Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

I see Mama has joined the chat to rationalise the behaviour of her darling boy.

Oh FGS.
This man's behaviour demonstrates exactly how controlling men get started, and you're denouncing the lived experience of abused women as "toxic answers"?

Okay then.

Oh TF! I'm so relieved that you're okay!

Thanks so much for getting back to us. Jolly good luck, lovely lady. Xxxxxx

Good to hear! I quickly reread your posts, and noticed you said he could be jealous/paranoid in certain situations which I didn’t pick up on before. So this is not the only time you’ve noticed it? Red flag as you know.

Good luck for tomorrow, and whatever he says/does make sure you go out ! If he is a controller, anything to stop you works, including an argument that leaves you so upset you can’t be bothered. So be aware, and don’t get sucked in. As you plan just tell him you wear what you want, and not up for discussion! If he argues/has sob story re previous partners/calls it off , well you know what he is.

The thing is, now he’s planted the seed so you will be anticipating his reactions when you’re choosing clothes.

Watch out for you starting to self-censor: picking the top that gives slightly more coverage from two you like, thinking about whether you can be bothered having another conversation or dealing with his attitude if you wear this strappy top and wouldn’t it just be easier to put this one on itself.

As a PP says: it’s very hard for the boiled frog to know it’s being boiled. It might even move towards the warmer bits of the pot because the other bits are feeling a bit chilly in comparison.

Any man who has decided to openly tell you what he has is a problem. If he’s being this overt about wanting to control what you wear, what parts of his possessive and controlling attitude is he choosing to keep quiet about?

Thanks for updating the thread, OP. Good luck for tomorrow.

SamW98 I am SO sorry! I can't find the original quote and who posted it. But you commented on that quote as well along the same lines as me and I mistakenly tagged you not the original poster. l

No worries. I read it and thought ‘I never said that’ - confused the life out of me 🤣

Run now, while you still can.

As im already in pjs watching tv, waiting to hear what glam night op had

100%, Incomplete.

It can be so very hard to see in the beginning.

I recommend reading this, OP.

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat

@Hurryupchristmas just revisiting the thread in the hope you've had /are having a nice night out?

Did he say anything @Hurryupchristmas? I hope you had a fab night!

Hopefully she had a great night and is sleeping it off.
I hope he didn't give her some manipulative bullshit sob story about how some other woman cheated on him in the past because of the clothes she wore 🎻🎻

I’m afraid @Hurryupchristmas this is correct.
I went out with a man who I thought adored me, he dressed up his insecurities as ‘it’s because I love you/care about you so much!
His started with what I was wearing, then would progress to being vile before I went out / while I was getting ready.. would make me feel like I was dressed like a tart etc…. Made me feel insecure about dressing like that…. Then when I came in would accuse me of being chatted up etc.
and then he started trying to alienate me against my family and friends… one by one he would decide they had done something, he didn’t like something about them or me when I was around them!
comparing showing a bit of cleavage to showing his penis is ridiculous….. men walk around with their chest out and AB’s on show ALL THE TIME! He’s acting like women don’t look at men’s bodies!!
It’s fine for you to go out and look nice, you’re not a nun !! It’s not your responsibility it men want to look at you! He should have enough respect and trust in you that you could walk out in a bikini and he know you wouldn’t betray him!!

Don't let him dictate what you wear….‘it’s the start of controlling manipulative behaviour.

Is anyone else worried that the OP hasn't updated since saying she was going to tell him what is what? I really just hope she is in bed nursing a hangover or something I really do hope she is OK

@Hurryupchristmas Posters including myself just want to know if you are OK Not meaning to pester

I wouldn't be too worried tbh. But the sounds of things he's very early in the abuse process so the worst she'll get from saying no would just be him throwing a bit of a strop. Hopefully.

Unless it escalated into her telling him he's dumped. But even then it would likely be a case of him claiming she's overreacting and leaving but fully expecting she'll call him once she's, 'came to her senses'.

If he really is 'Mr laid back' then he probably won't to from 0-100 violent in an instant. More likely he'll just gaslight her and make her thing she's wrong.

He may even straight up apologise and claim to see her point of view.... for now. Maybe more likely op isn't updating because things seemed to go OK so there's nothing to update

Ladies I'm absolutely fine I promise! Had a fab time with friends and wore what I want! Will update you properly tomorrow as I've got some work to finish before tomorrow! X

Glad you had a good night 🙂

You go girl! 😊

Well done!

My thoughts exactly

This is one of the most frightening messages I have ever read on MN.
Please along with every.single.reply on here listen to what we are saying.
This is coercive, controlling behaviour and you WILL end up with a man who controls every aspect of your life.
How is his relationship with your friends, your family and your parents?
I literally just want to hug you, pack your bags and walk you out..... 😫