Partner asking me to 'cover up'

[Hurryupchristmas]

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.
One of which is when I go out with friends he's asked me to wear tops that completely cover my breasts, so no cleavage shows.
I have large boobs and yes they can attract attention from men on nights out, however it's not something I can control nor would I act on now I'm in a relationship.

He is quite adamant I'm not to wear certain tops and wants to see what I'm wearing before I go out. I understand his concerns about men looking at my chest, but feel a bit miffed I can't wear what I want. I dress pretty conservatively but a lot of my tops show the size of my boobs and I can't help that.

I don't know who is in the right to be honest, he says its like him going out showing off his crotch area but I don't think it's a similar comparison 🤔

I don't want to make him annoyed and feel uneasy when I'm out, but at the same time I want to dress up and look nice when I go out with friends. Am I being unreasonable?

You go girl 😀

Hmmm, come back and tell us how he's behaving in a month or two....see if his current good behaviour is just for show or not @Hurryupchristmas

Don't get hypervigilant. It would change the dynamic from the one you want to have. OHOH, don't get complacent. Things can slip without you even noticing.

I do hope he has fully taken on board what you told him.

Your final response worries me. He's still stood there waving a giant red flag and you're choosing to just ignore it rather than deal with it. He isn't going to stop thinking the way he does. It still means you're with someone who tries to coerciy control you. It just means you're ignoring the fact it happens

Thats not a healthy relationship. Its still you managing his behaviour.

Well done you. But that he's being 'super respectful' makes me think he's letting this lie until he reckons it's all been forgotten, like Pinkbonbon says

Often they'll put back on the nice mask when they've been caught out. For a while. Until they can find another route to controlling/headfucking/manipulating you that you might not notice as fast.

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

🙄😂
Give over lol
I'll wear what I like and doing so doesn't mean I'm doing it for male attention either.

I only wish I'd had a cleavage to show 🙁

Yes. And of course if one is looking for 'red flags' then it's important to bear in mind 'lovebombing' is one half of the abusive relationship.

The extra-lovely, kind, caring, and super-romantic mask.

https://www.solacewomensaid.org/policy-campaigns/awareness-campaigns-awards/love-bombing-affection-today-abuse-tomorrow/

'Love bombing is where an abusive partner is bombarding ‘love’ onto their victim and is part of emotional abuse and coercive control. It could include excessive affection, excessive compliments, declarations of love, gifts and praise. It may also be wanting to move quickly into a commitment because they ‘can’t live without you’, showering of gifts or lavish treatment, and promises of a perfect life together.
Love bombing can be part of early signs of abuse in a relationship, what we often call ‘red flags’. It can also be used in the ‘reconciliation’ phase of the abuse cycle, especially after an incident of abuse.
Love bombing becomes an effective tool to abusers as they exert coercive control over a partner. This quick acceleration of romance quickly breaks down barriers we put up, it causes us to become attached to our perpetrator, they ‘hook’ us into the relationship. This strategic affection and declarations of love are also accelerated when the abuser feels they are losing their control, that the survivor may be wanting to flee or to make up for an abusive incident. They promise the survivor a future with them that she ‘could’ put up with.'

A coercive/abusive relationship is not always awful. At least half of it is lovebombing. That's how they hook you in and get you back and keep you stuck.

'Nobody will ever love you like I do'

Also look out for sob stories, long very moving accounts of why they are like they are, what they've suffered, etc.

That article is really excellent. I do encourage you to read it when you have a minute, OP.

I have stated twice that I am on high alert for any more of that behaviour and that I would end the relationship should it creep back in. So I am not ignoring it at all. I dealt with it head on.

You don't have to justify your decision at all. It's your choice and you know what you are looking for.

One thing I would say though is that the most common time for controlling or abusive behaviour previously kept hidden is pregnancy and afterwards. If in the future you are considering having children with him please please please ensure you are fully protected - that you don't rely on him for money, that you could take your baby and walk. That you have a strong support network.

They let their true colours show when they think they have you trapped or too invested to leave.

He miscalculated this time. It's not a mistake he will make again

Please protect yourself.

Good luck and I genuinely hope I'm wrong and he never pulls shit like this again and you have a happy and healthy relationship from now on.

Hear hear, Incomplete. I'm sure we're all hoping we're wrong.

It's honestly the first two sentences OP posted:

I abolutely adore my boyfriend, he is wonderful and treats me so well.

However he can be quite jealous/paranoid in certain situations.

I struggle to see that as anything other than the reddest red flags. Both the wonderful part and the jealous/paranoid part. Because that is how coercion works; it doesn't work without the lovely/wonderful/charming part. Nobody would ever end up in an abusive relationship if they were horrible jealous arseholes right from the off!

I'm sorry, OP, like I said, I really hope I'm wrong! Just saying that as soon as I read those sentences you wrote, my heart sank.

You sound like an idiot.

Yeah 'paranoid and jealous' is controlling.
I think we make the mistake of feeling flattered. We think its protective. But infact, it's possessive. It's telling us they see us as objects and property not as individuals with rights of our own.

I'd be curious if he acknowledged that it was wrong of him. In a way that actually found him feeling shocked about how he had acted. Rather than just feeling like he was just saying what you wanted to hear. I suppose its difficult to know the difference. Time will tell I suppose.

Maybe you only dress for the male gaze,but most of us just dress to feel nice. I have large breasts. I look better with something low cut that high necked. I have a few tops that I just like but happen to show some of my chest.

Yeah when you are top-heavy, it can just make your boobs far more...in your face, if you fully cover them. A bit of cleavage cuts the boobs and draws the eye away from the full size of them.

Do you live together?

Excellent quote for this situation.

'I loved you so much I painted all your red flags white'.

I’m in my 50’s and still got great breasts so I love low cut tops showing off my cleavage.

Im doing it so I feel good. Its not all about the menz.

They can look but they ain’t touching 😘

@TrishM80 · 04/02/2024 11:59

I agree with the boyfriend, I think it's disrespectful of a woman to go out without her boyfriend/partner in scantily clad clothes with cleavage showing. I mean, why else would one do that only to attract male attention?

Really?! Are you living in Medieval times?

Do you dress like this? I bet you do!

Good for you! Same here. In my late 50s, and a size 16 so a bit chubz, but have cracking boobs! I often have my cleavage showing. I'm not hiding one of my best assets.

Yep, TrishM80 actually sounds like a bloke.

Hmmmm, @HollyJJ now you come to mention it..... The post (by Trish,) does come across as something a MAN would say. My DH has no issue with how I dress at all, but some men - (like the OP's partner) get sniffy when women show their 'assets.' Can't bear other men looking!