can go by looks alone as a child can be a throwback lookalike from either side as is my son.

Now you see OP I didn't do so well for various reasons bringing my kids up, various things "affected" my relationship with them, and that is entirely down to me, because I was the adult and I had a choice whereas my kids had no choices. Like your son. Do you actually still want to be a father to this young man?

I can imagine its impossible to come to terms with what may have happened, the "not knowing" but you have to devote yourself to finding a way to come to terms with it and not fuck up your boy's life too. I see you say counselling etc hasn't helped. Keep trying. Read, study, take time alone to think. But you know ultimately, maybe if you haven't been the best father to him, and can't be going forward, maybe you should tell him. But whatever you do has to be entirely with his interests first. You don't get a choice in that.

She met the bloke twice and said it wasn't sexual. If OP was determined not to accept her version then he's a grown man perfectly capable of deciding whether he accepts that or not. If he doesn't, he's perfectly capable of insisting on a DNA test. Instead he's allowed this to drag on for 20 years, when the answer has been in his hands all along.

And if have to be brutally honest here and say that OP doesn't sound like someone who'd believe something when he's convinced himself that the opposite is the case.

Gently OP it sounds like you have mental health problems that are nothing to do with your wife. You have absolutely no evidence that she had an affair and have been carrying this around with you for 20 years. She offered a DNA test and you refused. Your poor wife has had to endure two decades of you not being intimate with her, suspecting her, accusing her of passing on STDs (which you never got tested for, and which went away untreated). You are really grasping for evidence - that you got sick in the same pub that you think she cheated on you in two years later, that you forgot to write in your diary on that day. Two phone calls from when she was already pregnant. Back ache before football, a few weeks afterwards. Seeing each other at a public function that you were also at. These things are not evidence. They do not add up to even hints of cheating. It seems to me that for some reason you are fixated on her cheating and are looking for absolutely anything to count as evidence, but there is none. I say this not to be harsh, but because I think you need to find the right support.

I also think you should end your marriage. Either she cheated on you and lied to you for 20 years, in which case you should just end it. Or she didn't, and you have been paranoid and suspicious of her with no evidence for 20 years, in which case, the trust is gone and I doubt she'd want to stay in the marriage. Either way there is no trust. Either she broke it with cheating, or you did with your paranoia. This is no foundation. Give yourself permission to leave. And then reflect on what you want to do about your son.