Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

Yes, exactly my experience. Hugs❤️

Sounds to me like he is being emotionally and psychologically abusive.

This is coercive and controlling and tbh I appreciate you said you are adoring but I think you should reconsider the relationship

What I'm EXTREMELY concerned about right now is the last thing we heard from the OP was that she was going to tell him no and wear what she wants and gage his response. Since then we've heard NOTHING. Frankly I'm very worried about her!

When I asked her if she was okay she sent me a Thanks (from the little icon), but no words, suggesting to me that she had to be quick because of him. (Maybe our advice came up in the resulting "conversation" and he forbade her from MN?

I could be reading too much into it but better safe than sorry.

Is anyone else getting seriously concerned for her too?

Please don't think I'm trying to say your situation would take the same direction, but just to share my story with a plea to please be very careful...

This was exactly how my ExH started... always talking about other guys attention on me... he could see how embarrassed it made me (nonsense, I'm a big, very plain-looking girl and have seriously never noticed anyone taking an interest when I'm out)...he didn't like seeing me feeling like that so was making suggestions to help me.
Then it began to escalate from approving what I wore out into him approving clothes I bought - no leggings (too form fitting), no lowcut tops, nothing clingy etc...
Would then start to message every half hour while I was out - was I going to be much longer, what time did I plan to be home, he really missed me, he was hungry but didn't feel right eating without me here so would wait til I was home and other such drivel.
I sailed along, blissfully unaware of how utterly poisonous this all was cus he was my only long term partner at that point and I had no idea this was not normal. I got engaged to him and decided I wanted wedding photos I would be proud to look back on and embarked on a weightless journey that saw me lose 9.5 stones in 18 months before we got married. I was happier than I had ever been, fitter and healthier than ever before but still had very little confidence in my appearance (grew up with the subtext from my mom that it was a good job I was smart). After the wedding, he started making snide digs about how I was a different person, I had become arrogant and conceited and obsessed with my appearance, he wasn't sure if he believed I didn't enjoy the attention from other guys any more etc.
It got to a point where he tried to keep me away from my friends by making me feel like I had to prove myself to him, like it was my fault.
I'm not proud to admit it but I even went so far as to prioritise his happiness over my own, and intentionally began to regain weight thinking that that might prove he had me wrong.
It eventually ended with me making myself ill through a combination of emotional exhaustion and actual burnout as I was throwing myself into work to hide what was going on at home. I was signed off work, struggling to stay awake for more than 2 hours a day while he decided he would start treating me like a cleaner since I was at home and became a complete slob. One day he decided I hadn't cleaned well enough and when I tried to stand up for myself... he hit me. Looking back now that was the moment it was over in my head. It took me a while to work out how and get up the nerve to do it, but a few weeks later I asked him to move out as I was struggling and needed some space to get myself well, and I never let him come back.

Please, please look at his behaviour from outside of your situation. You have to rationally detach yourself and your bias towards him and think "if this were my best friend and their partner, how would I feel then?"

I agree! It would be reassuring to hear that the situation hasn't taken a negative turn.

I am a JP and 'Controlling and Coercive Behaviour' is actually a crime. This was added to our Sentencing Guidelines because Domestic Abuse was recognised as not always being of a physical nature.

Hi @Hurryupchristmas - if you’re able to, please pop back to the thread just to let us know you’re OK.

You don’t have to share any more than that, if you don’t want to.

Well if she tried to subtly thank you without posting, for fear of her partner if he forbade her from interacting on MN anymore, then you've just flagged that she is doing so!

I don't think that's what's happened at all but if you're right and it has then your post is only contributing to the potential fallout or risk for her.

But surely, if he goes out wearing trousers, he is showing off his crotch area. Have you asked him to wear a full floor length gown?

I understood from what OP said that she's going to say it to him on Saturday, as she's going out and will wear something of her choosing. So hopefully no need to worry unduly, we'll hear from her then.

Like a lot of threads I imagine the OP has now got the answers she was looking for and no longer feels the need to read responses basically saying the same thing.

His ‘concern’ isn’t about you, it’s about him and his possession not doing what she’s told. If you ‘give in’ to his control he will only find other ways to make you dance to his tune.

Wow. WOW. I've only read the first page of responses and damn they're toxic. Domestic violence links because he asked her to cover her cleavage??? Yeah, he's insecure. However, he may have been Mr nice guy in the past, kept his feelings to himself and got cheated on. Now he's more honest due to experience and fear.

She certainly shouldn't dump him over this, particularly as he treats her well. Goodness me. Such a toxic community.

Toxic?
Eh, pot kettle black?

Are women who show a bit of cleavage more likely to cheat? I'm confused

Or are you saying that if he was cheated on in the past he's allowed to be controlling now and no more 'Mr Nice guy?'

This is how red flags early in relationships unfortunately get missed.

Coercive control is a recognised form of abuse and illegal.

Someone controlling what you wear is not treating you well.

Signposting the OP (and anyone reading the thread) to learn signs of DA and sources of further advice and support are not toxic but educational and could be life saving.

Did you actually read the OP properly, where it says he wants to APPROVE her outfits before she goes out?

That's what has worried people. Not him saying openly that he's insecure. Because he hasn't done that. He's said other men will LOOK at hee and that he wants to be able to be sure she's wearing what HE deems acceptable.

I've been cheated on in the past. By a guy who was constantly telling me he felt worried I'd run off with someone and asking me if he could always come with me. And he justified that by saying it was because his ex had cheated and then left him for someone else. And yet, I manage to let DH go do stuff without me without being insecure about it. Because that's how non-abusive / non-controlling people work.

On any thread, it’s better to read in full before commenting, just as in almost anything in life.

lf you did so you would see that the OP agrees that this is a major issue which she seriously needs to address. Hardly surprising as she took the trouble to post about his policing role in the first place.

What is the connection between cleavage or full nudity come to that and cheating?

His “cover up order” is the start of a long slippery coercive slope.

Please, read the OP again. This time more carefully. OP states that he is
quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out.

And also says that she feels a bit miffed I can't wear what I want and that she dresses pretty conservatively
.
When a man is ADAMANT you're not going to do something; when you're left feeling "miffed" that you can't do something that's normal and reasonable then you have a controlling situation. This is totally unacceptable and not part of a normal healthy trusting relationship.

Control, coercion and abuse start small like this, alongside treating a partner well, and will always escalate.

I think that this OP’s opening line is the equivalent of ‘he’s a great dad and everyone else thinks he’s wonderful’ for relationships without kids (together).

Then you get the but which very clearly demonstrates that the initial statement is simply not true.

He is wonderful and treats me so well BUT he is jealous and possessive and wants to control what I wear.

Sadly, some people seem unable to contextualise the initial statement and want to claim that people with better comprehension skills are just vicious and toxic MNers (who hate poor men).

I mean all this man wants is for her to cover up her cleavage so he won’t feel jealous and possessive of another man looks at her. How could any of us object to that? Of course she’s responsible for managing his unreasonable emotional
responses via dressing the way he says will help. And of course he will need to review and approve outfits before she can go out.

Only nasty, toxic man-haters could have a problem with that. There are not enough eye rolling emojis in the world for this kind of logic.

Yeah, he's insecure. However, he may have been Mr nice guy in the past, kept his feelings to himself and got cheated on. Now he's more honest due to experience and fear.

This isn’t an excuse, by the way.

If someone is insecure due to difficulties in previous relationships, THEY need to remain single and get therapy to sort out their issues.

They don’t get to control anyone silly enough to get involved with them to try to alleviate their fears of being cheated on.

That’s not ‘honesty’. It is control.

You're having a laugh right?

He doesn't "like" her to cover her cleavage which is unacceptable in itself.

If you had read the ops posts you would have seen that he demands she cover up.
That he has banned her from ever wearing certain tops.
That she is required to show him what she intends to wear in order to get his permission.

What the fuck is wrong with you that you think that's ok?
Seriously. What the fuck is wrong with you?

We're toxic?

You're defending a man who demands the right to approve the ops clothing and has flat out banned her from wearing clothes he seems unacceptable and telling her to stay with him and you think it's us that are toxic?

Fucking hell.

However, he may have been Mr nice guy in the past, kept his feelings to himself and got cheated on. Now he's more honest due to experience and fear

Well, it took a while before the 'he's insecure and fearful because he was cheated on in the past' as an excuse to control his partner was trotted out. If he's insecure and fearful than that's HIS issue to deal with, not project on the OP.

You are so very sweet but please don't worry. I've had a crazy few days at work and been a busy bee. Everything remains normal between my boyfriend and I. However, tomorrow night when I'm dressed up I shall tell him in no uncertain terms this is what I'm wearing and if he doesn't like it then tough!
I will update you all on his reaction. Thank you for being so caring x

Please be mindful that even if he says what he thinks you want to hear in order for you to convince yourself to stay - he is controlling and this can and does escalate.

Familiarise yourself with 'boiling frog'.

If you choose to stay with him that is your right and your decision and I hope and trust nobody on this thread will choose to berate you because they think you are making the wrong choice but please do ensure that you fully understand all the ways in which men like him manipulate and control.